The SD! Highlight Reel 01.06.06

The SD! Highlight Reel
January 6, 2005 A.D.
Taped from: Wilkes-Barre, PA
Hosts: Michael Cole, Tazz & Friends

Welcome all to this special Feast of the Epiphany edition of WWE’s ‘Friday Night SmackDown!,’ marking the occasion upon which three learned magi hailing from yonder Persian lands followed the luminescent Star of Bethlehem to the place of Jesus the Christ. Think Vinnie Mac will find a way to celebrate? Like dressing JBL up as a king bearing Wall Street gold? Though doubtful, I for one find the holiday most worthy to be mindful of …

But Michael Cole interrupts my observance with his usual shrieking counter-tenor, announcing that M.N.M.’s tag team title straps will be ON THE LINE tonight …. within a steel cage! But first ….

Match #1: Falls Count Anywhere Singles Contest: Matt Hardy vs. John Bradshaw Layfield w/ Jillian Hall

Layfield is rolling sans royal regalia, as anticipated.

Instead, JBL talks a bit of smack about Hardy and his proclivity toward communication via the internet … Hardy runs out to meet Layfield head on in the crowd! Right hands go flying everywhere, Layfield eventually beating down Hardy’s spinal column with thunderous clubbing blows, and later choking Hardy out with his own ring jacket! Layfield takes the fight to the announce table … but it’s Hardy who drops Layfield straight through it! 1 ……2 ………… 2.62! Hardy begins to work Layfield’s head into the nearby steel post, though Layfield blocks, and slams Hardy head-first into the steel steps! JBL commandeers a chair ……. THWWACCK!! to Hardy’s back! 1 …….2 ………. 2.34! Both men are back inside now, as Layfield goes for a Powerbomb …. Hardy backdrops out! Dropkick by Hardy sends JBL flying to the floor! Hall encourages a Layfield comeback, though Hardy preempts it via a suicide plancha! 1 ………2 ………………….. 2.33!! Hardy now goes fishing for weaponry and finds that wondrous device of old, the ladder! Ram into JBL’s ribcage! And again! Hardy grapples Layfie …. No, JBL reverses and sends Hardy gut-first into the barricades of the stage! JBL no walks Hardy over toward his limo, though there is a *conveniently placed garbage can* in the area, which just so happens to have a lid on top, that Hardy appropriates and knocks Layfield silly! Hardy lays JBL out on top of his limo’s hood and sets up the ladder ………. No, Jillian knocks him off! JBL vacates and Hardy lands straight on the very spot JBL was just lying! Layfield nabs the trash can and knocks Hardy upside the head … Layfield covers ..….. 1 …….. (whoa, Layfield’s driver is still perched in his seat within the limo! ..………2 ………………… 3!!!

Post-match, the Boogeyman strikes, flushing JBL away from ringside, only to thrust a whole slew of live worms down Miss Hall’s skirt! Oh, that dastardly Boogey.

Commercials:

-Hey, Fiddler on the Roof is on PBS! — screw commercials, I’m watching Fiddler this evening.

Match #2: 1-on-3 Handicap Elimination Match: Mark Henry w/ Melina Perez vs. Three Unnamed Jobbers with Greasy Hair

Henry goozles the first dude and tosses him down to the canvas, then hurls him into the NE steel post, ducking outside to wrack his splayed torso against the unforgiving frame. Henry now leads him to the centre of the ring where he locks in a Torture Rack, and the poor sap summarily taps out.

The two remaining contestants argue about who shall enter next, so Hardy simply grabs one by his greasy hair and brings him inside the ring. An elevated face slam later and he’s eliminated, so the third dude attempts a straight-way rapid attack on Henry, though he is rather simply pacified, as Mark just goes up to the middle rope and falls on him. A Powerslam later, and Henry has this match won.

Cole vows to uncover “just what Melina’s relationship is with Mark Henry.” Please. No.

Well by golly, Cole goes to the ring and asks her, implying that she has the same “relationship” with him as she does her M.N.M. boys. Perez begins to sulk, shrinking from the microphone, before engaging in ripe banter concerning her ongoing ‘lawsuit’ against one David Batista. She claims to have no motivations other than to “do the right thing,” though the crowd isn’t appearing to buy it. Perez reveals that Mark is here to protect her from the advances of that wily Batista, as there’s but one thing to remember: she’s the real victim.

Cole now presents us with highlights from last week’s Match Five of Booker and Benoit’s ongoing series for the U.S. Title. We cut to backstage, where Randy and the Ts are engaged in animated discussion attempting to assess blame for last week’s big L (here’s looking at you Byron). Orton makes it clear that once he wins Book the United States Championship, he’ll “owe” him. Regrettably, Booker is rolling without the vest this week.

