The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 08.31.10

You Know I’m Not Dead

C’mon guys, you know I would never leave you with that abortion of a last column. Trust me, when it’s time for me to go, I will go all out in style. I almost tried to fake a few of you out with a couple of my favorite pictures (Hungry Man Brownie and Undertaker’s Dong) but it did not work. Fear not, the final Small-For-All will have everyone in it. And that’s a fact, Jack!

So I’m still around on 411Mania and honestly, that should not have been much of a surprise. Once Csonka promised me Pretzel M&Ms, he had me hooked. There is nothing better than that sweet and salty chocolately pretzel goodness. Which leads me to ask one question – Preztel M&Ms: Great Candy or Greatest Candy? You decide.

Delicious.

And with that lovefest out of the way, it’s time to speak on more important matters. Like what the hell did I miss? Over the last two weeks, I watched 15 minutes of Raw (last week’s main event match/interview) and read very little on any website. But fear not, since all of you expect nothing but professional opinions and facts in this news report, I scoured the internet for the last 5 minutes to catch myself up to speed. And here’s what I learned:

Some people thought that Nexus came out looking strong at the end of Summerslam even though Bret Hart DQ’d himself, Jericho and Edge were eliminated after miscommunication, Daniel Bryan was taken out by a WWE superstar, and then they lost to John Cena’s STF. Some people are fucking stupid.

Daniel Bryan returned at Summerslam much to the excitement of millions of internet fans. I was marking out too.

Black John Cena was kicked out of Nexus. Which means only one thing – Reverend Al Sharpton will not be appearing again on WWE TV.

Husky Harris and Percy Watson were both eliminated on NXT. Which is a shame since Percy Watson was my early favorite and Husky Harris carried the last few weeks on his massive man-titties. Then again, Mr. Perfect Jr, Low-Ki, and Alex Riley should be in the top 3.

Snooki and J-WOWW can type… on a computer.

Speaking of which, J-WOWW’s breasts defy the laws of gravity.

Stuff happened on Impact and Smackdown. Not that I care since I have not watched either show since the beginning of the year.

Actually, Alberto Del Rio defeated Rey Mysterio cleanly to close the show. Either he will have a career similar to Carlito (who defeated John Cena in his debut) or Tazz (who defeated Kurt Angle). Damn.

Last week on Raw, they announced a Six-Pack Challenge for Night of Champions. Smart move considering Barrett is not ready for a title shot yet and it’s an easy way for Sheamus to gain cheap heel heat by weaseling his way to another win. It’s a shame that Triple H is waiting to destroy him at Hell in the Cell.

The Hottest Song of the Summer was finally released – Katy Perry’s “Peacock.”

That’s a lie – it’s Drake’s “Fancy.”

Nothing of note happened on NXT. Sounds about right.

Team WWE defeated TNA’s Fortune on Impact. Sounds about right.

And stuff happened on Smackdown.

Oh and Ronnie sucks at being John Cena.

Sure, there were other things I missed as I still have not caught up on Entourage or Hard Knocks or Next Food Network Star. But you guys don’t care about my non-wrestling thoughts, right?

Lastly, I would like to thank Steve Cook for doing the unthinkable and getting pregnant. No wait, that’s just his expanding beer belly. All kidding aside (he’s fat), thank you Cook for being crazy enough to write four news reports in two weeks. And none of them sucked. Though I have no idea who those indy people are. Thank you Cook. And if you ever need a replacement for a Wednesday news report…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Go ask Slimmer!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that’s got your B-roll, the Small-For-All News Report. In today’s report, we recap the monumental 900th episode of Raw, speak on Nexus and NXT Season 3, mourn over Chris Jericho’s possible departure, reveal the Great Khali’s future girlfriend, and answer the question all TNA fans want to know. All this and no mention of Luna’s untimely death since it’s a sad situation.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

N Plans

First off, rumors persist that the Nexus will be disbanded in October. In Randle’s news report yesterday, he included the Bragging Rights poster which definitely has a Nexus slant. I would not be surprised if there is some sort of stipulation in the main event which will lead to Nexus’s dismantling.

As good as Nexus has been (and really, they have carried Raw since June), the WWE has historically done a poor job with stables (Legacy, the Alliance, etc) unless Triple H was a part of it (Evolution and the original DX were two of the better stables). And while Wade Barrett is clearly the leader of the group, I am not sure he is ready to be WWE Champion yet. If so, Nexus has a purpose being around (keeping the title on Barrett). If not, then really, it’s either time for Nexus to add some new blood (Husky Harris, Mr Perfect Jr) or go on their separate ways.

