The SmackDown! Highlight Reel 03.31.06

The SD! Highlight Reel
March 31, 2006 A.D.
Taped from: Kansas City, Missouri
Hosts: Michael Cole, Tazz & Friends

Howdy everybody! It’s been a long time – I broke my finger – had a cast on my hand – couldn’t type – yeah you don’t really care. In any event, it appears there’s this new-fangled ‘WrestleMania’ thing coming up this Sunday, making this the final televised event before prior to the biggest show of the year …. let’s hope it’s a dandy.

We begin the evening’s festivities w/ one Rey Mysterio, Jr. He saunters on down to the ring and calls out Randy Orton for “screw(ing) me out of my match last week.” He then insists that Teddy Long arrive to ringside and create a Mysterio – Orton contest for this evening — demanding are we?

Kurt answers the challenge, however, remarking to Rey that if Randy’s facing anybody tonight it’s gonna be him. My goodness, he ordered Mark Henry to put Kurt thru a table! But regardless of tonight’s outcome(s), Angle claims that he will win at WrestleMania — “nobody beats the wrestling machine … nobody beats me!”

Now Orton joins the club, though he is loath to actually walk on down to the ring, instead preferring the sanctity of the rampway. He claims that both individuals in the ring are suffering from “having [their] panties in a bunch.” There’s no need to argue, Randy can make everybody happy … he proposes to take on both “the paper champion” Kurt AND “the charity case” Rey in a HANDICAP match ! Whooops scratch that — Randy ain’t rasslin’ tonight, seeing as WrestleMania is a scant few days away. Matter of fact, he’s flying out to Chicago — TONIGHT.

But here steps in the personage of Theodore R. Long … commenting to Randy that his handicap match “is a hell of an idea.” Orton accuses Long of playing “favourites” with the wrestlers; Long counters by simply stating “I don’t feel sorry for anybody.” Well that’s mighty convincing counter-evidence.

Rey now gets all ticked at Kurt for loosely implying that perhaps he shouldn’t be in the Main Event at WM XXII …. and now challenges him to a match this evening! Geeez Rey’s got quite a short temper tonight — either that or it’s out and out paranoia. The Legend Killer now proposes a singles contest betwixt Kurt and Rey -.- and Teddy likes the idea so much he’s making that match tonight’s Main Event !!

…. but not before he has Orton forcibly ejected from the premises.

Match #1: Non-Title Singles Contest: Heavyweight Champion of the United States Chris Benoit vs. Road Warrior Animal

Animal complains about never receiving proper respect, blaming the fans for holding onto myths of legacies long past. He’s also miffed at not being featured on the WM card.

Collar and Elbow tie up to start; Warrior forces Benoit back into the NW corner — slap by Warrior and he hurls Benoit half way cross the ring — Benoit returns the favour w/ a plethora of heated chops to the chest. Animal takes a breather to check his nasal passages, and re-enters the ring slugging Benoit with rights — Animal attempts a back suplex .. Benoit flips out! GERMAN ! and another! SHARPSHOOTE …. No! Animal powers out and boots Benoit right in the head — he now whips out a pair of brass knucks!! ….. Benoit hauls him down into the Fujiwara >> Cross-face, though, before he ever has a chance to use them ! Animal taps!!

Backstage John B. Layfield congratulates Benoit on such a stellar victory … perhaps Benoit truly is the greatest technical wrestler of our generation. While impressive, all that really means is that — come Sunday — JBL will have won Championships from two of the greatest technical wrestlers of the generation.

Match #2: Singles Contest: John Bradshaw Layfield w/ Jillian Hall vs. Daniel Cross

Cole comments that poor Cross has a professional record of 0-4; Tazz takes this to mean that the young gentleman is due.

JBL unloads with vicious right hands in the NE corner, followed by … CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL @!! …… and another! 1, 2, 3; Layfield rolls.

Mike Mizanin visits WWE HQ in Stamford, CT … and proceeds to hit on the secretarial staff, even querying as to the ability of porn in the office.

Match #3: Singles Contest: Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Paul Burchill

Cole questions Burchill’s qualities as a pirate, claiming he lacks “polish.” How he arrives at this, I am quite dumbfounded, but ..

ohh Booker grabs a side headlock on Burchill, though Paul escapes via a drop toehold and moves on to arm drag Book across the ring. Now it’s the Pirate who snags the side headlock .. moonsault! .. Burchill covers for a deuce, though Booker is quickly up and chopping away at the poor gentleman’s chest …

…

THE BOGEYMAN!

Sharmell waves Book — who quickly embraces her — outside the ring, where the pair await w/ audacious anxiety the arrival of said Bogeyman. He climbs from underneath the ring! Bogeyman kidnaps Sharmel; Booker looks on in terrifying horror! Book gives chase, but the B Man has taken Sharmel somewhere within the bowels of the arena!

