The RAWtopsy 01.09.06

So…last night…uh–controversial? I mean, Meg – a lesbian?

Pre-Raw Plugs:

Psst…check out what the new guy is doing

And Meehan’s review of the year that was in Raw which includes additions to the unofficial wrestling glossary, part of the freshest (and most positive) column in years.

Oh, and in case you hadn’t noticed, “The 411” section no longer just contains pictures of Jessica Alba in spandex (although I’m working on that). Check out the 411 Family Tree and, perhaps most importantly, my section. We got blogs now, and I think I’ve updated this more than I have my Livejournal and Myspace. It’s a lot simpler when you don’t have to log in to four or five different places.

What’s there?

-Well, all my columns/reviews for one thing. You’d be amazed how fast they pile up.
-My thoughts on what to do now that Edge is champion.
-Your chance to sound off on whatever stupid thing you think I might have said (although you still have to e-mail them to me).
-Lessons in legality.
-Fun with the int3rn3ts.

But until then, there’s always immediate feedback:

Can you honestly say that this piece of garbage PPV was worth 35 dollars?   

The six man tag on Impact was better than EVERY match on this stinking show.  AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe at Turning Point was better than every match on this stinking show.  

WWE PPV’s are a pathetic joke.  They aren’t even trying anymore.  You know what the sad thing is?  People still buy them.  I stopped buying them a long time ago, but the buyrates for such shitty PPV’s in 2005 were even higher than 2004.  Its really fucking sad.  

At least TNA knows how to deliver quality wrestling and PPV’s when it counts.  ROH always puts out fantastic shows.  Its been a while since I can remember WWE being this unwatchable.

Well, each individual has to decide how much $35 is worth to them (which is why I try not to take that into consideration anymore, although I used to). If you’re stuck in a dorm room eating Ramen noodles, no probably not. If you’re using $100 bills to light your cigar, yeah.

I do agree with you about the AJ/Samoa Joe match, which is my leading candidate for 2006 MOTY right now. And I agree with you on most PPVs. I think I’ve given a thumbs up to one WWE PPV since Vengeance (although I haven’t gotten around to making up on Summerslam yet).

However, last night’s PPV had two solid matches (the EC & HHH/Big Show) with good booking and only two glaring low points (Mae Young, Mama Benjamin).

I was very surprised to find out Edge cashed in his
MITB title shot last night. Sure in a way it makes
sense but its kind of jip in my opinion. Why not have
Edge cash the shot in on Raw tonight instead of at a
throwaway PPV? And a one minute match? COME ON!! They
could have had a 10 or 20 min. match tonight on Raw.
Then everyone would have gotten to see a great title
match and it would reinforce the idea that anything
can happen on Raw. I think its hilarious that Cena is
getting booed for being a cookie cutter face. And
Angle says horrible things about the troops and HE
GETS CHEERED!!! And then you have HHH who is very
rapidly becoming a fan favorite. So to recap WWE’s
biggest face has become its biggest heel. Their two
biggest heels outside of Vince get cheered more then
their big faces do. And EVERYONE still HATES Masters
and Carlito with a passion. This is a VERY interesting
time in WWE. I cant remember a time like this when
EVERYTHING the WWE does backfires on them. Oh, yeah
and as for Edge the biggest heel in the company right
now. Expect him to get cheered louder then EVER
tonight. This is his first title run and the fans want
anyone whose name isn’t Cena holding the belt. It would
be HILLIRIOUS if he totally bashed the fans and did
everything he could to draw heel heat and the fans
still FRICKING cheered him just like they do Angle.
Vince needs to accept that the traditional heel/face
paradigm doesn’t work anymore. The fans are fed up with
the cookie cutter corporate champion gimmick. THEY
WILL NOT CHEER A CHAMPION LIKE THAT WHOSE NAME ISNT HOGAN!

I prefer this way for Edge. For one, it just seems very Edge-like to take such an easy way out. In fact…

“If I’m Edge, I wait for Batista to win the title and then run out and challenge him on the spot.” (Me, in my WrestleMania XXI Recap)

Well, how was I supposed to know they were going to swap champs. It works because you can always do the 15-20 minute match as a rematch.

I do agree, however, on the traditional heel/face lines being moot. In fact, outside of the WWF and WCW (which was really just WWF-lite), traditional heels and faces have never worked. Dick the Bruiser was one of the biggest cheaters and dirty brawlers in the ring, but he got cheered because his cheating and dirty tactics were targeted at people the fans hated.

WWE Raw — 1/9/06

Live from Hershey, Penn.

Your hosts are Joey Styles, Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lawler.

