The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 08.03.10

Beg, Borrow, or Steal Some Money to See This!

This past weekend, I saw “Inception.” And while I might not be the brightest bulb in the shed, I paid enough attention to actually understand the movie. But hey, I know some people are not like me. Some people are full retards. Which is fine, really – there always have to be people that spend their hard earned cash on Spinner Belts or movies like “Lottery Ticket.” The following picture is for these people – those who have seen “Inception” and still do not understand it. Perhaps this picture will clear everything up for you.

Nope that did not help. Sorry.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Yea, my middle finger to the law, bustin off, tryna touch the sky, My teacher said, “Impossible”, but I’mma fuckin try!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that is burns like the sun, the Small-For-All News Report. In today’s edition, we take a look at the “possible fake” logo that is tearing 411Mania apart, Drew McIntyre’s swagger, Kelly Kelly’s hidden talent, an update on upcoming TNA cards, and who’s the latest star unhappy in TNA! Oh and if you care about where I work in a couple of weeks, we have that for you too!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Logo From the Future

Clearly our biggest story of the week happened right here at 411Mania. Over the weekend, Lansdell posted a “new WWE Logo” which has not been confirmed to be real. That said, the new “possibly fake” logo took the internet by the storm. It was similar to when Willie the Worker started writing years ago. Would the following logo really be implemented by the WWE? And if so, who leaked it?

Before I answer these questions, let me give my Smallophiles my true opinion of the new “possibly fake” logo. Here goes – I actually like the logo. At first, I found the background image to be distracting but the more time I’ve spent looking at it, the more I like it. If this is the new logo, it does a good job combing both the Block Logo and the Attitude Stick Logo. Second, it’s time for a new logo as it’s been thirteen years since the birth of Attitude. With the WWE’s PG slant, there’s no sense using a logo that does not represent the WWE anymore. And hell, without the F in the logo, it still looks funny to me. At least now the E is represented. But hey, I can understand why people do not like it. Because these people do not like change. Haven’t they heard that our President is Obama now?

Oh and if you are waiting on the answers to the questions I posed above, they are “Yes” and “Colonel Mustard.”

The Greatest Scotsman Ever

Here are a few excepts from a recent Slam Wrestling interview with “The Chosen One” Drew McIntyre.

On why he will be a top star – “There’s a lot of hype for a good reason,” McIntyre said. “if an actor in Hollywood has been an actor for 20 years, and some new kid comes along, perfect for the role — he’s good-looking, he’s right, he’s good-looking, foreign, he’s got a sweet accent — this is the guy they’re going to want; we don’t know if he’s got the tools yet, but they’ll give him the opportunity to see how he does, and if he does well, fantastic. If he doesn’t, ugh.”

McIntyre is 100% correct here. There are always up-and-comers in every profession and the old guard needs to step aside. Granted, a lot of the younger wrestlers are pushed via potential but that’s what is necessary to develop new talent. I doubt there were many people happy that the Miz was getting a push years ago and now he’s the hottest thing on Raw next to the Nexus.

On handling pressure – “I love pressure,” said McIntyre. “I work best under pressure. … It was pretty much what I’d been working for, for my entire life. This is all I’ve wanted, I worked hard at it since I was a kid. I worked hard in the gym. I’ve worked very hard to get that thumbs up from the boss himself. It was just justification in my head that all this has paid off. I get the opportunity to do what I always believed I was destined to do. … It just feels like it’s in my blood.”

That said, I am glad that the WWE has scaled back McIntyre’s push a bit. While he has many of the tools to succeed and, judging by the interview, embraces the challenge, it is a lot to throw on his plate at one time. But if McIntyre keeps improving in the ring and embracing the challenges, I definitely see him as a main eventer in a few years. His attitude is something I wish more wrestlers had. Instead of expecting everything to be given to him, McIntyre is going out and grabbing it. Now if only he could climb a ladder faster…

Legends of the Hidden Temple

In a recent interview with the Sydney Morning Herald, Kelly Kelly told the paper that she can burp the alphabet.

It’s a pity more cute girls like her can’t keep it down. Swallow, woman, swallow!

Yes, the trailer for Legendary will be shown tonight. I was waiting for this for a long time.

And here is Edge to open the show. And he’s showing some leadership by wanting to take down Wade Barrett this evening!

Okay, R-Truth needs some new theme music. When he’s not acting a fool, like tonight, his music does not work at all. That said, Truth gave a nice serious promo. It’s a shame that he will suffer multiple concussions banging his head on the glass wall.

Wade Barrett of Nexus to fight… nexus!

“Wade Barrett is the head of the Nexus Snake” says Jerry Lawler. Thank God, Vince McMahon has not seen Human Centipede yet.

Good match between Barrett and Edge. It’s crazy how Barrett was nothing more than a Tag Champion in OVW and FCW but now is in line to main event Summerslam. Hell, I doubt many people plugged him in as the eventual winner of NXT Season 1 but now, I am damn glad, he did win.

I am going to rant about this later but let me just say how I hate the “constant turmoil” of the WWE group heading into Summerslam.

