The Seventh Dimension 01.11.08: A Dynasty of Markness

Welcome to your first Friday measure of vitamin 7D. Unless you’re reading this on a different day, in which case hello as usual.

I’ve gone back to the old, classic format which I hope to stick to. The Reader Feedback portion is out except on weeks where I receive an email, so feel free to use the comment box and I’ll respond on there if I feel I need to. Everything else from the first issue, aside from the ‘entrance music’ at the top, is present and correct – main subject, ‘Titbits’ (formerly ‘Tidbits’ until I found out ‘Titbits’ was the original word), and ‘Wrestlelife’ which is an ego-trip later linked to wrestling in order to justify its slot.

There is one other thing that I used to incorporate regularly on here, which was the ‘Rubbish Youtube Quote of the Week~!’ part of the Titbits section. However, on this occasion I’ll give it a miss, and with good reason – I’ll be referencing a lot of them within the primary topics.

A Dynasty of Markness

The internet has been a mixed blessing for the world of ‘sports entertainment’. Every day, it is possible to come onto a site like this and delve the depths of all manner of information. Ratings, spoilers, minor news items and updates, you name it. This was a business that, for the better part of a century, convinced the vast majority of its actual viewers that it was genuine, and now? Now it is now possible to learn just about every backstage development, from WWE all the way down to small-time indy shows, with nothing more than a modem connection and decent eyesight. The transformation, along with just about every technological and political advancement of the last hundred years, has been immense and somewhat overlooked.

One of the most popular thoughts from those within the IWC is that kayfabe is dead. On almost all analytical ‘insider’ sides, you’ll find articles analysing booking and whathaveyou that claim that “wins and losses don’t mean anything in 2008”, or that “nobody cares about the storylines these days”. Usually, these statements are reserved until after the result, or are used when an angle has the smallest flaw or quirk that could potentially fail if not executed properly. With the right cynic of course, even the most innocent little details, such as a manager feeling split on who to defend, will be passed off as “soap opera crap”.

In a way, I wish this was true. I’d feel a lot more comfortable if every grown-up, indeed every fan older than 11, was fully aware of the situation and knew what the deal was. It seems, as someone who is accustomed to 411mania and Wrestling Observer and the like, that the information I read should be universally coveted by all. Sometimes, especially when you’re correct, it’s almost impossible to think that anybody could accept anything remotely deviant from your own judgment. In my perfect world, the equation for life in general ought to be ‘me + thoughts = accuracy, accuracy ÷ human-beings = happy smile time’.

However, this simply isn’t the case. There are viewers the world over, even with WWE’s occasional and frank references to such secrets as Triple H’s marriage to Stephanie and the like, who believe that what they witness on television is to be taken as authentic. For every twelve-year-old mocking his friend for enjoying a Finlay/Mysterio classic, there may be more than one person who genuinely hates or fears Khali based on his comedy scraps with the midget son of the CEO (which they’ve also fooled themselves into thinking is true). And we’re not just talking about the children, here – I guarantee you that there are probably just as many adults who think what they see is genuine.

Don’t believe me? Don’t want to believe me? Don’t care? Don’t like ice cream?

Well, I provide to you proof. For the purposes of the article, I have spent the best part of a week scouring Youtube for the best possible quotes. Don’t worry, you won’t be seeing seven day’s worth of such spleen here. Instead, I’ll just study a few and pigeon-hole them into three categories for a more comprehendible read.

The Unsullied Mark

The mark. The purest, most blissfully unaware of wrestling fans, still going strong many years after the inception of the Internet Wrestling Community. For the longest time, all but the most canny of persons has been ignorant of the planned nature of the profession. To this day, a huge amount of those who watch believe in the ideals of ‘good vs. bad’, which is astonishing when you think about the things the athletes are doing in that ring night after night and the lunacy of the storylines and conditions they find themselves in.

