The Seventh Dimension 03.14.08: A Hardy Pill To Swallow

Well, after the utter debacle that was last week’s attempt at looking at WWE’s revenue system (thanks to Mike Grzebieniowski for his far more accurate information), it’s a relief to get back to more of what’s on the screen with our favourite ‘superstars’. Unfortunately, it’s with the single-most disappointing wrestling news I’ve read since the Benoit deaths and their immediate fallout. It seems kind of ironic in a way, as the first man to break the news on 411 (in the forums), that I’m probably one of the last columnists to write about it here.

A Hardy Pill To Swallow

Jeff Hardy has just blown the biggest chance of his career. He has fucked up a guilt-edged opportunity to become WWE’s next big star, and eventually its champion. Not only that, but having profited in ways that most existing main-eventers could only dream of – clean victories over Triple H and Shawn Michaels, kicking out of the Pedigree, getting to attack other faces without turning heel – I can’t help but feel that at least one other, more reliable midcard worker (whoever that may be) has been screwed out of a push that they would have done better with.

The news that Jeff has been given a sixty-day suspension for his second breach of the WWE Wellness Policy would not have been a surprise a few months ago. After all, his ‘extra curricular activities’ have been long publicised, and are understandable considering we’re talking recreational drugs that he probably uses to ease what must be over-whelming physical pain. However, I must admit I was somewhat shocked when I found out. From all accounts, Jeff has taken to his new role like a duck to water, so it was fair to assume that he’d have the professionalism and – more than anything else – the common sense to not put himself in such a vulnerable situation as this. Apparently, I was wrong.

I read an article recently on a different site about Jeff, and how his character has progressed when compared to Cena’s. I believe the phrase that was used in Hardy’s regard was ‘moral authority’, in the same mold as Steve Austin or The Rock. Jeff has become so over with the audience, and it is so inconceivable that he could turn heel, that he can get away with pretty much anything he likes. I can’t help but agree, but at the same time I’m now wondering if that’s how he sees himself backstage as well. He appears to be in this bubble where the rules of substance abuse don’t apply to him, because he’s too nice to be punished for it. The fact he’s in his second spell with the WWE (having acrimoniously split with TNA after missing shows), and is now just one strike from being released once again, might suggest otherwise.

So with all that being said, I can understand the disappointment and cynicism that was shared when the smoke was clearing. After all, I felt it as well. Even now, I can’t believe how naïve and careless Jeff has been, especially in the run-up to Wrestlemania. Many words have been used to describe this man in the last few days, ranging mostly from ‘cunt’ to ‘cunt’. While this is all very nice, I think another word may be more suitable.

‘Troubled’.

I’m not one who believes alcohol and drugs need to be kept away from the world, lest it drown in Mother Earth’s accumulated sea tears. I, as a liberal, understand the need to be able to make your own decisions in life. Besides, recreational drugs affect people to different degrees, so it’s unfair to tar everyone who uses them with the same ‘junkie’ brush. Having said that, it seems clear to me that Jeff Hardy is in dire need of help. It’s one thing when certain people choose to smoke, even though they could easily go for an indefinite amount of time without doing so, because they enjoy the buzz. That’s cool, it only effects your health. But, to breach stringent company policy with Congress breathing down its neck on the issue of drug use, during the absolute peak of your career, is beyond idiotic and borders on insane.

It’s been made painfully clear in the last few months that, in today’s climate, you’re not supposed to be allowed both a highly-paid mainstream wrestling contract AND heroin, so what’s it to be? And keep in mind one thing – this is only seven months since his last drug suspension. If he can’t stay away from the stuff, even to the aid of his in-ring longevity, then perhaps he just needs to quit and stop getting everybody’s hopes up. Including his own. I don’t know whether that’s the case, but that we’re left even contemplating this possibility should indicate that Jeff is not thinking straight. Couple that with the fact that he didn’t even NEED to be suspended (he could have just worked the next two months without pay), but the WWE apparently felt he wouldn’t get the message otherwise, and I truly worry for the Rainbow-Haired Warrior.

So, can Jeff Hardy recover from this? It seems unlikely that he’ll be reaching the same heights he did before he left, especially since he’s now one mistake away from being fired. It’s a damn shame, because he was agonizingly close to becoming WWE Champion this year, and many of us having been crying out for a new face or two to help carry the company for some time. It depends perhaps on how well he is received when he returns – after all, the WWE was willing to give Rob Van Dam another ECW title run after his suspension, before his ego took over somewhat. If Jeff goes to rehab, admits he fucked up and makes an effort to keep his nose clean, then I guess he could eventually get pushed back up the card. Don’t expect him to be holding any World titles before late next year, though.

