The SD! Highlight Reel 12.30.05

The SD! Highlight Reel
December 30, 2005 A.D.
Taped from: Uncasville, CT
Hosts: Michael Cole, Tazz & Friends

It’s the first episode of SmackDown! since Armageddon! What went down at the massive ppv event? How has everyone coped with the 334 hour absence since we last met across the great dining table of Friday night rasslin’?

The action starts out thick, as Booker and Benoit argue backstage in Teddy R. Long’s office of general managerialship. Messers Long and T are rolling three piece suits, whilst Benoit is simply donning his wrestling tights. Early advantage goes to them, although Long leans toward declaring tonight’s match #5 in the best of series to Benoit, seeing as Book can’t wrestle. He doesn’t like the sound of that one bit, and thusly concocts the idea of picking a substitute to wrestle in his stead …. And Teddy allows the arrangement! The stench of rats permeates my sitting room …..

John Bradshaw Layfield! JBL rides to the ring in the steer-wagon, accompanied by Image Consultant Jillian Hall, as Cole and Tazz narrate the highlights from his wrestling contest versus Matt Hardy, at Armageddon. Layfield goes over to said announcing crew and blesses them out for a bit before Matt Hardy V One-ahhh’s music hits, and he’s ready for round II! Hardy sells the head a bit before …

Match #1: Singles Contest: John Bradshaw Layfield w/ Jillian Hall vs. Matt Hardy

Hardy lands three early forearms to JBL’s grille, though the big Texan reverses an IW into a big boot, and he soon goes to work on Hardy along the ropes. A neckbreaker, a let’s go Hardy chant, and another neckbreaker later, and JBL’s is squarely in control of this bout. Layfield lands a knee to Hardy’s face before going to an IW-shoulder block combo, and dropping three consecutive elbows. Layfield flashes the Cabinet ‘C’ logo — is it really returning?? Hardy swings wildly in the air no where near Layfield, selling an apparent concussion of some sorts, so JBL simply approaches him cautiously and pounds all over his damaged noggin. The ‘C’ is once again flashed, for reasons of posterity I can only postulate, as Layfield nails an overhand suplex. Hardy dodges a big boot, only to boot Layfield himself ……. Bulldog by Hardy! Both men are out …. Layfield up first …… another shoulder block! Who is he now, Monty Brown?? JBL now exposes the NW turnbuckle – Hardy dodges an attack and slings JBL’s face right into the steel!! Non-yodeling leg drop by Hardy!! 1 …….2 …………….. 2.78 TWIST OF FA …. No! JBL catches Hardy into a LAST CAL ….. no, SUPER LAST CAL ………

……..

The Boogeyman!$!

………

Layfield proceeds with the SUPER LAST CALL, nailing the maneuver on a dazed Hardy, as Boogey does his little jiggle outside …….. CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!@!@11! ……. Jillian Hall takes a dive! Layfield checks up on her, but runs right into Boogey in the process! Both Hall and Layfield act SHOCKED, standing motionless for the requisite ten seconds, allowing Hardy to win via count out!!

Backstage Book’s still pimping the three piece, as Orlando Jordan hurries up to him … he feels really bad about Booker’s injury, and would thus feel “honoured” to be selected as his sub in tonight’s contest …. Sharmell vetoes this idea rather quickly, and vehemently, given Jordan’s recent difficulties relative to Benoit. He states that he’ll “remember this,” though the T couple seems eminently unconcerned.

Commercials:

-Sorry, I changed the channel
-To local news
-WWE’s advertising partners are so embarrassingly monotonous that one is flooded with the distinct impression that he’s seen every commercial so often that they’ve become synonymous with a horrendous night’s sleep.

Match #2: Tag Team Contest: The Mexicools (Super Crazy and Psychosis) vs. James & Chad Dick

James and Chad dance for the crowd before Chad starts out with Psy, each dodging an arm drag before Psy hits a shoulder block and tags into Super. James occasions to tag in now as well, but not before he gets caught with a dropkick by SC, who tags Psy back in …. Ohhh, Chad tosses him off the top rope, allowing James an advantage …. He locks in a rear chinlock before whipping Psychosis over to the NE corner …. Charge …. Psychosis evades and kicks him in the back! Tag to SC! He dropkicks Chad to the floor and into the Juan Deere! Slam to James! Sunset Flip off the top to James! …….. 1 ……. 2 ……….. save by Chad! Rollup by SC ….. 1 ………. 2 ………. 2.64! Crazy pops James up into the sky for a missile dropkick by Psychosis!! MOONSAULT by Crazy! 1…..2 ……………. 3!!

