The SmarK Rant For WWE No Way Out 2004

The SmarK Rant for No Way Out 2004

– Live from San Francisco, CA.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– I’m going to ignore the pointless opening with Sable & Torrie.

– Smackdown tag titles: Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi v. The Basham Brothers & Shaniqua. Scotty starts with Danny and grabs a headlock, but gets tossed and pulls himself back in. A bad headscissors brings Danny into the face corner, where Rikishi comes in and slugs away. Doug comes in and gets the same, but evades a buttdrop. Hiptoss from Rikishi and a clothesline for both Bashams, and Rikishi pulls Shaniqua in before the Bashams save her. Doug tries a headbutt, and obviously he hasn’t studied the book on Samoans. Scotty comes in and they collide, but Scotty recovers and tries a Worm. Shaniqua breaks it up with a clothesline, however. Shucky darns. The Bashams get a double slingshot suplex for two. Shaniqua comes in with a slam, which I guess is supposed to be devastating. It’s a CHICK. Danny comes in for two. They cut off the ring but Scotty escapes a sleeper with a jawbreaker. Shaniqua tries a powerbomb, but Scotty escapes and makes the hot tag to Rikishi. DDT for Danny and he tries to bring Shaniqua to the corner, but the Bashams slam him off the middle rope and Shaniqua gets two. Scotty gets rid of the Bashams and Rikishi finishes Shaniqua with a samoan drop and Banzai drop at 8:16. So long, Linda. Basic tag team formula opener. *1/2

– Jamie Noble v. Nidia. Yes, three months of build for THIS. Noble is “blindfolded”. Maybe they should hand them out to the fans, which would probably make it a better match for them. Noble tries taking the hood off early, which would not only get him DQ’d, but would prevent him from being able to wrestle in Mexico ever again. Nidia runs out of the ring, but comes back in with a dropkick. Then we get the kind of deep psychology lacking in the sport today, as Nidia jumps around to make noise and then kicks him in the butt when he charges. Thankfully Cole explains this for any total idiots watching. Then we get the tense spot where Noble almost gropes her, but gets his jeans pulled down, which sets up a bulldog for two. You just don’t see someone getting pantsed as a transition move these days. Noble bails and heads back in while Nidia taunts him, and it’s another kick in the butt. Cole thinks this is the funniest thing ever. Nidia tries beating him down, but Noble takes her down. He rips out some extensions, but Nidia goes up, allowing Noble to peek under the hood and slam her off the top and choke her out at 4:25. Well thank god they put this on PPV. DUD

– Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin v. The APA. I sense that soon one of these TEAMs will be involved in a big ANGLE that gives them their former name back. And the tag titles. Bradshaw has a bandaged arm, so I guess he slipped in the shower. Faarooq starts with Benjamin and gets taken down for two. Faarooq knees him down and gets an elbow for two. The APA double-team him with a shoulderblock and Bradshaw gets a neckbreaker for two. Haas comes in, so Bradshaw hits him with a back elbow (using the “bad” arm) and Faarooq elbows him in the back for two. He misses a charge and hurts the arm, so TWGTT goes to work on it. Haas hammerlocks it and Benjamin stomps it, into another hammerlock. Tazz calls it a “hammer-like hammerlock”, which seems to be a bit redundant. More double-teams on the arm and Benjamin gets two. Benjamin takes him down with an armbar takedown for two. More double-teaming and Haas armbars him. Faarooq comes back with a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER and makes the hot tag to Bradshaw. He dumps Haas and powerbombs Benjamin for two. It’s BONZO GONZO as Haas sends Faarooq into the post and Benjamin goes up, but Bradshaw slams him off. Clothesline from Heck for Haas, but Benjamin superkicks him for the pin at 7:19. What’s the point of doing a worked arm injury if you’re not even gonna sell it? The five seconds or so that comprised the finish were pretty decent, the rest not so much. *1/4

– Goldberg takes his seat at ringside (and they even have a video package to hype up THAT) but Heyman and Lesnar joins us and goad him into running into the ring and jackhammering Brock. And yes, Goldberg is “arrested”.

