411’s WWE Smackdown Report: 09.24.05

We’ve got three shows before No Mercy, so I think the card will start to take some form tonight. Maybe we’ll get a match for Benoit, a joke of a tag title contest, some stuff like that. I don’t expect the bulk of the card to be exposed yet, but hell, I don’t expect that the bulk of the card has been decided yet. In any case, it’s Smackdown time!

Booker T versus Christian

Christian dodges a lockup, then gets backed into the corner when they do grapple. Booker breaks cleanly, and Christian gets a waistlock. Standing switch by Booker, but Christian elbows out. Christian goes to the ropes, but Booker takes him over with a hiptoss. Another lockup, and Booker gets a headlock. Christian pushes him off, leapfrogs, and takes a clothesline after a hiptoss attempt. Booker gets a chop, and Christian slides out of the ring. Booker gives chase, Christian slides back in and gets stomps. He beats on Booker in the corner, then whips him across the ring. Booker jumps over a corner charge, then gets a backdrop. Booker goes to work on Christian with slaps and chops in the corner. He climbs to the second turnbuckle and starts punch, but Christian Powerbombs him down for two. He chokes Booker against the second rope, then gets a snapmare, a face rake, and settles on a chinlock. Booker gets up, but Christian yanks him down by the hair for one. Christian stomps on Booker’s head, then presses his boot into it. Booker fights back with right hands, but Christian sweeps him down and covers with his feet on the ropes. Nick Patrick stops the count when he notices, and both men get up. Punches are traded, Christian runs to the ropes, and a double clothesline occurs. Both men get up, and Booker blocks Christian’s punches. Booker nails some of his own, then gets a back elbow, clothesline, and side kick for two. Booker sends Christian to the corner, but Christian elbows a charge. Booker hits a desperation flapcake, then signals for the Spin-A-Roonie, but Christian kicks him. Booker rolls Christian up in the corner after getting whipped for two, then hits a Spinebuster for two. Christian gets a clothesline, then unties the turnbuckle pat. Sharmell tells Patrick who makes him stop. Booker hits the Bookend, but Patrick is still talking to Sharmell. When he finally gets back, Christian manages to kick out. Booker gets the Spin-A-Roonie, but Christian pulls Patrick in the way to prevent a kick. Christian then scores an eye poke, sends Booker shoulderfirst to the ring post, and hits a reverse DDT for two, as Sharmell is talking to the referee again. Booker pushes Christian off of the Unprettier, then Sharmell trips him up as he hits the ropes. This lets Booker get a rollup for the win.

Winner: Booker T
Match Time: 9:28
Rating: ***1/4
Commentary: Good match, but a little overbooked with the Sharmell-Nick Patrick stuff.

Backstage, Eddie doesn’t feel good. He still wants to team with Batista against MNM, though. He runs to the bathroom, presumably flooding from both ends. Teddy Long and Palmer Canon are both grossed out.

When we get back from a commercial, Jillian Hall is in the ring, giving a pro-Texas speech in association with JBL (they’re in Houston). JBL rides out on a horse (very nervously), wearing a George W. Bush-at-home-on-the-ranch ensemble. He dismounts, then heads into the ring. JBL compliments Jillian (shying away from calling her beautiful, though), and then talks up New York City. Still, he was born in Texas, so he’s glad to be there. He actually knocks on Bush a bit, then refers to himself as Mr. Smackdown. He insults illegal immigrants, then calls himself a wrestling god. This interview was REALLY rambling.

The Legion of Doom versus Jared Steele and Anthony Coletti

The LOD jump the jobbers from the opening bell, with Heidenreich whipping Coletti into the corner and nailing a clothesling. Tag to Animal, who slams Coletti. He tags Steele, who gets some punches on Animal before taking one from him. Animal whips and gets a powerslam, and we get the thumbs up. Tag to Heidenreich, Doomsday Device, that’s that.

Winners: The Legion of Doom
Match Time: 1:10
Rating: *
Commentary: Considering the length, the talent, and the squashiness, not terrible. Animal slammed his way to a star.

Backstage, Sylvain is getting a temple massage when he overhears Stacy and Christy talking. He chides their fashion sense, when Bob Holly interrupts. He wants to give him a back eye to match his black clothing. Now THAT’S clever.

