The SmarK Retro Re-Rant For Wrestlemania V

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania V

– This is the hacked-up Coliseum Video version I’m reviewing, for those who like to keep track of these things and may wonder why the matches are shorter than they remember.

– Live from Atlantic City, NJ.

– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse Ventura.

– Opening match: King Haku v. Hercules. Kind of an odd choice for an opener. Hercules was coming off his face turn after being “bought” by Ted Dibiase and started sucking up to the Megapowers for the rub, until they self-destructed. Whoops. Haku attacks from behind to start, but Herc comes back with a hiptoss and a slam. Faceplant and he goes after Heenan, but of course gets jumped. Back in, he comes back with a kneelift and some clotheslines, making me think that Haku’s whole heat segment was edited out. Powerslam gets two. Herc goes up but gets superkicked on the way down, and Haku follows with a flying headbutt that misses. Herc finishes with a backdrop suplex at 2:52. This was edited down to nothing, basically. Ѕ*

– Big Bossman & Akeem v. The Rockers. We’ll just steer clear of the whole “Twin Towers” name, for obvious reasons of good taste. This was Shawn’s Wrestlemania debut. The Rockers dodge the big guys to start and then knock them off the apron with elbows. Shawn claimed in a shoot interview that he was stoned and drunk off his gourd for this match. Bossman powers Shawn up to the top, but Marty distracts him and allows Shawn to hit a missile dropkick. Shawn uses speed to hit both heels, and Marty comes in to work on Akeem’s arm. Akeem makes the blind tag to Bossman, who catches Marty in a bearhug, and they sandwich Marty with a splash. Ouch. Bossman gets the rope straddle and Akeem splashes Marty on the ropes and gets…funky? Bossman splashes Marty in the corner, and then Akeem splashes Bossman for added weight. That’s pretty innovative. Bossman pounds him down and rings his ears, and Akeem comes in, but hits Bossman by mistake. Hot tag Shawn, and he slugs away on Akeem. The Rockers do some double-teaming as they whip Akeem around the ring and hit a double-shoulderblock for two. Akeem shrugs it off and hits Shawn with a vicious clothesline, but Bossman misses a top rope splash and Shawn gets two. Shawn goes for a rana, and Marty trips up Bossman to help with the move, and the Rockers both go up for a double dropkick. That gets two. Akeem finally tosses Marty for lack of anything better to do with him, and Bossman reverses another rana attempt from Shawn with a powerbomb, and Akeem kills him dead with a splash at 6:58. Fun, fast-paced big v. little match with some crazy bumping from the Rockers. **

– Ted Dibiase v. Brutus Beefcake. Dibiase’s Million Dollar Belt was the consolation prize for not winning the WWF title at Wrestlemania IV. I’m sure that helped him sleep at night. Beefcake’s push was somewhat stalled at this point, as he was floating aimlessly in the midcard. Much like most of the people on this show. Beefcake gets a cheapshot to start and backdrops Dibiase twice, and Ted bails. Back in, they slug it out, and Beefcake wins that fairly handily until Virgil trips him up. Dibiase does some choking as Jesse, future leader of a state, declares that “if you can’t win fair, cheat”. Somehow you KNEW he’d end up as a politician. Fistdrop gets two. Clothesline sets up an elbow off the middle rope that takes FOREVER. That would have been an easy edit. That gets two. He puts his head down, however, and Beefcake gets two off a cradle. Dibiase comes back with a suplex and gets the Million Dollar Dream, but Beefcake makes the ropes. Dibiase won’t break, so the ref pulls him off, and Beefcake makes the comeback. Dibiase eats some turnbuckle and Beefcake follows with the sleeper, but Virgil distracts him and they brawl outside for the double countout at 6:26. LAAAAAAAME. Poor Ted, in the World title finals one year and fighting a barber third from the bottom the next. It was actually going along fine before the rather abrupt finish. *3/4

– The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers v. The Bushwhackers. The Bushwhackers were actually fairly new and novel at this point in terms of their usage in the WWF. Bushwhackers go after Jimmy’s coat to start, but the Rougeaus save it. Whew. They quickly lay out Luke and double-team him on a Boston crab, then bring him into their corner and Ray whips Luke into the corner. He goes up to the middle with a double sledge, and Jacques comes in with a back elbow, and the Rougeaus get something vaguely resembling a double clothesline. A double elbow sets up Jacques’ abdominal stretch, which is aided by Raymond’s superkick to the gut. The Bushwhackers break up their celebrating with a battering ram, and the double gutbuster gives Luke the pin at 3:57. Next, please. Ѕ*