John Cena comes out, and he’s surprisingly fired up for having lost the title. Mixed reaction for Cena. Even Lawler notes it. Cena acknowledges the hatorzzz, but he also makes a point of thanking those who have stuck with him and declares that he will fight for them. He says that he’s going to cash in his rematch clause…TONIGHT! Lita comes out with the WWE Heavyweight Title and tells Cena that she has “convinced” Mr. McMahon to put off the rematch until the Royal Rumble after a little **ahem** “oral persuasion,” if you know what I mean. A little “how’s your father.” A little “bobbing for Vince’s apples.” A little “gobble, gobble on the knobble, knobble.” A little “moistening the candle’s wick.” A little “trip to Likidiki, Hawaii.” You know…she sucked his cock. Anyway, we’re going to get some porno action between Edge and Lita tonight. No word on if the Naughty Moose will be involved. Cena promises to kick Edge’s ass at the Rumble. When did Lita turn into Juliet Lewis, btw?

WWE Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Ashley Massaro.

Mickey James chastises the crowd because she doesn’t think the ovation is loud enough. Lots of headlockery to start. Man, it’s just like Flair vs. Steamboat…with bigger boobs and thongs. Trish tries to float over Ashley’s shoulder, but Ashley catches her and smashes her face on the mat. Ashley gets two, but Mickey jumps in the ring and destroys Ashley for her insolence. Trish pulls Mickey off Ashley and scolds her for overreacting. Maybe a spanking is in the offing. Hmm? A little “tame the shrew?” Huh? A little “paddle the beaver’s cousin?” A little “turn the brown eye red” maybe? 1/4*

Rob Van Dam will return in the Royal Rumble match. Spiffy.

Vince McMahon comes in and gloats to “his nigga” John Cena about taking advantage of the situation. John Cena says that he wouldn’t think of interfering in the orgy tonight. Vince tells Cena that if he were to interfere, he would be stripped of his title shot. Cena reminds Vince to check his “area” because Lita left a little “oral persuasion” on him. You know…a little “man’s white burden.” A little “trout-flavored dairy product.” A little “genetic protein power drink.” A little “baby maker man-batter.”

Chris Masters accosts Carlito for turning on him last night. Carlito says it was an accident.

“When a Stranger Calls!” I’m there. Hopefully, they’ve solved a few of the screenplay problems of the original. Hey, did you know I reviewed the original last year as part of “31 Years, 31 Screams?” Yeah. Littl-Little thing I do in the Movies Section. You can–you can check it out if you want. Uhh…no pressure.

Is that the brother of Napoleon Dynamite and the brother of Steve Buscemi in that Starburst commercial? It’s eerie.

Royal Rumble Qualifier: Rob Conway vs. Chavo Guerrero.

Conway shoulderblocks him down and mocks Chavo’s entrance. Chavo comes back with a clothesline and a kneelift. Conway knees Chavo to the floor on a skin-the-cat move. Back in, Conway grounds things with a surfboard neck twist. Chavo powers out thanks to an “Eddy” chant. He follows Conway to the floor with a pescado. Back in, Chavo delivers a headscissors and a springboard crossbody. Conway mocks Eddy’s old shimmy taunt but takes the Triple Verticals. FROG SPLASH! ONE! TWO! THREE! Chavo moves on to the Rumble at 4:31. *1/2

Kurt Angle and Daivari confront Kurt’s partner Shawn Michaels about screwing them over last night. Shawn reminds him that they have bigger things to worry about.

Mama Benjamin thinks she recognizes Val Venis from somewhere. He says it might be from “Shaving Ryan’s Privates,” or perhaps “Glad-he-ate-her,” or it could have been “Harry Twatter.” Mama denies ever watching such filth and curses Val to hell. She also gets Benjamin into another match that he didn’t want.

Shawn Michaels & Kurt Angle (w/Daivari) vs. Chris Masters & Carlito.

Shawn and Kurt argue over who starts, so Masters and Carlito jump them from behind. Shawn and Carlito wind up alone in the ring to start. Shawn uses Carlito’s hair to hold on to a headlock. Kurt Angle comes in for more headlocks. Carlito blocks a charge but gets clotheslined for two. Masters tags in and gets more of the same. The veterans are grumpy tonight. Masters comes back with a powerslam and goes for the Masterlock, but Angle counters to a German Suplex. Masters avoids a corner charge, and Angle goes right into the ringpost. Carlito knocks Shawn to the floor, and the babyfaces argue on the floor. We come back from commercial to Carlito pounding down Kurt Angle in the corner. Carlito backflips out of a German Suplex. What’s gotten into Carlito lately? He’s like Lucha Carlito. It doesn’t do him much good as he walks right into a belly-to-belly. Masters and Michaels tag in, and Shawn goes into his usual finishing sequence. There goes Carlito over the top. Elbowdrop to Masters. He’s tuning up the band! Carlito sneaks back to the corner and crotches Shawn on the ringpost. Shawn goes into face-in-peril mode. Carlito gets two off a standing dropkick. Shawn crawls to his corner for the desperate tag, but Kurt and Daivari are having a confrontation with a fan. Masters goes for the Masterlock as Kurt passively cleans the tag rope. Shawn DDTs Masters and crawls to the corner. Kurt is talking with Daivari, though, so Shawn drags him in and gives him Sweet Chin Music. Masters locks in the Masterlock, and Shawn superkicks Daivari. Kurt passes out to the Masterlock at 16:56. Big win for Masters and Carlito and a possible precursor to Shawn vs. Angle IV somewhere down the line. ***

