Thursday Sports Entertainment News Report 08.09.12

Greetings, folks, and welcome to another edition of Thursday Sports Entertainment! My 5-year old daughter, The Awesome Ladybug Girl, gets the week off, even though we did watch her first ever episode of SmackDown together. She insisted on watching even though she was tired and mostly sat silent throughout the proceedings. Highlights include:

– Thinking Booker T and Mr. T were related (She knows Mr. T as the voice of our GPS and as the star of Old Navy t-shirt commercials)

– Repeatedly calling Dolph Ziggler “Shake-a-butt Guy”

– Professing her allegiance to Sheamus – and thought that when he was wrenching Tensai’s arm, that they were dancing and Sheamus was “spinning him (Tensai) like a girl.”

Thanks to everyone for the kind words regarding Victoria’s first foray into the Wacky World of Wrestling. (Now there’s a name for a WWE Saturday Morning show if I’ve ever heard one). And last week was historic because it gave us the debut of a creature that’s 50% man, 50% crustacean, yet 100% terrifying…the BROCK LOBSTER!

WORLD (WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT) NEWS TONIGHT

Kevin Nash gave an interview as part of a story on him where he took a critical stance against smaller wrestling stars, noting his opinion that Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero becoming world champions was the end of the industry.

“When Benoit and Guerrero hugged [at the end of WrestleMania XX], that was the end of the business,” he said. “Has business been the same since that WrestleMania? Has it come close to the Austin era? Has it come close to the NWO or the Hogan era? You put two fucking guys that were great workers that were the same height as the fucking referees, and I’m sorry, man. Are you going to watch a porno movie with a guy with a three-inch dick? Even if you’re not gay, you will not watch a porno movie with a guy with a three-inch dick. That’s not the standard in porno films. So you put a 5-foot-7 guy as your world champion.”

Nash took the analogy to current main eventers C.M. Punk and Daniel Bryan as well, noting, “They are not bigger than life. I bet they could both walk through airports and not be noticed unless they have a gimmick shirt on and the belt.”

The problem with Kevin Nash’s opinion is that it has a few grains of truth embedded within it. Has the wrestling boom of the Austin & nWo era ever been matched? Nope. Are CM Punk and Daniel Bryan recognizable as wrestlers to the non-fan? Nope. So in that sense, he’s right.

However, to imply that guys like Benoit, Guerrero, Punk and Bryan “killed” the business is absurd. They were/are the top guys during a period of relative decline, but as Chris Jericho rightly tweeted, so was Kevin Nash! Sure, size adds to the believability aspect, but Shawn Michaels was voted the #1 WWE superstar of all time by his peers, and he isn’t recognizable as a wrestler either. People don’t tune in to wrestling to see big guys fight, they tune in to be entertained. Austin & Hogan are two of the most charismatic wrestlers of all time, and there won’t be another boom period until WWE finds entertainers of their caliber that can tap into the zeitgeist.

Kevin Nash is entitled to his opinion, and, as the old saying goes: “Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.” And in this case, Kevin Nash’s opinion is exactly like his asshole: It’s exaggerated, involves smaller men and is full of shit.

WWE developmental has drastically changed in recent months, due to Triple H taking it over earlier in the year. It is said that Vince McMahon is almost completely hands off, and is giving Triple H a chance to carry on with his own vision of WWE developmental.

The reason that the new NXT is not being aired locally in Florida is because the company feels it will lower the value of the show. They eventually want to sell it as a national show or even feature it on the WWE network.

Interesting concept. Triple H gets to control his own mini-WWE sandbox to get some management experience before the keys to the kingdom are handed over to McMahon/Helmsley 2.0. And let’s face it, WWE developmental has been in desperate need of an overhaul for a long time coming. Their strategy seemed to be:

1. Take a crop of young kids
2. Teach them the bare minimum
3. Give them the same look
4. Endow them with generic, trademarkable names
5. Throw them on TV
6. Hope for the best

In some cases, it worked (Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne), mainly because those guys had moves like Jagger. In other cases, it bombed big time (Braden Walker, Gunner Scott, Bam Neely, Gavin Spears, Ryan Braddock, Colin Delaney, etc.)

