The SD! Highlight Reel 09.23.05

The SD! Highlight Reel
September 23, 2005 A.D.
Taped from: Lubbock, TX (Texas Tech Univ.)
Hosts: Michael Cole, Tazz & Friends

Welcome to the weekend, gents & gals, and what’s a better way to kick it off than .. to stay inside ….. and watch WWE SmackDown! umm …… yeah!

Tonight, it’s new ‘best friends’ Eddie Guerrero and Dave Batista taking on M.N.M., at the bequest of Network Executive Palmer Cannon. But first ..

Match #1: Singles Contest: Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. ‘Captain Charisma’ Christian

Christian wipes his face to start, almost cleansing himself of the violence that is to follow. Collar and elbow tie up to start, with Book forcing Christian deep into the NE turnbuckle, as Sharmell cheers on. Christian breaks, grabs Book around the waist; no, Book reverses to Christian’s back; no, now Christian breaks the hold once again, runs off the ropes .. hip toss by Booker T! Collar and elbow tie up #2 follows, with Booker breaking the hold now and running off the ropes, leapfrog by Christian … and another hip toss! Christian dives to the floor now, drawing Booker T out with him, and then re-entering the ring ahead of his opponent, and stomping on the tardy Booker. Book comes back with a backdrop though, and sends a few measured chops the way of Christian’s chest in the SW corner. Now Booker mounts Christian, goes for the ten punches ….. and only gets to 3.5 before Christian powerbombs him out! 1……..2 ………….. 2.33! Christian now works the advantage he has wrought himself, choking Booker’s vulnerable neck against the middle rope, before hauling him to the middle and applying a rear chinlock. Cole thinks Tazz should have learned some anger management from Bob Knight whilst they’ve been in Lubbock, Tazz declines, and Christian covers for a deuce.

Christian continues the assault, just putting boot-to-temple and slyly kicking Book about the ring, but now the Book-man comes alive! Punch, punch ……. Roll-up by Christian! 1 ……2 …………. Foot on the ropes! Referee Nick Patrick actually notices it! Both men now run the ropes ……… double clothesline! Double KO! 1 ……2 …….3 …….4 ….. Christian on all fours ……. 5 ……6 ……. Booker comes to life ……..7 …………….. each men now share right hands with one another, Booker takes a slight advantage and NAILS Christian with a Super Kick to the face! 1……..2 …………… 2.76! Christian up now …. Flapjack delivered by Booker T! SPIN-A-ROON ……….. no! Christian BOOTS Booker back to the canvas, Booker back up in the corner, tries to roll Christian up via the ropes ….. no, Christian flops out …… SPINEBUSSTA@! by Booker T ! 1 ………2 ………………….. 2.97!! WOW that was close! Christian now lariats Book down to the mat, goes to remove the turnbuckle off the SE corner, and Nick Patrick is once again AWARE of the Captains’s antics ….. meanwhile, Christian falls victim to a Book End! No ref is home, though, as Patrick re-attaches the turnbuckle. Late count by Patrick nets a 2, Christian pops up to hit a neckbreaker on Book …1 ……….2 ………… 2.74! Christian is nearly incredulous, as Sharmell has a few words with Nick Patrick over Christian’s antics in this matchup. They agree to disagree, and Christian seeks to UNPRETTY her man! NO! Christian off the ropes now …. Sharmell grabs his ankle! Roll-up by Booker T! 1 ………… 2 ………… 3!!

Backstage Eddie Guerrero is attacked by a sudden case of botulism, yet swears he won’t let it sidetrack him from his responsibilities later this evening. Teddy seems to think different, as Eddie runs off-screen and RETCHES like a Florida Marlins batboy. Teddy almost loses his lunch as well.

Commercials:

-“The fate of our world is at hand.” And we’re entrusting the dudes from ‘Mortal Kombat??’
-It is a much better option than the Brothers Grimm, however.
-Dude, they wrote fairy tales.