Backstage Booker T advances upon a lonesome and Hayden Christensen-esque emoting Randy Orton, who slinks sullenly across a barren locker. Booker asks for him to fight in his stead this evening, noting that he’s the best, supreme, most talented individual sitting backstage this evening. Randy balks, but Book eventually rounds him into a fighting demeanor through negative reinforcement.

Commercials:

-Sony PSP’s graphics “are nuts … they have more flavour than a pistachio”
-That defies …. all means of explication. To annotate such would be to deface a standing edifice to human indecency

Backstage Melina readies a scrap of paper, clutching it ever so tightly, while engaging in animated conversation with her boys M & N. Angst-ridden, she slides through the velour curtains that separate WWE’s virtual Candy Land from the reality of a grime-ridden arena, prepared to address her adorative throng ….

Mock reporters, primed with both notepad and flash camera, surround the ring, talking shop and negotiating their craft. Legal representation accompanies Melina to the ring, intending to lend a semblance of propriety to the proceedings, though in fact serving to mock the sham event all the greater.

Perez stammers through a few words, looking back at her attorney quite unconvincingly, before sputtering out that the subject matter which she is to hereafter discuss is of a distinctly adult nature, and all the kiddies should be sent out the room, animal crackers in hand. “As a role model for young women,” however, she has no choice but to do what’s right – as well as for all other females who have found themselves in similar quandaries. And what is that quandary, you may (or if you’re smart, will not) ask? She is the victim of sexual assault. She told Dave to stop, yet he didn’t. He was World Champion. The power — his power — he lured her into sexual relations. The public simply doesn’t know … the monster …. The ‘beast’ that truly lies beneath his goofy, yet witty and elegant exterior. Here is the true Batista – a man to stop at nothing. He gets want he wants. Whom he hurts? Of no concern. But no, this has gone tremendously too far. Her body is hers, and not subject to the appropriation of power-saturated uber-males. As a result, she has decided upon a course of legal action, and is therefore SUING one David Batista.

Cole and Tazz actually seem to take all this quite seriously.

Commercials:

-NYR ad …the Elimination Chamber is described as the “most demonic” structure in wrestling ….
-Wait .. isn’t that precisely what I heard just 2 weeks ago, enticing me to plop down my $34.95, relative to Hell in a Cell?
-Ridiculous

Match #3: Fifth in a Series of Seven Contests to Determine the Heavyweight Champion of the United States: Chris Benoit vs. The Proxy of Contestant Booker T, Randy Orton

Book and Sharmell venture out to ringside, joining the commentary, to get a better view of tonight’s big match, Booker hobbling his way down with the ample assistance of crutches.

Referee Nick Patrick officiating.

Chris and Randy lock up in collar and elbow fashion, with Randy eventually gaining a side headlock. The two part, with Orton hitting a shoulder block, though Chris pops up into an early crossface attempt … Randy eventually breaks free after nearly 29 frightful seconds and dives out to the floor.

Back inside, Orton slides Benoit into a grounded side headlock, as Chris attempts to leverage his right forearm against Orton’s neck in an attempt to press out. Orton breaks voluntarily, shoulder blocking Benoit back down to the canvas, though Benoit quickly comes back with numerous chops to Orton’s chest. Orton sells the chops, but not until after he’d tossed Benoit flat into the SE middle turnbuckle. Quick pin by Orton nets 2; Orton charges Benoit into the SE corner …. Whiff! Arm drag by Benoit! Chris grabs a kneeled arm bar, though Orton reverses .. no, Benoit reverses straight-way back to the armbar. Orton works his way beyond his knees and to his feet, though Benoit headbutts him right back to the canvas. Benoit, now, grabs himself a side headlock on Orton, as the young man attempts to extricate himself by utilizing his legs to throw his body weight over top his head. Orton eventually wings his way to his feet in a down dog yoga position (or thereabouts), eventually torquing Benoit’s head betwixt his knees …. No, Benoit flies free and grabs the headlock again, though the pair quickly regain their feet …. Orton tosses Benoit to the floor!

