The SmarK Southern-Fried RAW Rant – April 22 / 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – April 22 2002

– Before we begin, I just wanted to hit a piece of reader mail that seems to have the burning questions of the day within…

“maybe i missed a joke somewhere, but what do you mean by “TAG”. You use it often, and perhaps i’m a dummy, but i’m stumped. Probably something obvious.”

A couple of people have actually asked this one, and as much as I hate to explain my own inside jokes, “Oh, TAG” stems from a WWF TV show a few days before the split, where William Regal was getting into a battle of verbal jabs with Matt Hardy and Lita. Basically, Matt made a particularly cutting rejoinder to Regal, and Lita added “Oh, TAG!” (as in “tag, you’re it”) as a way of reinforcing that insult. However, what she MEANT to say was “Oh, SNAP”, which is the generally accepted phrase for that sort of thing. So when I originally used the phrase “Oh, TAG” it was in tribute to Lita, and it meant “This person thinks they just got back at someone else with a really brilliant response, but in fact they’re an idiot”. But since my sarcasm tends to get so inside that it goes all the way around to sincerity again if I’m not careful, “Oh, TAG” seems to have lost the ironic meaning and now simply means “This person just got back at someone else with a brilliant response”. It’s best not to think about this sort of thing too hard.

– Live from St. Louis, MO.

– Your hosts are JR & The King.

– Opening slaughter: Brock Lesnar v. Matt Hardy. That sneaky Matt attacks from the crowd, but gets spinebusted in dramatic fashion. Brock goes after the taped ribs with a pair of backbreakers and a bearhug that involves Matt getting ragdolled. Brock misses a charge and Matt gets some pathetic offense in, but Brock shrugs off a pair of legdrops and blocks the Twist of Fate with the TKO. Well, nice try Matt, but Brock is just too much awesome. Helicopter powerbomb ends things at 3:08 via KO. Another squash. ј*

– Meanwhile, Flair gets the cold shoulder from some tech guys. Undertaker reassures him that he did the right thing.

– Undertaker comes out for an interview to revel in his #1 contenderness. He’s pumped for fighting Hogan at Judgment Day. Well, who isn’t? I mean, 1991 was such a great year and all. HHH’s walking interrupts Undertaker’s speech, but Undertaker protests due to the rules established by the draft which say that HHH is only supposed to be on Smackdown from now on. They brawl over this point and HHH beats on him with a monitor to draw a sad little trickle of blood. A pack of rabid referees storm the ring and attempt to pull HHH off, but he fights them off and resumes brawling. They head to the back and it starts to drag, but HHH has his trusty sledgehammer at the ready before security restrains him. Note to future Cerebral Assassins: Always carry your sledgehammer in the back seat of your limo, because you just never know.

– Goldust and Booker T review the Scorpion King. Booker thinks he could have done a better job, and rolls an alternate clip with himself superimposed. Then we get the Goldust version. Booker thinks it would be called “The Scorpion Queen”. Oh, TAG.

– Meanwhile, Regal gives Flair a hard time about the refereeing job at Backlash.

– JUST IN! A “Scalded Dog” update from Gene Platt:

“Actually, for JR’s origins (and mine as well), it would be scalded dog, not scolded dog. Old-school simile. Derived from the several centuries old French saying (translated here to English) “A scalded dog fear cold water.” The idea behind that is that when a person has been somehow injured, physically, spiritually, or otherwise, by a certain situation, other situations similar to that will frighten the person, even if there’s no actual peril. Now, I’m not saying that JR uses the phrase in context, because he often says it when there’s very real peril for the heel who’s running. But still… scolded dog? I don’t think so.”

I’m dubious on this one, Gene, and I somehow doubt JR would be the kind of guy to be referencing an old French saying. Readers?

– Mr. Perfect v. Rob Van Dam. Perfect attacks to start, but gets monkey-flipped and dumped. Rob follows him out with a quebrada, and back in Perfect suplexes him out of the corner. Necksnap, but RVD comes back with a leg lariat for two. Twisty legdrop and Rolling Thunder get two. Perfect goes for the pin with the ropes, but gets found out in the midst of his shenangians. Rob finishes with the frog splash at 3:00. Bleh. Ѕ* Eddy Guerrero lays a beating on him afterwards, but misses his frog splash. Eddy retreats like some sort of dog, whether it be scolded or scalded.

– Last week on Smackdown, Hulk Hogan wins the WWF title from Iron Sheik. Oh, wait…

– Further dog update! I found a page containing various southern sayings, and there it was…

“He ran like a scalded dog.”