The mark is often illiterate, which makes me believe that their gullibility is not their only mental flaw. The majority of marks are hermits, confined to a small group of similar friends (and that’s not a stereotype – most of them will admit to this, if nothing more, unless on the defensive in which case they’ll claim they’re shagging the school bicycle with their firm, fifteen-inch cocks).

A few instances of this are evidenced here:

jeffhardy1014
Oh yeah tell that to his face he might even kick ortons and your ass

This was in response to a very concise and fair comment stating that Hardy was unlikely to take the title en route to Wrestlemania, especially while still the Intercontinental champion. The reaction was mind-boggling in its vitriol.

papaaiimiya
randy orton sux ! he only win with DQ AND COUNTOUT

It’s called ‘booking’, dear. I’ll get your coat.

mehmetate
batista is the best wrestler aand rey mysterio toooo

Which one, then?

The mark is obnoxious at best, and unbearable at worst. However, at least they’re completely engrossed in the product, which is what the companies want.

The Wannabe Smark

The wannabe smark is someone who thinks they’re a smark, and wants to be an ‘insider’, but is in fact unaware of true information websites such as this and base their statistics on nothing more than guess-work or stating the absolute obvious in an effort to look sincere. These people are often part of an ‘elite’ group of about twenty users, although they don’t have any friends they meet up with and discuss their ‘findings’ with. Here are some examples.

Swordsmasterguy
No, Vickies injury is fake I read it on wikipedia.

No shit, Sherlock. She was Tombstoned by Undertaker. It’s nice to know you had so little faith in Mark Calaway that you felt it was possible that he’d have injured a female worker.

KillARadee
u can clearly see the attack was scripted

Hence the term ‘work’. This was about Triple H’s assault on Regal on Raw this week. I know he’s the boss’s son-in-law, but I doubt even he could get away with ‘besmirching’ a fellow thespian in full view of the audience.

shad0wmasta7
wrestlng is gay and its fake i hate ittttttttttt

Obviously, he hasn’t quite got the whole ‘smart mark’ thing down-pat. The smart mark is supposed to at least pretend to like wrestling in general. This cum-gullet just goes around looking at wrestling videos and, funnily enough, adding them to his favourites while concurrently telling us we’re idiots for enjoying it.

The wannabe smark is lazy, over-entitled and bellendrous. You think actual smarks are irritating? They (we?) are NOTHING compared to these oxygen thieves. Satan’s own mess, every last one of them.

The Nob

The nob is, plainly, a nob. He or she has no redeeming communal features whatsoever, and is probably better off isolated from the municipal for society’s safety. I know I fear those such as the following a lot more than I’d have worried about Bundy or Harold Shipman.

thawwexfanx4evrx
lol KING IS SO HILLARIOUS!!! and jr dosent really care about the match but king LOL!!! and King was like saying: i would hit you with a pillow or something and then he said but thAt wont feel right lol

…I’m scared. In fact, my nerves are so jangled that I cannot even find it within myself to unearth more models of this existence.

What is the purpose of this? Well, to basically say that those of you that say kayfabe is dead are full of shit. There are hundreds upon thousands still out there who, perhaps due to their lack of common sense or just that they’re unaware of these sites, still believe in what they see. You know the average age for those I used in the examples? Nineteen. That in YEARS as well, not months.

Is it a good thing that these people are out there? For the sake of civilisation, hell no. But for the sake of the industry? Definitely.

I said before that it takes a bit to think of anyone as being anything other than infallible, when you yourself are relatively well-versed with the regular happenings. But those people are there, and that’s why it’s important that, while we discuss our opinions and never shy aware from the line of fire, we respect the fact that a deceptive amount of those watching the same products as us are of a completely different mindset from us. It’s arrogant and erroneous to think anything different, and that’s why I get so riled up when every small plot-arc or minor twist is met with apathy or contempt just because it’s somewhat dramatic. The profession can’t survive without the storytelling, and neither do many viewers want to.

