The SmarK Rant For WWE Judgment Day 2004

The SmarK Rant for WWE Judgment Day 2004

– This is a truly historic show, not for anything on the shitty card, but because tonight marks the debut of a new ratings system for bad wrestling to replace the antiquated Hot Poker Up The Ass Rating System. Yes, tonight marks the beginning of the Shane McMahon Unconditional Refund Formula, or SMURF system.

In honor of Shane personally bribing Zen’s friend Dave Burton to shut up with a $100 bill at the RAW in Calgary this past month, I will assign a dollar value for each match, with that amount being the amount Shane would likely turn around and bribe obnoxious redneck fans with. The higher the dollar value, the more irritating and/or boring the segment is, so less is better in this case. If the experiment fails, blame the government.

– Live from Los Angeles, CA.

– Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz.

– Opening match: RVD & Rey Mysterio v. The Dudley Boyz. Rob & Rey have somewhat-matching outfits tonight, always a good sign for a babyface team. D-Von sneaks in for the attack to start and pounds RVD in the corner, but Rob gets all flippy-floppy and gets a dropkick. Monkey-flip out of the corner and he cleans house, sending the Dudz to the floor. He follows with a somersault tope, and Mysterio gets his own tope, but they back off and let the Dudleyz regroup. Back in, D-Von slugs it out with RVD, but eats a spinkick. Bubba gets a cheapshot, but heel miscommunication keeps Rob on offense. Another cheapshot from Bubba puts Rob on the floor, and he’s YOUR stoner in peril, albeit only briefly. Rob’s selling like he ordered some extra biscuits from KFC before the match. Rob fights them off and gets the quasi-hot tag to Rey-Rey, but Bubba pounds him down after the springboard buttdrop. Rey comes back with a headscissors and sets up Bubba for the 619, only to get foiled by D-Von. A rana attempt is countered with a stungun by Bubba. D-Von drops the leg on Rey for two. We hit the chinlock, but Rey fights up, only to walk into the spinning elbow for two. Bubba slaps him down and gets a suplex and some more humiliation follows. D-Von switches in and chokes away. He pounds away, but Rey comes back with the Rube Goldberg bulldog, and it’s hot tag RVD, but SHOCKINGLY the ref doesn’t see it. It’s a shenanigan! Bubba keeps beating on Rey and gets a spinebuster for two, and RVD’s music suddenly comes over the PA for no adequately explored reason. Bubba puts Rey in the Tree of Woe and works him over, but Rey fights out and makes the hot tag to RVD. Kicks abound and it’s Rolling Thunder on Bubba for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Rey ends up on the floor, leaving Rob in position for the Whazzup, but Rey breaks it up, which leads to an awkward sell from Bubba that sets up a Broncobuster. Rob springboards Rey into a top rope rana on D-Von that gets two. Dudleyz get right of RVD, but Rob and Rey come back on them to give Rey a double 619, and the frog splash finishes D-Von at 15:19. Pretty lethargic stuff with a hot finish, but not enough for Dave the Redneck to be complaining about, since there was lots of high-flying stuff. ***

– Dawn Marie v. Torrie Wilson. Kurt Angle is wheeled out in a pointless bit where he rises from a covered box, and then gives a boring interview about his leg problems and how it’s all Torrie’s fault, blah blah blah. The gist is that Torrie retires if she loses (as though she was a wrestler to begin with) and we get to watch Torrie “acting” again. Shane refunds Dave $5 for Torrie’s acting and too much talking on a PPV. Cole’s explanation of the backstory here: Dawn Marie is jealous of Torrie’s fame. Here’s an easier one: Dawn is her STEPMOTHER and she fucked Torrie’s dad and killed him. Unless we’re no longer acknowledging that. They get into an intense shoving match to start, or at least as intense as someone wearing pink latex can look. Necksnap into a dropkick gets two for Torrie. Dawn comes back with whatever, and Torrie reverses into something laughably resembling a sunset flip for two. Clotheslines from Torrie and she goes up, and totally misses a high cross. Watch the implants, Torrie. Dawn stomps away and chokes her out on the ropes, which gives us more of Torrie’s thespian skills. They “brawl” outside, and Dawn keeps her out of the ring. Back in, she gets two. We hit the chinlock. Cuz that’s what this match needs, more time. Torrie fights back with a neckbreaker for two. They manage to get mistimed on a sunset flip out of the corner, but Torrie gets two. Torrie rolls her up for two and yanks her pants down, although she’s wearing a g-string and pantyhose underneath anyway. Torrie gets a backslide for the pin at 6:17 to end the pain. DUD Shane forks out another $10.