– Rhyno v. Hardcore Holly. This was added a few minutes before the PPV. Lucky us. Holly grabs a rugged, smashmouth headlock to start, but Rhyno fights out, so Holly goes back to the headlock in rugged, smashmouth fashion. That gets a rugged, smashmouth two. Holly gets some rugged, smashmouth chops and dumps Rhyno, possibly smashing his mouth on the way down in rugged manner. Rhyno drags Holly out and works on the back, and back in he gets a rugged, smashmouth shoulderblock in the corner. Rhyno knees him down for two. He goes to the rugged, smashmouth bodyscissors and gives him a rugged, smashmouth suplex on the ropes for two. Rhyno pounds away, but Holly comes back in a rugged kind of way with a backdrop suplex. Rhyno, however, smashes his mouth with a kick for two. He whips Holly into the corner ruggedly and adds some smashmouth stomps, but Holly comes out of the corner with a smashmouth clothesline and both guys are out. Ruggedly out. They smash each other in the mouth as slug it out, but Holly comes back with a rugged dropkick for two. He goes up and gets caught by Rhyno, who gets a rugged and smashmouth superplex for two. Holly gets an inverted smashmouth DDT for two. Rhyno gets the SMASHMOUTH MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER OF RUGGED DOOM to set up the GOAR GOAR GOAR, and Holly bails. Ruggedly. Back in, Alabama Slam gets the rugged, smashmouth pin at 9:54, for a rugged and smashmouth *3/4 rating due to the very slow pace and dull offense. I really would have been fine had they not blown off the feud on PPV.

– Cruiserweight title: Rey Mysterio v. Chavo Guerrero. Rey starts with a wristlock on Chavo, but Chavo gets a headlock. Snapmare into some mask-ripping, but Rey dumps him. Back in, Rey slugs away and takes him down with a headscissors, into a rollup for two. Chavo faceplants him to come back, however, and dropkicks him for two. Slam gets two. Chavo goes to a wristlock and Rey reverses to a sunset flip, then takes Chavo down for the 619. Chavo Sr. breaks up the West Coast Pop, but Paez knocks him out and gets tossed by the ref as a result. Chavo goes to deal with his dad, allowing Rey to hit him with a dive and Drop the Dime back in for two. Rey dodges a charge and rolls him up for two. Chavo goes up and Rey tries to do something to bring him in, but Chavo gets an exploding gutbuster off the top. That was pretty contrived. Chavo goes to work on the ribs, and gets an abdominal stretch. Rey counters out for two. Chavo goes to a weird half-crab next, and gets two. They do a knucklelock-bridge spot and Rey goes into a sunset flip for two, but walks into a tilt-a-whirl gutbuster for two. Chavo gets another abdominal stretch on the mat, but Rey escapes with the Rube Goldberg Bulldog for two. Chavo knees him down for two. Rey comes back with a leg lariat and sends Chavo into the post with a headscissors, and they exchange kicks to the leg until Rey gets the Stroke for two. Rey boots Chavo down and DDTs Chavo on the apron for two. He whiffs on a cross-body and Chavo gets a front suplex for two. They go up and Rey fights him off and a moonsault press gets two. Somebody’s timing was off on that one. They slug it out and Chavo gets the Gory Special Bomb for two. Rey snaps off a rana into another 619 out of nowhere, but Chavo rolls through the buttdrop into another half-crab. Rey makes the ropes. Rey goes up, but Chavo Sr. reappears and shoves him off, and Chavo gets the rollup and pin at 17:21 to win the title. Good match, hated the finish. They never really seemed to get into a groove, though, as there were a lot of awkward pauses between sequences. ***1/4