– Mr. Perfect v. The Blue Blazer. If there was one gimmick I never wanted to see again, it’s the Blazer. Such is life. Perfect starts with some chops, but Blazer reverses a hiptoss into a pair of slams and a dropkick that puts Perfect on the floor. Blazer follows with a baseball slide and they head back in. Blazer dodges him in the corner and gets a hiptoss and another slam. Another dropkick sets up a backbreaker, for two. Armbar takedown gets one. Blazer goes up, but hits knees on a splash, and we have an obvious edit. Blazer gets a crucifix for two, but Perfect lays him out with a clothesline and it’s the Perfectplex to finish at 3:16. Brutally clipped, but the full version is a really good match. *1/2

– We’ll skip over the Run-DMC appearance. Man, another dead person making an appearance.

– WWF tag titles: Demolition v. The Powers of Pain & Mr. Fuji. This was the peak for Demolition’s popularity, after the double-turn with the Powers at Survivor Series. Warlord starts pounding on Ax, but gets it back in spades. Smash comes in and it’s CLUBBERING TIME. Warlord powers him into the heel corner, however, necessitating Smash fighting out. No problem, however. Back to the Demo corner, as Ax comes in with a clothesline on Barbarian, but Barbarian wins a slugfest with Smash. Back to the heel corner, as Warlord uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but gets nowhere, with Demolition quickly getting a double-team clothesline on him. However, Ax turns his back on Fuji and gets attacked by the Powers, and he’s YOUR face-in-peril. Fuji comes in and they work Ax over with a variety of clubbing moves. Barbarian gets a shoulderblock, and Warlord boots Ax down for two. Barbarian powerslams him and tags Fuji in, but he misses an elbow from the top. Warlord cuts off any potential tag, however, with a slam. Ax fights back, however, and makes the hot tag to Smash. Punches fly and Smash slams both Powers, and the Demos get a double-team necksnap on Warlord for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Fuji throws salt at Smash, but misses and hits Warlord, and the Demos finish with Decapitation on Fuji at 7:13. Punchy kicky crappy. *1/4

– Dino Bravo v. Rugged Ron Garvin. Weird moment as Jimmy Snuka is re-introduced out of nowhere and does a lap of the ring after the ring introductions of these guys. Bravo lays out Garvin to start and drops an elbow, and goes to work on the back, then clubs him down. He goes to the bearhug and overpowers him for two. Garvin blocks a powerbomb and falls on top for two, however. Hands of Stone gets two. Garvin lays in chops and another knockout punch gets two. Sleeper, but Bravo makes the ropes. Piledriver is reversed by Bravo, but Garvin hangs on with a sunset flip for two. Garvin hits him with chops and pounds away in the corner, but Bravo comes out with an atomic drop and the sideslam finishes at 3:42. Who forgot to tell Garvin that Wrestlemania used to be about dogging it and blowing up 30 seconds in? Match wasn’t any GOOD, but Garvin actually seemed motivated for some bizarre reason. *

– Strike Force v. The Brainbusters. Martel was returning here after getting put out of commission by Demolition a year earlier. Martel starts with Tully and they work off a headlock, but Arn quickly knees Martel in the back. Martel fights out of the corner and Strike Force cleans house with dropkicks. Arn comes in and puts his head down, and Martel faceplants him for two. They do a knucklelock and Martel holds him on the mat, but Arn turns it into a bodyscissors. Martel turns him over into a Boston Crab, however, which is a nice counter. Tully thumbs him in the eye to break it up, drawing instant approval from Jesse. Santana tags in for a figure-four, and it’s the old double figure-fours spot. Yeah, but Martel & Santana are SO not the Rock N Rolls. Santana and Tully do a pinfall reversal sequence, but Arn saves. Tito cradles Tully for two. Martel comes in and Tito hits him with a flying forearm off a blind tag, by accident, and Martel is out on the floor. The Brainbusters now take over, as Arn pounds Tito and they work him over in the corner. Tito fights them off and goes for the tag, but Arn cuts it off. Sunset flip by Tito, but Arn tags Tully to escape and Blanchard gets two. Tito comes back with a cross body out of the corner for two, but the heels cut off the tag again. Arn goes to the rear chinlock, but Tito fights out, then charges and hits boot. Arn goes up, but gets slammed off, and Tito finally crawls over to his corner…but Martel is still selling the “injury”. Typical Quebecer drama queen. Tully keeps pounding on Tito, as Martel decides to take a walk, and the Busters kick the crap out of Santana and finish with the spike piledriver at 7:45. Felt like they were trying for an NWA-ish angle, but the match wasn’t long enough and there wasn’t enough heat on Santana for it to work within the context of the match. Martel turned heel in the post-match interview and became the Model soon after. **1/2