– Scotty 2 Hotty v. Mordecai. Mordecai has a nice entrance, but then so did Gangrel and he’d probably be just as effective in the same role. The other problem becomes apparent once he takes off his robe – he’s nowhere near as big as Undertaker, and just doesn’t look physically impressive. Mordecai slams him down to start and works him over in the corner. Cole is in awe of the slow pace. Yeah, THAT will get him over, pointing out how slow he works. Much more choking follows. Knee to the head from the apron and Cole wonders when the last time Scotty was manhandled like this. Um, EVERY MATCH? He comes back with a superkick to set up the Worm, but Mordecai counters before he can hit it, and finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 3:01. Mordecai is more accurately Boredecai and unless he gains 40 pounds of muscle or grows 3 inches, Undertaker won’t even sell for him and he’s gonna be dead in the water anyway. DUD They tried with the vignettes, but they need to cut their losses now. Shane refunds another $5 because the big debut after weeks of hype sucked ass, and there was no Worm.

– Smackdown tag titles: Rico & Charlie Haas v. The Newer Midnight Express. Apparently the challengers are now the heels after playing babyface on Smackdown last week. Not that this “feud” is overflowing with long-term continuity anyway, having only been created a few days ago. Rico annoys the challengers to start, and Haas starts the match proper with Holly. Haas takes him down with a fireman’s carry and gets two. Haas rides him down for one. Holly overpowers him, but Haas grabs an armbar. Rico comes in and acts all gay and stuff, which draws in Billy. You’d think SOMEONE would mention Chuck & Billy at some point in this match, but no. Rico molests Billy with some bad touching, and Holly doesn’t even want a tag. Rico takes Billy down for some bull-riding, and gets the kick combo in the corner. Billy takes a powder, probably smartly. Haas comes back in and gets slugged down by Billy, and distracts the ref long enough for Holly to get his own cheapshot. They go to work on Haas in the corner and Holly gets two. Gunn pounds away in the corner while Cole and Tazz talk about what a “rare appearance” it is for Undertaker tonight and how honored we should be to see him. Was I just dreaming him appearing on basically every show for the past 13 years or so, or something? Holly gets the DROPKICK OF DOOM for two. Gunn comes in and blocks a blind charge with a boot out of the corner, and Holly gets his stupid kick on the ropes. That gets two. Note to Bob: You’ve been doing it for 5 years now, it’s not over, give it up. Holly goes up and does that stupid move where the heel jumps off the top and lands on the face’s foot, which is stupid because had the face not lifted his foot the heel wouldn’t have had any viable move to DO. The move exists in a bizarre vacuum whereby its only use is as a comeback spot. Hot tag Rico and he gets an atomic drop on Billy, but he comes back with a Dumbasser. Haas makes a blind tag and hits Gunn with a german suplex, but Gunn tags out to Holly. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam, but Rico superkicks him into a Haas rollup for the pin at 10:25. Dead match, and Holly & Gunn bring nothing to table at this point. *1/2 Shane is forced to fork out $10 to Dave the Redneck, because the match was boring and gay people are queer.