Vince catches up with Shawn and accuses him of stabbing Kurt in the back. Vince makes Shawn vs. Kurt for next week. Not that it was going out on a limb or anything, but I told you so.

Todd Grisham catches up with Triple H who tells us that he will win the Royal Rumble and win the WWE Title. Hunter tells us to mark his words. Okay. Hunter. Rumble. WrestleMania. Champion. There you go.

Candice, Torrie and Victoria warm up the sex celebration bed.

Flashback to last night. Edge promises to give Lita’s colon a pollin’ in honor of his title win.

Recap of Stacy on “Dancing With the Stars.” The guy in the middle calls her performance “all sizzle and no sausage.” Why am I not surprised that he criticized the lack of sausage?

Royal Rumble Qualifier: Shelton Benjamin (w/Mama Benjamin) vs. Val Venis.

Val knocks Shelton to the floor where Shelton gets medical assistance from Mama. PUT SUM TUSSIN ON IT! Shelton catches Val coming in and kicks him in the head. Val wins a slugfest and gets two off a Half-Nelson Slam. A small package gets two. I’m not sure for whom, but neither does the ref so it’s okay. Spinebuster by Val. Shelton avoids the Moneyshot and gets two off an Oklahoma Roll. Val avoids the Stinger Splash and schoolboys him for two. Val blocks the T-Bone but staggers to the wrong side of the ring where Mama takes out a hairpin and stabs Val in the ass with it. So that’s how they’re sneaking the steroids into the wrestlers! Val is so stunned that Shelton is able to T-Bone him over for the win at 4:34. *

Royal Rumble Qualifier: Kane vs. Snitsky.

Kane squashes the baby killer with a sideslam and a chokeslam at 1:02. Kane promises more casualties at the Royal Rumble. You think Stephanie has met Snitsky? 1/4*

Edge stops Lita from kissing him. He says she should save it for the ring, but I think we all know that Vince’s love of asparagus has tainted her breath.

World Title Sex Celebration

There are ten minutes left in the show, so I hope she doesn’t want foreplay. Say, if, according to “Wedding Crashers,” the tattoo on the lower back is a bull’s eye, what in the hell does Lita’s shoulder tattoo mean?! Edge says that no one saw it coming. He fooled us all. Except for, you know, everyone on the staff who predicted it. Edge talks about how he’s smarter than everyone. Man, this guy likes to talk during sex. It’d be funny if he dumped Lita now that he’s champion. He introduces his own retrospective video package. Hey, this isn’t sex. It’s just masturbation! Finally, after that’s over, we CUE THE PORNO MUSIC! “Hi, I’m Adam. Did someone call for a pizza?” They strip down to their underwear, which does not reflect well on Edge. I WAS IN THE POOL! THERE WAS SHRINKAGE! Anal dry humping follows. Am I really recapping this?! I keep waiting for Kane to tear through the bed. They black out something, then Lita goes down on Edge (under the covers). Damn you West Coast feed. Damn you straight to hell. WHOOOOOO!!! Ric Flair comes out and derides Edge for taking the easy way out. I’m surprised he didn’t complain about Edge only having sex with one woman to celebrate. Flair promises to come down and show Lita how a real champion screws. Edge wallops him with a chair and gives him a Conchairto on the announce table. John Cena jumps the rail and chases Edge up the ramp. That leaves Lita alone in the ring with Cena. Oh, sure. Now they’re cheering for Cena. Unfortunately, she’s dressed by the time Cena yanks her off the bed and gives her the FU. A little raunchier than I normally like my basic cable, but not entirely unentertaining.

Final Thoughts: The Edge Era starts off with a bang, although not the bang they were promising, obviously. It’s too soon to tell, but Edge really does look like more than just a transition champ (as in transition it back to Cena at the Rumble). The fact that they didn’t get Edge a new non-spinner title does not bode well, though. In other news, Angle vs. HBK next week. Let’s hope for twenty minutes and a clean finish. Plus, Masters and Carlito looked good again. Now give them the tag titles to give them something to do.

J.D. Dunn