411’s WWE Smackdown Report 09.18.03

The opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author, and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Traditionally, a first column would require an introduction to me, why I’m a Rasslin’ fan, writing qualifications, assorted personal details, how glad I am to have this opportunity to be a 411Wrestling reporter, and all that good crap. Let’s get all that out of the way now…
Michael Melchor. Because the Four Horsemen ruled, the Von Erichs were royalty, and Andre the Giant defied nature. Writer, BackStage Pass Magazine (www.backpassmag.com) and for The Ministry Newsletter (for wrestling and Undertaker fans). Male, Age 29, 5’ 11”, dark brown hair, hazel eyes, born, raised in, and live in Daytona Beach, FL. And I am honestly damned glad to be here.
I know, I know. That was brief. I promise there’s more, and (if you care) I’ll tell you more as we go along. Besides, you’re not here to hear me run my mouth (or keyboard…something…whatever) about me, you wanna read about Rasslin’! So, let’s skip the dumb stuff and get down to bidness…

BUT FIRST…

Non-wrestling night suggestion: Tuesday sucks. It’s right between Raw and NWATNA, and most of what’s on broadcast television and cable pretty much sucks out loud…
Except for “Nip/Tuck”, a drama centered around 2 plastic surgeons in Miami, FL It’s on FX at 10 pm Tuesdays. It’s about halfway through the first season now, and it’s getting really intense. You may be surprised what they can get away with on TV nowadays (at least I was when I saw the pilot), but beyond the language, violence, and graphic (more like GRAPHIC) surgeries, it’s an excellent drama well worth taking a look at. You’re welcome.

Okay, on to the Rasslin’…I promise this time…

A promo spot beforehand airs or the IronMan match. And yeah, Hogan’s still on the graphics. Now he’s looking to sign with NWA:TNA maybe? Why not? Piper’s already back there…

I’m all sorts of ready to mark out for the IronMan match tonight and I’m not afraid to admit it. Yes, I replaced my VCR this week, and yes, I am taping this one. While we’re at it, yes I do own the first 2 IronMan matches (WrestleMania XII and Judgment Day 2000) on video, and yeah, I watched them this week, thank you very much. And with two guys like Lesnar and Angle and the two encounters they’ve had already, this match has un-friggin’-believable written all over it. Not to mention that this is the one gimmick match anymore that’s almost guaranteed not to disappoint. And did we mention that it’s FREE?

“Get lucky on UPN 65, your official lottery station!”:
Cash 3: 034
Play 4: 1724

SmackDown! – 091803

Vince opens the show, putting over the IronMan match – and looking genuine about it! He also looks genuinely concerned when the Undertaker interrupts him. He’s mad that Vince sent Brock out to ruin his title match. Hell, if it led to the IronMan, then I’m not.

Cole and Tazz welcome you to and the Tale of The Tape. This is the Season Premiere? Since when did wrestling have seaso—aw, forget it.

Chris Benoit & Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. Rhyno & Tajiri

Wow – WCW vs. ECW…again. Although calling Benoit WCW may be a little insulting, so I should probably strike that. At least he won the World Title there, though. Benoit & Tajiri start with a side headlock by Benoit. He whips Tajiri away and shoulderblocks him. Again, and the two criss-cross before Tajiri runs into Benoit’s chops. Benoit whips him to the other corner and has it reversed. Tajiri slaps on the Tarantula in the corner as Rey inadvertently runs enough interference for the referee not to count to 4. Dummy. Benoit is let go and runs into a spinebuster by Rhyno for 2. Benoit takes some abuse until he gets in a side suplex. lukewarm tag to Rey who hits a siddown splash on Rhyno (is that his customary way into the ring off of a tag or something?). Rhyno charges and eats elbow, then falls victim to a standing 2nd rope moonsault (nice) for 2. Tajiri breaks the count and all 4 are in now. Rhyno goes for a powerbomb on Rey, but Rey flips out and ducks the Green Mist, which hits Rhyno instead. Oops. Benoit hits a 619-assisted German suplex on Tajiri. That was pretty stuff. Rey Drops the Dime on Rhyno’s back and covers for the 3. As Benoit and Rey leave, Tajiri eyes down Rey. Man, 3rd week in a row I get to look forward to a cool match next week! Rock on!

