411’s WWE Velocity Report 05.31.03

Note: Jimmy PS Hayes is filling in for Pat Brower this week.

While the PAT(rick)’s away the Hayes will play!!
The lucky S.O.B.s at DC Comics get to spend the weekend with Mr. Brower at Wizard World East. The wrestling fans have to settle for Jimmy PS Hayes. Sorry,no refunds.

VELOCITY #54
Your hosts this week are Josh Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller. Gentlemen, hide your ladies.

MATCH #1:Shannon Moore w/Crash vs Bill DeMott w/his stomach
DeMott grabs the mike and tells a joke.
knock knock
ref:Who’s there?
Little boy can’t reach the doorbell. Get it? LITTLE BOY CAN’T REACH THE DOORBELL!
Shannon Moore attacks him from behind. My sentiments excatly,Shannon. The bell rings and we’re under way. Irish whip into the ropes by Moore. DeMott reverses and catches Moore off the ropes with an elbow. Moore gets up…pancake by DeMott. Backs Moore into the corner. Series of shoulders to the midsection of Moore by DeMott followed by chops to the chest. DeMott throws Moore into the opposite corner. Before he can charge,Crash jumps in front of Moore and pleeds for DeMott not to. DeMott charges,Moore pulls Crash in front of him and DeMott and Crash go flying into the corner. Moore follows it up with a kick to the back of DeMotts head. A series of kicks and punches to DeMott. Moore delivers a leg-drop to the back of DeMotts head and goes for the cover. 1,2 and a kick-out by DeMott. A couple more punches by Moore,then he applies the sleeper hold. DeMott gets to his feet and backs Moore into the corner, forcing him to break the hold. Moore climbs to the second rope and lands a missle drop-kick to the chin of Bill DeMott. Moore goes for the cover….and gets another 2 count. Moore gets up first and re-applies the sleeper hold. The referee holds up DeMotts arm and it drops to the canvas. Again…and DeMotts arm drops to the canvas. Third time..DeMott holds his arm up and starts to wake up. The crowd doesn’t. DeMott gets to his feet and elbows Moore in the gut. Moore lands a knee to the midsection of DeMott and follows with some blows to the back. DeMott throws Moore into the ropes. Moore goes for the crucifix, but DeMott reverses into a back-drop. Both men on their feet. Two clotheslines by DeMott,then a hip-toss. Moore in the corner. DeMott charges and is meet by a boot to the face, Moore climbs to the second rope and lands a flying neck-breaker on Demott. Moore goes for the cover and gets a two-count. Moore calls to Crash who climbs to the top turnbuckle. DeMott pushes Moore into the corner, knocking Crash down and dazing Moore. DeMott delivers a neck-breaker. Covers Moore and gets the three-count.

WINNER:Bill DeMott

MATCH #2:Jamie Noble vs Orlando Jordan
Referee:
Collar and elbow tie-up to start us off. Leg-sweep by Noble. Jordan back to his feet,catches Noble in a head-lock. Noble with punches to the midsection of Jordan. Noble throws Jordan into the ropes and is meet with a shoulderblock by Jordan. Jordan off the ropes again. Noble goes for a hip-toss,Jordan blocks it and delivers a hip-toss of his own. Jordan with an armbar. Noble gets to his feet and knees Jordan in the gut. Noble delivers a blow to Jordan’s head. Jordan throws Noble into the corner and lands some chops to the chest of Noble. Irish-whip into the corner by Jordan,Noble reverses,charges, and is meet with Jordan’s elbow. Jordan chrages from the corner,Noble catches him with a low-knee dropkick sending Jordan down to the matt. Noble drapes Jordan’s knee over the ropes and delivers a series of kicks to the knee. Noble drags Jordan to the center of the ring and continues to work on the knee,locking in a Boston Crab. Jordan makes it to the ropes and Noble is forced to break the hold. Noble with kicks to the head. Noble gets Jordan in the corner and starts again with kicks to the knee of Jordan. Jordan with chops to the chest of Noble. Noble with a dropkick to the head of Jordan. Jordan gets up and manages to get in a clothesline. Noble back up,a series a punches to the face by Jordan. Noble comes off the ropes and is caught by Jordan in a powerslam. Count of two and Noble kicks out. Nobel goes for a take-down,Jordan catches Noble’s shoulders on the matt with his knees. 1,2..3!! What an upset by Orlando Jordan!!