I also agree with the idea of keeping NXT off the air until it has a more appropriate platform for distribution. In the meantime, they can iron out all the kinks so the show will be ready for primetime when it’s, um, ready for primetime. You know what I mean.

WWE officials think that Jinder Mahal has potential to be a top heel in the company. The WWE is looking to strengthen its position in India, and with Great Khali’s career likely winding down, Mahal could be a big asset for the company.

With WWE looking to become a truly global company, it makes a bucket of sense to feature ethnic SuperStars more prominently on the broadcast. Now they just need to build Mahal properly. Having him run away from Ryback or get his ass handed to him by Kane & The Undertaker isn’t going to make him a big deal in India. My suggestion would be to create a new show for the International audience that shows guys like Sheamus, Yoshi Tatsu, Jinder Mahal, that new French guy Tom La Ruffa, etc. as the top draws. Perhaps give it an Olympic feel, where countries compete tournament-style for national pride. Your winner is the one whose country will draw you the most money. This approach will not only broaden WWE’s international appeal, but also give them some content to air on the WWE Network. Win-win! Another suggestion: get a Chinese guy on there, stat. With 1.3 billion customers in a country with a lot of money, it can’t hurt to give them someone to root for.

Rumors are floating that Brock Lesnar and Ryback got into a physical altercation at Raw this afternoon. The rumor is that the two got after each other during a rehearsal for Lesnar’s segment tonight.

Sources at the show however say that nothing like that happened and there was no confrontation, physical or otherwise.

So did it happen or didn’t it? I like to think that we live in a world where Brock and Ryback tussled in the back (not a euphemism). Sadly, there are too many unanswered questions, like what started it? Who won? What was the fallout?

Oh well, we can only speculate. So let’s take this topic and have some fun with it. Whom would you pick to win in a fight between Brock & The Ryback? Brock was recently UFC Heavyweight Champion, so we know he’s a legit badass. But don’t count out The Ryback either. He’s a huge specimen, and looks like he can handle somebody like Brock. Let’s go to the tale of the tape:

Name	Brock Lesnar	The Ryback
Billed Height	6’4″	6’3″
Billed Weight	294 lbs	291 lbs
Age	35	30

Wow, I never realized just how similar they are in their height and weight. Only 1″ separates them in size and 3 lbs in weight, so that’s effectively a wash. Ryback is five years younger than Lesnar, but while many people may consider a younger age to be an advantage, in this case, I would have to disagree. Brock spent those five extra years training for and participating in legitimate MMA fighting, and that experience, in my opinion, gives the nod to Brock. Unless The Ryback has a wealth of martial arts knowledge that I don’t know about, I’d put my money on Brock Lobster for the win.

What do you think, readers? Who would win in a knock-down, drag-out, no holds barred FIGHT between The Ryback and The Brock Lobster?

JTG posted the following on Twitter during Raw:

The camel’s back just broke. I had enough of this.

As a pro athlete, I’m tired of my locker room brothers being taken advantage of Fans have no idea what we go through.

Yeah, I said it. Nobody wants to speak up, everybody’s afraid of losing their job of getting taken off TV.

It appears as if JTG’s rant was triggered by the payout for WrestleMania 28 coming in. While WrestleMania 28 was billed as a record setting event and big money maker, it appears as if bonuses for the event were less than expected.

Several mid-card performers were reportedly frustrated about this, but are afraid to speak up due to fear of losing their jobs.

Prior to Raw going on the air, talent was keeping their distance from JTG, due to the Twitter rant that he posted. Following Raw’s end, JTG was reportedly approached by WWE officials, who asked what he was upset about and if he was all right.

Oh, JTG, you loveable fool. Were you even a part of WrestleMania? (Checks WM28 card to be sure…) Nope! This fellow decided to publicly air his grievances of fair pay while the boss’s wife is running for US Senate. Here’s my prediction of what will happen:

1. WWE officials hear him out. Perhaps a special meeting will be called
2. They will assure him that things will be better, urging him to be patient as they have big plans for him
3. The November election passes, Linda loses
4. JTG is wished well in his future endeavors

Even if JTG has a legitimate complaint, the fact that he made it public is enough to condemn him to the indys. This is a matter that should have been handled internally, in a professional manner. Oh, and JTG, if you’re wondering where all the WrestleMania money went, go ask the Rock.

