The SmarKdown Rant – August 15 2002

The SmarKdown Rant – August 15, 2002

– Taped from Seattle, WA.

– Your hosts are MC & Tazz.

– Opening interview: Brock Lesnar (who should go beyond the shirt and start wearing red and yellow to really cheese off the crowd) and Paul Heyman gloat about Hogan and show us the footage again. Man, those are some pussy chairshots. Heyman gets into ramble territory, and Rikishi interrupts. Tazz notes “He’s got something to say or do!” Really, you THINK? Sometimes announcing isn’t needed. Rikishi reminds us that they have a match tonight. Heyman ends up in position for a stinkface, but real men don’t eat ‘kish, so Brock saves him. Rather dreary little segment.

– Shannon Moore, Hurricane & Hardcore Holly v. Billy, Chuck & Rico. What happened to the Venis/Holly team already? Dissention may be showing on the heel team – the headbands NO LONGER MATCH. Speaking of fashion, the referees appear to have switched to dark blue shirts now. Holly dominates the heels to start and brings Rico in for some punishment. Moore slugs away, but gets kicked down in slick fashion for two. Moore comes back with a leg lariat and Hurricane comes in with a legdrop from the top for two. He tries a chokeslam on Chuck, but when that fails he goes with a rana and the Shining Wizard Magazine for two. Tazz even calls it again. Hurricane pounds away, but gets hotshotted and suplexed to make him hero-in-peril. Chuck hammers him in the corner. The crowd hates Rico and the WWE is insane not to push him more than they do. Chuck hits the chinlock, which reminds me: They’re missing a plethora of stupid move names for Chuck – the Chuckslam, the Chucklock – the possibilities are…well, not endless, because really it’s just those two. But you see my point. At any rate, Billy’s tilt-a-whirl is reversed to the Eye of the Hurricane, hot tag Moore. It’s BONZO GONZO and Moore gets a neckbreaker on Chuck and goes up for a corkscrew. Cole calls him a rookie. Perhaps in Crazy Michael Cole World. Chuck’s powerbomb is stopped, but Billy hits him with a drop sleeper at 5:20. Good action here. ** Heel beatdown on Shannon follows, but Matt Hardy jumps from RAW to make the save. Holly doesn’t seem impressed. Well, it’s just Bob Holly.

– Elsewhere, Dawn Marie apologizes to Stephanie, but gets bitched out and educated on the storyline at the same time. I still don’t get how Stephanie is supposed to be a babyface. “Well, now we get why Matt Hardy is here!” Cole notes, as though it took him this long to figure it out. Well, I guess it may have.

– Elsewhere, Matt has a meet and greet with the rest of Team OMEGA.

– Elsewhere, Steph has encouraging words for Chris Benoit, and gives him a shot at the Rock tonight.

– Elsewhere, Angle doesn’t think Rey’s win last week was entirely honest, and therefore it didn’t count. Rey interrupts, but you must be “this high to talk to Kurt Angle”. Rey challenges him to a match at the PPV, which amuses Kurt. He makes short jokes, and Mark Henry stands up for Rey. Angle’s tired of talking to people, though, so he wants some action. Man, they just won’t give it up with Henry.

– Kurt Angle v. Mark Henry. Henry overpowers Angle to start, and Angle decides to go for a takedown, which fails. Henry drops him on his face and gets a clothesline for two. Henry appears to hurt his ankle on the running choke thing, and Angle goes after it. Henry’s selling is, shall we say, less than convincing. Angle keeps clipping him and working on the knee, and the anklelock is reversed. Now, there’s times when having a guy block the anklelock is a good idea, but wasting that on Mark Friggin Henry is not one of them. Henry ignores the ankle again and gets a press slam, but walks into a boot. Angle goes back to the anklelock, and he’s got nowhere to go and taps at 5:36. Rey does the run-in and sends Angle running afterwards. Basically, Henry’s whole job here was to lay on the mat and act like his leg was hurt, and he couldn’t even do that quite right. *

– Brock Lesnar v. Rikishi. Brock takes him down to start and they exchange hammerlocks. Rikishi clotheslines him for two, but misses a charge and hits the post. Brock goes to work on the arm briefly, but Rikishi fights back. Brock gives him a belly-to-bellies for two to end that rally. Into the bearhug, which fails to cause Rikishi to bite down on a condom full of fake blood like it did with Hogan. You know who they need back again? Ken Shamrock. You didn’t need to ask HIM twice to bite on that condom. If there was an angle that required internal bleeding from an undetermined injury, you called the World’s Most Dangerous Man. Rikishi gets his usual and puts Brock into position for the Stinkface, but (say it with me), goes after Heyman instead of Brock, gets distracted, and Lesnar hits the F5 for the pin at 5:41. They really need a new finish. Throwaway match here. *

– Summerslam video runs down the card.

