Thursday Sports Entertainment News Report 10.17.13: The One Shot Deal

Greetings, folks, and welcome to Thursday Sports Entertainment!

Hi everybody! For those of you new to the site, I’m Sean Kelly, and I used to write a weekly Thursday news report ‘round these here parts. I had to enter a state of semi-retirement when I got more responsibilities at work & home, but man did I miss writing for y’all. I’m not back permanently by any means, but I had some free time and figured what the heck? There’s no news report on Thursdays right now and I know my readers miss me like they miss John Cena during an absence – so here I am! Unfortunately, this is less John Cena returning and more of an RVD One Shot Deal™- but I does what I can, ya know? With luck, I’ll be able to pop in here and there every once in a while. So let’s get to it!

WORLD (WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT) NEWS TONIGHT

Originally, WWE was only planning to have one Hell in a Cell match at the upcoming Hell in a Cell PPV. Vince McMahon decided to make the CM Punk vs. Ryback and Paul Heyman match a cell match. This was because he felt the match needed more intrigue, especially since they did a similar match last month with Punk vs. Heyman and Curtis Axel.

I agree that the cell stipulation will add intrigue to the Punk/Heyman feud. It ostensibly keeps Curtis Axel out of the ring and Heyman trapped inside. What I don’t understand is why Punk would choose this particular stipulation. Don’t get me wrong, it kind of makes sense, but for someone who’s supposed to be so smart and subversive it’s kind of underwhelming. I would have thought that Punk would have made a stipulation along the lines of “CM Punk vs. Ryback & Heyman Hell in a Cell with Ryback in an evening gown with both arms tied behind his back and Colt Cabana as special referee.” Now which match do you find more interesting?

At this time, it appears that Hulk Hogan will re-sign with TNA Wrestling. TNA began airing advertisements for Bound for Glory that featured Hogan earlier this week.

Hogan reached out to WWE and they reportedly offered him less money than what TNA was willing to give him. According to sources, The Rock and Brock Lesnar make more in a match than what Hogan will make in a year at TNA. It appears that once Hogan found that out, that he made the call to stay with TNA.

I know I’m probably in the minority on this one, but that’s too bad. As annoying as the Hulkster can be, the 8-year old Hulkamaniac in me would love to see him come home to WWE. If used properly, he could be both a creative and financial boon. While I’m not sure Hogan’s ego would allow him to, say, become a full time manager instead of a main event player, he could have a lot to offer McMahon & Co.

While the thought might make the internet apoplectic, imagine the impact a Hulk Hogan vs. John Cena billboard would have for drawing WrestleMania or SummerSlam viewership. Whether you like it or not, those are two of the biggest mainstream names that have never faced off on a grand stage. If WWE were serious about creating intrigue, then their best bet would be to bring in Hulk Hogan and have him face (and lose to) John Cena. Don’t believe me? Recall the recent newsbite:

The line for people to get pictures with Hulk Hogan at the New York ComicCon event was said to be “ridiculously long”

The man can still draw a crowd. Probably one of the few wrestling personalities that could draw as big of a crowd would be John Cena. And I bet there’s very little overlap between those two crowds. Think about it. From a workrate perspective the match would be horrendous, but it’s pure spectacle, baby, and that’s what WWE is all about.

At this time, a few members of the WWE Creative team have been coming up with ideas for a potential match between Goldberg and Ryback for WrestleMania XXX. Nothing is official at this time, but both sides are still open to the possible return.

This seems like overreaching to me. Goldberg has a new DVD out, fans chant “Goldberg” at Ryback, Goldberg and Ryback comment on each other – so of course now comes the speculation that they will be having a match. I don’t think WWE plans this far, though. It’s one of those things that kind of gets put out there with the hopes of it actually happening. Like how Mick Foley successfully parlayed a twitter rumor into a Hall of Fame induction at MSG.

But let’s play ball for a minute. This entire scenario depends on the mindset of Goldberg. Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine you were one of the biggest names in wrestling during its biggest boom period. You were a monster in the ring, people wore your t-shirts and chanted your name. You were world champion back when that statement meant something. Your legacy is intact and people remember you as one of the biggest characters of wrestling’s heyday.

Now you’re being courted to wrestle, and probably lose to, a guy that is NOT any of those things. Ryback is not a huge name. He is not a former world champion. He’s had so many starts and stops his career is less muscle car and more beat up jalopy. People chant your name at him – not in a good way – because they think he’s a cheap knockoff of your character. How would you feel about this? Would you be enticed into taking this match?

