VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review – ECW 07.04.06

VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review

ECW July 4th edition

No weekly review this week. Here’s some EC DUB to tide you over, chum.

It’s time to get very slightly XTREEM! Most of it being extreme disgust, probably. RVD and Sabu were busted for drugs a few days ago. Rob’s already been made to drop the WWE Title as punishment on Raw last night. Since the wellness program has been instituted after Eddie died, this is a big dilemma for the WWE. Suspending Sabu and RVD for this will positively cripple the new ECW, especially with Angle taking time off (he’s a wreck in every way, supposedly – and allegedly part of it has to do with * gasp * pain pills). But not visibly punishing them will make the whole wellness program look like a total sham.

As a fan, I don’t want to see RVD or Sabu off TV in any way. But I understand why the WWE would have to reprimand them in some fashion. What’s funny to me is I think the problem isn’t that they were on the road using pills and weed – it’s just that they got caught. The WWE CHAMPION (backburner champ though he may be) got caught with drugs!

One silver lining in all this is that there’s never, ever, ever been a better time to debut CM Punk. The straight edge promo writes itself.

Another interesting element to this show is that it’s being held in the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, the building Paul begged the ECW Arena fans to come to and be heard at. Will the hardcore fans show up? Will there be enough of them to be heard? And if so, will they rip this show a new one (god I hope so)?

Let’s see…

We open with Paul Heyman in a back office. He says that Rob did lose the WWE title, but then puts over his tough schedule. Big Show interrupts.. oh no. Show wants a title shot. Oh no.. he demands a shot tonight. Yikes. Show winning the ECW title tonight might just be the nail in the coffin.

Hat Guy is in the crowd! It’s time for Kelly to strip off an American flag shirt or something. The fact that they paid for this Pussycat Dolls song boggles my mind. Kelly dances and was using a chair.. it folds up and falls when she turns hahaha. Well at least she didn’t try to sit down without looking. Mike Knox puts an end to this to a bit of a cheer.

Mike Knox vs. Little Guido:

– Knox grabs a mic before the start. He’s interrupted by a “you suck dick” chant, followed by an ARENAWIDE “shut the fuck up” chant. After a few repetitions, production tries to mute the audio once, but then decide to let the expletives fly.

– Knox unloads some generic attacks, like a backbreaker.. it leads to a “You can’t wrestle” chant. Then the fans bust out a “Knox sucks cock” chant, which is far more entertaining than this squash.

– Some fans chant “boring” as Knox rolls out some bodyslams. One of Knox’s big moves is a jumping big boot.. that’s the WWE for you. He finishes with that lame twisting DDT that never gets over.

A drawn out squash. Why do they give a new guy such a stale offensive arsenal right out of the gate?

Winner: Mike Knox

Rob accosts Paul in his office. He says he wants Show tonight. Paul begs Rob not to do it. Man, I hope this is all a swerve.

Back from commercial.. Sci Fi’s gonna have a show to find the next big superhero with.. people dressed in costumes? What the hell?

Tony DeVito has a mic and is dressed like a preacher and talks about ECW’s filth. Paging Reverend D-Von. So is he gonna try to exorcise Fertig the Impaler or what? He calls the fans sinners and the fans cheer. He says the fans will burn in hell, and they cheer again. He says he’s not a man of the cloth and throws down his collar. OK then. “You suck dick” chant is immediately tuned down.

Sandman’s music hits… He poses for a bit, then comes for Devito. How come Sandman isn’t smoking? He drags Tony out of the crowd and canes him a few times. They gotta mix this gimmick up a little more. It’s gotten old really fast. Do a white Russian legsweep through a table or something.

RVD approaches Big Show backstage and accepts his challenge. He randomly SHOOT SLAPS him in there as well.

RVD is WALKING~! Paul comes up and questions his judgment. RVD says to be ECW champ he has to beat Big Show. Argh.

Test vs. Al Snow:

– Test comes out.. to groans. Hahaha. “You take steroids” chant hahaha. It’s the battle of Foley’s bitches.

– Test hits three HOSSy moves and pins Snow to groans. Styles puts it over like it was super-impressive. After, Test punts HEAD into the crowd. Ripping off Snitsky of all things.

Winner: Test

We see a hype video of Sabu, where he, yes, talks. He reminds us that he’s suicidal, homicidal and genocidal. Sabu talking, you’d think it’d be an event or something.

Outside.. It’s THE VAMPIRE! He spits blood at the camera. So I guess he fed on a hobo earlier in the evening and then kept swishing the blood around in his mouth until an ECW camera spotted him. Someone invite the guy in already. Wait. Don’t.

And backstage.. It’s CM PUNK! He says he’s straight edge. His addiction is wrestling. And that’s it. Christ. They don’t even put him in front of the one crowd that would give him a big intro pop.

ECW Title Match – Big Show vs. RVD©:

– They cut to commercial right after the ring intros. It’s only 10:41 EST so I guess this is going to go real long… Time for a Tommy Dreamer run-in, at least?

– “Marijuana” chant breaks out hahaha. Show hits a headbutt and gets a “You can’t wrestle” chant. Rob is crotched on the barrier. Ouch.. looked nasty.

– Big Show is in “hit one chop then wander for 20 seconds” mode.

– Show stops a Rob rally with a really bad-looking headbutt. Show superplexes Rob. As Show continues to dominate, a medium-sized “boring” chant breaks out. Show continues to wander-stomp-wander and another big “marijuana” chant breaks out.

– Show locks in a bearhug and the boos rain down. Show goes for the chokeslam but Rob converts it into a DDT. Show goes down real slowly and it doesn’t look good, but the crowd pops for it.

– Rob hits the rolling thunder. Rob goes for a top rope jumpkick, but Show catches him with one leg over his shoulder and tosses him out of the ring. Looked cool. Show grabs the EXTREME ring steps. Rob dodges, goes for a big air frogsplash out of the ring but Show catches him. Show slams him into the apron.

– Rob grabs a chair, but Show swats it down and hits the chokeslam. Rob kicks out! Crowd pops! Show cobra commander’s the ref. Show goes for a powerbomb, but Rob has the chair in hand and wails him with it! Awesome!

– Van Daminator, frogsplash. Heyman slides in. Here comes the swerve.. yep. Heyman counts 1, 2… then stops. Fans chant “you sold out”. Rob turns into a chairshot… chokeslam. Show covers for the 1, 2, 3. Crowd reaction: Light boos, then silence. Garbage and water bottles fly into the ring.

A WWE style bout, which means it was boring until the final third.

Winner: Big Show

The Heyman swerve reeks of desperation. Is there going to be a payoff worth sitting through a Big Show title reign? We’re going to have to sit through Show wrestling 10 minute main events! The hell with that. A TWWOOO out of FIVE.