Second, the third season of NXT should be announced during tomorrow’s second season finale. Most reports state that the 3rd season will comprise of 4 male and 4 female rookies.

It would not be surprising for Season 3 to be the finale NXT season. In addition to the fact that NXT is canceled once Smackdown moves to SyFy, it appears that the WWE is running out of rookies (hence why there will only be 4 males in the next group). The WWE has already showcased 16 rookies in the first two seasons, with many already getting a roster spot (instead of just one). It would not be surprising if the majority of the season 2 rookies also gain a roster spot so really, how many more rookies can the WWE introduce in one year? Plus now we get a new wimmenz winner for season 3.

Jericho Island

From the Observer, “In an update on Chris Jericho’s contract status with World Wrestling Entertainment, his current deal — which was signed in 2007 — expires in a few weeks and he has yet to sign a new one. While both sides are negotiating a new deal, it is not guarantee that he will remain with the company.”

No wonder Chris Jericho has threatened that he will be leaving again if he does not win the WWE Championship at Night of Champions. It would be a shame if Jericho were to leave as not many can touch his mic skills and wrestling ability in the company. Throw in the fact that he is one of the most versatile wrestlers in the WWE – he can go from main eventing to putting over a newcomer to having an enjoyable IC/Tag Team championship reign and so forth. It would be a huge loss if Jericho were to leave in September. Dare I say, it would be the WWE’s Downfall?

The Punjabi Princess?

From Lords of Pain, “There are rumors that WWE has signed or is close to signing female independent wrestler Isis The Amazon to a developmental deal. Isis is 6 foot 9 inches and besides indy wrestling, has done some modeling and acting work. Isis also has participated in a week-long evaluation at WWE’s FCW developmental territory.”

We all thought Nicole Bass was huge but Isis has seven inches on her. That’s pretty fucking impressive and scary all at the same time. Now if the WWE does sign her, will she have to go through NXT or is there a roster spot ready for the future Mrs. Khali? One day the Punjabi Prince needs to find his Princess. My God, that could be a WWE movie starring Khali, Isis, and Santino Marella as Donkey. Genius! Anyway here’s a picture of her:

DAMN.

BIten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

The decision to go from the Unified Tag Team Championship to the WWE Tag Team Championship was due to it being easier to pass through airports with only one set of belts.

Now if only they could unify the Women’s Championships.

Tiffany might be returning if she is not charged with any wrongdoing.

Smackdown has not been the same without the former ECW GM. Plus, Drew McIntrye needs to be emasculated again backstage.

Lita and Trish Stratus will be working on a new wrestling movie that will pay tribute to Mexican Lucha Libre.

The last time somebody tried a Lucha Libre wrestling movie, we were left with Wrestlemaniac starring Rey Mysterio and Leyla Milani.

Monumental opening for a monumental 900th edition of Raw. It’s sad that they only promoted a LayCool vs. Melina match.

New logo? New logo? New logo? Whammy? No Whammy!

I’d be remiss in mentioning that I passed three WWE trucks heading into Boston on Sunday. On the back of each truck was a picture of Eve, Drew McIntyre, and Jack Swagger. Clearly, the “Who’s Who” of the WWE!

Bret Hart kicks off the program and immediately challenges the only other wrestler that has been around for 17 years – the Undertaker! Is Bret Hart crazy, stupid?

Thank goodness, it’s only Kane. He won’t try to kill Bret Hart.

It’s amazing how good the Undertaker looks after 17 years. Especially when he is standing next to Bret Hart and Michael Cole (who looks really fucking old)!

Bret Hart vs. the Undertaker is scheduled for tonight. Looks like Lloyds of London is going on Cash Cab tonight.

So Domino’s newest ad campaign revolves around their fuckups. First with the taste of their pizza and now, with cheese stuck to the top of the box. I appreciate the honesty, I really do. Hell, I wish other ads would take on a similar approach. Just imagine…

M. Night Shyamalan used to make good movies. But then he made Lady in the Water and that Airbender piece of shit. However, he’s back with a movie that will make you forget about the Happening – DEVIL!

Okay, perhaps, advertisers should stick to lying.

Kaval and Daniel Bryan in the ring together! ROHGASM!!!