This is wrestling – let’s enjoy it for what it is.

And Now, For Something Completely Similar

We’ve spent the brunt of the column looking at delusional types in regards to the wrestling itself. Now, I need to bring to light a similar evolutionary catastrophe that has led to more conspiracy theories being concocted in the latter half of last year than perhaps any other event excluding Dallas, 1963. And the occurrence in question, that initiated this sudden public rise of the psychologically-challenged fact-blind fool (and its opposite, whom I’ve tackled before – the sentimentally-redundant soulless scumbag), was rooted to the very same industry we hold dear.

More than six months on, the Benoit deaths are still top of the agenda with a large amount of fans. I made my views on the issue very clear in my second edition, which can be found here. For those who don’t wish to read it, one of the things I mentioned was that I was keeping an open mind about Chris’s part in the killings (though, in all honesty, I trust that he was accountable for them). However, my uncertainty hinges on the small possibility that money launderers had held him and his family hostage, and then killed them when Chris refused to give in to their demands, thus framing him.

It’s highly unlikely, but it’s worth a hell of a lot more than the unequivocal smattering of shite that’s been clogging many a Youtube channel in the last few months. This is the offending piece, its form never diverges.

T28ern
You mean no one told you? Nancy killed Daniel, which caused Chris to snap and killing his wife. As for suicide, the weight thing, that made me realize he was innocent because someone tried to do it himself but it was impossible which led to being that it was Kevin Sullivan unless they make Kevin Sullivan take a lie detector test. Hope that helps.

The irony of the “hope that helps” line is that this so-called hypothesis couldn’t be any more of a hindrance. I’m all for ‘asking questions’ when something isn’t clear-cut, such as with the 9/11 terrorist attacks or the aforementioned Kennedy assassination. However, there’s a difference between doing your research and coming to an informed conclusion that something is amiss, and making your mind up based on nothing more than equally uninformed hearsay and the conceited craving for self-meaning and ‘freedom’ in disagreeing with the higher-ups when, in reality, you’re completely dependant on the narcissism of a very small, very worthless minority of cunts.

To further drive my point home, as if I don’t credit my readers with the intelligence required to realise why I’ve condemned this piece of shit, I’ll even dissect the ‘points’ he raised. First of all, this rubbish about “Nancy killed Daniel” needs to end now. This was an absurd assumption before anything was known about the manner of deaths or Benoit’s mental state, but it’s even MORE ridiculous now that the pieces have fallen into place. Has anybody who fell for such tripe actually taken the time to consider why Nancy would have killed her own son? I suppose the ‘counter’ to that is “well, why would Chris do it?” Well, we have legitimate answers to that, so the burden of explanation is with you. If you can’t think of a single motive for Nancy to take the life of her child (and, for that matter, why she would sedate Daniel and choke him to death rather than simply smother him with a pillow), then you already need to shut the hell up. Full stop.

Of course, there’s the little matter of Mrs. Benoit being physically incapable of having any part of it. The pathologists who examined the scene came to the very confident conclusion, which remained backed throughout the weeks afterwards, that Nancy died before Daniel. So now, we’re in a fantasy land where Nancy not only killed her son but, in her final dying act, sped up her own decomposition in order to pin the blame on her husband. It’s unlikely, to say the least.

And then, there’s Kevin Sullivan. This piece of the palsy-esque puzzle is stupid for two reasons. Number one is that he has a water-tight alibi, and no reason to commit the act other than an affair and divorce that took place over a decade ago. The idea that he was somehow ‘jealous’ of Chris’s success and World title reigns when it was Sullivan who booked the WCW Championship on Benoit is just preposterous. And secondly, there’s the imbecilic convoluted detail that Kevin’s even included in this premise in the first place. You’re somehow convinced that Chris murdered Nancy, who had already murdered Daniel, and then Kevin Sullivan got involved??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN, YOU UNSOPHISTICATED SON OF A BITCH?!?!?!? You know, I doubt even Vinny Ru could write the Benoit disaster in such a tortuously elaborate way.

