411’s WWE Raw Report 10.12.09

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-Well since I last joined you my beloved Cardinals decided to totally crap the bed in the playoffs meaning I will be here recapping Raw all October to the delight of a few of you, and the chagrin of a few more. Tonight’s Monday Night Football competition isn’t nearly as stiff as last week, so hopefully Raw can put forth a strong effort in front of a larger audience. Tonight we are guest hosted by a couple ladies I’ve never heard of, but are sure easy on the eyes. They are TV hosts so they should be camera friendly, so hopefully they can provide a little fun and stay out of the way for most part. We’re two weeks out from Breaking Point where we’ll see John Cena challenge Randy Orton in an Ironman match, so lets get to it.

-Live from Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, IN

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-Chris Jericho opens the show in the back, and says in two weeks explaining the pay per view concept. He says as part of being the unified World Tag Team Champions he is allowed to be on both shows. He is a proud Smackdown member, and will be the captain of their team in the 7 on 7 tag team main event. I guess it’s not just the winners then? Nancy O’Dell interrupts him to tell him that we don’t start Raw with him, but rather with DX.

-Triple H comes out with no Shawn for a promo. HHH has the time keeper come in the ring to stand in for Shawn Michaels and run circles around Trips before handing him the mic. Funny bit. HHH goes through the “Are you ready” bit, and says Shawn isn’t here. He says DX was going to announce they were captaining Team Raw, but Shawn couldn’t make it tonight. He says he could go ahead and set it up on his own, but instead he’s going to call Shawn and badger him on live TV. Shockingly the phone is hooked up to arena speaker, and hilariously Shawn’s voice mail picks up with him singing a version of his “Sexy Boy” theme. HHH asks Shawn where he is, and he says his daughter is sick and he had to stay home with her. Shawn says he got most of the vomit out of his hair, and HHH called at the right time. He says he just put the little girl to sleep, and read her a story. That lets HHH plug the new DX book. HHH lets Shawn go, and wants to move on to Bragging Rights but instead is interrupted by Jerishow. HHH asks Show to hold up the book and smile into the camera, but he instead smacks the book away. Jericho says Bragging Rights is in two weeks, and he will be the captain of Team Smackdown. Jericho runs down all of Smackdown’s accomplishments, and HHH calls it a good show with a spineless general manager who does whatever Vince says. He says it has a grumpy little troll that runs his mouth all the time, and it features great wrestling like the kind we see with Great Khali. He does say its nowhere on the level of Raw though. Jericho says Smackdown has the superior team because, and even though Show is on Raw he wants him to be on his team. HHH calls out Show for letting Jericho boss him around, and throws out some thinly veiled homosexual innuendo like only HHH can. Show says he and Jericho are equals, and really he kind of carries the team. That leads to Jerishow having a little lovers quarrel where Show calls out Jericho for getting pinned last week, and Jericho calls Show the laughing stock of Sportscenter for getting punked by Shaq. Show says Shaq is at least 7 feet tall, and says he didn’t get punked out by Bob Barker. Jericho says he turned around Show’s career, and he’s no longer a laughing stock remembered for being knocked out by Mayweather. Show then says he changed his mind and wants to be on Raw, which HHH says is exciting but unfortunately they’re full. HHH says he can do him a favor though, as the guest hosts have let him book a match to let Show earn his spot. Show is all for that, and HHH says to be on Team Raw all he’ll have to do is beat Chris Jericho. And that match is next.

Bragging Rights Qualifying Match: Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show
Show backs Jericho into the corner on the lockup, but offers a clean break. Again he casually backs Jericho into the corner before breaking. Jericho grabs a go behind, but Show uses his has to casually knock him away. Jericho tries a chop which successfully pisses Show off who returns the favor with a huge open hand chop sending Jericho to the floor. Show palms Jericho’s head back into the ring, and tells Jericho to calm down a little bit and asks for a handshake. Jericho is angry though and wont back down, so Show grabs him by the throat and pushes him away. Jericho tries to come out of the corner with a codebreaker, but Show catches him again sits him on the top and rope and tells him to calm down or he’ll get hurt. Jericho wants none of it, and smacks Show which earns him a slap knocking him all the way to the floor. Jericho feigns a knee injury, and Show goes to check on him. Jericho tries to sneak inside before the 10 count, but Show catches him and pulls him back outside. Show then slides in and that beats the count to pick up the win at 4:37. Ridiculously lame finish, but more storyline than match, but Show qualifies for the Raw team.
Winner: The Big Show (Count Out DUD)

-Maria Menounos is with Legacy who say they are banged up but ready to compete. They think they are deserving of being on Team Raw. Cody says they both do, but Maria says that’s not possible because DX booked a triple threat match. Whoever wins will be on the team. Ted asks who the third man is, and Maria responds it will be John Cena.