Paul Heyman’s current deal with WWE is rumored to expire at Summerslam, but it is felt that he will continue to work with WWE alongside Brock Lesnar after the PPV.

The feeling is that when Brock Lesnar’s contract expires, that WWE will offer him a contract extension. Some feel that it will be costly for WWE to do so, but the company feels that they can utilize Lesnar to sell more high profile matches beyond WrestleMania as well as continue to help put over other WWE talents in feuds with Lesnar.

Call me crazy, but I’m much more excited at the prospect of having Heyman around than Lesnar. Heyman is a master of the build – a true visionary when it comes to raising the emotional stakes of a feud. Remember the buildup to Lesnar vs Cena? We got rambling promos from Brock that made John Laurinitis look like the Rock by comparison. While the match between Cena & Lesnar was aces, the buildup and aftermath were atrocious. With a guy like Heyman around, you’re guaranteed that such poor hype for a Lesnar match will never be allowed again.

As for Brock, I’m all for bringing him back if the value is there. However, the WWE’s history in getting value out of the Lesnar deal is suspect, at this point. We’re four months into Brock’s current return, and he’s had only one match – a loss to John Cena. Let’s assume Lesnar is getting a steady paycheck – in other words, we can calculate his monthly earnings by taking his one year, $5 million contract and dividing by 12.

So $5,000,000/12 = $416,667 that Brock earns per month.

Brock has been with WWE 4 months so far, so he’s earned $416,667 * 4 or $1,666,668 thus far.

In other words, Brock has been paid almost $1.7 million to date…to put over John Cena, the one guy who didn’t need the rub.

And his match with HHH doesn’t do anyone any good, either. Think Brock needs the rub from HHH or vice-versa? Not only that, his rumored WrestleMania opponents are the Rock and the Undertaker, both of whom are well established. So what value is WWE really getting for their $5 million?

If WWE decides to bring back the Lobster for another year, they’ll have to have him appear weekly and wrestle more often. They also can’t have him face guys that are already main eventers for life. Have him lose to Sheamus, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, etc. If he’s going to win, he should be beating John Cena and HHH so that his losses mean more to the up-and-coming talent.

What say you, readers? Should WWE bring back Brock for another year? How should they use him?

Zack Ryder posted the following on Twitter today…

“I’m pretty sure I’m the 2nd most followed person on @Tout. In other news, I was in the 2nd match taped for @WWE Superstars this week. #huh?”

As much as I admire Zack Ryder for his tireless work ethic and never-give-up attitude, he sure likes to complain a lot. Zack, babydoll, there’s better ways of letting management know you want more TV time. The way you’re doing it makes you look like a spoiled, entitled bitch. Take a cue from your buddy Dolph Ziggler. In his interviews, he never says “I want more TV time! I’m popular!” No! He says “I take the opportunities I’m given and make the most of them. Even if they give me 2 minutes I make damn sure I steal the show and that everyone is watching to see what Dolph Ziggler does next.” See what he’s doing there? He’s communicating that he wants to EARN his way to the main event, that he doesn’t want anything to be handed to him. People respect that. You know what they don’t respect? Guys who think that because they get some hits on YouTube that they deserve a top spot. Zack, my man, your character may be an airhead, but that doesn’t mean you have to be one, too.

ROASTING THE ORANGE GOBLIN

In the buildup to the Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne Barr, the network has been airing some of their prior celebrity roasts. One such event was the Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff, in which none other than Sports Entertainment icon Hulk Hogan was a featured guest. As is customary in such events, everyone on the dais got insulted along with The Hoff himself. I thought it would be fun to recap some of the better insults hurled at Hogan, who, at the time, just came off a nasty divorce. So, without further ado, here are the barbs that caused Hogan to swear off Comedy Central roasts forever!

Pamela Anderson: I’m really thrilled Hulk Hogan is here, because every roast needs a dumb blonde with huge tits

Jeffrey Ross: Hulk Hogan, you look like Dog the Pastrami Hunter

Lisa Lampinelli #1: Hulk Hogan became the world champion by escaping the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch. Now if you could only escape your wife’s camel toe you’d be a lot richer!