New Image Consultant for JBL Enterprises stands centre-ring states that while one can take the man out of Texas, one cannot take Texas out of the man; here he is, the man who rides higher in the saddle than even the illimitable Samuel Houston, John Bradshaw Layfield! Cue the NYSE bells!!

JBL rides out ….. sans limo! When in Lubbock, do as the Lubbockians, as Layfield rolls in via a great Texas stallion, cowboy hat, blue jeans, and all! Layfield now strikes a devout pose on his knees, thanks West Texas for the outstanding ovation, and proclaims how great it is to be back in the Lone Star State. The crowd informs him “he sucks,” so JBL simply retorts that they need not be adversarial, considering he “[is their] favourite son.”

Layfield almost calls Jillian “beautiful,” but stops a shade shy and proclaims her brilliant, before segueing into how great of a town New York is …. By golly, you can purchase a $500 shot of Scotch at every bar! But, hey, Texas is great too …. After all, it is the home state of John Bradshaw Layfield. Plus, he can even rock the Presidential casual of blue jeans and semi-dress shirt — even though he is a bit more fashion-conscious and does speak English fluently.

Whoaaa … time out. JBL takes a shot at Bush??!? That’s actually extremely surprising, considering Layfield’s position and future endeavours, but by now Layfield has moved on to his trademark phrase ……. “I am a wrestling …….. GOD!” and exits the ring with a smile as wide as the Red River.

Commercials:

-Purchase the Ultimate Warrior DVD. See the shooters of the WWE break out veritable shoulder-strapped nukes!
-Geez, they even bury the poor guy on the ad; “I have never been in the ring with anyone less professional,” “I could not wait to fire him.”
-What does Vince have to gain by doing this? Is he really just out to stroke his own ego?
-That’s rhetorical by the way, I think we all know the answer to that.

Match #2: Non-Title Tag Team Contest: LoD2005 Road Warrior Animal & Heidenreich vs. Jared Steele & Anthony Colleti

Heidenreich starts out on Colleti, reams him with a clothesline and then tags in Animal. He allows Colleti to tag in Steele, whom he no-sells a bunch of punches from, and then downs with a Scoop Slam …….. DOOMSDAY DEVICE!@!! 270 degree flip-sell#!! 1 …….. 2…………….. 3!!!

Backstage Sylvain gets a bit of facial treatment, while Christy and Stacy chat nearby; he begins to critique their wardrobe (Christy’s rhinestones are so fake), and really reminds me of Carson Pressley this afternoon on E!’s Fashion Police recap of the Emmy’s. Bob Holly walks in, and remarks that while Sylvain’s got the black boots, the black knee pads, and the black trunks, he’s still missing one necessary accessory: the black eye.

Commercials:

-America’s Top Model is coming back for yet another season, and potentially another failed victor
-Did you see where Tyra, on her talk show, recently asked all the men in the audience to vacate the studio, wherein she then underwent a sonogram procedure to prove her breasts were real? I swear I’m not making this up.
-I’d like to know what all those dudes in the hallway were talking about: Dude, your wife drug you along too? Yeah … hey man, is that some vodka in that water bottle?

Match #3: Singles Contest: Sylvain Grenier vs. ‘Hardcore’ Bob Holly w/ Stacy Keibler and Christy Hemme

Cole puts Sylvain over as a legitimate male model since the age of ten, as we get a series of glam-esque photo shots of Grenier.