MISTER ….. KENNEDY! … Kennedy ….

Ken pimps the black suit, strides out to the ring, and summons a microphone from the rafters. Not only is he changing Friday nights in the ring … but he’ll soon change it from the announce table as well! Kennedy now spies the broken table with angst, but soon engages is soft ball talk with Cole and Tazz, eventually giving way to ….

Match #3: Singles Contest for the Cruiserweight Championship of the WWE: Juventud Guerrera (w/o the Mexicools) vs. The Notorious K.I.D., Kid Kash (c)

Kennedy reveals that he is present as a representative of Network executive Palmer Cannon, as Juvy hits Kash with a quick dropkick; Kash reverses an IW, only to fall victim to a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker that nets two for Guerrera. Juvy sends Kash to the floor and goes up top ……. Oh MAN, Juvy goes for a Senton and COMPLETELY misses Kash, who attempts to nick a piece of Guerrera on his way down, but can’t really break his fall at all. Kash slams Juvy face first, then does his best Marcus Vick impression by stomping ALL OVER Guerrera’s calf …. Kash up top ….. misses the Moonsault! Juvy kicks Kash in the gut … Juvy wants a suplex – no Kash escapes! Juvy’s left knee is bothering him, yet he still connects with a spinning heel kick, though can’t take advantage of Kash pops him up for a powerbomb … no, Juvy escapes! But the knee casts him in agony yet again, so K.I.D. puts his thinking cap on, and locks a single leg crab on the side of Guerrera’s bad knee …. Juvy eventually makes the ropes, Kash ascends the turnbuckle ……. Guerrera crotches him! Guerrera follows up …. FRANKENSTEINER!!1! 1 ………. 2 …………….. Kash kicks!! Juvy now approaches the nearly limp carcass of Kash … possum! Juvy goes up top, but the Kid pops right back up and jumps onto the middle rope! Juventud pushes him off though and goes for the 450 ……… WHIFF!! Juvy grabs his left knee in agony …….. DEAD LEVEL Brainbuster for Kash — and, as Kennedy announces it — ein, zwei, drei.

‘Friday Night SmackDown!’ — instructing the masses in foreign language.

Backstage Crystal interviews Booker T, wondering if it’s difficult to be SmackDown! while married. Book replies that any assertion of the same would be utterly false …. Orlando Jordan walks up, however, calling an end to the interview, again seeking to fight Benoit in Booker’s stead. Book again rebuffs him, at which point the beleaguered Jordan – whose hair resembles that of a mad scientist who just got electrocuted – refers to Booker as a “boy.” OOoohh snap.

Elsewhere ACTION 7 NEWS is there to cover Dave Batista, who proclaims he has never engaged with any improprieties — of an illegal nature at least — relative to Melina Perez. Mark Henry interrupts his prepared statement, however, asking Dave what if the roles were reversed … what if it were me taking advantage of you? Huh, Dave?

Whoa

Match #4: Singles Contest: Sixth in a Series of Seven Matches to Determine the Heavyweight Champion of the United States: Randy Orton (as acting proxy of contestant Booker T) vs. Chris Benoit

Referee Nick Patrick presiding.

Collar-and-Elbow lockup to start, Benoit eventually pounds Orton’s brain in, later sending him head first into the NW turnbuckle. Before switching to the SW and kneeing him the gut in triptych. Snap suplex and a cover by Benoit nets 2, as Chris fails to relent, instead pounding Orton into submission all over the canvas. Sharmell now attempts to strike Benoit’s ankle with Booker’s crutch, but Orton gets TICKED and Patrick ejects Sharmell from ringside ….. Book’s crutch and all!

Orton and Benoit now attempt to feel each other out, though Orton sneaks a poke of Benoit’s eye, hits a standing dropkick, and pounds his fist rapid fire all over Benoit’s upper sternum. Randy cinches in a rear chinlock, which Benoit eventually works himself out of, though not until Orton suplexes him across the ring and reapplies the grounded hold. Benoit re-attains his feet, though Orton again suplexes h …. No! Benoit floats out! GERMAN!! Benoit charges ….. but Orton goes OLE! and Benoit flies to the floor!

Orton goes to fish Benoit out of the sub-ringean area, bringing him back to the ring, where he again re-applies the grounded rear chinlock. Booker mentions that he’s attempting to “cut that carotid artery,” right as Benoit arm drags his way out …… AMIGO UNO …… DOS …………. TRES!! Benoit goes up top …. HEADBUTT !! YES! Orton writhes in misery …. 1 ………..2 ………………… 2.73!! Orton falls to his stomach in exhaustion, though Benoit turns him right over to his back and locks in the Sharpshooter!! ….. no, Benoit segues right into the CROSS FACE !! Will Randy tap?? Reach .. ing … for …… the ……. rop …. Randy makes it! Both men rise to their feet, Benoit charging Orton, but instead hitting nothing but turnbuckle; inverted hangman’s neckbreaker drop by Orton!