Fun triple threat tag match. The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan should be a heated match at Night of Champions. It’s by far the longest running feud in the WWE (six months) if you do not count Kane vs. Taker.

LayCool vs. Melina and Eve! You know what’s time for? It’s time to take my talents to South Beach!!!

And by the time I found that picture, the match was over. Yes, at Night of Champions, we go back to one women’s championship – great decision, Lay Cool!

Woah, Skip Sheffield broke his ankle. Now who’s going to be throwing clotheslines like they are going out of style?

Boston really gets a lot of WWE love – in the past year, it’s hosted both the 900th episode of Raw and the 10th Anniversary Smackdown special. Here’s to you, Beantown!

God, I hope Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler do not last another 900 episodes – my ears cannot take it.

“Dashing” Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntrye on Monday Night Raw. Greatest Raw Ever!

Three JR references in the last minute. Either he’s coming back or Vince McMahon is in a friendly mood right now.

Jeez, that match did not last long. I understand that it’s a pretty important episode but can’t we at least get a three minute match tonight?

Can you say “delouse” on network TV? Wade Barrett needs some Orbit gum.

Fun with lights!!! Now, the Nexus looks strong again.

SWAGGER!!!

Swagger vs. Evan Bourne – that match has not happened since March. And sadly, both are in the same place they were back then. And just like old time’s sake, Swagger reigns victorious.

I do not know why Del Rio was so pissed off he had to take off his mask. If he was still wearing it, his push would have resembled the Ultimo Dragon. Now, he is taking out Rey Mysterio and Evan Bourne. Not too shabby.

Woah, a Mankind reference on Monday Night Raw. Man, the WWE must not really think TNA is that much competition anymore.

“Do you know who I am better then?” says CM Punk. Kanyon says I.

Katie Vick reference! This Raw has been hugely entertaining at least to me.

STONE COLD! STONE COLD! BAH GAWD! STONE COLD! Oh snap, CM Punk is playing a joke on all of us. By the way, Punk is easily the best talker in the business. Can someone get this man a real main event push? How about at WrestleMania?

Okay, that Big Show/Punk segment went three minutes too long. They easily could have given some of that time to any of the matches that previously occurred in the show.

Kurt Angle on Raw? In a highlight package? Damn, it’s crazy to see how many superstars have come and gone.

Okay, it’s 11PM and the main event is just starting. Either it’s going to be an epic rush job or we are going long tonight.

And in the first minute, Chris Jericho walks out and Edge gets himself DQ’d. Lovely.

The fuck? Nexus just cleanly eliminated the WWE Champion. Why the fuck did this not happen at Summerslam (and I don’t mean with Sheamus, I mean a clean pin).

Nexus has eliminated Cena! Again, why did this not happen at Slam? I’m shocked. And Nexus wins, cleanly. Wow.

Entertaining 900th edition of Raw. Even though none of the matches were of much quality (the opening triple threat tag match is easily MOTN), the show was damn enjoyable. Between classic Raw clips, jabs at Katie Vick and the Mean Street Posse, and a shocking conclusion, it was a good show. Now with the Nexus having clean wins over Orton, Cena, and Sheamus, will it be time to anoint Wade Barrett as the next WWE Champion? Because after tonight’s convincing win, I can see it happening.

THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

No more indy wrestling here, kids. But judging by the obscene video I have embedded below, you might want Soldier Ant and some Japanese guy to return next week.

I’d say it’s NSFW but honestly, it’s probably NSFA. God, you must love that I’m back.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED?

Have you seen Delicious Pretty Ricky recently? Personally, I have not seen him since last July when he was kicked out of a WWE Arena. And only until recently, did I even remember ever witnessing Pretty Ricky. But it’s been a year since his last appearance and I only think it’s suitable for him to find his way on a milk carton. If you have seen Delicious Pretty Ricky, please contact your local authorities or comment below.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Unsolved Mysteries

Every once in a while I try to see what real fans are saying about sports entertainment. So I go to my favorite Q&A website (okay, my second favorite compared to Ask411) and see what’s up? Here’s the latest I found on everyone’s favorite superstar, Rob Van Dam.

Yes, RVD is died. Thank Goodness the WWE went PG because I doubt Linda McMahon could have gotten away with murder at this time.

Seriously though, I really cannot believe that someone asked that question. But I am glad they did.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Tune in next week as we take a look at my upcoming Fantasy Football Draft! Who says you are not interested in my personal life?

Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!