Honestly, the only way I see Goldberg doing this is if he gets a big pile of money. But I don’t think that is happening, either. This isn’t the main event of WrestleMania XXX, it’s not even the 3rd highest match on the card. No, I doubt Goldberg would be willing to cash a relatively small check to job to a cheap imitation without any clear prospects.

DDP-RELATED TANGENT

There were a few DDP-related stories this week, including how Jake “the Snake” Roberts has been clean of cocaine for over a year, and how Arn Anderson once told DDP that he’d never be a top guy. I just want to say that a Hall of Fame nomination would not be enough of recognition for DDP. He deserves nothing less than a wrestling-equivalent of sainthood. DDP is helping thousands of people, having a great time, and providing inspiration for wrestling fans the world over. I can’t believe that people like him exist, but I am so happy they do.

I don’t know Jake Roberts or Scott Hall. But I really hope they stay clean. I don’t know why I care what happens to them. I’ve said some harsh things about addiction before, but it is a constant battle. I hope like hell they choose to stay on the straight and narrow and can live healthy, fulfilling lives.

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming. I’ll take you from the inspirational highs of people working to better themselves to the ultimate in fanboy finickiness.

GENERAL NITPICKING

There are a bunch of small things that bother me in WWE programming these days. Three things stand out the most for me, and I thought I would share them with you. These are the small, stupid things that only a dope with little semblance of a life would care about. So yes, I am fully self aware in that respect, thankyouverymuch. Here they are:

1) People mispronounce the word “championship” so often that I am more surprised when it doesn’t happen. It’s champion-ship (like a boat) not “champion-chip” (like a cookie). I don’t know why this bothers me, but it does. I told you – nitpicking at its finest.

2) I’ve mentioned this one before, but it bears repeating. It irritates me when WWE advertises “anniversaries” of something. For example, I’m sure that next year you’ll be hearing all about the “30th anniversary of WrestleMania.” But there’s only one problem – it’s NOT the 30th anniversary of WrestleMania. It’s the 30th EDITION of WrestleMania. WrestleMania was an event held on March 31st, 1985. The 30th anniversary of WrestleMania will be on March 31st, 2015. See the difference? Sigh, moving on…

3) This one annoys me like no other. It’s so nitpicky yet irritates me so much that I saved it for last. And it’s the phrase “The WWE.” People should not be saying “The WWE” unless it’s followed by a noun, like Champion or C.O.O. For example, “Triple H is the WWE C.O.O.” That makes sense to me. But when wrestlers say something like “Everyone in the WWE will bow before me!” it drives me crazy.

The problem is that the E in WWE stands for “Entertainment.” Entertainment is an abstract concept. It’s not a thing. You abbreviate something to avoid saying it outright, but the longer version is still in there. Let’s restate that earlier sentence but spell out the words that WWE stands for:

“Everyone in the World Wrestling Entertainment will bow before me!”

Sounds kind of silly, right?

I can see why this is common. The old initials, WWF – short for World Wrestling Federation – worked well when preceded by the word “the.” Like:

“Everyone in the World Wrestling Federation will bow before me!”

But those days are long gone. WWF has been WWE for well over a decade. It’s time to start saying the company’s name properly. It also sucks that WWE doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as WWF. Just ask Chris Jericho, who pronounces the company’s name “dubba-dubba-eeeee.”

So please, Sports Entertainment Superstars of WWE, learn how to say your company’s name properly.

See? Nitpicky.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Have you ever watched the Red Letter Media reviews of the Star Wars Prequels? They’re a hilarious, but long, series of reviews that absolutely eviscerate George Lucas’s Star Wars backstories. I was thinking about them the other day and a cool little experiment they conducted popped into my head.

The scenario was as follows: The reviewer, “Mr. Plinkett,” sat down some fans/friends and asked them to describe the traits of a particular character. They were not allowed to name the actor who played the role, how the character contributed to the plot, or how they interact with other characters. They had to describe the actual character of the character. For example, here are some character names and the types of responses he got:

Han Solo
Rogue. Smartass. A real friend but doesn’t like to show it. Adventurous. Street-smart, etc.

C-3PO
Prissy know-it-all. Fussy. Helpful but annoying. Drama queen.

Those are some fully developed characters, right? I’m sure a lot of those descriptions would come to mind for you if you were asked the same questions. Mr. Plinkett drove the point home when he asked about some Episode I characters, and the responses were along the lines of…

Qui Gon Jinn
(crickets). Um, serious?

Queen Amidala
Dry. Spoiled?