But Orlando Jordan comes from out of nowhere and deboes Booker upside the head, then ganks his remaining crutch, hits the ring, and nails Benoit with it ….. ensuring Chris the victor via DQ! All square at 3 matches a piece.

Simon Dean waltzes out, claiming 2006 to be the year of the Simon System … and immediately Kendrick and London run out, donning masks that make them appear to be the Phantoms of the SmackDown! Dean announces that they shan’t be taking him on however; rather, they are to face the official tag team of the Simon System … The “Gymini” …

Match #5: Tag Team Contest held under Over the Top Rope Elimination Rules: Brian “Spanky” Kendrick & Paul London vs. Team Gymini w/ Simon Dean

Kendrick and London go for Planchas to the outside before the Zodiac boys can even hit the ring, though each man is caught and resolutely slammed into the other! Team Gym now beats them down inside the ring, hitting London with a military press into a flapjack, then nailing Kendrick with a two man Crucifix Powerbomb … they now toss both the phantoms over the top rope and this one is over.

Backstage Bobby Lashley speaks to us, quite congenially. He seeks an audience with Big Dave … inside the ring and for the World Championship!

Match #6: Tag Team Contest for the Tag Team Championships of the WWE, held inside a Steel Cage with no provision for escape: Heavyweight Champion of the World Dave Batista and Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. M.N.M. (Mercury and Nitro w/ Melina) (c)

Rey and Dave converse strategery, though M.N.M. attempts to call a collective time out … and it’s not recognized! Dave and Rey jump in on the attack, with Dave stacking the pair in the SE corner and jumping on them both. Rey gets in a stiff kick as Dave and he work over Nitro and Mercury, respectively .. but they reverse a double IW and attempt to climb out – referee Jimmy Corderis then informs them that they can’t win that way .. oh no!

Dave slugs down both M and N now, occasioning to toss each man face first into the grille of the cage … and again each man attempts to escape. Rey now gives chase, throwing one man to the canvas while bulldogging the other .. and dropping a leg on the first man in the process! Batista now slings Rey across the ring into Mercury … though he back drops Mysterio into the cage! Dave lifts Nitro up .. and Mercury hits a missile dropkick off the top! 1 ……. 2 . ………… 2.24! M/N now double team Dave, stomping a mudhole in his chest, before moving on to Rey … Double Spinebuster Slam! 1 …………2 ……………. 2.79!! Melina’s boys go back to Dave, driving the soles of their boots into his hide before nailing stereo dropkicks to his fallen frame; cover on Mysterio, meanwhile, nets yet another two … second set of simultaneous dropkicks to Dave sends his body reeling into the sickening cage. M/N now catapult Rey into the cage mask-first! Joey and Johnny each use their legs to leverage Dave further and further into the meshing of the chain linked steel, while Rey crawls about in agony.

Mercury measures Rey for a hard right hand, then flips him cross-ring and charges, with an assist from Nitro … but Rey gets the boot up! Crucifix roll up by Rey on Nitro! 1 ….2 …………… 2.59! And Rey’s going up top …… to THE TOP OF THE CAGE! CROSS BODY onto Mercury!@#!! 1 …………..2 ……………. Save by Nitro! Johnny now IWs Rey, where Mercury catches him and Nitro face plants Rey to the unforgiving mat, but BIG DAVE is here once more! Call this the pseudo hot tag segment, as Dave back body drops Nitro, slings Mercury into the corner for some shoulder thrusts, and ONCE MORE Nitro attempts to escape. Dave gives chase, though Mercury climbs atop his back and links hands with Nitro …. Dave drops him, though, and they’re both crotched on the top rope! Main Event SPINEBUSSTAA!@1 THUMBS dooowwwnnn …..

But here’s Big Mark Henry! He rattles the cage, though it’s masterlocked shut (and not in the Chris Masters sense) …. And Henry busts the chain holding the door tight! Melina claps admiringly whilst Henry pushes the now defunct and detached door into the ring, as Dave just kind of waits around with a stupid look on his face. He finally begins the fight anew, attacking Mercury, though it’s right as Henry enters the fray … Henry picks Dave up and tosses him into the cage’s grilling, and then appropriates himself the door ….. and he nearly IMPALES Dave with it! That is, if it were anything but a blunt, rectangular object. Now Rey gets fenced! Mercury drapes the arm over Rey …… 1 ………… 2 …………… 3!! Champions retain! Champions retain!%!!

Henry now climbs atop of the imposing structure, banging his chest, and asserting his dominance over the SmackDown! landscape.