411’s WWE Velocity Report: 1.15.05

Welcome to Velocity, fans. Hopefully, this will be less of a disappointment than the Jets game. Should I get my hopes up? Let’s find out.

Hardcore Holly versus Spike Dudley

Spike poses at Holly to start, then slaps him. Spike tries to run, but Holly catches him and nails him with the Alabama Crunch, sending Spike out of the ring. Hardcore Holly chases after him, beating him up in the aisle. Spike gets the Battering Ram and shoves Holly into the ringpost. Back in, Spike hammers away and nails him with the “I used to date your cousin!” Not really, but would’ve been sweeeeeeeet. Spike chokes Holly with the tape from his wrist, then puts on a rear naked choke. Holly gets up and flips Spike over his head, then nails a big clothesline. Dropkick by Holly, then corner chops. Spike escapes, but Holly gets more corner chops. Spike dodges a charge, goes up top, and comes off with a crossbody. Holly catches him and nails him with the Alabama Slam for the win.

Winner: Hardcore Holly
Match Time: 4:04
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Not so bad. Spike got the right amount of offense, which is surprising when you think about it.

On Smackdown, John Cena beat Kenzo Suzuki. Now he can get back to important things, like Rene Dupree and Mark Jindrak.

Scotty 2 Hotty versus Chet Jablonski

The return of Velocity’s first-ever champion! Lockup to start, and Chet gets an armdrag. He showboats, then grapples again. Chet kicks away on Scotty in the corner, then does a few jumping jacks. He whips Scotty, but Scotty slides in between his legs and nails two dropkicks, followed by an armlock. Chet gets out and throws Scotty to the ringpost, then takes him to the mat with an arm wringer. Jablonski gets a clothesline for two, then puts on an armlock. Scotty gets up, but Chet knocks him back down. Scotty rises again and dodges a Stinger Splash, then hits a superkick. Both men are down, and when they get up, Scotty takes control. However, Chet pulls him into the corner and goes back to the slow brawling. Scotty whips him to the corner, then gets the bulldog. The Worm follows for the win.

Winner: Scotty 2 Hotty
Match Time: 4:34
Rating: *3/4
Commentary: Sucked a big one. When the “nameless” guy is more impressive in a squash than the WWE talent, that should tell the company something.

Paul London versus Akio

Akio got a haircut! And a new outfit! Lockup to start, and Akio gets an armdrag. Another lockup, and Akio backs London into the corner. London shoves him off, and they push each other. Another lockup, and Akio gets a side headlock. London reverses into his own headlock, but Akio grabs a hammerlock into a headlock. London kicks him off, but Akio nails a shoulder tackle. London blocks a kick and grabs a headlock on the mat, then gets up and Dropsaults Akio to the outside. London jumps to the apron, then gets an Asai Moonsault. London tosses Akio in and gets a slingshot bodypress for two. Akio whips London to the corner, but London boots a charge. Akio dodges a second rope moonsault press and gives London an overhead belly to belly into the turnbuckle. Damn right. Akio stomps away on London, then gets a sleeperhold. Akio throws London off, then ducks and enziguri, hits a standing moonsault, and applies a chinlock. Akio whips London to the corner and hits the somersault kick, but London scores a sidekick. Akio smacks London, and London comes back with forearms and kicks. He backdrops Akio, then hits a couple of hard kicks followed by a leg lariat for two. Akio jumps up top and gets a twister press for three. Josh calls it “Akio” time. Post match, we get a straight-up handshake, initiated by London.

Winner: Akio
Match Time: 6:01
Rating: ***1/4
Commentary: Lots of great moves, even some new ones from these two. Suffered from being too short, but still a solid six minutes.

On Smackdown, The Big Show was angry about recent acts perpetrated against his girlfriend, Joy Giovanni. Come on, shouldn’t Show be dating at least three of the Diva Search chicks?

Rene Dupree versus Charlie Haas

Haas quickly knocks Dupree out of the ring with a shoulder. Dupree slowly gets back to the apron, and Haas flips him in. Haas goes to work on Dupree’s arm, slamming his leg on it and applying a hold. Dupree gets out and whips Haas across the ring into the turnbuckle. He gets a snapmare, then lands a kneedrop on Haas for two. Haas gets up, and Dupree slams him back down to the mat. Dupree goes up top, but takes too long, as Haas armdrags him off. They trade punches, with Haas gaining the advantage and getting an inverted atomic drop. Haas follows with a dropkick, two clotheslines, and a flying forearm, but misses a Stinger Splash. Dupree does the dance and goes for the Michinoku Driver, but Haas slides out and hits the Exploder Suplex for the win.

Winner: Charlie Haas
Match Time: 4:54
Rating: *3/4
Commentary: A snoozer with no real point. But hey, at least it was quick.

Not a complete waste this week, thanks to Akio-London. Hope you caught it!