– We blissfully skip past the dated and now-painfully unfunny segment with Roddy Piper, Brother Love, and Morton Downey Jr. Many of you are likely asking who Downey Jr. is, which would explain why it’s so dated. Bruce Pritchard’s Piper imitation is the only really funny thing there. The big joke revolves around Downey’s obnoxious chain-smoking and his refusal to quit. Piper sprays him with a fire extinguisher to show him the error of his ways, but lung cancer finished the job in 2001. Sometimes there’s just no fire extinguisher large enough, I guess.

– Andre the Giant v. Jake Roberts. This was the charming “Andre is afraid of snakes” storyline, and John Studd was the referee. This was going to lead to a big push for the returning Studd, with Andre presumably putting him over, but health problems forced Studd back into retirement again, and he died in 1993, along with Andre. Man, this is quite the depressing show, isn’t it? Not to mention Jake’s problems since then. Andre attacks Roberts to start and sends him into an exposed turnbuckle, then chokes away in the corner. Jake slugs back and Andre gets tied up in the ropes, as he was wont to do, allowing Jake to lay in some punishment. Andre escapes with a choke, and headbutts Jake down. He pounds away in the corner, but sells a knee that didn’t happen, and Jake comes back. That was weird. Andre goes down, but still slugs Jake out to the floor from his knees. Andre keeps knocking him off the apron, so Jake grabs the snake, triggering a fight between Studd and Andre. Then, to make it dumber, Ted Dibiase runs out and steals the snake, while Andre beats on Studd. Jake sneals his snake back and makes the save, and it’s a DQ win at 5:29. Andre was so sad to watch in these final years. -*

– The Hart Foundation v. Honky Tonk Man & Greg Valentine. Talk about your filler matches. Bret starts with Honky and they fight over a lockup, and Bret slugs away on him and rolls him up for two. Atomic drop, both ways, and Honky retreats to tag Valentine. Hitman rolls him up, but Hammer blocks, so Bret tags Anvil in and he cleans house with shoulderblocks. That gets two on Valentine. Clothesline gets two. The Harts switch off on Honky and Bret drops the elbow, and suplexes him for two. Jimmy Hart distracts the ref, so the Harts grab his megaphone in retribution, nail Honky with it, and Bret gets the pin at 3:00. Like I said, filler. ѕ*

– Intercontinental title: Ultimate Warrior v. Rick Rude. This was the start of Rude actually being something worthwhile as a worker, to the shock of many. Warrior charges in with a shoulderblock, as Rude tried a knee to the gut, only to hit the belt. Warrior tosses him into the corner a few times, as Rude bumps like a freak. Warrior goes to a bearhug for god knows what reason, but Rude fights out by biting him. Warrior does the same right back. Backdrop and he goes for the splash, but Rude gets the knees up to block. Piledriver gets two. Jawbreaker, but Rude is too injured to swivel. Clothesline gets two. Rude goes to a surfboard, but Warrior powers out of it and clotheslines him. Warrior whips him around the ring, but misses a charge and splats in the corner. Rude goes for the Rude Awakening, but Warrior powers out of it and clotheslines him. Rude bails to escape, but Warrior tosses him back in again. He clotheslines Rude out again and tries a suplex back in, but Heenan hooks the leg and Rude wins the title at 6:19. Pretty decent power match with a finish that was still innovative in terms of never being done on PPV before and thus new to the fans. ** Rude & Warrior would actually have WAY better matches later, including a great one at Summerslam 89, where Warrior regained the belt.