Now that we’ve established that Jeff is, or at least might be, an idiot who can’t help himself, it’s time to look at some other aspects. First of all, the WWE actually doesn’t come across all that well to me here. I don’t know about you, but I have a real problem with Jeff being vilified for simply wanting to chill after throwing his body through tables and other people for nearly a decade and a half, yet they’re pretty much willing to turn a blind eye to those who are furthering their own careers with rampant steroid abuse. Oh sure, there’s an obligatory thirty-day sabbatical for anyone who’s stupid enough to get caught (followed by a couple of losses to upper-tier talent before the inevitable rise once more), but overall nobody gives a shit. I can only think that Jeff has been made a bit of a scapegoat, because he’s a big enough name that people will applaud WWE for taking such action, yet he’s not so big that the company will lose out too much in the short term. Don’t get me wrong, it’s obviously right that Jeff is made to face his demons, for his sake as much as anything. I just wish the damn company would keep it consistent. Maybe they’re worried Jeff isn’t in control of his addictions, unlike the ‘roiders. I can understand the philosophy, but that doesn’t make it right that they basically bend the rules when it suits them.

Another thing that’s similarly annoying is the hypocrisy I’ve seen from many fans. A lot of those that have criticised Jeff are the same people who defended Mister Kennedy after his web of lies was finally untangled. At least Jeff didn’t make any effort to pretend he wasn’t on the skag. He was just immature enough to believe it didn’t matter. Kennedy actually actively deceived the media, and WWE suffered from it. Tell me, in all honesty, which is worse. Likewise, it’s completely unfair for those of you who support Jeff, who is a proven substance abuser, to simultaneously keep making this ridiculous and unfounded statements (not even opinions, mind – just statements) that John Cena is using performance enhancing drugs. I have no problem with those of you who want to simply stay on side with Jeff because you’re a fan, but don’t attempt to weave any actual logic pertaining to the ethics involved in what he did if you’re contradicting yourself with spiteful accusations aimed at somebody else. It’s lunacy.

In the end, the most important thing is how everyone bounces back. The WWE has lost a star for two months, Jeff has lost a lot of money, and we have lost an entertaining commodity. Now, it’s time to rebuild. The Money in the Bank match profits from this, because it’s no longer a foregone conclusion as to who’s going to win (my guess is Kennedy, which is kind of poetic un-justice but I’ll still be happy for him) and, should they choose to still have eight entrants, one unsuspecting guy will get a chance to shine in the match that he wasn’t expecting. If MVP’s qualification was as a result of Jeff’s downfall, then it’s good for him, and it’s also potentially good for Matt Hardy for reasons I will explain in my Titbits section. Finally, Jeff will hopefully make a concrete decision and stand by it – does he want to numb himself constantly with narcotics, or does he was to be a major player in the biggest game in town?

I’m not giving up on Jeff. I just hope he doesn’t give up on himself.

Titbits

Well, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom this week. At least some of the wrestling’s been pretty good and, funnily enough, Jeff’s match with Jericho was probably the highlight. One thing I must commend Jeff on is his integrity in giving his all to the match, which just added to the shock once the news broke. Obviously, he had his own best interests in mind, as putting in a good performance on his way out may convince the WWE not to give up on him once he returns. John Morrison did the same thing last year, and it’s not as if they really have a choice, but it still shows their heads are more or less in the right place as far as workrate goes. Anyway, his Jeff’s with Jericho was really good, the best I ever remember them having one-on-one, and was filled to the brim with believable near-falls and counters. It wasn’t too long, just under ten minutes, but it was more than enough. Jericho gets the clean win, and with Hardy out I wouldn’t be surprised to see Y2J win the briefcase. My favourite remains Kennedy, however.

Also on Raw, John Cena and Shawn Michaels had a very good match, albeit their weakest one so far. Naturally, they weren’t going to top their fifty minute match in just under a quarter of an hour, but they did almost match the quality of their Wrestlemania meeting. The most noted weakness in that match was Cena’s selling of the knee, but no such problems here. Cena basically just sold for Michaels the whole time, which is what he’s best at frankly, and countered his offence while hitting his own. As usual, Cena was certainly not carried, but he was wise to let Michaels dictate the pace. It ended in a DQ when Orton ran in, which is fine for TV. The good thing about this DQ is that neither man had an advantage over the other before it took place. It sometimes pisses me off when they play out the whole “_____ got screwed out of certain victory” angle, but this time they were both on the outside with no clear victor in sight. Now, we’ll just have to wait and see how this ‘Orton/Cena vs. Raw’ match plays out. I can see a few people getting ‘Ben & Jerried’ in that one.

