The SmarK Retro Repost – Royal Rumble 1990

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1990.

– Live from Orlando, Florida.

– Your hosts are Tony Skee-A-Vone and the Governor of Minnesota.

– Opening match: The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers v. The Bushwhackers.
Jacques is sporting a beard here. The Rougeaus were basically retired at
this point and this is a one-shot comeback to put over the
Sheepwhackers. We get the SEVEN MINUTE STALL OF DOOM to start, then a
comedy segment as the Rougeau’s tactics backfire and the ‘Whackers start
biting people in the ass. That beard really doesn’t work on Jacques.
And the Rougeaus are being made to look like idiots, with all the heel
tactics going wrong. More stalling. But alas, Luke gets caught in the
corner and choked out. More stalling. Sadly, I can tell that the
Rougeaus are dogging it, but I can’t tell if the Sheepwhackers are
trying or if they just suck that bad. Luke takes a couple of decent
bumps to bring it out of negative stars. You know the heels have it in
neutral when Raymond forgoes the savate kick-abdomial stretch
double-team in favor of simply punching the guy. Luke makes the hot tag
to Butch, and Jacques bumps like a madman (hoping to win a singles push,
I’d guess). Jimmy Hart gets involved and allows the Rougeaus a
comeback. But while Raymond comforts Jacques after a bump, the
Bushwhackers hit the battering ram and get the pin. Ugly comedy match.
DUD

– Mean Gene accuses Dibiase of rigging the draw in 1989, and then the
hand of irony interjects itself as Dibiase reveals that he drew #1 this
year. Wow, continuity and stuff.

– The Genius v. Brutus Beefcake. Someone should really publish a book
of Poffo’s poetry. This is a couple of weeks after Poffo’s glorious
victory over Hulk Hogan on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Stalling a
go-go. The sad thing is that Poffo is one of the most talented guys in
the business and he doesn’t need to resort to that sort of thing. This
match, of course, was meant to transfer the heat on Mr. Perfect from
Hogan to Beefcake. Poffo does the most melodramatic atomic drop sell
I’ve ever seen, working in three rolls. I kid you not. Poffo has to
play it gay to stay in character, which means lots of eye-scratching,
back-scratching, and cartwheels. More stalling from Poffo. I wonder if
Lanny Poffo was the inspiration for Johnny B Badd? Genius gets about an
8 on the Fag-O-Meter at any given time, so it’s not out of the question.
Poffo gets a long stretch of token jobber offense in (kick, punch, slam)
but Beefcake catches him coming off the top rope and quickly hooks a the
sleeper…but Poffo escapes and causes a ref bump. A ref bump in a
LANNY POFFO MATCH? I’d be flattered if I was Poffo. And now of course
Beefcake gets the sleeper, but the ref is out. Beefcake gets his
scissors and starts cutting, but Mr. Perfect saves his manager from a
haircut. Referee wakes up and calls a no-contest, I guess. Genius and
Perfect brutalize Beefcake with a chair. Yeesh, talk about needless
overbooking. DUD

– Sean Mooney has words with the Heenan Family, and stirs up shit.

– Submission match: Rugged Ronnie Garvin v. Greg Valentine. Both guys
have LOADED SHIN-GUARDS OF DEATH! Stiff shots from both guys in the
opening slugfest. We get the inevitable “Pinfall attempt but it’s a
submission match” bits to establish the stips for the REALLY dumb people
in the audience. More slugging and a Garvin headbutt leads to a
double-KO. They go through a pinning combo sequence that means nothing
because IT’S A SUBMISSION MATCH. The Sledgehammer of Plot is in full
effect tonight. Another double knockout. Hammer goes for the
figure-four but Garvin pushes him off and cradles him. Duh. Did they
forget the stips or something? Hammer takes him down again and slaps on
the figure-four (with help from the evil shin-brace) but see, Garvin has
his own shin-brace, which counter-acts the evil mojo of Valentine’s, and
as a result the figure-four has no effect. Garvin makes faces at
Valentine to reinforce the point. Somebody hook me up the guy who
delivered the drugs for the bookers for this show, because I’ve GOT to
try them. Garvin makes a comeback and applies an Indian deathlock.
Jesse makes SKINNY jokes about Tony. About TONY! They fight outside
the ring and Valentine backdrops out of a piledriver. Have I mentioned
how stupid and AWA-ish it is for Garvin to try to get a submission with
a fucking INDIAN DEATHLOCK? Why not try for a pin with a bodyslam, like
in the 50s, while we’re at it. Another double KO, and Jimmy Hart slips
something into Valentine’s shin-guard, and this time the dreaded
SHIN-GUARD OF DOOM is able to overcome Garvin’s Hammer Jammer
shin-guard. But Ronnie is Rugged, so he reverses the figure-four.
Garvin’s shin-guard seems to have disappeared along the way. Garvin
keeps trying for the pin. Oh, I see, Hart stole it. Garvin is selling
the knee injury well, I’ll give him that. Jimmy Hart gets involved (and
beat up) and Garvin is able to whack Valentine with his own shin-guard
and apply a sharpshooter for the submission. Silliness of the angle
behind it aside, it wasn’t bad for a Garvin match. **1/4