The two now do battle right in front of the announce table, with Benoit landing a couple initial chops, through Randy turns the battle, and quickly slings Benoit’s face into the announce table! Orton back drops Benoit atop the guard rail!! Randy slips Benoit back inside …1 ……2 ………… 2.35! Randy now grabs a grounded rear naked choke on Benoit, even though he appears to be bleeding from the nasal region. Orton releases the hold in favour of twisting Benoit’s head from side to side, attempts an unsuccessful quick cover, and re-applies the hold. Benoit works his way to his feet, elbowing his way to extrication, and eventually chops Orton into near oblivion l…. GERMAN! Another! THRE …. No! CROSS-FACE!! Cole openly cheers Benoit to lock in the hold, a dastardly application of his commentative power. Orton grabs the rope and slips outside, and simply stands there like a festering moron for about 8 seconds whilst Benoit ran the entire length of the ring – twice – to strike him with a flying suicide dive.

Back inside, Orton works an armbar on Benoit, though seems to reluctantly toss him wholesale into the SW post, shoulder first. Perhaps it wasn’t so reluctantly, as he repeats the action, and continues the assault by stomping all over Benoit’s left arm / shoulder area. Randy re-applies the arm bar to said half of Benoit’s body …. No, Benoit breaks free! ENZIGUIRI!!1 Both men are out! 1 ….. 2…….. 3 …….. Benoit leans over on Orton! 1 ……2 …………… 2.63!! Benoit now stomps on Orton’s right knee, though Randy comes back with his inverse hangman’s neckbreaker! Orton measures the fallen Benoit and heads TO THE TOP ….. Benoit staggers in on approach …… Orton attempts his initial WWE finisher the flying cross-body ….. WHIFF! Benoit hits him with a German, nails a couple knees right to Orton’s gut and goes to .. …. .. the TRES AMIGOS …. Uno ……. Dos …………. Tres !! FLYING HEAD BU ……… Orton dodges!!! Randy stalks Chris …… no! SHARPSH ……. No, Orton drop toeholds Benoit into the NE turnbuckle! … R K ……. NO!! CROSS-FACE @!!#!1 ……….. and Sharmell hits the ring, striking Benoit upside the head with Booker’s crutch! DQ victory for Benoit!

Post-match, Benoit engages in heated long-range discussion with the Ts before …….. RKO!! Randy looks upon the injurious damage he’s just wrought upon Benoit and vacates the area, gingerly grasping his left arm.

Commercials:

–Underworld: Evolution commercial ….Kate Beckinsale is “the only one who can save this world” ….. ??
-I know I already made this remark, concerning a couple other chaps, back when the Brothers Grimm came out, but if Kate Beckinsale is our only hope, then we are truly all screwed.

SmackDown!’s Number One Announcer, Funaki, stands somewhere amidst the crowd, introducing us to the new – err, the gentleman to his right whispers something into his ear – the greatest Cruiserweight Champion in history, Kid Kash. The crowd reacts bitterly, though Kash remarks that this is simply an unfortunate by product of him defeating Juventud … wait, what is a Juventud anyways? Kash illuminates us on this topic, remarking that he occasioned to look up the term in the dictionary – yes, he does indeed know his way around one – and found that a “juventud” is none other than a Mexican salamander. Kash laments the propensity of the WWE to fill its Cruiserweight division with foreigners, before turning on Funaki for this very cause. “A new day is dawning” in the Cruiserweight Division — that of the Notorious K. I. D. — and a Dead Level brainbuster to Funaki later, he may have proven himself correct.

Backstage Josh Mathews stands primed to relay Dave Batista’s reaction to the allegations leveled against him by Melina Perez. Meanwhile …

Sylvan Grenier stands centre-ring, promoting the swank villas of Paris and Montreal, and bemoaning his own plight of celebrating the new year in the States. Quickly interrupting him is Bobby Lashley — now with new and improved pyro! — and it appears as if these two will get it on!