Holly starts things off by chopping Sylvain’s chest like the dickens, but runs the ropes a bit too fast, as Grenier shoves him over the top rope and to the floor. Back to the inside, Grenier clasps Holly’s face to his palms, and strings Bob out against the middle rope, as Stacy smiles the whole time … who’s she rooting for anyways? Sylvain now sends Holly to his knees in the NW corner, then hits a big Vertical Suplex, followed by a vertical scoop slam, covers …1 ………… 2 ……………… 2.21! Grenier now sends a straight right to Holly’s face …. and runs right into a Holly dropkick!! Both men are out now, with Holly getting to his feet first, landing a couple of rights, and now taking Grenier down to the mat with a pair of lariats. BIG back body drop by Holly to Sylvain …… Full Nelson Slam!! Hardcore now measures Grenier for the Alabama Slam …….. Grenier floats out! Roll-up! 1……… 2 …………….. ……… 2.87!! Grenier GOES UP STAIRS ………. Missile Dropkick!! The Male Model now talks some smack to Stacy, but takes a straight right hook to the eye socket, and immediately grasps his eye …. Oh no, is it damaged? Is his beautiful face besmirched?? Grenier exits the premises immediately, as Holly picks up the victory via count out.

Backstage Teddy informs Dave that Eddie is “really sick” and may be unable to go. Dave has heard as much, although why he refers to an obvious case of botulism as “a tummy ache” is beyond me. He does, however, mention, that he’s not too concerned since he’s got the best doctor in town on the way over!

Commercials:

-Who needs steroids when you can simply train your way to 73 HRs via the Bowflex Advanced for just $23 / month?
-*snickers*
-I can’t believe Bonds is actually playing this year; yeah, don’t join the squad while the Giants actually have any kind of a shot left at the playoffs, wait until they’re COMPLETELY out of it.

We return with ‘Cowboy’ Bob Orton setting up a casket and a bunch of flowers in the ring, with the lights out and the Monks of Saint Andrew’s chanting in the background; but first, highlights from last week’s contest!

Upon completion of these formalities, Bob takes the mic, introduces his “boy, the future of SmackDown!” Randy, and a strange “WWE Legends” logo replaces the WWE scratch logo in the bottom left hand corner of our screen; let’s see if it has any notable confluence with the events depicted on screen.

Randy now strides out striking a pose, and grabs the mic from big papi. Randy now asks him to open up the casket, and it appears to be the UT body double mannequin from last week. Orton continues now, lecturing on wrestling theory; what is it that separates the real main event players from the pretending riff-raff? It’s mind games and Randy Orton proved last week that he is a prime practitioner of them.

But wait …… the camera shifts over to the casket ….. and an eye winks at young Randy behind his back!! The crowd awaken to the identity of the entity in the casket, yet the Orton clan simply tries to quite the crowd down …… Randy walks over …… GOOZLE!! Get out of here, son! Taker SLINGS Randy into the casket!!

Randy extricates himself just in time, as he and Bob simply want to prevent themselves from suffering any further embarrassment!

Commercials:

-Upcoming WWE SmackDown! schedule; feel the action & intensity: Laredo, TX; Austin, TX; Houston, TX. An experience like no other.
-Priority alert! Priority alert! All vehicles at Millennium Mazda of Durham must be moved at liquidation prices!!
-Just figured you guys should know, if any happen to live in the area.

Match #4: Singles Contest: Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. ‘Mr.’ Ken Kennedy

Ken says he’s actually impressed with Tony Chimmel’s performance this evening, and apologises for criticising his work these past few weeks; hey, give me a hug man. Please, Tony, take a bow …. ……. LOW BLOW!!

Kennedy now commandeers a microphone that dangles from the rafters, and reports himself at 244 lbs. … “yep, gained another pound — the Simon System actually works!”

Rey has new theme music, which is an uninspired remix of the classic Cops theme song, entitled Booyaka 619. I don’t know where they come up with this stuff from.