Later, Los Gurreros vs. TSPWGTT (dammit, that acronym is almost as long as their freakin’ NAME now!) for the Tag Team Titles – and the IronMan match. Uh-huh.

Commercial

Back to
Torrie Wilson & Nidia vs. Shaniqua
Sponsored by: Limp Bizkit’s “Results May Vary” (no, the results won’t vary at all…it’ll suck all the way through the CD), WrestleMania XIX for Nintendo Game Cube and “The Rundown” (which I probably won’t bother seeing. Sorry, Rocky.)
Last week, Shaniqua decimated anything with a pair of boobs (aside from herself, of course) until Torrie smacked her with a chair and everyone escaped with their lives.
Match starts with Torrie and Nidia jumping Shaniqua and sending her outside immediately. Now that’s a smart move; better safe than sorry. Both women follow Shaniqua and throw her back in. Torrie goes to the corner as Nidia works on Shaniqua with chops and an Irish whip, which is reversed into a powerslam by Shaniqua. Torrie in now, and knocked right back down. Torrie then saves Nidia from a powerbomb, only to get clotheslined down with Nidia. Shaniqua picks Torrie up and slams her onto Nidia. Owch! Shaniqua tosses Torrie out and jacks Nidia up for a proper powerbomb and the 3 count. Afterward, Dawn Marie is in to give Shaniqua what for, and eats a boot before getting tossed. She follows Dawn outside and rams her into the corner post. It’s not a dominatrix, it’s not a Tough Enough winner…it’s Super Bitch! That’s what they need to do with her – let her beat the hell out of the rest of the chicks and scare the audience half to death. Excellent.

In the back, Vince, Sable the Skag Whore and the Big Show (still in a suit? Okay…) enter Steph’s office to harass her. Vince is impressed she stood up to Brock last week instead of quitting. What, are you kidding? Stephy won’t quit and Vince can’t make her. Vince starts to say he can when Stephy injects a little LOGIC into to all of this with “Why don’t you just FIRE me, Dad?” Yeah, good question! Vince would rather see her quit of her own volition, and promises to “play rough”. Dude, with your own daughter?! Eewwww!

Commercial

Back to a video package of the first two meetings between Angle and Lesnar, and proof that this IronMan rubber match is going to rule the world.

We join Eddie and Chavito in the back for some stereotypical goodness. Eddie is proud of Chavo coming back and for securing the Tag Title Match. Chavito’s proud of Eddie potentially becoming a double champion. If anyone on the writing crew has a brain, Los Gurreros are going to win tonight. We’ll find out next.

Commercial

Back to the WrestleMania XIX Video Game rewind: last week’s Parking Lot Brawl and the return of Chavito.
Earlier today, Cena raps on the beach. Part of it gets bleeped out. Wonder if that was the John Ritter reference…like WWE’s ever been afraid of offending anybody…

Los Guerreros vs. TSPWG—aww to hell with this, Haas and Benjamin (c) for the WWE Tag Team Title Match
Los Gurreros arrive in a hideous looking lowrider. So, is that the “bowling shoe ugly” that JR’s always referring to? Eddie and Benjamin start. Collar and elbow tie-up leads to a wrestling sequence on the mat. Benjamin finds himself in the Gurreros’ corner as Eddie tags Chavito. Chavito chops and elbows Benjamin before another tag is made. THAT’S the way to do it – quick tags. Always excellent to se attention to detail. Doubleteam elbow on Benjamin. Benjamin gets Eddie into his corner and brings in Haas, who kicks away at Eddie. Haas whips Eddie into the corner and keeps kicking away. Tag to Benjamin but Eddie slugs his way out of the corner and hits a belly-to-belly on Benjamin. Chavito gets tagged in so he can stomp on Haas in the corner. Chavito pops Haas a good one before the whip to the opposite corner is reversed. Haas armdrag into a monkeyflip reversal and tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Chavito. In a nice visual, C hits the over-the-top plancha on Benjamin as Eddie hits one on the opposite side on Haas. Nice way to take us to a…