Tony Chimmel announces Paul Burchill as the victor via disqualification.

During the commercial Booker T was eminently unsuccessful in locating his wife.

Match #4: Six Man Tag Team Contest: Bobby Lashley, Matt Hardy & Tatanka vs. Fit Finlay & M.N.M. (Mercury & Nitro w/ Melina)

Is it me, or is Finlay’s shillelagh way too short ? Aren’t they walking sticks; his is tantamount in length to a drum major’s baton

Mercury and Hardy start off; Matt wrings Joey’s wrist a bit, though Joey simply punches him in the noggin to escape .. Matt grabs Mercury by the head, though Joey is quick to tag in Nitro; Matt returns the favour by tagging in Lashley, who quickly clears the ring.

Finlay jumps in now to face Lashley, though Bobby is quickly assaulted by the collective force of M.N.M and in comes Tatanka. He clotheslines Nitro something fierce, then turns on Mercury … body slam back to Nitro and he drops a leg .. cover .. 1 ….. 2 ……… 2.21! Tatanka off the ropes .. Finlay kicks him in the square of the back! Nitro now presses an advantage on the disabled Tatanka, before tagging in said Irishman. Short arm lariat by Finlay nets him two. Tag now to Mercury, who is on the receiving end of quite a few onerous right hands by the ornery Native American … tag though to Nitro, who flies off the top onto Tatanka and works him across the middle rope. Finlay now comes over to assist; cover by Nitro …… 1 …… 2 ……… 2.30 ! Rear naked choke by Nitro, Tatanka fights out, elbow after elbow … back suplex by Tatanka frees himself! TAG TO HARDY! Hardy flies in and takes out both Finlay and Nitro! Clothesline to Mercury! Simultaneous Side Effect and Lariat !! Another Side Effect from Hardy! 1 ……..2 …………… broken up! Finlay ambushes Hardy from behin … no wait, throw suplex by Lashley to Finlay! SPEAR by Lashley!! Hardy sets Mercury up for the Twist of Fate ….. and HITS! 1 ………. 2 ………………… 3 !!!

Mark Henry now strides out to the ring, within which has been placed an onyx-hued wreath of some sort. Henry grasps a black folder, and consequently steps forward toward an obsidian lectern. “Many have tried, but they are not me.” Electrifying.

Henry lectures on the misfortunes of his predecessors who have faced the Undertaker at WrestleMania. Interestingly, while his opening statement attempted to make clear how different he was from these 13 gentleman, his listing reveals quite a few “big men” not unlike himself: Big Show, Giant Gonzalez, Diesel, Sid, Kane, et al.

Match #5: Tag Team Contest: Kid Kash & Jamie Noble vs. The Mexicools

Kash and Noble immediately assail the Mexicools before the match has even started, slamming them head first into the resident Juan Deere. Noble now controls the action inside the ring on Psychosis, tagging in Kash, who swings a couple deadly kicks Psychosis’ way. Kash gets a 2 off that, and tags in Noble; double team lariat by the pair to Psychosis, and Kash follows up by punching Super Crazy off the apron!

Noble hits a suplex for a pair, and locks in a modified camel clutch on Psychosis before releasing the hold and chopping him like mad in the SW corner. Noble charges .. boot up by Psychosis! Noble rockets out of the corner … ohh big forearm to Psychosis; Noble goes up top …. WHIFF!@! TAG TO SUPER CRAZY !! Tag to Kash! Crazy with a pair of huge dropkicks to Kid Kash; springboard dropkick to Noble on the apron! Tilt-a-whirl back breaker to Kash .. in comes Noble though, and he’s dumped by Psychosis! Corkscrew Plancha by Psychosis lands him directly atop Noble — meanwhile, Kash swings at Super Crazy, hoists him up .. and simply hurls him forward onto his face ! Kash goes up top ; SC follows …. SUPER REVERSE LEAPING URANAGE !!#! 1 …….. 2 …………… 3!! The Mexicools take this one! Don’t tell them about no Senate Immigration bills !

Backstage Book finds some worms and figures he’s hot on the trail of the B Man … the previous simply reads quite strangely, though it’s entirely true.

Ohh wait, he finds her screaming behind a locked door ! Some sort of boiler room appears to exist behind the door, as Sharmel has taken up residence atop a cardboard box amidst a swarm of worms. Booker rescues her to safety as the Bogeyman observes w/ a grin as wide as a cheshire cat.

Match #6: Singles Contest: Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. Heavyweight Champion of the World Kurt Angle

Angle measures Mysterio to start, with Rey simply registering the slightest of a blank stare in return. Kurt takes Rey down and begins kneeing his left arm, followed up by a quick Fujiwara armbar to the very same. Kurt picks Rey up via said arm, though Rey quickly arm drags himself out of the predicament and the men begin the staring anew.

