The SmarK RAW Rant – June 7 2004

The SmarK RAW Rant – June 7 2004

– Live from Albany, NY.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– I’m tinkering with my viewing methods while flipping back and forth to the seventh game of the Stanley Cup finals tonight, so if it affects the quality of the rant, tough shit. On another track, I’m trying Sasktel now for my cable service, and they don’t offer PPV, so I have no idea what I’m going to do for Bad Blood. Probably just use the power of BitTorrent or get the webcast or something, I dunno. If you’re in Saskatoon and you’re in the vicinity of 8th street and you’re doing a PPV get-together, let me know.

– Opening match: Lita v. Gail Kim. Lita attacks to start and whips Gail into the corner for some lame punches, but gets sent into the ropes by Gail and pounded. Gail goes after the knee, giving Lita a chance to showcase her awesome acting skills, and gets two. That leads to a longish leglock, and then a trip to the ringpost for more punishment. Lita hangs out on the floor for a while and Lita keeps on the leg back in, but Lita comes back with an enzuigiri for two. Small package gets two. Monkey flip and snap suplex set up a horrible hotshot into the corner, but Gail takes her down with an Indian deathlock, which was HHH’s submission-du-jour for a while in 2002. Lita comes back with the DDT for the pin at 5:03. The point of that eludes me, especially losing to a transition move. Lita was her usual crappy self here, Gail is getting better. *

– Meanwhile, Coach has a word with Uncle Eric, and gets booked against Eugene at the PPV. Johnny Nitro doesn’t know when to shut up, however, and also gets booked against Eugene, tonight, with his job on the line. Man, it’s tough being a toady these days.

– Batista v. Shelton Benjamin. Shelton slugs away to start, but gets tossed into the corner and hit with a knee. Batista gives him a pounding and follows with a corner clothesline, but runs into a boot and Shelton fires back. High cross gets two. He walks into a powerslam, however, and Batista gets two. Vertical suplex and does some choking while arguing with the ref (always a classic), but Benjamin jumps on his back with a sleeper. Batista casually counters with a sideslam, so Benjamin fires away and dropkicks the knee. Shining Wizard Lite sets up the Blinger Splash, times two, but Shelton goes after Flair and walks into a spinebuster. This brings Randy Orton to ringside for his input, as Benjamin blocks the demon bomb and goes up. Flying clothesline gets nothing, as Orton distracts the ref, but Benjamin goes after him again and gets clotheslined by Batista as a result. Demon bomb finishes for real at 5:01. This is like Bizarro Booking World tonight or something. Fun match, but really short. *1/2 The inevitable Evolution beatdown follows.

– Meanwhile, Edge & Benoit complain about Bischoff, and hurl subtle insults at each other, but Coach interrupts and announces that it’s Benoit v. La Rez in a handicap match.

– Meanwhile, Trish petitions Uncle Eric for a title shot at Victoria, and a match for Tomko, but Kane interrupts. We don’t see the conversation, as Kane actually kicks the cameraman out, too.

– A-Train v. Chris Jericho. Man, they sure took forever finding something for Train. He attacks to start and gets a slam out of the corner, but Jericho hits him with forearms before walking into a gorilla press. Train stomps on the ribs and works them with a backbreaker submission, but Jericho fights out. Train charges and misses badly, but hits a Derailer for two. A body vice is reversed into an enzuigiri by Jericho, and the Walls finish at 2:44. Man, Train was better off on Smackdown. Ѕ*

– Smackdown Rebound, as I rebound to CBC and watch Tampa take a 2-0 lead on Calgary. Quick note: Hulk Hogan’s daughter is kinda hot in a celebrity daughter kind of way, and she can at least sing for real. Hope she didn’t get his hair genes, though.

– It’s HHH! And it’s he’s gonna talk! We’d better take a break so I can call all my friends and neighbors and let them know.

– Okay, we’re back from break, ready to tackle a HHH interview. He says nothing of note outside of comparing Shawn to Jesus about 18 times (but remember, HHH is God according to RAW canon, so that’s no threat to him, deity-wise), only goes about 30 seconds, and then leaves. The build for this match has been super-weak. HHH goes to a skybox to watch the rest of the show. Speaking of which, the Iron cross shirt controversy continues.