Commercial

Back to Eddie choking out Haas. Poke to the eye, followed by a whip and an elbow. Eddie tags in Chavito, who dropkicks Haas after a snap mare by Eddie. Benjamin breaks the ensuing 3 count. Haas clubs Chavito and tags in Benjamin, who pops Chavito one. Chavito kicks Benjamin away and tags Eddie. Once again, fast tags rock. Back suplex is reversed by Haas, cover for 2 broken by Chavito. Sunset flip by Eddie on Benjamin for 2 results in a mini-double KO. Tags are made to Chavito and Haas. Chavito whips Haas to the corner, but eats boot and THEN a mean superkick by Benjamin. Deeeamn! NOW the psychology is worked in as Haas hits an armbreaker on Chavito’s previously injured arm. Nice. Haas and Benjamin continue to swap in and out on shots to Chavito’s arm. Northern Lights by Haas gets 2, then the tag to Benjamin, who hammerlocks the arm, then stomps on it a couple of times just to be an ass. Tag to Haas and an underarm spin on Chavito. That’s beautiful. Chavito finally fights back but has his ankle snared by Haas as Benjamin pops Chavito one. Chavito tags in Eddie, but, of course, the ref doesn’t see it. Yep, a spot guaranteed to rile up a crown during any good tag match. And it works. Chavito dropkicks his way out of trouble and finally tags in Eddie, who is a CASA EN FUEGO! (Thanks, Mr. Keith.) Haas gets a good German in on Eddie, though, and covers for 2. Benjamin and Hass cross signals, allowing Eddie to take both men over simultaneously – Benjamin by the arm, Haas y the head. Eddie gets caught up top by Benjamin, but that don’t faze him none as he shoves Benjamin back down and misses a rolling senton. Eddie is up on his feet, however, and sends Haas outside. Haas takes this opportunity to grab a couple of chairs. As the ref is restraining Haas, Benjamin swings at Eddie and misses, and gets the chair dropkicked into his knee (owww!), sending him outside. Benjamin looks legit hurt by that; man, I hope not. Last thing we need is one of the best teams on TV out due to injury. Los Gurreros decide to worry about that later and bring Haas back in for a flapjack that folds the man in half…! Suplex by Chavito into a Frog Splash by Eddie, and we have new WWE Tag Team Champions as Los Gurreros celebrate.

We once again hype the IronMan, this time with “Tazz’s Keys to Victory” for both Angle and Lesnar. Now, see, THAT’S a wonderful way to build up the match – as an ATHLETIC COMPETITION. Why didn’t anyone think of this earlier? The tale of the tape sends us to:

Commercial.

Back to both locker rooms gearing up for the IronMan match between Lesnar and Angle…

And here we go.