WWE Diva’s Championship: Mickie James © vs. Jillian Hall
Jillian takes control with a headlock, but Mickie shoves her off and then we see a borderline botched monkey flip by Jillian. Mickie hits a Lou Thesz Press and a dropkick for two. Mickie goes for the DDT which is countered, by Jillian into an X-Factor attempt which is also blocked. Jillian catches Mickie and powerbombs her in the corner, and gets her feet on the ropes with the Flair pin and that picks up THE WIN!?!?! at 1:13. Yes we have a new Champion at 1:13. Who the hell did Mickie piss off? Afterward Jillian celebrates with a song, but she gets interrupted by Nancy O’Dell. Nancy says she made a call to the other GM’s over the weekend and made a major diva’s trade (she has that power?). She says the good news is that she is still on Raw, but she has to defend her new Diva’s Title right now!
Winner: NEW WWE Diva’s Champion-Jillian Hall (Pinfall-Powerbomb DUD)

WWE Diva’s Championship: Jillian Hall © vs. Melina
Jillian doesn’t want to give the belt up and screams before the bell rings. Melina goes for something that is horribly botched for two, before hitting the last call for the pin and the title at :24. This entire thing was quite possibly the worst segment of the year.
Winner: NEW WWE Diva’s Champion-Melina (Pinfall-Last Call -***)

-Next Week’s Raw Guest Host will be Snoop Dogg

-HHH is in the back talking to Shawn on the phone with a Shawn cardboard cutout, as this thing starts to look more and more like Impact. While Shawn is on the phone Hornswoggle comes in to Shawn’s music and dressed like Shawn. Cowboy hat, wig, the whole bit. Shawn runs out to the front room to watch in horror, and then Hornswoggle superkicks the carboard cutout. HHH comes to the rescue, and then Swoggle runs off with a crotch chop. This was terrible and hilarious all at once.

-Santino hits on the guest hosts in the back, and suggests he could be a new male host of Access Hollywood. He gives his audition, but Beth barges in pissed off about the fact that she’s been traded to Smackdown. She orders Nancy to call Teddy Long and trade her back, and when Maria gets lippy she gets thrown up to the wall. Santino suggests a match with Maria and Beth tonight, and it becomes official. Beth shoves Santino away and Santino responds that when they were intimate he faked every “organism.”

-Recap of the events leading to the Ironman Match at Breaking Point.

Bragging Rights Qualifying Match: Ted Dibiase vs. Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena
Legacy surrounds Cena at the outset, but Cena fights them off clotheslining Cody and hitting a bulldog on Ted. Cody comes back with a dropkick, and Legacy takes control beating him down with a double team. Cena hits the ropes and ducks a double clothesline before taking out both men with a clothesline of his own. Cena hits a sidewalk slam on Dibiase, and then throws Cody to the apron. Attitude Adjustment attempt by Dibiase is blocked, and Cody comes in with a chop block as they regain control. Double suplex connects for Legacy, and Teddy then chokes out Cena in the corner with his boot. Cody heads to the second rope and delivers a bulldog to Cena as the double team attack continues. Dibiase hits a running kick to the face, and then Legacy measures Cena with a double dropkick. Legacy whips Cena into the corner, and that is followed by Ted choking him on the bottom rope. Dibiase goes for a slam, but Cena counters and then knocks Rhodes from the apron. He turns around into a clothesline from Dibiase which gets two as we head to break. Back from commercial as Cena is making a comeback, but DIbiase hits a clothesline but Cody breaks up the cover. They have words, but go back to double teaming Cena. Cena dumps Cody over the top rope, but Dibiase hits a dropkick for two. Dibiase charges at Cena but misses running shoulder first into the ring post. Cody sneaks up from behind with a swinging neckbreaker for two, and then drops a knee across the back of the neck for another two count. Cena comes back with a fisherman’s suplex, but Dibiase is in to break up the two count. They set up Cena for a double suplex, but Cena blocks it and instead suplexes both of them simultaneously. Cena clotheslines Cody over the top rope, and then levels Dibiase with a clothesline. Belly to belly suplex connects to Dibiase, and then a backdrop takes out Cody. Cena locks in the STF on Dibiase, but Orton slides in to provide a distraction before leaving the ring. The distraction from Orton causes Cena to turn his attention to him. Dibiase is also distracted, and that allows Cody to sneak up for the rollup and the pin at 13:20. Dibiase is not pleased, and gets in Cody’s face as Orton tries to break them up. Nothing special here. Just a prolonged beatdown by Legacy with various Cena comebacks mixed in followed by a screwy TNAesque ending.
Winner: Cody Rhodes (pins Dibiase-Rollup **)