So, why is this even here? Because, predictably, a lot of gormless sheep have taken this as their gospel and are satisfied with its legitimacy. I say predictably because, as T28ern himself publicly acknowledged as a means of ‘proof’, the source of this atrocious myth was “a friend of mine who knew someone who saw it on a website somewhere”. That’s enough in this day and age to earn credence. Fuck the police, fuck the forensic team, fuck the poor families who have to contend with the incessant morons telling all they can gather to listen that Nancy and/or Chris is in Hell, and fuck ‘the media’ because the media has apparently lied to us – at least, according to fellow tosspot Att239. We don’t need those clowns, the ones who actually have some bearing on what is precise, telling us what to think. We don’t need them because some fallacious attempted-cumshot from Remedial Class 7F has a BT Home Hub and a Geocities account.

As I type this, both T28ern and Att239 have had their accounts suspended and, as liberal as I am, I can’t help but raise a smile that this has happened. Fascism is a bitch, but you don’t want to be tolerant at the cost of being academically incoherent. Let’s hope, against hope, that this is a dying breed of bastard that our children and grandchildren will not have to contend with.

Titbits

So Awesome Kong won the TNA Knockouts’ Championship on the first Impact! after Final Resolution. The response to this has been, for the most part, negative. I’ve defended the move on here, but I certainly understand the complaints. Perhaps TNA have lost money, and perhaps the win would have meant more in a bigger setting. However, I don’t think much money was really being made on the Womens’ title. I think, at this moment, the only titles that really sell are the World titles. It’s a sad fact, and one that wasn’t the case even a couple of years ago when the X-title and Tag Team Championships were the showcases of TNA. But, if TNA honestly thought the impact (no pun intended) of a title switch would be felt more on television, I can understand why. In truth, they should have had the switch at Final Resolution. Never mind, that’s all in the past now. At least the title switched hands in a very good rematch.

Randy Orton has been praised for standing up against the Kliquers Triple H and Shawn Michaels, and I’m glad he has done. Obviously, it’s all based on his own sense of self, but it was necessary as the argument (if you can call it that) was ludicrous. Tights at a tribute show, for fuck’s sake…

Maria in Playboy? Woohoo! If it happens, that is. Many months of wanking ahead, possibly. Not that I need any more fuel as it is, I know enough fitties here in Brighton.

Ron Killings may be coming to WWE, and if that’s the case, I wonder if they’ll even recognise him as the two-time World champion he is. We’ll have to wait and see, but I’d expect him to be jobbing to Shelton Benjamin before anyone can bat an eyelash.

Wrestlelife

The Matter: My friend’s making wine at the moment, and is likely to be hosting a ‘wine party’ at his university tonight. It’s good to know that, since my column goes in on Thursdays now, I’ll have Fridays free to get munted each week. Especially since I’m finally getting an allowance while I’m looking for work. Not so sure I’ll be having any of his wine, though – I had some before, and it almost poisoned me. I think I’d be safer eating boiled AIDS for breakfast. Mind you, if I take my own booze I’ll probably end up quaffing his 6% bollocks later in the night anyway. Happy days.

The Link: Not really much of one, it’s been a slow week quite frankly. I suppose the link is that there have been numerous angles involving a wrestler abducting a pet and feeding it to its owner. It’s a bit weak, but so is the world. Also, I guess I’ll say “Hey, Sandman and Stone Cold used to drink as part of their gimmicks!” Finally, all wrestlers get paid, as I am. Yep.

Oooh, yeah!

Sorry if this has come across as more of an exhibition of half-arsed hoo-ha and rancorous contradiction, but that’s just how I’ve felt. Remember, you’re encouraged to tell me what I could/should write about in future weeks. Use the comments box, I read it regularly.

See ya!

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