Rey and Ken circle one another, with Rey kicking at Kennedy’s lower left leg MMA style, booting Kennedy in the face, and slinging him down via a head-scissors arm drag combo. Kennedy bails and talks smack to Rey, but gets drop toeholded down upon entering, and Rey covers for 2. Irish Whip, Kennedy picks Rey up high for a Flapjack …. and puts him down Rock Bottom style into a back breaker!! SWEET! Kennedy now stomps all over the crest-fallen Mysterio; Kennedy sends some rights toward Rey’s face, Mysterio counters with a springboard moonsault! 1 ……. 2 ………… Kennedy rolls through and pick Mysterio up …… SPINNING URANAGE by Kennedy!! Kennedy’s now landed two moves that would be finishers for nearly everyone else on the roster; Rey comes up fighting however, maneuvering past Kennedy to the apron, where he connects with the Springboard Buttdrop!! 1 ………2 ………………… 2.91!! Mysterio responds by going for a flying DDT …… Kennedy plants him! 1 ……….2 …………….. Rey gets his foot on the rope! Kennedy charges Rey, dives head first down to the middle rope, 6 1 …. No, Kennedy vacates the predicament, so Rey simply goes up top ….. wait, what’s this? JBL’s out here on a stallion waving his hat??

Kennedy utilizes the distraction to climb alongside Mysterio atop the NE turnbuckle, and he’s got him set up! SUPER SAMOAN ROLL@!#!! 1 …………..2 ………………. 3!!

Backstage Palmer Cannon’s excited about RAW’s return to USA Network, wondering if perhaps SD! should take an ad out or something ..

Elsewhere, Sharmell tells Book how good he looked tonight, and how he should walk around with some gold around his waist. And, well, she was talking with …… no, she shouldn’t say it …… well ….. I was talking with Ken Kennedy last week ….

You were talking to that rooty-pooty??

Yeah, and what he said made a lot of sense; why doesn’t Chris Benoit give you a Title Shot? You know, if he and the other Champions won’t give you their respect, maybe you’ll just have to earn it?

Further backstage a road agent playing doctor informs Eddie he has no symptoms whatsoever …. “but I could have appendicitis!” …… the doctor still no-sells him, although a curvaceous nurse is more given to his wails of agony, and blindly gropes about his heaving chest, attempting to find just the spot where his pain is emanating.

Commercials:

-Ehh, let’s flip channels …..
-Holy crap, ARMY is defeating Iowa State 14-7, with 2:42 remaining in the 2nd Quarter!
-I believe I had ISU in my top 10 going into this contest, after their big win over Iowa a couple weeks back; perhaps readjustments are imminent.

Match #5: Singles Contest: Bobby Lashley vs. Simon Dean

Tazz says that while he’s personally had some difficulties with the Simon System, he hears it’s quite potent stuff.

Lashley is RIPPED beyond belief, btw. Lashley powers Dean down to the canvas; fortunately Dean lands near some of his System and takes a swig as muscular reinforcement. Fierce shoulder knockdown by Lashley keeps Dean grounded, though, and the young man continually hauls Dean up and down, up and down against the canvas. Dean comes back with a mid-kick for 2, and begins pounding all over the larger man’s upper spinal region. Half Nelson applied by Dean, who drapes himself over Lashley’s back, though Bobby, flat on his stomach, actually performs push-ups with Dean on his back! Overhead suplex by Lashley …… GUTWRENCH FACEBUSTER@!! 1 ……. 2 ……………… 3!!

Commercials:

-The 3 Stooges, digitally restored and remastered! You get all the slap stick, all the madness ….19 complete episodes on three DVD discs For just the small introductory price of $29.98 + $5.00 s&h. Call 1 [phone] today!
-Monday Night RAW commercial! If TNA’s gonna advertise on Spike, then by golly, USA’s gonna buy spots on UPN!

Match #6: Singles Contest for the Heavyweight Championship of the United States: Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit (c)

Can Jordan get off the schnide and overcome his recent three match losing streak?