– Curt Hennig gloats about beating up Beefcake, and the gloats because
he drew #30 in the Rumble.

– Brother Love gets 20 minutes of PPV time to waste. Special guests:
Sapphire and Sherri. Love and Sherri verbally abuse Sapphire until she
hauls off and smacks Sherri, and a big brawl with the women, Dusty
Rhodes and Randy Savage erupts. Rhodes beats up Brother Love and tosses
him. Nice bump from Pritchard.

– Big Bossman v. Hacksaw Duggan. Slick, nearing the end of his WWF run,
doesn’t even get funky. Everything else after this was lame stuff like
the Warlord and Power and Glory. Bossman shows his improvement by
selling like a champ for Duggan’s offense and bumping like a madman.
Good for him. I forget the angle behind this, but it probably involves
something stolen and a nightstick beating. Bossman pulls out an
enzuigiri. Whoa! Bossman lays a beating on Duggan with his usual weak
offense. Duggan keeps getting up and Bossman keeps putting him down.
Duggan comes back again, clotheslining Bossman over the top rope in
another nice bump for Bossman. Duggan comeback stalls again as he
misses a blind charge and gets clotheslined. Bossman’s top rope splash
misses, however, and we get a double knockout spot. Miscommunication
spot between Slick and Bossman, but Bossman still ends up with the
nightstick and beats on Duggan for the DQ. Weak ending to a Duggan
match that DIDN’T SUCK! Go fig. Duggan cleans house with the 2×4.
**1/2

– Pre-Rumble interview medley. Earthquake! Bravo! Ax! Smash! Bad
News! Dusty! Shawn! Marty! Hercules! Martel! Santana! Snuka!
Akeem! Warrior!

– 5 minute intermission! Oops, got caught up in the excitement there.
And why did they take those intermissions, anyway?

– Pre-Rumble interview medley: The Sequel. Savage! Warlord!
Barbarian! Roberts! Bret! Anvil! Honky Tonk! Hogan! Lessee, with
Dibiase, Hennig, Rude, Haku and Andre, that’s still only 27 guys
accounted for. Oh, and Piper didn’t get an interview, so that’s 28.