– La Resistance v. Chris Benoit. Going for a tried-and-true bit of heel heat, Sylvain sings the French version of the Canadian national anthem, but Benoit’s music interrupts. Benoit invites both to attack at the same time, but the ref breaks it up, leaving Conway to pound Benoit in the corner. Benoit comes back with chops, but Conway pounds him down and brings him to the corner for some double-teaming. Grenier sends him into the corner for two. A blurb notes that RAW beat the Stanley Cup finals on ABC last week, which is not only comparing apples to oranges, but I should also point out that the rating in Canada alone beat RAW’s US audience pretty handily. Not on ABC, but still. Conway gets a neckbreaker for two. They work him over in the corner, but he keeps fighting back with chops, until Grenier sends him into the post and locks a full-nelson in the ropes. That’s pretty nasty, actually. The ref gets distracted, so Conway sends Benoit’s shoulder into the post and gets an armbreaker on the floor. Back in, it’s double-team city, but Edge runs in for the DQ at 5:31. This was going nowhere fast anyway. *1/2 However, Bischoff is IRATE and makes a rematch for the tag titles…at the PPV? So Benoit has to carry Kane AND La Rez in the same night? And you thought Eddie was a miracle worker. But tonight, it’s Kane & La Rez v. Edge & Benoit.

– Kane & La Resistance v. Edge & Chris Benoit. We’re JIP after the break, with Conway holding a chinlock on Edge, but coming back with a high cross for two. Grenier comes in and drops some elbows for two, and he goes back to the chinlock. Edge fights out and takes Grenier down with an armbar, and makes the hot tag to Benoit. He chops away on Kane, but gets caught, so Edge comes in and spears Kane to bail him out. Benoit goes up with the flying headbutt, but Kane no-sells and tires the chokeslam, so Benoit counters to the crossface, and Kane powers out. Chokeslam, goodbye at 3:48. I’m assuming this means clean Benoit win at the PPV, because otherwise having your World champion doing a clean job to an ice-cold Kane would be even more stupid. This match was nothing, and the buildup is making me less interested in seeing the match by the day, as Kane has spent most of it side-drained with Matt Hardy in a feud that went nowhere. Not to mention that he hasn’t had a good match in forever. Ѕ*

– Eugene v. Johnny Nitro. Nitro attacks to start, eschewing the sportsmanship of a handshake, so Eugene hiptosses him and rides him around the ring with a surfboard. Monkey-flip off a wristlock gets two. Rolling bodyscissors further annoys Nitro, and Eugene dropkicks him into a schoolboy for two. We get a little JYD tribute (including stopping to take a virtual piss on him, which Johnny SELLS), but Johnny slugs back. Eugene gets a kneelift into the airplane spin, and he goes up with the double axehandle for the clean pin at 2:46. Fun stuff, as Eugene totally destroyed Nitro. Wonder if there was political commentary in having the retarded guy squash Nitro. * Guess “Johnny Nitro” has outlived his usefulness in that role.

– Bad Blood update reveals that the women’s match is now a four-way, which just dilutes things further.

– Meanwhile, Lita is all on the phone with Matt and stuff, and hey, there’s Kane again. What a romantic. Apparently, whatever it is, it’s not over.

– Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels. Brawl to start as Shawn backdrops him and tosses him, thus allowing Shawn to take off his gear. Shawn chops Orton in the corner, but runs into a boot and gets clotheslined for two. Orton pounds away in the corner, but Shawn slugs back and then misses a blind charge. Orton goes to work on the arm. Shawn comes back with a neckbreaker and more chops, and backdrops Orton to the floor off a blind charge. They brawl out there, as Shawn chops away, but Orton goes low back in the ring and gets two. Orton stays on the arm, getting an armbar takedown for two. Shawn fights back and dodges a dropkick, allowing him a figure-four. Orton makes the ropes, so Shawn gives him a kneecrusher. Shawn throws some chops in the corner and slugs Orton down, setting up a suplex. Another figure-four is blocked with a trip to the post again, and Batista heads down to the ring as we take a break and I watch Tampa get awarded the Cup. Hey, good for Andreychuk, my Canucks went out in the first round anyway. And let’s face it – the Flames did a major chokejob in this game, as Iginla was nowhere to be found. We come back with Shawn slugging Orton down, but getting tossed. Batista does his damage and Shawn starts bleeding, so Orton keeps attacking. Back in, Orton whips him around and gets a suplex for two. Orton works a headlock while Shawn bleeds. However, as he apt to do, he fights out and gets the flying forearm, and both guys are out until Shawn starts JESUSING UP. Inverted atomic drop and Shawn knocks him down and goes up with the flying elbow, but Batista runs in for the DQ at 20:00. A match that dull doesn’t need a DQ finish after 20 minutes. **1/4 Shawn fights off both Orton & Batista and heads up the skybox to brawl with HHH as the show ends.

The Bottom Line:

First real clunker in a while, as this was not one of RAW’s better weeks and I’m not really excited about the PPV on Sunday. Even worse, there’s a SMACKDOWN PPV the next week. I thought Orton-Michaels might save the show, but I was more into the hockey game, so I guess not.

Until next week…