– #1 Contender match: Kurt Angle v. John Cena v. Big Show. Show tosses Angle around while Cena stands around and mocks them. So Cena tries with Show and gets nowhere, as Angle mocks them. Then Angle and Cena go, and Angle gets the overhead suplex for two. Show pounds on Angle and tosses Cena, then goes back to work on Angle. Sideslam gets two. Cena comes back in, and Show slams him and gets a headbutt. Legdrop, but Angle grabs him from outside and tries to suplex him off the apron. Yeah, right. He opts for a low blow instead and then brings Cena outside for a brawl. Back in, Angle gets two on Cena. Cena comes back with a back elbow and Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Angle fires off the rolling germans for two. Show tosses him to break that up, and then hiptosses Cena and steps on the bad knee. About time – the guy’s wearing a giant brace, for pete’s sake. Suplex gets two. Cena dodges a charge and dropkicks the knee to come back. Reebok Elbow sets up Angle’s missile dropkick for two. Cena tosses Angle again and FU’s Show, but Angle breaks up the pin, so Cena DDTs him. Cena gets two on Show. Angle dumps Cena and goes after Show with an Angle Slam, which gets two. Cena goes for the FU on Angle, but he reverses to the anklelock, so Show breaks it up with a chokeslam on Angle. Cena rolls up Show for two. Show chokeslams him for two. Angle breaks that up with an anklelock, but Show shoves him off. Cena hits Angle with a spinebuster and Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Show clips him to break up the FU. Show slams him into the corner to hurt the knee, but Angle dumps Show and finishes Cena with the anklelock at 12:17. Last few minutes were pretty fun, but it was just a bunch of finishers strung together. **3/4

– Smackdown World title: Brock Lesnar v. Eddie Guerrero. Brock overpowers him to start and hammers on him in the corner, into a monster backdrop. Snap suplex, but Eddie slugs back and elbows him out of the corner. Brock knees him down and blocks a rana with a spinning powerbomb. That was pretty dangerous. Overhead suplexes and Brock gets a high knee in the corner and another overhead suplex that puts Eddie on the floor. Eddie trips him up and posts the leg, however. Brock powers him back into the post, however, and gets the fisherman’s suplex to retake control. He grabs a sleeper, but Eddie escapes, only to get pressed. He escapes that too and clips Brock, but Brock gets the lariat. He follows with a slightly botched german suplex. Brock pounds away in the corner, but misses a charge and rams his knee into the corner. Nice callback to the high knee earlier. Eddie works on the knee and gets a backdrop suplex. Brock chokes him out, however, but Eddie sneaks in with a heel hook, which he turns into an STF to a big pop. Nice spot. Brock powers out, so Eddie rams the knee into the mat and goes back to work on it while Brock tries to fight him off. Eddie goes for what looks like a Nagatalock, but Brock fights him off again. And again. Eddie keeps coming, and it costs him, as he walks into a belly-to-belly. He tries a suplex, but Eddie counters with a headscissors and dropkicks the knee again. This time it’s a figure-four, and that crowd is all about that. Brock makes the ropes, however. Eddie goes right back to the knee and goes into a half-crab now, and another STF. Brock powers out again. There’s some really swank psychology going on here. Brock comes back with another german suplex, as the power v. technical battle continues, and Eddie walks into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. That gets two for Lesnar. Brock goes to the chickenwing on the mat, into a sleeper, but Eddie powers him into the corner to break, but misses the missile dropkick. Brock sells the leg as he gets a vertical suplex, bless his heart. He’s even got a bloody nose going. That’s my boy. Bodylock on the mat, which he turns into a gut-wrench suplex for two. Nice mat-wrestling as Brock rides him on the mat with bridges, into the bodylock again. Eddie fights up and headbutts out, then smartly dropkicks the knee again and takes Brock down with a headscissors. Brock misses a charge and Eddie comes back with the rolling verticals and goes up, but misses the frog splash. F5, but the ref gets bumped in the process. Brock grabs the title, but Goldberg runs in with a spear (apparently having broken the handcuffs) and Eddie gets two. And since the belt is still there and it’s Eddie, he tries to hit Brock, but it misses and Brock goes for the F5. Eddie counters to a DDT in mid-move, however, hitting the belt on the way down, and the frog splash does the impossible and wins him the World title at 30:06. Two PPVs, two Match of the Year candidates. Not bad. ****1/2 Thank god they finally put someone new over.

The Bottom Line:

Look at it this way – we didn’t know what the undercard would be until Thursday, so really it doesn’t factor in, and the main event more than delivered, and the other two main matches were pretty good, so on that basis it’s a thumbs up show. Plus Eddie winning the title was one of those special moments that can probably justify going out of your way to see.