See the difference between the two trilogies? The first had rich, deep characters. You could describe almost anyone’s character traits in detail, even down to second stringers like Lando Calrissian. Now compare that to the prequels where almost no one has a fully developed character. That’s a huge reason why many perceive the original trilogy to be vastly superior to the prequels.

What a subtle but important observation. Now let’s take that and apply it to wrestling. After all, WWE RAW is aired on the USA network, and their slogan is “Characters Welcome.” Let’s play by similar rules as the Star Wars challenge. I’ll say a wrestler, and you describe only the personality traits of that wrestler. You can’t mention how they wrestle or any relationship they have with other characters. Surely WWE has a bevy of memorable, unique characters to offer?

As it turns out, there certainly are a number of memorable characters in WWE. For example:

John Cena
Boy scout. Never gives up. Does not back down from a challenge. Loyal to his fans and friends. Superman in a wrestling ring.

Sure, his character hasn’t changed in the last 10 years, and it’s not a particularly original or riveting character, but at least he has one! It’s very simplistic, which is probably why it has mass appeal, especially to kids. It’s pretty much the same character Hulk Hogan played during his WWF heyday. Cena is the Jay Leno of wrestling characters – wide audience, little depth.

CM Punk
Loud mouthed, sarcastic, straight edge smartass. Has a superiority complex that may be well-earned. Loyal to his small circle of friends. Impatient but disciplined. Has a low tolerance for things that annoy him. Doesn’t care what other people think.

Punk’s character is more distinct and well developed, but only within the last few years. It’s more complex and interesting than Cena’s character, but still has wide appeal because a lot of how he behaves is how most people wish they could act in real life. To extend the Late Night analogy, Punk is the Letterman to Cena’s Leno.

But the main eventers aren’t the only ones with interesting characters.

Damien Sandow
Arrogant intellectual. Thinks his superior intelligence makes him better than everyone else. Not afraid to show how smart he is, and relishes in the stupidity of others. (Bill Mahr! Hey, this late night thing is kind of working).

Again, not a very original character, but Sandow makes it work. And the good news is that even some D-listers have really well-defined characters. We all love Heath Slater as the goofy, ginger, oblivious guy who tries really hard (Conan O’Brien!). And Zack Ryder (yep, he’s a D-lister right now) perfectly encapsulates the frat boy “bro” culture.

So we’re pretty good in the character development department, right? Well…not really. Some of the brightest stars of tomorrow are seriously lacking in the character department. Let’s take a gander:

The Shield
Notice how I lumped them all together into one unit, as opposed to listing them separately as Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. That’s because they all share the same personality. You could say that “the shield stands for justice!” but we all know that their definition of justice isn’t consistent and can be described as murky at best. I’ll give them a pass for now because they are supposed to be a team, and hopefully when they inevitably break up they’ll come out with some distinct characterization. But for now, you can swap their personalities entirely and no one would notice.

Kofi Kingston
Now there’s really no excuse for this one. The guy’s been on TV for six freakin’ years. At best, you can maybe say he’s “happy go lucky.” But what else is there? I certainly can’t think of anything obvious. I’m sure that some of you with longer memories than I can point to specific events a long time ago that showed some character development – and that’s great – but the point is that a character has to consistently display the traits that make them who they are in order to be memorable. Kofi is just your generic babyface, which is a damn shame.

Cody Rhodes
The current tag-team champion has certainly had the spotlight on him in recent times, but can you really say you know his character? He had the “dashing” thing going for a while, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside. Same thing for the mask gimmick he used to have. And besides, those were gimmicks, not characters. Maybe it’s because he recently turned face, but Cody doesn’t seem to have any memorable characterization that I can think of.

Dolph Ziggler
I know I’m gonna catch hell for this one. But it’s true. “He’s the show off!” you’ll say. Okay, great. He likes to show off. He’s a bit arrogant, but so are all the other heels. Take that away and what’s left? Nothing that makes him stand out as a character. He needs some depth before people can care about him.

Curtis Axel
Uhhhhhhh…..

I could go on. People remember the Attitude Era fondly, and I’m one of them, and I think it’s because they had a much richer roster of characters to watch every week. Hell, when Crash Holly is a better character than Kofi Kingston, we’ve got problems, people.

YOU’RE IN FOR A REAL TWEET

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SIGNING OFF

Thank you for making Thursday Sports Entertainment your go-to destination for Wrestling News, Opinions, etc. It’s nice to stop by the old stomping grounds, even if it’s only once in a while. Hope you enjoyed!

This is Sean.