Kurt wrestles Rey to the canvas, cinching in a headlock whilst Rey levies his legs high into the air, finding any attempt to extricate himself — that he eventually does, runs the ropes, leap frogs Angle and drop toeholds him into the middle rope … 6 … Angle escapes!

Stare down #3 ensues, as Angle kicks Rey’s knees out from underneath him; IW by Angle and he misses a lariat … tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Mysterio! Rey now headscissors Angle completely outside the ring! Rey gives chase down on the floor —- and Kurt slings him back-first into the barricade!

Back inside, Angle works Mysterio over, stepping onto his sternum w/ impunity, then bodyslamming his sore spine onto the canvas. Rey appears limp at the moment as Kurt covers for two, before leaning down onto the mat, cinching a seated bearhug of searing pain into Mysterio’s lower back. Rey regains his footing and elbows his way out, runs the ropes … ohhh Angle KNEES Rey flat on the stomach! Angle now locks in a bodyscissors, cutting off the work of Mysterio’s diaphragm — Kurt relents in order to yank Mysterio’s neck backwards, then picks Rey up and slings him toward the NW corner .. Kurt charges .. boot by Rey! Rey charges ….. oohhh BELLY TO BELLY suplex by Angle! Another suplex! 1 …….2 ………. 2.53! 1 …….. 2 ……… 2.42! Kurt keeps Mysterio grounded here, continuing the pressure on his back via a rear chinlock + knee to the spine. Rey shows signs of working out of the predicament, though Kurt is unrelenting in his pressure upon Mysterio. Rey eventually makes it to his feet once more, though Angle is quick to elbow down onto Mysterio’s vertebrae … Mysterio runs away from the infestation of Angle blows, however, and nails a Rube Goldberg bulldog onto Kurt!

Both men arise, with Mysterio kicking at Angle’s lower left leg; springboard moonsault by Rey … 1 …….2 ………. 2.48! no! Rey can’t believe it, so he rolls out to the apron whilst Kurt is still a bit woozy … Springboard butt drop!#! Rey jack-knifes a pin !! 1 ………… 2 …………….. 2.87 ! ! ! #! RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX by Angle !! Rey is now GONE … and the STRAPS ARE GOING DOWN! Angle measures Rey, just waiting for him to arise … ANGLE SLA … no, Rey rolls thru … no ANKLE LOC .. no!! drop toehold by Rey, Angle’s on the middle rope … 6 . 1 … NO!! Kurt grabs Rey’s legs mid-619 !! Kurt yanks Rey to the centre of the ring, applies the Ankle Lock and grapevines the LEG …. Rey taps! Rey TAPS !!

But wait, Randy Orton is here! Kurt vacates up the rampway, and Randy lands the RKO onto Mysterio! Randy commandeers a microphone and talks smack to Kurt, urging him back toward the ring and Kurt obliges! Right hands by each men, Euro Cuts by each man … RK …. No, Kurt counters! ANGLE SLAM by Kurt !! ANKLE LOCK to Orton !#!! Randy looks like he’s swimming against an undertow of doom in any attempt to reach the ropes, but Kurt grapevines his leg into perpetual agony !

Well folks it was good to be back to my normal gig, sans broken finger. On another note, I figure that as a duke student I may as well comment on the lax team controversy — now I have definite opinions, but out of deference to the complexity of the issue, the amorphous factual ‘evidence’ currently culled, and peoples’ personal feelings at large, I shan’t get into them here.

What I will relay, though, are a couple things you may not have learned via the intense national scrutiny and coverage this issue has received:

– Before this story broke, I had always figured that yellow journalism was monopolized by William Randolph Hearst, the tabloids, Al-Jazeera, and Pat O’Brien. Was I ever wrong. Some of the claims made by the media (including ESPN and other national networks) regarding the current climate of the campus have been — at best — spuriously figmentatious and — at worst — deliberately misleading. The “mass demonstrations” and “heightened tensions” have been the bastion of such a small % of the University’s populace that it is fairly exaggerating to afford them anything but the scantest of coverage. Quite obviously, the opposite has been the case, and it is both sad and disappointing to see the University portrayed as an entity torn asunder with crisis when most kids simply walk about the quad, silently cursing the myriad news vehicles for altering their paths of walk.

– Also, something interesting you may have not seen reported yet: Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong — the man who’s pressing forward w/ this investigation Mark Hurlbert-style — is both a graduate of UNC Law and is up for re-election within the month. Interesting how an impending election tailors individuals’ response to certain external stimuli, isn’t it?

That is all, everyone have a safe and pleasant weekend >> week.