– Cruiserweight title: Jacqueline v. Chavo Guerrero. I love how they put Chavo over 1950 guys at Wrestlemania to make the title change mean something when it happened, and then they put it on Jacqueline. More WWE logic: You have a match doomed to be shitty, and then you make the guy carrying the match wrestle with one arm behind his back. She gets no reaction. Cole notes that he loved doing the interview with her last week, because she was so pumped up to be champion. Is that what she was saying? You can never tell with her. Chavo’s tie is clearly loose from the start and he has to hang on himself. He works her over in the corner and stomps away. Cole notes that losing to Jacqueline was “perhaps” the low point of his career. PERHAPS? What else is even in consideration, aside from when he was selling Amway in WCW? Jackie reverses a whip into the corner and pounds on him, then gets a sleeper. Chavo fights out, but she kicks him down. Chavo is a better man than I for even bothering to sell those. Chavo Classic distracts her, and Chavo Jr gets a clothesline as a result. However, she goes low and gets a sunset flip for two. Chavo Classic unties the hand, which has Cole in a fury. So it’s okay for her to kick him in the nuts, but he can’t use both hands? Chavo clotheslines her and stomps away, and then uses a stungun and a Gory Bomb to THANKFULLY finish this pathetic experiment at 4:48. DUD Shane refunds Dave the Redneck $20 for making us watch Chavo wrestle a woman in a shitty match. If they’re THAT desperate for shitty cruiserweights, they should sign X-Pac or something. Plus he can go after the Women’s title on RAW.

– US title match: John Cena v. Rene Dupree. Cena chases him out of the ring and chases him into a Thesz Press, BY GAWD, but walks into a boot in the corner. They slug it out, won by Cena, and he backdrops him and they screw up a clothesline spot. Shane refunds $2 for Dupree’s giant French wang. Dupree pounds on Cena outside and they head back in, where Dupree engages in some choking. He slugs away in the corner, but Cena whips him into the other corner, then whiffs on a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Dupree pounds away on him and brings him back in for a backbreaker that gets two. We hit the bearhug and Dupree works him over in the corner, and back to the bearhug again. Dupree needs a better mid-match offense. Just keep doing backbreakers and stuff rather than a stationary resthold. They slug it out and Cena gets a clothesline and shoulderblock, into the sideslam, as it’s the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. Five Knuckle Shuffle misses, however, and Dupree gets a spinebuster to set up the OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH DANCE. An actual quote from my friend: “I just want to see Dupree do the French dance”. That’s how you know it’s over. That misses, too, and Cena comes back off the middle rope, but lands in a DDT. Dupree sets up for whatever, but Cena comes back with the F-U attempt, which Dupree reverses into a neckbreaker for two. Cena blocks a sunset flip for two. Backslide gets two. Dupree tries an alley-oop out of the corner, but lands in the F-U and it’s over at 9:55. Better than expected with a good hot finish, although the main body of the match wasn’t anything interesting. **1/4 No refund needed, they tried hard.

– Undertaker v. Booker T. Undertaker hasn’t appeared particularly thrilled to be doing this gimmick again, judging by his generally half-assed approach to it as of late. Booker powers him into the corner to start, but gets slugged down as a result. Back in, Booker knees him in the gut and clubs away, but gets clotheslined and slugged down. According to Cole, Undertaker’s no-selling is now “an innate ability to block pain”. Booker comes back with a back kick, but walks into a sideslam. Taker drops a leg for two, and clotheslines him to the floor. Booker comes back in with a missile dropkick for two and uses the CLUBBING VOODOO FOREARMS, but Taker slugs back. It’s a thrill-a-minute joyride. Booker misses the sidekick and Taker gets the flying clothesline, setting up the ROPEWALK OF DOOM. Flatliner into a half-nelson choke, but Booker makes the ropes. I didn’t know zombies knew wrestlers’ chokes. Last Ride is escaped by Booker, and the ref gets bumped, allowing Booker to toss the grave dirt into Taker’s eyes. However, apparently Taker is stronger than dirt, much like Run DMC, and he no-sells and gets a corner clothesline. Another one misses and Taker crotches himself in the corner, allowing Booker to go to work on the leg. He whips Taker into the stairs, and gets two back in. We hit the chinlock as the match slows to molasses, and Booker cuts off UT’s comeback with the axe kick. It gets two. Taker comes back with the chokeslam, and the tombstone finishes at 11:25. The match had no flow, no story (Booker works over Taker’s leg for a bit, Taker completely ignores it and hits his finisher out of nowhere), no point, and after all those weeks of Booker consulting with the undead to help him, he just loses clean to a tombstone and walks away. Right. Dave demands (and receives) $50 from Shane for this boring snoozefest. *