Kurt Angle (c) vs. Brock Lesnar – IronMan match for the WWE Title.
I’m still surprised that Shawn Michaels didn’t worm his way into this somehow. The scorecard and clock appear in the top right of your screen as Brock opens fire on Kurt to start things off. Kicks by Brock into a choke via foot in the corner. Whip to the corner by Brock, followed by a shoulderblock, more kicks, and another foot choke. Brock kicks him in the head and gives him some more shoulder roast. BIG beel throw out of the corner. Kurt tries a comeback, but takes knees for his troubles. Brock whips Kurt into another corner and eats elbow coming in. Angle tries a few shoulderblocks of his own, then grows a brain and dropkicks Brock’s leg, finally taking him down. Kurt goes for the leg, and Brock bails outside. Stalling follows, which is allowable when you have to go for an hour, I suppose. He still has to avoid a countout, though, which he does, then calls for a time out in the ring. Hah! You know better. And yeah he does – it was a ruse as Brock cheapshots Angle and kicks him some more in the corner. Brock, I really hope you planning on doing more than that for 60 minutes. A whip results in a reversal and three armdrags by Kurt, sending Brock outside. Brock grabs the steel steps to try and break the count, but the ref doesn’t fall for it. Brock breaks the count at 9, Angle approaches, and Brock bails out to stall some more. Repeat the last sentence. Decent heeling by Brock for the occasion. Score is 0-0 @ 55:00. Brock re-enters, Angle goes for the leg and Brock bails AGAIN. Come on, now… Brock baits Angle into a necksnap off the top rope, and then enters to stomp on and choke out Angle. Whip by Brock gets turned into a belly-to-belly by Kurt. The manly, overhead type, of course – none of those wussy belly-to-belly suplexes for Kurt, thank you. Angle then throws Brock outside as if to say, “You want out there so bad, punkinhead? Then GO!” I like it. Angle finally smartens up and follows Brock outside to beat on Brock. Angle breaks the count and returns to the slugfest. Brock gains the advantage by ramming Angle into the apron backfirst, then the same into the corner post. Some psychology to set up the eventual F5(s)? Brock tosses Angle back in, but doesn’t follow, instead opting to grab a chair. Brock gets back in with the chair and DRILLS Angle for the DQ. 1-0 @ 51:00. Cole questions Brock’s strategy like a dunce. The knockout shot with the chair is worth a DQ if you can follow up, fool. Brock clubs, kicks, and taunts Angle some before proving my point with an F5 and a cover for 3. 1-1 @ 49:30. Tazz gets my back and explains the strategy to Cole. Toldja! Replay of the 1st 2 falls as Brock kicks away at Angle’s ribs and taunts him some more. Man, if this were No Mercy for the N64, Brock would be ready to hit a finisher by now. Brock slaps an ANKLE LOCK on Angle (!!), who TAPS OUT (!!!). Holy crap! It’s 2-1 @ 47:45 as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to during the commercial break: Brock continues the “insult to injury” party with an Angle Slam on Angle for 2. Brock whips Angle to the corner and hits another shoulderblock. Weakening the ribs, too, I see. Beatdown in the corner plus kicks to the head. Brock whips Kurt into the other corner and Angle avoids the charge. Rights by Angle results in a whip and a reversal, but Angle sends Brock back down to the mat. Angle hits 3 Rolling Germans on Brock (with some difficulty). Brock dumps Angle outside and follows to whip Angle into the barricade in the aisle. Brock breaks the count, then returns. Angle fires back, only to take an F5 outside! Brock returns to the ring as a small “Holy shit!” chant erupts. Angle is counted out. 3-1 @ 40:00 as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to during the commercial break: Angle regains the advantage with 2 overhead belly-to-belly suplexes on Brock. Angle is tossed outside and returns for more punishment. Still 3-1 @ 35:00. 2 elbows by Brock results in a cover for 2. A right by Brock is followed by kicks in the corner. Angle makes the comeback and nails the Angle Slam for 3, putting us at 3-2 @ 34:00 left. In the event of a tie, Cole informs us, UPN will allow an overtime period until there is a winner. Hell, they should hand the show 30 more minutes anyway to make up for that Mullets crap last week. Angle’s turn to beat down Brock as a suplex gets 2. Stomps by Angle, followed by rights in the corner. Brock fires back with knees to the gut, but takes a German by Angle. Angle drops the straps, but the Angle Slam is countered into to a F5, which is countered into an Ankle Lock. Well done. Brock powers out and Angle almost bumps the ref. Brock finishes that job with a clothesline ducked by Angle. Goddammit! I swear to God, if Vince walks out here to ruin this, I’m turning this off. Angle Slam, but no ref to make the count for Angle. Brock goes outside for some therapeutic timekeeper abuse and grabs the belt. Back in, Brock nails Angle with his own belt. In a moment of hilarity, Brock grabs the ref by his pants and tosses him beside Angle to revive him. Cover gets 3 as we stand at 4-2 @ 29:30 heading into:

Commercial.

