VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: UXW Chris Candido Memorial Show

UXW Chris Candido Memorial Show 5/??/05

Apparently, Paul Heyman now punishes WWE trainees who mess up by making them watch UXW shows. Rumor has it that this is becoming a very effective deterrent. Come feel their pain, won’t you?

This show apparently was released by two companies, RFVideo and TCTapes.net. The TC version has The Mic’s commentary. The Mic is the guy who gets all the indy scoops and runs doiwrestling.net, which I write for as well as 411. I got the commentary version.

All the wrestlers come out to the ring for a ten bell salute to Chris Candido.

Candido Cup Royal Rumble:

– Last guy in the ring gets the cup.

– There’s JUGGALOS in the crowd! I had no idea they still existed. In the pecking order of niche cultists, Juggalos are above Furries but below those Poser Mobile guys.

– The “Rednecks From Hell” get a big entrance, accompanied by the Diamond Vixen. This seems kind of fucked up to have ticket selling jobbers competing for a cup bearing Candido’s name. What, is a trophy in his honor so worthless that a random dude with little to no training can hold it? I’d have liked it if they put a bunch of the big name guys on the card to compete in a mini-tournament for the cup or something a little more worthy than this.

– One of the Rednecks has the gall to call himself The New Dynamite Kid. The real Dynamite Kid could probably tear this guy a new hole from his wheelchair. The Mic just starts ripping on everybody in the ring, hahaha. What the hell kind
of promotion is this where they openly admit they put on shitty matches?

– haha oh jesus Danny Demanto comes out and he’s overweight, The Mic speculates that Danny is up to a C Cup. God damn this is some funny shit. This match is going to be AWFUL. hahaha Mic corrects himself, pointing out that Demanto is sporting a push-up bra.

– Apparently a number of these guys are legit wrestlers. Actually this isn’t so bad. Sure, it’s all kick/punch bullshit but all the strikes look good. The Christopher Street Connection enter the match! Those guys rule.

– Fucking Demanto completely no-sells a bunch of nice looking punches from some guy. Mic’s foul mouth is rubbing off on me. Then Alere Little Feather hits the ring and fires off some tomahawk chops, which Demanto doesn’t even turn around
to acknowledge being hit by. God I don’t ever want to see this guy wrestle again.

– Mic: “Here comes Dirt Bag Dan, this guy sold 30 fucking tickets to work this show.”

– One wrestler’s man boobs really should be censored, as we get a nipple slip right off the bat. Why is he wearing a unitard?

– Wait, Demanto suddenly starts selling and it’s awesome. Alere unloads on him, crowd loves it. I’ve never seen Alere on fire like she is here. Man this is going to be a REALLY long review. It’s only been 16 minutes since the show
started.

– While in the ring, Demanto looks at his friends in the crowd and jokes around with them while brutal beatings take place all around him. Yes, there is no illusion to be shattered in this match. What a joke.

– Mic says he’d like to see a “Worst of the ticket sellers” DVD and honestly so would I, as long as it is cheap and The Mic gets to rip on it on commentary. Ohhh boy here comes Tony DeVito. His tag matches actually make me hate wrestling.

– Mic keeps talking about how guys in T-shirts with non-roid physiques don’t “look like pro-wrestlers”. Hey, I’ll take Mick Foley, Homicide, New Jack, Necro Butcher and B-Boy over Chris Masters and Rob Conway any day.

– Chris Candido’s brother Johnny enters the match along with UXW champ Balls Mahoney. I was really, really impressed when Balls sat down and did some commentary on an IWC tape I saw. They should have him sit alongside The Mic. Anyway, Balls is over huge.

– Balls superkicks a jobber, it doesn’t connect. The guy pauses, then jumps at the ropes and pulls himself over and out. The Mic says we should rewind that over and over.

– It comes down to Balls vs. Candido, and a ref is called in. OK, so it’s a singles match now. If this were CZW the fans would probably riot, what with the lack of structure and everything.

– The match is pretty good. Tammy hits Balls with a foreign object for two. Justin Credible runs in and drops Balls. Candido covers him for the win. Good match! I actually got a kick out of the rumble, too. Seeing it live would make me want to kill myself, but the combination of The Mic tearing it apart and the handy fast forward button makes it fine with me.