Sylvan versus Hardcore Holly

Hey, he dropped the “i.” And he’s a self-proclaimed “Fashion Consultant.” Great. They show some modeling shots of his. So make him a model, not a FASHION CONSULTANT! Hopefully, they veer towards that path. Holly has Stacy and Christy with him, but he doesn’t offer them to Sylvan prior to the match. Sylvan jumps Holly, but Holly ducks a clothesline and chops away a bunch of times. Holly whips Sylvan, who catches himself on the ropes and sends Holly over. Sylvan follows and tosses Holly back in, where he hits two elbow drops and a kneedrop. He chokes Holly on the second rope, then punches him in the face. Sylvan whips Holly across the ring, then gets a high knee in the corner. Sylvan gets a vertical suplex for two, then a bodyslam. Kneedrop gets two. Sylvan gets punches, but Holly reverses a whip and nails a dropkick. Punches are traded, Holly runs to the ropes and gets a clothesline. Another clothesline, then a backdrop, and finally, a full nelson slam, all by Holly. Holly lifts Sylvan for the Alabama Slam, but Sylvan rolls over into a Sunset Flip for two. Sylvan gets a clothesline, then goes up top and hits a Missile Dropkick. He vogues for the camera, then argues with Christy and Stacy. Holly slugs him in the face, and Holly heads out, giving Holly the countout victory.

Winner: Hardcore Holly
Match Time: 4:36
Rating: **1/4
Commentary: The ending was stupid, and the beginning sucked, but portions of the middle were passable.

Backstage, Batista is doing single-arm curls with 50 pound dumbbells. Awww. That’s a letdown. I was hoping for at least a thousand pounds. Long tells Batista that Eddie is sick. Batista is neither surprised, nor disturbed by the news.

Back from the commercial, the ring is set up for a funeral, with Bob Orton presiding. He introduces Randy, who makes his way to the ring. Randy has Bob open the casket, and the fake UT is inside. Yeah, I can see where this is headed. Orton talks about his ability to play mind games, and says that he scored a mental victory over the Undertaker last week. Good, and Muhammad Hassan, King Kong Bundy, Giant Gonzalez, Luther Reigns, the F.B.I., and dozens of others also scored mental victories. Meanwhile, Taker stirs, and the audience sees it on the big screen. Orton doesn’t, of course, so he continues. Orton gets down close to the casket, and Taker grabs his throat. He sits up, gets out, rolls his eyes, and tosses Orton into the casket, toppling it. Cowboy Bob pulls him out, and that’s a wrap.

Ken Kennedy versus Rey Mysterio

Kennedy is impressed, as Tony Chimel’s announcing of him is much improved. He apologizes to Chimel, hugs him, then tells him to bow, nailing him with a low blow. Kennedy reaches up, and a house microphone comes down from the ceiling. Rey dodges a kick to start, then hits one of his own. He jumps on Kennedy’s shoulders, then whips him out of the ring with his leg. That’s Rey for ya. Rey does the old 619 fakeout, then Kennedy gets back in. Rey takes him down with a drop toe hold, then gets two. Rey hits a knee, but Kennedy reverses a whip and catches Rey with a flapjack into a uranage into a backbreaker. He goes to work on Rey’s back with kneedrops, then covers for two. Kennedy puts Rey on his shoulder, but Rey slides down and shoves him into the turnbuckle. A back elbow by Kennedy puts things back in his favor. Rey gets a rollup for two, then reverses a swinging uranage into a DDT. Rey kicks at Kennedy’s legs, then gets a hurricanrana. Springboard Mosh Pit from the apron gets two. Kennedy whips Rey to the corner, but Rey boots the charge. He goes for the leg-wrap face slam, but Kennedy reverses into a back suplex for two. Kennedy pounces on Rey, but Rey moves, as Kennedy sets himself up for the 619. Kennedy dodges, but Rey jumps to the apron and hits a legdrop. Rey goes up top (which he doesn’t usually do, of course), but gets distracted by Bradshaw on his horse. This allows Kennedy to pop up and hit the Lambeau Leap for the win.

Winner: Ken Kennedy
Match Time: 5:20
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Kennedy had some nice moves, but most of the goodness in the match was courtesy of Rey. Also, Rey climbing to the top turnbuckle seemed like too much of a setup, as he does it so rarely.

Teddy Long and Palmer Canon are impressed by the Raw Homecoming commercial, and Long has an idea of how to compete.