– Elsewhere, Funaki interviews Nidia. Man, he’s better than Michael Cole. Nidia wants to talk about how voluptuous her breasts are, and invites inappropriate touching. Funaki acts like she’s made of poison ivy, until Batista and D-Von come out of nowhere to interrupt, with Batista laying out D-Von. Wow, that was … uh … yeah. So how about that local sports team?

– Torrie v. Nidia. Kidman and Noble are hanging around at ringside. Nidia leaves her gum on the ringpost, truly the sign of a classy lady. But it does it lose its flavour there overnight? Torrie attacks her and catapults her into the post for two. Nidia comes back with a DDT for two. Clothesline gets two. Torrie hotshots her and gets a suplex for two. She stops to go after Noble, drawing Nidia into an accidental baseball slide to her boyfriend. Torrie goes up but gets pulled off by Noble, and he clotheslines her to give Nidia the pin at 2:27. Kane’s music hits right away to completely bury the segment. And thank god for that. DUD

– Elsewhere, the Guerreros call home and make sure all the family is watching their match. Eddy rants and Chavo plays yes-man.

– Rey Mysterio & Edge v. Eddy & Chavo Guerrero. The Guerreros even have matching tights. Badass AND stylish. Edge and Chavo slug it out to start and Chavo gets flapjacked. Eddy trips up Edge, but Chavo charges and gets backdropped. Eddy gets a cheapshot on Edge regardless, and the Guerreros work Edge over in the corner. Edge fights back on Eddy and faceplants Eddy, and Rey comes in with a bombs away. Standing moonsault gets two. Eddy hits him with a MDK Powerbomb out of the corner, however, and Chavo slingshots in for two. Rey appears to be YOUR 12-year-old-in-peril. Eddy gets his own slingshot for two. Eddy gets a pumphandle backbreaker for two. SWANK. Chavo slams him for two. Rey comes back with a leg lariat, but Edge is so intent on getting the tag that he doesn’t notice Eddy hitting him in the head. Rey gets that hot tag however, and Edge cleans house. He spears Chavo in the corner, but misses one on Eddy and gets brainbusted. Frog splash is stopped by Rey, who hits Chavo with the 619. Angle appears out of nowhere for the DQ at 6:09. Major heel beatdown on Rey Rey follows, but Edge chases Angle off. For those asking, “619” is a fairly clever pun: Rey is from San Diego, and 619 is San Diego’s area code, so when he hits the 619 he’s “going home”, which is an inside term for the finish of the match. Not that anyone would actually UNDERSTAND that, but it’s clever. Match was nothing special, which is a shame. *1/2

– Elsewhere, Rock abuses whoever the announcer on Smackdown is.

– The Rock v. Chris Benoit. This is apparently non-title. Funny bit before the match as Bischoff hires a couple of guys to carry a HUGE RAW ad banner through the arena. Benoit goes for the arm to start and works a headlock, but Rock armdrags him. Cole calls Rock the “most popular Undisputed champion of all-time”. The title’s been around for EIGHT MONTHS. Geez. Rock faceplants Benoit off an irish whip, but gets hit with a backdrop suplex. Benoit gets a short-arm clothesline and pounds away. Backbreaker gets two. Benoit unloads with CANADIAN VIOLENCE, but Rock ducks one and gets a belly to belly overhead suplex for two. Benoit comes back with the rolling germans, pulling out the FIVE variation. He gets two. Benoit must be feeling 100% again. He keeps working the cover and grabs a standing armbar, but Rock fights out. DDT, but Rock takes too long to cover and only gets two. Benoit starts chopping again and gets his own DDT, which makes Rock bounce like a Heyman paycheque. Benoit brings back the CUT THE THROAT~! gesture, and brings the flying headbutt out of mothballs to boot. It gets two. He should really retire that move. Crowd is deeply into the double KO spot. They slug it out, and Rock lays the smackdown and gets the Scorpion King Deathlock, but Benoit makes the ropes. Benoit then CLOCKS Rock with an elbow, but Rock kips up and catches him with a spinebuster and People’s Elbow. Brock Lesnar joins us, prompting Rock to chase him, but when he heads back in he gets caught in the Crossface again. Brock stares Rock down again, but Rock is too close to the ropes this time and he escapes the move. Benoit is pissed now and he starts dropping elbows, but walks into Rock Bottom and it’s over at 11:28. That was total Heyman booking there, with the finish from two weeks ago teased again here. Great match, as you’d expect from these two. ***3/4

The Bottom Line:

Good main event tops off what was kind of a dull show, feeling more like a filler in the weeks leading up to the PPV than anything else. Toss out the first hour completely, toss out the useless segments with Steph.

A step down from recent weeks, but still a pretty decent effort. It’ll likely get smoked in the ratings again, but they can’t waste energy worrying about that.