I also enjoyed TNA Destination X, or at least most of it. No matter how awful some of the booking is, the matches are usually solid and this was no exception. I didn’t even dislike the Elevation X match as much as some. Hell, even Kevin Nash looked like he could still go as long as he’s limited in what he has to do. It wasn’t great, and certainly not up to the standards most expect from them, but it was fine. It certainly could have been worse, looking at some of the matches beforehand. I do wonder why Team 3D aren’t fired as a result of losing the Fish Market Street Fight, though. Wasn’t that the stipulation? That they had to WIN the match and not just participate in it? Never mind.

ECW actually seemed important this week. For a start, there will be two matches dedicated to it and its title at Wrestlemania, which is pretty much unheard of. The first one is a twenty-four man battle royal (presumably because this is Wrestlemania XIV), with superstars from all three brands competing so that they can actually flesh it out somewhat. While it seems rubbish that ECW needs people from Raw and Smackdown in order to fulfil its over-ambitious match structure, in a way it’s cool that all these people want the ECW title. Most of them will be jobbers, but it’s still better than nothing. And, it gets CM Punk away from the title for a while. By the way, CM Punk stating he would use the Money in the Bank title shot he wins on the ECW title, as opposed to either of the World titles, really put it over as well. It’s absolute rubbish, of course, as there’s no way Punk would waste it on that thing. But the idea that he might? Well played, Punk.

The winner of the battle royal will then face Chavo for the title immediately, which has led many to speculate as to who it might be, as it’s very likely to be a babyface. Well, the likeliest candidate for me is Matt Hardy. A recent return on a house show, combined with an unsatisfactory lack of pay-off on his US title feud with MVP, and topped off with brother Jeff’s absence likely to upset many fans, makes him almost odds-on in my opinion to win the title at the Citrus Bowl. That’s why I said earlier that MVP taking Jeff’s place in the Money in the Bank match would be good for Matt. He was, without a doubt, scheduled to go over MVP here, but that’s no longer on the cards. The ultimate form of apology is to have him win the ECW title, which is slightly more important (I do mean slightly, though). Plus, with the Smackdown/ECW talent exchange, and Chavo being about the same size as Matt and with equal talent in other departments, there are literally no obstacles.

A lot of marks on here all started squealing that Matt would win as soon as they heard about the battle royal, and on this occasion I 100% agree with them. You heard it here, folks – Matt Hardy will be the next ECW Champion.

Rubbish Youtube Quote of the Week~!

From Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth Reunite:

jwctkd28
The story of this is actually perfect. He protected her all those years, so she can return the favor at least once.

No comment here. Other than to say that this guy wanted to become a professional pencil-sharpener, but he kept missing the point…

Wrestlelife

The Matter: Another strange wrestling-related dream befell me this week, but this time it wasn’t about a wrestler. Or, in fact, the show. It was about my role here on 411. In it, I was writing for one of the Roundtables, SummerSlam I believe, and there was a Raw Elimination Chamber match to predict. So, I wrote this amazing, awe-inspiring piece that was impossible to refute about the match, and posted it. Then, Larry decided he was so against the Raw Chamber for some reason, that he wouldn’t allow the write-ups for it to be published. Everyone else took it well – Jarrod Westerfeld especially, who was whistling ‘New York, New York’ to himself while somehow concurrently singing it AND accompanying himself with instruments that weren’t there. Yeah.

So anyway, I was so upset that I started crying into my friend’s lovely tits, while some other random guy was also crying out of respect for my feelings and wailing about how “Hornswoggle vs. Hell in a Cell gets ****¼ from David Meltzer, but Raw’s Elimination Chamber draws the short straw AGAIN!” At this point, I’m ready to wake up, because even in Dreamland I can tell this is becoming too much. Instead, Larry Csonka came into the room (?!?!?) and apologised. Rather than simply forgive him, I compared him to Chris Benoit (I think I meant WWE’s handling of Chris Benoit since the deaths, but it’s hard to tell), which caused him to actually transform into Benoit and look a bit sad. Then, I called him “a poo”, flipped him off, and walked out of the 411 office that doesn’t exist. Oh my days…

Then I finally awoke. I don’t know whether it’s my diet, or something more psychological, but these little reveries are starting to piss me off with their obscurity. Still, it’s my own fault for sleeping more than nine hours a day. What a cock.

The Link: Well, I’ve already mentioned how it’s not dissimilar to the constant revisionist history that WWE and other promotions rely on at times. Using the middle finger gesture is not uncommon within wrestling, either. And, one of the most famous stars to do so, Stone Cold Steve Austin, had a submission hold named the Million Dollar Dream when he was the Ringmaster! It’s eerie, is what it is.

Oooh, yeah!

So, that’s it for another week. Let’s hope for a more mundane week coming up.

Actually, that would be too boring. More scandals, please!

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