Lisa Lampinelli #2: (Cupping her hand to her ear in a Hogan-like pose) Listen. That’s the sound of a 19-year old’s balls hitting your wife’s chin!

George Hamilton: When I look at the dais it’s obvious that this roast needs me. I’m the only man up here that can pull off an ascot. Well, Hulk Hogan can pull off an ascot, but let’s be honest, he’s more likely to pull off his trousers and silk thong first. (Silence). Perhaps I’m being a tad subtle here, Hulk…I’m calling you a fag.

Seth McFarlane: Hulk, later on when these jokes are explained to you, you’re gonna be so pissed.

David Hasselhoff: Hulk has been wrestling for over three decades…with his sexuality.

But wait! There’s more! I’ve found some BONUS Hogan jokes that didn’t make it to air. Courtesy of Whitney Cummings:

Whitney Cummings #1: (To Jeffrey Ross) I wouldn’t fuck you if I was Hulk Hogan and you were Brooke Hogan

Whitney Cummings #2: [Hulk,] your daughter Brooke inherited a lot from you: her blonde hair, her tan skin, her dick…

Ouch! Poor Hulkster. After that experience, Hulk Hogan vowed never to appear on any more celebrity roasts, citing the fact that his kids should be “out of bounds.” I completely agree with the Hulkster on this one. These are his children, and he’s gone out of his way to keep his family life PRIVATE! For years he’s been keeping his kids AWAY FROM THE CAMERAS so that they don’t become public figures eligible for scrutiny and ridicule. The LAST THING that Hulk would want is to have countless hours of footage of his adult offspring for public consumption, making them household names and eligible targets at a roast. Right?

DEADSPIN’S VIRGILBAG

I’ve recently discovered that sports site Deadspin has their own wrestler encounters section called “Virgilbag,” in which readers recount their run-ins with professional wrestlers. They use the term “Virgilbag” after former WWE & WCW Superstar Virgil, who seems to be omnipresent at card shows, sneakily hawking his wares upon unsuspecting fans. The Virgilbag stories are a great read for wrestling fans and I highly recommend you check them out. I’ve posted one here to give you a taste, so head on over to Deadspin if you like what you read:

[From] Steve:

I was working a show in Chattanooga, Tenn, that featured many former superstars and some up-and-coming ones as well. On this card was “Grandmaster Sexay” Brian Christopher (Lawler…yes, Jerry’s kid). After the match (he won of course, being a former WWF Superstar/Tag Team Champion has it’s perks…) he did his usual post match dance schtick. He brought a young boy who had an obvious mental handicap of some sort up into the ring with him, placed his goggles (those “used to be in-style with morons” ski goggles from the ’90s) on the boy’s head and did the dance with him.

After the show, the family stopped me and thanked me and asked that I pass on their thanks to Brian for making their son’s night a treat. The son still had the goggles on his head and a beaming smile that was
pure joy and awesomeness. So I run backstage and pass the message on to Brian. What I heard in response still shocks me to this day.

“Hey, go get those goggles back. Those things were like, $50 and I have to have them back. I don’t care if you rip them off his goddamned head, go get them now!”

What I did was I asked the family if they would like to meet Brian Christopher, had them wait outside the locker room, and told Brian, “Dickhead, they’re outside the door. You want the damned goggles back so much, you get them.” And proceeded to wave the family in the room, leaving him and the kid.
When the family came out, the kid was sans goggles.

What a jerk, eh? Jerry Lawler would never have done that. The King would let the kid keep the goggles, but keep the kid’s older sister around for a bit, ifyaknowwhatImean. Virgilbag stories are chock full of entertaining encounters, where the wrestlers range from the nicest guys on the planet to huge a**holes that couldn’t care less about their fans. Give the Virgilbag a read today!

YOU’RE IN FOR A REAL TWEET

And of course, follow all the 411 stuff on Twitter! #spon

http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma

SIGNING OFF

That’ll do it for another week. Thanks for making Thursday Sports Entertainment your go-to destination for all your Sports Entertainment-related news & opinions. Tune in next week as we discuss Linda McMahon’s cannibalism habit. (Card subject to change).

Hasta Jueves,

This is Sean.