Match #4: Singles Contest: Bobby Lashley vs. Sylvan Grenier

Sylvan pounds on Lashley early, taking the fight to the young man with numerous clubbing blows to his monumentous back. Lashley quickly reasserts control, however, ramming Grenier into the SE corner until Sylvan ends up bailing. Back inside, Lashley hits a belly to belly suplex, and again, Grenier bails. Sylvan complains of Lashley un-prettying (homage paid) his face, and voluntarily gets himself counted out, in order to best attend to what we can only assume are severe facial lacerations.

Backstage, we return to Josh, as Big Dave conveniently decides to accompany him just as the prior match was prematurely ending. Batista’s only comment regarding the allegations are a suggestion that we the public should “consider the source;” instead focusing on tonight’s big Tag Team Title matchup ….. he and Mysterio versus M.N.M. —- and it’s next!

Commercials:

-Hey, William Shatner is on ‘Jimmy Kimmel’ ….
-And Kristen Bell sits next to him! They both sang at the Emmy’s, apparently, with Shatner coyly asking if it was good for her. Ha! that guy is the man!!
-Bell speaks on the rabid fan base her show ‘Veronica Mars’ has generated, as Kimmel cautions her against stalkers ….. beautifully, the camera pans to Shatner who simply stares at her like she’s a vacant mouthpiece of the damned or something. Wonderful!

Match #5: Tag Team Contest for the Tag Team Championships of the WWE: M.N.M. (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro w/ Melina Perez) vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr. and Dave Batista (c)

Melina scurries away to a hidden, dark, dank corner as Batista is introduced, conversing with her boys in search of emotional guidance.

Mercury starts off with Mysterio, as Joey gives some last minute strategy to Nitro …. Mysterio fends off a sneak attack on the part of Nitro and tags in Batista, who assaults first Mercury, and later Nitro, who had found his way into the ring once again. Both men end up sitting in the SW corner, as Mysterio tags in and gives them a double Bronco Buster, before hitting a springboard splash! Tag now to Dave who hauls Mercury on top him …. Mercury floats out … ohh Dave catches him with a back elbow and a tag to Rey. Mysterio comes in with a springboard moonsault, runs past the newly tagged in Nitro, and hits him with a back twisting tilt a whirl headscissors! Mercury assails Mysterio on the apron, allowing Nitro enough time to SUPERKICK him flat to the floor! Nitro now talks smack to Dave, beseeching Jimmy Corderis to clean up the mess, allowing Mercury enough time to go hog wild beating down on Rey’s right knee. Nitro torques the knee and ankle about 38 degrees counter clockwise before tagging in to Mercury, quick count ……… 1 ..2 ………. 2.11!! And Mercury dusts the ample cobwebs off the BROCK LOCK!@!!` and applies it to Mysterio’s gimp knee! IW to Mysterio, and he collapses mid run, selling his lower appendage to high heaven. Tag back to Nitro who hops onto the knee with the assist of the rope, and now does the same except while flipping over to the floor!

Dave’s finally had enough of this mess and walks on over to get a better look, though Corderis again placates him, and the action returns to the ring. Nitro mocks Mysterio’s new injury before kicking him in the back of the knee, sendind Rey flipping, and covers …1 …….2 ………….2.54! …………. 2.61!! Nitro now picks Rey up and into the SE corner, holding his foot in the craw of the middle rope and sending all his weight down atop the knee via his own left shin. Tag to Mercury, who comes in and the pair send Mysterio flying into the turnbuckle …. But Rey escapes! Can he tag Dave?? Both M and N grab him …… double DDT!! TAG TO DAVE!! Shoulder thrusts to Mercury! SPEAR to Nitro! THUMBS DOWN for Mercury ….. no, broken up by Nitro, though he’s hurricanrana’d off the apron by Mysterio! Dave hits a spinning powerslam on Mercury, though Joey’s feet knock Referee Corderis clean out, resulting in a no count on Dave’s resultant pin attempt. That’s silly since no one wins on a powerslam anyways …. Well, except for the gentleman who now hits the ring, MARK HENRY! Henry picks Dave up like it’s nothing and DEBOs Dave with a Powerslam; Corderis revives just as Mercury slides on over for the cover ……….1 ………….. 2 ………………… 3!! New Champions! New Champions!!

Melina holds Henry’s arm aloft in celebration, flashing a knowing smirk Big Dave’s way …. whatever is our hero now to do??