– Bad News Brown v. Hacksaw Duggan. It’s the show that never ends! Just like the song, except with more steroids. Can you imagine booking this many matches these days? Bad News hammers away to start, but misses a charge and Duggan slugs back. Brown takes a walk, so Duggan slingshots him back in. Brown casually pounds him down again and headbutts him, but Duggan’s head is impervious to punishment and he stays up. There are times when I yearn for hardcore rules, and this is one of them. A garbage can would really break up the monotony right about now. Brown slugs him down and Duggan bails, so Brown whips him into the post. Back in, he goes for the Ghetto Blaster, but Duggan ducks and hits the three-point stance clothesline. Brown bails, totally no-selling it, and grabs a chair, but Duggan gets the board and it’s a duel for a double-DQ at 3:46. Yay, it’s OVER. DUD

– Bobby Heenan v. Terry Taylor. Heenan is still injured from Warrior beating him up after the Rude match, so it’s a quick pinfall for Taylor at 0:30 after a whip into the corner. DUD Brooklyn Brawler attacks afterwards to kick off THAT epic opening-match C-show feud.

– WWF title: Randy Savage v. Hulk Hogan. Jesse’s pre-match rant for Savage and against Hogan is awesome stuff. Savage bails to start and plays some headgames, but loses a lockup. He bails again and simmers, and back in tries a headlock, but gets overpowered. He takes out his frustrations with a tirade on Elizabeth, which sets off Jesse again. Back to the headlock, but Savage decides to duck out again. Hogan chases him this time, so Savage hides behind Liz. Hogan thinks it’s unfair, but then this coming from the guy who beats up women and has no problem using weapons in a sanctioned match. Hogan now does a bit of chain wrestling to take Savage down with a headlock, but Savage suplexes out of it. Hogan pops up and starts punching, then starts on the arm, but Savage goes to the eye and heads up. Double axehandle gets two. Savage grabs an armbar and keeps Hogan on the mat, but he fights up, so Macho uses what little hair there is to regain control. Hogan pulls the tights to dump Savage, and then tosses him back in. Jesse is so on the money here, jumping all over every little thing Hogan does. Hogan rams him into the turnbuckles and clotheslines him to set up the elbowdrops. Savage kicks him in the head to come back and gets the lariat for two, however. We hit the chinlock as Hogan starts bleeding. Hulk fights out and overpowers Savage, then follows with an atomic drop, but misses the elbow. Savage nails him from behind with a knee, into a rollup for two. He whips him around as Hogan bleeds, and then stomps on the hands for good measure. Hogan revives and rams Savage into the turnbuckle, then slugs away in the corner. Corner clothesline, but he hurts his arm on the move. Psychology? In a HOGAN MATCH? He javelins Savage over the top, which draws a sympathetic Liz over to tend to him. Savage offers her a backhand, however. That’ll learn her. They brawl outside as Savage keeps on the cut, but Hogan comes back and tries to ram Savage into the post. Liz prevents it, so Savage does it to Hogan. That’s thinking. The ref has had enough of Liz, so she gets sent to the back. Savage, meanwhile, hits Hogan with the double axehandle to the floor, driving him into the railing. Back in, he necksnaps him and chokes him on the ropes, working the throat with an elbow. Kneedrop gets two. Savage moves onto the wrist tape to choke him down (impressing Jesse greatly) then just uses his hands to put him out. Hogan is dead, so Savage goes up to finish him off with the flying elbow…but Hogan kicks out at two. Shit, every time I watch it, it’s the same thing. But I can keep hoping. Hulk up, three punches, big boot, legdrop, and Hogan wins his second title at 17:53. Not really as good as the initial drama made it seem to be, but still filled with good old fashioned pro wrestling dramatics and the like. Would have been nice to get a longer heat segment for Savage and REALLY make Hogan out to be toast, however. ***

The Bottom Line:

Most people remember 9 as the runaway winner of worst WM ever, but this one is pretty bad, and incredibly long, filled with literally nothing but filler matches and the occasional big angle. It was like a house show from hell or something. The main event is quite good for a Hogan match, so if you’ve never seen it, it’s worth a look. The rest, not so much, except as a historical curiosity.

Recommendation to avoid.