OMG, a Magnificent Seven reference. Is Bischoff the new GM?

How amazing would it be if the Great Khali is the ringleader of the Nexus? Okay, maybe I am the only one who likes that idea.

It would not be a WWE 2010 Divas match without a fuckup right before the ending.

Alicia Fox must have the strongest calves in the WWE because even Booker T and Bull Buchanan together did not have as much success with a scissor kick.

OMG, Melina returns and she’s looking kinda hot. Excuse me while I go take my talents to South Beach.

Why wrestling rules in HD – During Sheamus’s “Hi-Cross” you could see a fly landing on his shoulder. Either that or he needs to be evaluated be a doctor.

Hey remember when Cena feuded with Jericho in 2008 after Jericho’s awesome feud with HBK and how no one took Jericho seriously even though he was champ? Yeah, it has not gotten any better.

Look there’s a “The Other Guys” commercial. What guest hosts!

Did Cena even have the STF locked in before Jericho tapped? If that’s the case, then how can the ref ring for the bell then? I’m glad Barry Horowitz is not around anymore.

Cena vs. Jericho was a damn good match even though that a) Jericho had no chance of winning and b) the match was taped last week. Then again, I still do not see why this match was booked in the first place.

So the WWE team is down to 3 wrestlers and 2 non-workers (Bret Hart and John Cena). I like Nexus chances even more now.

And look at that – it’s Hart and Cena vs. the Two Quitters next week. Unless this was just an epic SWERVE to get an upperhand on Nexus next week. Come to think of it, I think that’s it! Perhaps there’s no reason to rant anymore.

Yes, my two favorite couples colliding in the ring – DiBiase/Maryse vs. Khali/Runjin Singh! I wonder if Maryse has enough in her to distract the Punjabi Playboy.

The Khali Vice Grip of Doom is back and just in time for SummerSlam. God, I love summers!

Must everyone on Team WWE be thinking of leaving Team WWE! Why can’t the WWE find a homer anywhere?

Woo hoo Legendary preview. I haven’t seen a coming-of-age this good since the Battle of Shaker Heights.

And here’s our Raw Guest Hosts, Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell. And clearly since this show was taped last week, we get a pretty funny three minute backstage skit with the Bellas. Hey, anytime that Mark Wahlberg can get punked out, I am happy with it. Remember this douchebag gave us Entourage.

I’m so hoping that the Miz is WWE Champion one day. He’s definitely worked hard to get to this level and the sky is the limit with the kid. Now if only the WWE could turn him face one day…

Good match between Miz and Orton as they worked well together. This only bodes well for Miz’s main event push by having quality matches with Orton and company. I have no complaints about Orton winning either as he has the main event match at Summerslam, not Miz. The goal is to keep Miz strong before he cashes in on as MITB briefcase.

Good Raw this week. I was afraid that the show would have been flat since it was taped after last week’s live Raw. However, even with a subdued crowd (at times), the WWE delivered another strong show focused on just building Summerslam. No silly Santino/Kozlov pairing or tons of time spent on backstage segments this week – just solid wrestling heading into Summerslam. And while at first I hated all of the turmoil inside of Team WWE, I have a feeling that next week, we will be all set heading into Summerslam.

THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

After a subpar finding last week, I have scoured the internet to bring the funny to YOU. And here’s what I found:

But wait, it gets better. Someone on the intranetz decided to make the above into the #1 feel good hit of the summer. BEHOLD…

Ladies and gentlemen, your next TNA World Champion!

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Everybody Going to the Party, Have a Real Good Time

Here’s an updated VIP list for the upcoming Hardcore Justice: One Last Stand PPV.

Who’s Coming

Tommy Dreamer
Mick Foley
Rob Van Dam
Team 3D
Raven
Rhino
Stevie Richards
Simon Diamond
Al Snow
Taz
Johnny Swinger
Jerry Lynn
Sabu
The Sandman
Axl Rotten
Mysteries (not Mysterious)
Surprises

Party Poopers

Amish Roadkill
Lance Storm
Taijiri
Super Crazy
Balls Mahoney – he was coming, now he’s not… I wonder what turned him off.
Shane Douglas
Mikey Whipwreck
More to come!

Clash of the Champions

On Thursday August 12th, TNA will be running a “special” Impact event with a match listing originally slated for the Hard Justice PPV. Here’s what they have on tap:

“THE WHOLE F’N SHOW” ROB VAN DAM vs. ABYSS (TNA WORLD TITLE MATCH)
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST KURT ANGLE vs. “THE PHENOMENAL” AJ STYLES
ANGELINA LOVE vs. MADISON RAYNE (TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH)
“THE CHARISMATIC ENGIMA” JEFF HARDY’S OPEN CHALLENGE
“THE POPE” D’ANGELO DINERO vs. “THE BLUEPRINT” MATT MORGAN vs. MR. ANDERSON
BEER MONEY vs. MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (IF NEEDED, TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES MATCH)
INK INC. vs. GENERATION ME (#1 CONETENDER’S MATCH FOR TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES)

Hate to already complain but why couldn’t TNA ask Spike TV for a third hour? On paper, it’s a really solid card (hell, I’d rather watch the above than the PPV), but I am afraid that seven matches across a two hour (before commercials) show will be too much. Granted both the wimmenz match and the #1 contender’s match could be short, but I’d hate to see the show rushed. Especially since we know that there still will be a few talking segments to further storylines and give Hogan something to do.

