The World According to Ron: Looking at A Revival, Revival

“Ron, you’re brilliant. Whoever the last Hardcore Champ was should return at Raw25 and put the title up for the run of the show. GOLD JERRY GOLD”

I thank you, Kung Fu Panda, but I’m not brilliant. Exceptional, maybe. Sharp-witted, possibly. Hyperintelligent, sure. But, brilliant? Well, if you say so…

Congratulations to the Jacksonville Jaguars and their fans in London, or Oakland, or wherever they may be moving. I didn’t want your team to beat the Steelers, but the Jaguars did, and did it well. At least when the Jaguars won, the Steelers fans didn’t have to wonder who Roger Goodell wanted to win the game.

Ahem.

So now, Jacksonville visits New England, with the winner going to the Super Bowl. Honestly, I want Minnesota to win. For one thing, the game is in Minnesota. Second, the Vikings have never won a Super Bowl, even though they appeared in four of the first twelve games, and none since. Third, the way they beat New Orleans on Sunday made me temporarily forget the Steelers game, so they must be a team of destiny, right?

Back to the Steelers for a moment, if I may. Jacksonville was leading 21-0 early in the second quarter, with the third touchdown coming off a Ben Roethlisberger fumble. Pittsburgh came back to lose 45-42, with Roethlisberger throwing for five touchdowns. When they pulled within 42-35 with about three minutes left, coach Mike Tomlin called for an onside kick, which naturally didn’t work, and the Jaguars kick a field goal to go up by ten with about two minutes to go. The defense had very few stops throughout the game.

So naturally, the team fires offensive coordinator Todd Haley. That makes sense, right?

The good news is, this means I can go to a Super Bowl party with a clean conscience. When the Steelers are in the Big Game, I can’t go to a party. I want to watch the game. I want to pay attention. I want nothing to do with people telling me about their week coming up at work, or how their kids are honor roll students, or any of that. During last year’s game, I went to a party at my friendly local game store, and played several games throughout the evening. Even the local Patriots fan gave up on the game halfway through the second quarter, not bothering to pay attention until it got close again with about five minutes left in the fourth quarter. After they won in overtime, naturally, he told everyone Brady planned it that way, and he wasn’t worried a bit, just like a fly-by-night Patriots fan.

In non-football news, a friend posted a video on Facebook about Nintendo’s new development with the Switch, called Labo. It looks like you construct things from special cardboard, insert the Switch, and — voila! — you have a fishing pole, or a piano, or many other different objects that aren’t electronic, but are.

https://youtu.be/P3Bd3HUMkyU

That looks good, but honestly, if I’m going to buy cardboard, I have a completely different type of cardboard in mind. I talked all about the cardboard I prefer to buy on Christmas Eve. But this looks cool, I admit.

GENERIC HEADING NUMBER ONE
This week on Raw, two words were spoken that have not been allowed on any McProgramming for many, many years.

(If you watched Raw with me in mind — and why would you? — you probably perked up when you heard this. I know I did.)

Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder finished their match, and Cookie Cutter Interviewer #3 came into the ring to ask which “old school” superstars they were excited to see at the 25th anniversary Raw show. “The New Age Outlaws? Shawn Michaels? Maybe Stone Cold Steve Austin?”

After correctly mocking her, Scott Dawson then said the magic words: “We’re not ‘sports entertainers.’ We are professional wrestlers.” Dash Wilder then said some things to back up that idea, but The Threshold had been crossed.

I know what you’re thinking. I thought the exact same thing. “The promos are all scripted,” you are thinking. “If they didn’t want him to say that, they wouldn’t have written it that way. He only called them “professional wrestlers” because the writers write the line, and Stephanie allowed it.”

And again, you’ve thought the magic word. Or rather, Magic Name. Stephanie McMahon is her Daddy’s Girl, in more than just a storyline way. As the head of the writing committee, do you really think that line would be used if she didn’t want it said? The term ‘sports entertainment’ has been used by her father’s company for over thirty years. If you watch a video of WWF Superstars from the mid-80s, at the very beginning of the show, after the mystical WWF logo floats in from space, the Booming Voice from Beyond says, “The Recognized Symbol of Excellence in Sports Entertainment.”

Obviously, this is not the end of “sports entertainment” as an entity. I will bet 35 cents (that’s what’s in my pocket right now) that not only will Dash and Dawson be cast as the bad guys in the future (no big surprise there, since that’s how they’ve been cast since early in their NXT days), but they will eventually reach some heights before being thoroughly and totally humiliated in the end by the Forces of Good, aka Sports Entertainers. After their final defeat, they will see the error of their ways, and turn into the children of Akeem the African Dream and Big Boss Man, or something ridiculous like that.

In fact, I’ll bet another 35 cents (I’ll find that somewhere, if I need to) that they will make some kind of appearance on Monday when DX is in the ring, saying the old play actors need to leave the ring while the real athletes, the Professional Wrestlers, are talking. Some people will cheer, while more will boo, and DX will superkick and crotch chop their way through The Revival, before Steve Austin comes with a couple KickWhamStunners to more cheers and beers.
Until their downfalls, however, they have gained a fan. They remind me, as they are meant to, of Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard from thirty years ago, and while the characters Dash and Dawson might appreciate that, they might like it if I go back a little further in time to Dusty Rhodes and Dick Murdoch, the Texas Outlaws. Two guys that see a fight and do not duck, but instead go head first into the maelstrom.

So, fight on, Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson! Show the current Universe what “old school” means to people old enough to have attended that school. I am hoping you will be able to acvoid injuries long enough to have several title reigns, and hopefully go down as one of the great teams in history, before you become The New Twin Towers.

GENERIC SPECIFIC HEADING NUMBER BANANA

“I now have a new avenue to watch TNAGFWIMPACTLSMFT, so they are now eligible for an explanation. To that end, “Ohio Versus Everybody?” I lived in Ohio for many years. There’s not much there for the rest of the country to be opposed to, except for the Browns and Bengals. So, what other states or countries deserve to have their own invading force? Explain THAT?!?”

Before I announce this week’s winner, I must say something about the Zoidberg/D2K feud (NOT “fued” — man, that cheeses me off something fierce) developing in this column: Keep it up, guys! However, no need to accuse each other of using performance-enhancing substances. There is no random testing here, so as long as you’re careful, I don’t care if you use turtle tranquilizers to come up with better stuff. Go at it all you want. I won’t pick favorites.

Anyhoo, this week’s winner is, um, D2Kvirus, but I promise I’m NOT picking favorites, Zoidberg! Really!

“Surely the Indian state of Canada could put together an invading force? Jinder Mahal as the leader, Akam as the muscle, the Singhs as the tag team, Tiger Ali Singh as the mouthpiece, and Jack Gallagher because all WWE stables have to have someone seemingly thrown in there at random.”

mjmoon29 gets an assist with his suggestion of Jack Gallagher as the British Raj, because, yes, wrestling can be edjamacational.

Next!

Paige has injurd her neck again, and is apparently retiring from in-ring action. She may continue to act as the ringside manager for Absolution, but she will not wrestle again. Who, then, should take her place in the ring for six-woman matches? Explain THAT?!?

Last!

#SavetheCrew

Ron