-Nancy O’Dell comes on the tron, and says since they’re tag team partners who aren’t getting along they can face another pair of partners who aren’t getting along. Tonight it will be Legacy vs. John Cena and Randy Orton. Is she Russo’s long lost sister or something?

Bragging Rights Qualifying Match: Jack Swagger vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
Swagger goes for the gutwrench right away, but MVP counters into an armdrag. MVP hits a running clothesline, but Swagger is back to fire MVP into the ringpost. Swagger goes to work on the shoulder of MVP, and then shoots the half for a two count. Swagger grabs an armbar, but hits the ropes and runs into a throw from MVP. MVP hits a facebuster, and then delivers the ballin’ elbow drop for two. Swagger comes right back dropping down on the shoulder, and then hits the gutwrench for the pin at 2:34. Everything seems rushed tonight. This was nothing more than a glorified squash.
Winner: Jack Swagger (Pinfall-Gutwrench Powerbomb *)

-Legacy continues their argument before interrupted by Orton who tells them he’s not tagging in tonight. He’s leaving Cena for them. He asks if its understood, and Ted says its understood that Cody knows what is at stake if he pins Orton and Cena in the same night. Cody claims Ted knows he can redeem himself by pinning Randy tonight. Orton tells them if that’s what they’re thinking they better keep thinking. No seriously…that’s what he said. Who’s writing this?

Bragging Rights Qualifying Match: Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne
Joined in progress out of the break with Kofi having Bourne locked in a side headlock. Kofi grabs an armbar, but Bourne armdrags out and they trade pinning combos. Kofi hits the ropes, but runs into a spinning heel kick from Bourne for two. Bourne grabs a half crab, but Kofi rolls out and then tosses Bourne in the air catching him with a European uppercut on the way down. Kofi looks to jump to the top rope, but Bourne ducks and stacks up Kofi for a two count. Kofi hits the SOS for a two count, but Bourne is back with a spin kick and a knee to the face. He heads to the top rope, but Kofi is there. Bourne jumps off and heads back to the second rope, but he jumps into trouble in paradise for the pin at 2:48. Nice match, but again terribly rushed. They packed about as much into 3 minutes as possible though.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Pinfall-Trouble in Paradise **)

-HHH continues discussing things with the now bandaged up Shawn cutout, when the guest hosts stop by to get last second advice for Maria’s match. HHH plugs his book, and then wants to know if she remembers his advice. She says all he taught her was a few kicks and how to put him in a headscissor for fifteen minutes. Chavo stops by and wants to know whats up with him and Swoggle, but HHH says he doesn’t like the troll anymore than he does and wants to sue him for gimmick infringement. Chavo then gets all indignant saying he should be the captain of Team Raw, so HHH has Maria practice her kick blasting Chavo in the nuts. Back to the Shawn cutout, and Shawn saying via speaker phone that if we’re not down with that he’s got two words for us.