So it must be some weird New Orleans transplant thing. Also from that page…

“Wild as a peach orchard hog.
So buck toothed he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a key hole.
Slick as an eel.
Slicker than a chased greased hog.
Full as a tick.
Fat as a tub o lard.
Ol’ boy’s tough as whit leather.
Rough as a cob.
Just as happy as if he had good sense.
Cold as a well digger’s tail.
So dull he couldn’t cut hot butter with a knife.
Crazier than a run over dog.
Tougher than a one eared alley cat.”
Please feel free to work any of those into casual conversation. I especially endorse “Crazier than a run over dog”. At any rate, y’all can sleep at night again knowing that there actually are other people in the world who mangle the language with as much gusto as Jim Ross does.
– Jackie & Trish v. Molly & Jazz. Jackie & Molly start, and Molly quickly defers to Jazz. Trish comes in to beat on her, but Molly gets a cheapshot and Jazz gets two. Splash misses, but Molly & Jackie tag in and Jackie cleans house. It’s breaking loose in Tulsa, and the action is rough as a cob! Hey, this is easy! Molly lariats Jackie for the pin at 2:16. Not good. DUD
– Meanwhile, Ric Flair is going crazier than a run over dog about the Austin situation, and even Arn seems dubious. Flair decides to go out and show proof of his side of things.
– Ric Flair comes out to personally apologize to Austin for his shoddy refereeing job. They’re still friends and Flair still loves Austin like the son he never had, and he still doesn’t want a war. Austin’s just pissed off. He doesn’t even care about how many titles Flair has had. Flair does care, and he interrupts Austin to set that record straight. Austin thinks Flair might be trying to screw him over behind his back. Flair? Cheat? Perish the thought. Flair wants to make it up to Austin by making a tag match with Austin & Bradshaw v. Hall & X-Pac. Whoopee fuck. Austin has just about the same reaction.

– The New Dudley Boyz v. Men On Film. Wow, film critic, that’s a winning gimmick for Booker. Spike gets tossed onto Booker & Goldust to start, and Bubba pounds on Goldust in the ring. Bubba misses a charge, but gets a suplex. Pump splash misses, however. He unleashes a flip flop & fly on Goldust and Spike comes in with a top rope stomp. Flying forearm gets two. Rollup gets two. Cheapshot turns the tide and Spike is YOUR runt-in-peril. Goldust with the butt-butt and Booker stomps a mudhole. Sidekick gets two. Flapjack and Goldust gets rolled up for two. He knocks Spike back down and stomps away, and an elbow gets two. Some matches are 2:00 for a reason, guys. Sleeper, but Spike fights free and headbutts him low. Hot tag Bubba and he sideslams Booker. Dancin’ elbowdrop sets up Spike for a bombs away, and that gets two. The match gets slicker than a chased greased hog, as Bubba gets the tables. Booker finishes Spike with the axe kick at 6:11, however. Neither team has any chemistry. *

– Steven Richards runs out to go after Bubba’s title, disposing of Spike and setting up a table. Bubba powerbombs him through the table, however. Oh, TAG.

– Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer makes the mistake of getting into the orbit of Planet Stasiak. Regal, the voice of reason, lets him know what a moron he is. Stasiak wants a match. Oh, goody.

– William Regal v. Planet Stasiak. Stasiak runs into the brass knuckles and gets pinned. Now THAT was funny.

– Meanwhile, someone has laid out Bradshaw. Flair suspects someone. I bet it was Some Puerto Rican Guy.

– Meanwhile, Flair confronts Hall & X-Pac, and they plead ignorance. Sounds reasonable to me. Flair pledges to find another partner for Austin in place of Bradshaw. Kevin Nash emerges from the bathroom, but Flair catches him and gives him the boot. Flair subs Big Show as Austin’s partner. Double goody.

– Hulk Hogan comes out for a gab session. He showed that Vince fella, yessir. He can die happy now. He believes in the power of the Hulkamaniacs. Wow, what an epic interview that was. JR & King grapple with the philosophical implications of Hulkamania.

– Scott Hall & X-Pac v. Steve Austin & Big Show. Standard retarded WCW finish would see Big Show join the n.W.o. here and Austin get all paranoid about whether Flair knew or not. Either way, hopefully it’ll be a quick match. A decidedly lethargic pop for Austin tonight. X-Pac starts with Show and gets tossed around. Hall tries, but Show no-sells the toothpick and tosses him around, too. Hall was apparently “thrown down like a cheeseburger”. Any theories on THAT one, Gene? Austin makes a go of it with Hall and slugs away, but a cheapshot turns the tide and Hall pounds him down. X-Pac comes in and gets spinebusted, however, and Austin stomps a mudhole on everyone. The dreaded double-mudhole is even stomped on both heels at the same time. Austin misses a charge and crotches himself, however, and X-Pac takes over. Hall gets a blockbuster, but Austin comes back with a Thesz Press and FU Elbow for two. Hall’s selling is just terrible beyond belief. Hall unleashes the dreaded abdominal stretch, which is apropos since we’ve been watching 80s flashbacks all night. Austin fights back, but gets lariated for two. This match is so dull that it couldn’t cut hot butter with a knife. X-Pac gets a spinkick for two. Hall gets a pair of corner clotheslines, but Austin counters with that most dreaded of all main event moves: The Sleeper. Hall reverses, thus elevating himself in the process. All he needs to do is perfect a variation of a spinebuster and he’s set. Austin escapes, hot tag Show, and say it with me, he turns nWo and chokeslams Austin. Gosh, I’m aghast with shock. It’s an nWo finish at 8:38. JR wants to know if we can imagine what this means? Yeah, another push for Big Show and more crappy matches as a result. *

The Bottom Line: You’d think Show would have learned his lesson after joining and quitting the nWo twice while in WCW, but he never was the brightest bulb in the package.

First hour was okay, but the second hour was destroyed by endless talk, much of which was pretty meaningless, like Hogan’s speech. I still don’t see all the unused talent getting airtime, though – and Steven Richards getting powerbombed through a table most definitely does not count. I mean, geez, throw us a bone and stick D-Lo Brown out there one of these times, just to pretend like the split means something.

Until next time, it remains cold as a well digger’s tail here in Edmonton…