– Smackdown World title: Eddie Guerrero v. John Bradshaw Layfield. I’ll just go with the accepted JBL for short, since it’s easier than Bradshaw. Slugfest to start, which Eddie wins, and they fight outside. Back in, JBL bails again, and gets rammed into the post as a result, and Eddie keeps hammering him. Back in, Eddie slugs him down, and JBL again bails. Eddie sends him back in again as they struggle to find the body of the match, and Eddie slugs him down again and gives him the old boot rakes. Back to the floor AGAIN, but this time Eddie hits the stairs and Bradshaw pounds on him. Back in, Eddie keeps slugging, but walks into a big boot as it’s apparently time for the heel heat segment and we finally get something going. Elbowdrop gets two for JBL. He whips Eddie into the corner and goes to a headlock, already breathing heavily. He knocks Eddie down and goes back to the headlock. Criss-cross and Eddie starts with armdrags, and Bradshaw bails again, so Eddie follows with a pescado, which is blocked and countered into a blockbuster slam on the floor. More brawling outside to negate any point of working the headlock in the ring, and Eddie gets backdropped onto the Spanish table. Back in, JBL with a neckbreaker for two. He looks really tired at the 10:00 mark. Eddie fights back and takes a silly bump off a backdrop, which gives Bradshaw two. Eddie is doing everything possible to wrestle for two people here. Speaking of which, it’s bearhug time, as Bradshaw has nothing in the way of effective heel offense, so Eddie makes another comeback to keep things going. Dropkick into the rolling verticals, but it’s broken up with a knee. JBL goes for a powerbomb, but Eddie escapes, and bumps the ref off a weak collision. Bradshaw takes his first bump of the match, going over the top to the floor, and takes a much-needed breather before they start brawling again. Eddie tosses him into the announce table, but he grabs a chair and waffles Eddie with it, drawing the now-legendary stream of blood at 14:35. He bleeds out in a HURRY, as his chest is covered in blood within seconds. Cole says he’s “bleeding like a sieve”. I didn’t know kitchen utensils bled. JR must be writing his metaphors. Bradshaw rams the stairs into his head and sends him back in, as Eddie bleeds all over the ring. JBL gets the Clothesline from New York, but the ref is still out. Another ref comes in and Bradshaw gets two. Another try at the clothesline, but the second ref gets it, and Bradshaw gives Eddie a stiff powerbomb for two. Eddie’s timing is great. JBL goes to a sleeper, but Eddie suplexes out of it and shakes his groove thang to get his Latino Heat going. He slugs Bradshaw down, but walks into a blockbuster slam, which he reverses to a DDT in mid-move. He stupidly tries the frog splash, but takes forever and misses as a result. JBL grabs the title and takes a swing, but Eddie goes low and hammers him with it to draw a DQ at 23:13. Second time through, it loses most of the drama, and is just reduced to a Ѕ* match with a good bloodbath tacked on and horrible ending, so I can’t go any higher than **1/2. I would have liked to see them do the blood stoppage ending here, because it’s actually justified and wouldn’t have changed the title. Eddie gets the comeback afterwards to send the crowd home happy. Dave is happy because of the sick amount of blood, so no refund.

The Bottom Line:

In our first experiment with the SMURFs, Dave collects a cool $100, just like at the RAW after Backlash, which sounds about right to me. I really hated this show second time through, seeing the total lack of energy and effort from everyone outside of the young kids and Eddie Guerrero, and they should be ashamed that a free TV show completely blew them out of the water the very next night.

Thumbs down.