Six Diva Tag Team Match: Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, & Alicia Fox vs. Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Maria Menounos (w. Nancy O’Dell)
We get a preview of Maria’s new movie “Serial Buddies” not due out until next year, and it looks pretty awful. Gail starts out with Alicia and rolls her up for one. She grabs an armdrag, and tags in Maria who comes in and beals Alicia a couple of times by her hair. Maria hits a nice sunset flip which instantly might make her the second best wrestler in the match, but Alicia is able to make the tag to Beth. Beth gets in Maria’s face, but she gets a kick and slap before tagging out to Kelly. Kelly gets the wrath of the Glamazon as she is met with a spinning sidewalk slam, and then is driven into the heel corner before a tag is made to Rosa. Kelly regains control and hits her handspring splash into the corner, but gets a shot from Rosa. Rosa goes after the faces in the corner, but Maria drops her on the top rope. Kelly then hits a legdrop which finishes Rosa at 2:25. This was short, and shockingly not terrible. Maria did not embarrass herself at all in what little bit she did. That’s more than we can say for most of these ladies lately.
Winners: Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Maria Menounos (Kelly pins Rosa-Legdrop *1/2)

-New US Champion The Miz is out and asks that the crowd show some respect for the new Champ. He asks if he’s bragging too much, and then tells us to get used to it. He says we need to get used to it, as in two weeks the US Champion from Raw will be taking on the Intercontinental Champion from Smackdown John Morrison. OH, SWEET JESUS YES. Miz says he was the talent of the tag team, and Morrison was nothing more than a hairdo with abs. He calls John the new Richard Simmons, and says in 10 years time when he’s still wearing bedazzled tank tops and hanging out with 400 pound women Miz will be the face of the number 1 show in Sports Entertainment.

Randy Orton & John Cena vs. Legacy
So in the past week the Cardinals were swept from the playoffs, the Blues lost their first two home games, Mizzou football choked away a 12 point fourth quarter lead at home to Nebraska, The Rams continued their quest to be the worst NFL team ever, and even tonight Evan Bourne lost his Bragging Rights Qualifier. Only Randy Orton is left to salvage the worst sports week in Gateway City History. Orton says he just got off the phone with Snoop Dogg, and he told him that next week will be Cena’s last on Raw. After hearing that Snoop agreed that Cena will compete in one of the biggest matches of his career, but declines to tell us what that will be. I would pay top dollar to listen to a phone conversation between Snoop and Orton. Cole says we’ll find out the details on that match when this one is complete. Orton goes to the floor not even pretending he will be tagging in, and Dibiase starts the match with Cena. Cena grabs a go behind and takes down Dibiase, before grabbing a front facelock. Dibiase elbows free and sends Cena into the Legacy corner stomping him down. Rhodes tags in and stomps Cena a bit before tagging Teddy back in. Dibiase delivers a standing dropkick for two, and then hits a powerslam for another two count. Rhodes tags back in and locks in a modified camel clutch, which he turns into a rear chinlock. Cena stands up and counters into a protoplex, and that allows him to tag an unsuspecting Orton into the match. Cena stands on the floor to ensure that Orton can’t return the favor. Orton grabs a side headlock on Cody, but Rhodes counters into a rollup for two. Dibiase tags himself in and rolls Orton up twice for two counts before Orton goes and tags Cena into the match. Orton and Cena make REALLY ANGRY FACES at each other, before Cena decides to turn his attention back to Teddy. Cena hits a pair of shoulderblocks and a protoplex which sets up the five knuckle shuffle. Orton tags himself into the match, but Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Dibiase. Orton pulls Dibiase off Cena’s shoulders and goes to work on him, but Dibiase rolls him up from behind and gets the pin at 6:09. An insensed Orton screams at Legacy, but turns around long enough to get an Attitude Adjustment from Cena.
Winners: Legacy (Dibiase pins Orton-Rollup **1/2)

-Next Week’s Huge Main Event for John Cena’s potential Raw Finale will be John Cena vs. Triple H.

-So lets see here. Celebrities wrestling? Check. The same title changing hands twice? Check. Tag team partner’s wrestling each other? Check. Tag team partner’s who hate each other? Check. Tons of rollup finishes? Check. This show was right out of the Russo playbook. It wasn’t all bad mind you. Both Legacy members getting clean (albeit cheap) victories over the two top guys was nice to see, and a few of the segments provided some legit laugh out loud moments. They did a good job of selling the pay per view concept, but all in all the bad on this show far outweighed any of the good.