Sharmell is proud of Booker, and tells him he needs gold. She wants to tell him something, but thinks better of it. Booker asks her to tell, and she does: Ken Kennedy (whom Booker calls a fruit-booty- yes!) mentioned that he should be getting a U.S. Title shot. Booker seems to consider the idea of challenging Benoit.

Backstage, Eddie is antagonistic to a medical trainer, but not a hot nurse. His stomach hurts, right where it says “Papi,” and slightly lower. That pretty much made the whole segment, and the whole series of segments.

Simon Dean versus Bobby Lashley

Dean cuts a promo about how great he feels, thanks to the Simon System. Give him anybody, he says. Chimel reads Lashley’s accolades, which scares Dean. He’s got a lot of amateur wrestling honors. Lockup to start, and Lashley throws Dean down. Dean gets up in the corner, and drinks some shake. He extends a hand, but kicks Lashley in the gut. He tries a whip, but Lashley doesn’t move. Running shoulder, rear takedown. Lashley grabs Dean by the hair and pants and slams him against the mat repeatedly. Dean rakes the eyes and kicks Lashley in the legs, then hits a shoulderblock from the second turnbuckle. Lashley kicks out after one, and Dean tries to immobilize him on the mat, intersparsed with punches. Lashley starts doing pushups with Dean on his back, then rams him back into the corner. Lashley gets a back elbow and two forearms, then what looked like a chickenwing suplex. He gives Dean a falling Dominator, scoring the win.

Winner: Bobby Lashley
Match Time: 2:49
Rating: **
Commentary: The match itself was nothing special, but Lashley looked good. Lots of charisma. Let’s see if they shoot their proverbial load with him, or just put him over jobbers for months like we’ve seen so many times.

WWE United States Championship Match: Chris Benoit © versus Orlando Jordan

Benoit chases Jordan, who goes to the ropes for safety. Benoit kicks the rope, hitting his groin, then hiptosses him back in the ring. Jordan blocks the Crossface, then goes back to the ropes. He notices on the timer that he has beaten his record, then jumps for joy. This affords Benoit the opportunity to put on the Crossface for the win.

Winner: Chris Benoit
Match Time: 49.8 seconds
Rating: *1/4
Commentary: Funny, and Benoit won. So who’s to complain?

Backstage, Eddie is getting a massage from the nurse. Not one of those massages, but he seems to act like it is one. Batista takes her place, hurting Eddie, who opens his eyes to see the Animal. Batista got Eddie the best doctor in town- a very effeminate man who bends Eddie over and puts on a glove. We get a close-up of Eddie’s contorted, yelling face as we go to commercial.

Michael Cole announces a handicap Casket Match (Ortons versus Undertaker) at No Mercy.

MNM versus Batista and Eddie Guerrero

The match starts without Eddie, who staggers to ringside as Mercury circles Batista. He takes Mercury down with a shoulder, and MNM confer. Lockup, and Batista shoves Mercury back. Does that have to happen EVERY time a big guy and small guy grapple? Mercury heads out, Batista follows, and Nitro tries to attack, but Batista punches both guys. Eddie heads back to the stage in pain, and Batista clotheslines NM down. Nitro goes out of the ring, Mercury fails at a whip. Batista gets a choke hang, which Nitro breaks with a side kick. Nitro gets the tag, and punches away on Batista. Tag to Mercury, and Nitro gets a chop block. Mercury scores a neckbreaker, then a kneedrop for two. Eddie is back at ringside showing support as Mercury gets a second neckbreaker for two. Tag to Nitro, and MNM get a double suplex for two. Nitro kicks away at Batista, then punches away in the corner. Eddie’s walking around. Batista gets a big spear, and Nitro tags Mercury. Joey Mercury pushes away, then scores a clothesline with little effect. Batista rans Mercury into the corner and gets shoulder thrusts, then sends Nitro in and clotheslines both. He whips Nitro across the ring, clothesline Mercury, Spinebusters Nitro. Clothesline on Mercury, and it’s rope shaking time, thumbs up thumbs down. Batista Bomb on Mercury, and Eddie tags himself in from the apron. He goes up top and hits the Frog Splash for the win. He gives Batista the belt and raises his arm, all while playing sick.

Winners: Batista and Eddie Guerrero
Match Time: 5:56
Rating: **
Commentary: Pretty slow and plodding, and the one-sided demolition of WWE’s top team was kind of depressing to watch.

That’s it for this week. Nothing stellar in-ring, but some interesting development in terms of new guys. See you on Velocity!