On the bright side, kudos to TNA for giving their fans what should be a quality night of wrestling. With buyrates in the proverbial shitter, monthly/quarterly specials like these would be more beneficial for the company. Without a $30 price tag, more people could watch these specials, enjoy what they see, and perhaps stick around for more. Even better, if these specials are actually good, perhaps people might pay money to see a similar night of quality television. I won’t (since I’d wait for another free special) but there are people like Guest#8401 that purchase everything anyways.

Unhappy Samoan

From the Torch, “Samoa Joe was said to be very upset following his match with Jeff Hardy on iMPACT! last week, which ended in a time limit draw. Joe was hot following the bout because he felt the finish was given away by TNA having ring announcer Jeremy Borash say there were 30 seconds remaining when he specifically asked them not to.”

Now… now… Joe’s upset at TNA! They made him dress up like a fucking army ranger and carry around a big plastic knife for a year and now, he’s upset!

Joe, listen here you beautiful bitch for I am about to fuck you up with some truth. When I met you two years ago, you did not care what you were doing as long as you were getting paid. Now while you are still being paid, since that August that we spoke, you have become a fucking laughingstock. From your “Nation of Violence” to being paid by Jenna from Survivor to being abducted by Orlando Jordan (he’s raping everybody out here). Sure, you are now on a small winning streak but honestly, you are about to be squashed by Kurt Angle in a month. And after that, I really do not see much in your future. Joe, it’s time for you to look at your options and see where else you can make some money. Perhaps you should be a part of NXT Season 7. Perhaps you can wrestle at a show that only BERMAN watches. Perhaps you get high with Paul London all the time. Whatever you choose, it can’t be much worse than the above.

No Surrender: One More Final Last Stand Deux: Electric Boogaloo

Yes, I am kidding about the above PPV title… for now. At this current stage, one of the main events planned for September’s No Surrender PPV is Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy.

Perhaps 12,000 buys seem obtainable for a “First Ever Time on PPV” match, you’d think!

Too Easy

TNA president Dixie Carter’s theme music is titled “The Man in Me.”

Shouldn’t the song be called “Abyss” then? Because there’s no other way he’s deserving of this push.

Small’s Choice

Three weeks ago, I mentioned how Lebron’s decision got me thinking of my own contract status at 411Mania. On August 13th, my 411Mania writer’s contract ends. On that date, I will be a free agent. Should I re-sign with the website that has brought me tons of fame and has stuck with me through some really shitty news reports? Or should I jump ship and become the man at another website?

Two weeks ago, I stated that there were three websites that were vying for my attention. In case you had forgotten (and shame on you), below are those websites (names hidden since I’m technically not a free agent yet) along with two more that have recently entered the game.

Website A used to be a highly reputable site before pop-ups turned everyone away. Originally, I had no interest in even thinking of joining this site due to a well publicized argument with the owner at the Midway sponsored TNA Impact party weekend. However, once the website told me I could go “Elite” and order a few of their pop-ups (hurray enlarged penis!), I am now interested in listening to their full pitch.

Website B is looking for a star to finally take down the 411 Juggernaut. The site has tried in the past by hiring former writers but failed to even make a dent. Now that most of the “old guard” has retired, they need a superstar to give the site a pulse. This website is throwing a ton of money at me.

Next up, Website C. This website has not gone public yet but the owner has convinced me that it will at some point. I am not really sure what the owner needed my credit card for but he seemed trustworthy. Since then, I have not yet heard back from the owner.

Website D is nothing like the above three. In fact, it’s not even a wrestling website! It’s more a wrestling blog… of doom. In the past, the headmaster used to care about wrestling. But now, he leaves that to his minions. And he’s offered me the status of Minion #1.

Website E used to be a thriving messageboard. It was so popular that one of its writers was used on TEW in the past. It continued on for a while but sadly, went to shit in the last year. The owners are looking for some new blood and have offered me the top spot and the ability to bring in as many writers as I would like… except for Slimmer, who gets no love.

Lastly, we have Website F. Website F is the unknown. Should I just use my awesome HTML skillz and try to bank it on my own? Fuck no, I’m not doing that! I can barely hyperlink.

So there you have it – five websites that have put in offers to me. In the sixth corner (OMG TNA) sits my current home, 411Mania. Recently, I had asked Csonka about what perks he’d offer me and sadly, there’s no raise and no timeslot change. But he would provide me with all the Preztel M&Ms I could eat!

Tune in next week when I will select my next employer! Will it be my final Small-For-All News Report? Or has this just been an excuse to include filler in my column? Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!