– Royal Rumble: Dibiase gets #1 of course. Ah, there we go, Koko B
Ware got #2. That’s 29 accounted for. Managers are allowed at ringside
this year for some reason. Koko has ugly painted on sideburns. Koko
does a blind charge and gets backdropped out in short order. Well that
was a quick night. Marty Jannetty is #3. He works in the triple
somersault clothesline sell 30 seconds in. Dibiase works in his own
somersault sell coming off the second rope soon after. Jannetty goes
for a cross-body…and goes over the top rope. Two down, 27 to go for
Dibiase. Jake Roberts is #4, and I’m pretty sure he’ll last longer.
They have an issue, so they fight on the floor and Dibiase gets taken to
the post. Dibiase and Roberts get a pretty good little match going as
Randy Savage is #5. A three-way between Savage, Dibiase and Roberts?
Works for me. Savage and Dibiase pair off against Roberts. Roddy Piper
(#6) makes the save and blows the roof off. Piper and Snake clean
house. Warlord is #7. Not much of note happens. Bret Hart is #8 and
he turns the tide for the faces…and why are they working together,
anyway? The “good guys and bad guys” spirit was still very much in
effect, even in the every-man-for-himself event. Everyone pairs off.
Bret gets Warlord. Bad News Brown is #9 and he goes right after Bret
Hart. Roberts goes for a DDT on Dibiase and Savage clotheslines him
over the top. Roberts isn’t very good at these things. Dusty Rhodes is
#10 and of course he immediately goes after Savage, and tosses him a few
seconds later. If you look fast, you can see referee Shane McMahon
telling Savage to go back to the dressing room. Andre the Giant is #11.
He knocks Warlord out with one hand. Heenan and Fuji get into a yelling
match about it. Andre beats on Piper and Dusty. Terry Taylor (not that
other name) is #12. Piper backdrops Bad News out, and Brown pulls Piper
out in retaliation. You get a better view of young Shane as they fight
back to the dressing room. Andre is whomping Taylor. Demolition Ax is
#13. Andre dumps Taylor. Ax and Dusty double-team him. Haku is #14,
which puts the tag champs in there together. Dibiase and Bret Hart are
having a dandy little match-let over in the corner. And of course,
Smash is #15 to give us the Demolition v. Colossal Connection matchup.
Nothing noteworthy going on. Akeem is #16. The Demos actually manage
to put Andre out! Bret gets knocked out off-camera. Jimmy Snuka is
#17. He knocks out the dancing Akeem in short order. Dino Bravo is
#18. Man, we need Warrior to clear out some of this deadwood. The
Demos work over Dibiase, who’s been in for more than half an hour.
Earthquake is #19 and he gets on my good list by tossing Big Dust. Then
Ax. Jim Neidhart is #20 and goes right after Earthquake. Everyone
helps out and they alley-oop him over the top. More people beat on
Dibiase. Warrior is #21 and watch the bodies fly now. Bravo is gone.
Warrior beats on everyone, showing no favorites. Rick Martel is #22.
Haku backdrops Smash to the apron, then thrust kicks him to the floor to
knock him out. Tito Santana is #23 and goes after Martel, of course.
Honky Tonk Man is #24. We’re just lining up the targets for Hogan at
this point. Neidhart is knocked out by a double-team effort. Warrior
finally knocks Dibiase out after 48 minutes+. And here I thought the
Orange Goblin would get the honors. Hogan is #25 and Snuka is right on
him. Buh bye, Superfly. Buh bye, Haku. Have a seat, Santana. Shawn
Michaels is #26 as Honky is sacrificed to Hogan. Michaels goes bye-bye.
Martel is gone via the Warrior, and we’re left with Hogan v. Warrior and
4 guys to go. Shoving match and they do the CRISS-CROSS OF DOOM and
damned if the entire arena isn’t standing on their seats. Double KO,
which is rudely interrupted by Barbarian at #27. Rude enters
prematurely at #28. Barbarian takes Hulk and Rude takes Warrior.
Barbarian and Rude work over Warrior, and Hulk crashes into them,
knocking Warrior out. Hercules is #29. Hulk and Herc work over the
heels until Hennig’s entrance at #30 to complete the entrants. Herc
backdrops Barbarian out. Final four: Hennig, Hogan, Herc and Rude.
Rude clotheslines Herc out, leaving Rude and Hennig against Hogan.
Hennig ends up on the apron, and as he climbs to his feet, he pulls down
the top rope, sending Rude over and out by accident. Hennig beats on
Hogan and applies the Perfectplex, which does no good in the context of
a battle royale, but Hulk hulks up. Hennig takes his contractually
obligated slingshot to the post and Hogan clotheslines the shit out of
him and dumps him over the top to win the match. Good Rumble. ****

The Bottom Line: Interesting story: Curt Hennig was booked to win the
Rumble for months prior to this, but Hogan vetoed it as usual, because
god forbid he should put a worker over. So instead he had to take “last
man out” as consolation. And the Intercontinental title later on. At
any rate, fast forward through the undercard and catch a great
performance from Dibiase, even if the ending does suck.

Mildly recommended.