WINNER:Orlando Jordan

MATCH #3:A-Train vs Joey Matthews
Referee
Kick to the midsection by A-Train.A-Train throws Matthews across the ring into the corner. And I mean ACROSS THE RING. A-Trian with a knee to the midsection followed by a blow to the head of Matthews. A-Train throws Matthews into the ropes,goes for a closthesline,but Matthews ducks underneath and goes for a waistlock on A-Train. Good luck kid,your arms aren’t long enough. A-Train with a hip-toss into a headlock. A-Train goes for a press slam,but Matthews slips out and lands a kick ot the knee of the Big Show Jr. Matthews off the ropes, ducks a clothesline by A-Train and lands a dropkick with doesn’t move A-Train. Matthews off the ropes again,lands a forarm to the chest of A-Train who still doesn’t move. Matthews off the ropes a third time. A-Train goes for another clothesline,but Matthews baseball slides underneath A-Train gets up and delivers a boot to the head of A-Train. Matthews goes for a tornado DDT,but A-Train throws him across the ring into the corner. A-Train charges(why doesn’t someone take away his credit card?)but Matthews moves out of the way sending A-Train shoulder first into the ring-post. Joey Matthews climbs to the second rope,jumps off and is met by A-Trains boot. A-Train trows Matthews into the ropes and delivers a bicycle kick. A-Train picks up Matthews and delivers the train-wreck. 1.2.3.
All during this match I kept wondering “Is an A-Train what the A-Team rode in when BA was fixing their van?”

WINNER:A-Train

MATCH #4:Matt Hardy vs Funaki
Referee:
Collar and elbow tie up. Hardy backs Funaki into the corner. The referee call for a break and Hardy slaps Funaki on the chest. Hardy backs up and charges Funaki who ducks sending Matt into the corner. Hardy charges again and Funaki gets an arm-drag takedown. Funaki punches Hardy. Hardy sends Funaki into the ropes and Funaki lands a Mexican headscissors. Funaki into the ropes,Hardy catches him and clotheslines him on the top rope. Hardy with a neckbreaker, covers Funaki but only gets the two count. Hardy picks up Funaki and chokes him with the ropes. Hardy covers, hooks both legs, but can only get another two count. Hardy with a kick to the midsection and a neckbreaker off the ropes. Another two count by Hardy. Funaki gets to his feet, punches Hardy. Hardy off the ropes and Funaki catches him in a sleeper. Hardy reverses it and lands a richochet on Funaki. Cover…count of two. Hardy gets up and locks in a side-headlock. Funaki powers out, goes to the ropes,climbs to the top. Hardy catches him and tries to deliver a powerbomb, but Funaki gets out and kicks Hardy in the back of the head. A cover by Funaki, but Matt kicks out. Funaki with a series of chops, throws Hardy into the ropes and lands a bulldog. Funaki covers..1,2..and Hardy kicks out. Hardy off the ropes and a swinging DDT delivered by Funaki and another two count. Funaki up first and lands a dropkick to Hardys face. Funaki picks up Hardy and sends him into the ropes. Matt reverses goes for the side effect, Funaki reverses,rolls up Hardy but only gets a two count. Hardy goes for the twist of fate, Funaki gets out and sends Matt into the corner. Funaki goes for a tornado DDT, but Hardy sends him flying across the ring. Hardy picks up Funaki and lands the twist of fate. Hardy picks up Funaki and delivers ANOTHER twist of fate. Goes for a THIRD twist of fate,but Funaki is dead weight. Cover by Matt Hardy. 1,2,3.

WINNER:Matt Hardy

-360 VELOCITY
Last year this week…
Mark Henry beat the Godfather
Albert beat Hugh Morrus
Reverend D-Von (w/ Deacon Batista) beat the Big Valbowski
Also, Hogan and Edge posed for the fans and Jackie Gayda and Linda Miles won Tough Enough 2.

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
-After years of reading Batman comics and Sherlock Holmes novels, I have put my detective skills to good use and discovered who Mr. America is. George Brower IVI’ve never seen them in the same place at the same time and they both have the same physique.
-I took my wife to sea(get it?)FINDING NEMO. I don’t know about her, but I couldn’t find him.

OUT
Thanks for putting up with me this week. It’s been fun!