Referee Jimmy Corderis presiding, he shows the Title Belt to all parties considered, and the Red Raiders in attendance engage in a robust chant of “YOU TAPPED OUT.” Jordan stalls to begin, but catches a hard right from Benoit at about 21 seconds, and ties Benoit up in the ropes around 32 secs. Jordan is quite pleased with himself for the progress he has made … and Benoit jumps him from behind!! CROSS-FACE@!! Will …. he ………. YESS!#!!! Jordan taps out at about 48.2 seconds, although the official WWE time clock runs till about 49.8. I’m guessing all these 1.5 – 2.0 second discrepancies we’ve been experiencing in this series is due to the time elapsed between Jordan actually striking the canvas with his palm, and the tolling of the ring bell.

Backstage Eddie is still under the careful auspices of Miss Nurse, though Dave waltzes in and seamlessly takes her place feeling all over Eddie’s mid-section. Dave’s manly touch rouses Guerrero from his near-euphoristic state, as Dave announces he’s brought the ‘best doctor in town’ with him … one “Doctor Barnett.” Barnett has a glint in his eye that can only mean one thing, so Eddie quickly announces himself ready to compete, though Dave thinks maybe the Doctor should have a look anyways, just so he can be medically cleared to compete …… why Eddie would ever need a rectal exam for a case of botulism is beyond me, but I guess that’s why I’m studying History, Poli Sci, and Slavic Languages & Literatures.

Commercials:

-Get yourself some smoky Barbecue boneless wings with a hint of molasses ….
-Our ball game’s at halftime unfortunately and I can’t get a score; dag nab it, all they’re talking about is Monday Night’s SEC showdown.

Match #7: MAIN EVENT Tag Team Contest: Heavyweight Champion of the World Dave Batista & #1 Contender to the Heavyweight Championship of the World Eddie Guerrero vs. M.N.M. (Joey Mercury & Johnny Nitro) w/ Melina Perez

I believe this is the first SmackDown! in a long while to feature 7 matches.

Dave performs his little rodeo-esque water sprinkler maneuver at the stage, while donning some new cobalt blue trunks, before hitting the ring, as the camera crew scurries to find every young nubile Texan coed in attendance.

Eddie staggers out, but Referee Brian Hebner calls for the bell anyways, and Dave can’t decide whether to hold off and wait for Eddie or engage in combat. Combat wins out, as Dave knocks Mercury down with the strength of his right shoulder. Mercury asks for some more, and runs into a collar and elbow tie up, but is quickly tossed back down to the canvas in a matter of microseconds. Mercury bails to the floor, as Nitro attempts to double team Dave, but only gets punched back to whence he came for his troubles; back inside, Miss Perez occupies Lil’ Heb as M.N.M. circles around Dave, as Nitro comes in from the corner to kick him right in his jaw. Tag to Mercury, as Eddie claps his approval, and Mercury lands a neckbreaker, followed up by a high knee drop ……. 1 …….2 …… 2.23! Mercury connects with a second neckbreaker, and a tag back in to Nitro ….

Double Team Suplex! Nitro hooks a leg ………1 ……..2 ………… 2.34! Nitro pounds on the back of Dave’s left knee in the SW corner, before continuing to engage the larger man with a series of punches and stomps …. Dave ROCKETS out of the corner to tackle Nitro!! Tag to Mercury, while Dave is bereft of any partner to bring into the fray …… Dave picks Mercury up, and rams him into the NW corner .. Nitro runs in and he receives the same treatment! Batista now clotheslines BOTH men, first together, then separately ……. Dave picks Mercury up, drops him upon spying Nitro’s running approach …….. MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSSTA@!! to Nitro! DEMON SPAWN BOMB OF HORRIFIC GLOOM to Mercury!%#!! ……

BLIND TAG by Eddie Guerrero!!@!! FROG SPLASH!#!*!! 1 ……….. 2 …………….. 3!!

Dave acts a bit perturbed at Eddie having “stolen” his victory, but isn’t it a team effort? What, is Dave not a team player? And isn’t he supposed to be Mr. Gregarious, Affable Dave anyways?

Burning queries aside, check out the FINAL episode of WWE Monday Night RAW to air on Spike TV this Monday, at 9:00 PM! Good night, and good weekend all!