Back to Angle dragging Brock outside. Angle lands a few rights and tosses Brock into the steps. Angle breaks the count, then pulls a Macho Man with a double axehandle to Brock off the apron. Back in and a cover by Angle gets 2. Angle goes up top for a purty missile dropkick that gets 2. Angle back up again, but the moonsault misses and Brock clotheslines him for a double KO. Brock is up just in time to walk into another overhead B2B suplex for 2. Brock goes for a B2B of his own, but Angle counters into the Ankle Lock. Brock rolls through and powers Angle to the outside in a nice counter. Brock follows and whips Angle into the steps. Kurt re-enters the ring as Brock goes for the opposite set of steps. Angle baseball slides the steps into Brock’s face (nice move). Angle brings Brock back inside for a 2 count. Angle with rights and kicks in the corner. A whip and another elbow gets 2 as we take our LAST break…thank God!…

Commercial.

Back to during the commercial break: Brock gets an overhead B2B on Kurt from the top rope and a pin, bringing the score to 5-3. Both men are outside as Angle bounces Brock’s head off of the announce table. Brock returns the favor, then sets up Kurt for an F5 into the post. Angle drops out and does it to Brock instead, providing our poetic justice moment of the night. Angle breaks the ref’s count then stomps on Brock’s leg outside. Back in and Angle gets a Ѕ crab on Brock. Brock reaches the ropes, then takes the Ankle lock instead. Brock makes the ropes again, then decides he’s had enough of this crap by shoving Angle away and hitting another F5. Brock, after a bit of stalling, finally covers – for 2. Stupid. Shoulda covered him right after that. Brock, now thoroughly frustrated, goes up top. DON’T TELL ME he’s going for the Shooting Star…! It’s a moot point as Angle bounds up the ropes and hits a top-rope overhead B2B of his own for a 3-count. 5-3 @ 9:45 left. Ohh, man…NOW we’re gonna get serious. Kurt better hurry it up some. Double KO as the ref counts to 8 before both men make it to their feet. Slugfest won by Angle, who beats on Brock in the corner. A FAT USA chant starts up to drum up support for Angle (although Brock is from the US too…go figure…) as Angle snaps off a suplex then puts the straps back up…! The Angle Slam gets countered into a DDT for 2. Rights by Angle get turned into a German by Brock. And another. 3, do I hear 3? I sure do. Both men are down again with 6:00 to go. Another German is countered by Angle into a victory roll into the Ankle Lock. Brock has nowhere to go and taps out. 5-4 @ 4:00. Another Ankle Lock, but Brock powers out of this one. Angle slaps on a(n attempted) STF, but Brock elbows his way out of it. Brock ducks outside, but Angle follows to punish the leg. An Ankle lock ensues on the outside before Angle, probably cognizant of the time factor, rolls Brock back in, then out. He bounces Brock of the steps, then brings him back in for real. Angle hits repeated Germans with under 1:00 to go. Brock grabs the ref and lowblows Angle. Angle gets the Ankle Lock on Brock, but Brock does NOT tap before time expires. Brock Lesnar is your winner and NEW WWE Champion, with a final score of 5-4. Show ends with Brock celebrating with the WWE Belt.

Wow. Can’t say that I was disappointed. If for no other reason then the fact that Vince decided to let the ATHELETES get the match over instead of him. What a novel concept. I hope the ratings back it up. And we’re out.

L8.