Winner: Johnny Candido

INTERVIEW – Billy Gunn: He says he’s going to whoop Justin Credible’s ass and adjusts his WWE catchphrase to “Suck that”. Remember when Billy Gunn got that mega push and it totally sucked? Remember how nobody wanted to see him after DX
broke up? Well now he’s HERE! IN UXW! Something tells me we’re going to get a Sunday Night Heat match from 1998 right here in Bethpage. This is going to be
like time travel!

Poppalicious vs. Oman Tortuga:

– Oman Tortuga is a freaking star. And his promos are the shit.

– Early on, Tortuga goes for one of those moves I can’t describe and Poppalicious messes up. Crowd is about to fart on it, but Oman yells real quick
“get up bitch!” and lands a sweet jumping heel kick.

– Oman busts out a fisherman’s ONTO HIS KNEE! A minute later he hits a SICK vertical into a sitout brainbuster! God damn!

– Eddie Guapo runs in and hits an awkward move on Oman while the ref is distracted. Poppalicious covers for the win.

– After, Poppa’s manager cuts a promo but the fans talk over it, so who knows what he was saying.

Fun match, seemed like a Tortuga showcase. Poppa just sold. Seriously, Tortuga is awesome. I dunno if UXW develops wrestlers and brings them to the top, but I bet they could do it with this guy.

Winner: Poppalicious

Justin Credible vs. Billy Gunn:

– I would have liked to see these two take on younger guys in fresh match-ups. This is not a match I wanted to see even when they were in the major leagues.

– Billy is really funny messing with the ref on the pat down. Ref Hanson fears touching Mr Ass’s tights. They stall and joke with the fans for a good 8 minutes. Again, live this would fucking suck. But fast forward makes it all a harmless blur.

– Stall… Tie up…. Stall…. Stall……. Arm wringer………. Arm
wringer……… Billy makes Credible’s arm look like a giant penis…..HEADLOCK GOD SOMEBODY KILL ME……. Wait! A DROPKICK! HOLY SHIT! Credible is
devastated by this move and stumbles at ringside while Billy celebrates like he won the IC title, and gives that never-stale DX crotch chop! Boy I tell ya, the WWE Style really makes moves mean something! What a dropkick!

– Ringside Brawling… God I hate ringside brawling. A few minutes of pushing each other into guardrails. Then Billy whips Justin into a plastic trash can and Mic gives a Gabe Sapolsky-sized “DANGEROOUUUSSSSSS”! hahahha. This match sucks,
by the way.

– A table is propped up against a wall and Credible is hiptossed into it. It bounces and flops to the ground, unbroken. EC DUB! EC DUB!

– Credible tries again and suplexes Gunn through the table, that was pretty cool.

– They get back in the ring, and for the last four minutes put on an awesome series of moves, culminating in a fameasser on the chair. This gives substance to my theory that nobody remembers the first 16 minutes of a crapmatch, just the 4 minutes with a good finish.

– So…. these two might have been able to put on a good contest from start to finish… but they didn’t bother trying. Fuck this match.

Winner: Billy Gunn

The CSC come out! This should be good. Buff-E is gold on the mic (as always) and says that the Billy and Chuck wedding really hurt him. He says the CSC going to turn Billy gay. They rush the ring and Gunn beats them down. Then they make out in front of him. Mic: “That is so fucking gay”. Random color guy: “..so FUCKING HOT.” hahaha. Ass challenges the CSC to a match against him and the Road Dogg at the next show. Then Billy shows his ass. I know you need to see this. Once again, WRESTLING IS TOO GAY:

Hardcore rules – Axl Rotten vs. Corporal Robinson:

– Low Life Louie on color runs down some of the Rottens good stuff from ECW, including the AWESOME Tai Pei Death Match.

– Axl immediately cuts Corp open with a scissor. Corp stabs Axl in the arm, gross. Axl gets a wiffle bat covered in THUMBTACKS and hits Corp as hard as humanly possible right in the face. SICK! Heh heh crowd chants “EC DUB”.

– AXL busts out a CHEESEGRATER! Carves up Corp with it… awesome.

– Corp gets bodyslammed OFF THE TOP ROPE to the CONCRETE THROUGH A TABLE! SWEET JESUS! Axl follows up with an elbow off the apron and covers for the win.

– I don’t care what anyone says, I like hardcore wrestling. This is a match I would want to see live.

Winner: Axl Rotten

United States UXW Championship Match (vacated – last held by Chris Candido) – Andy Douglas vs. Mike Kruel:

– These two are proteges of Chris Candido… Man that’s really sad that Candido
passed away while holding this belt. Life is severely fucked up.

– Lots and lots of headlocks. Bodyscissors. Brief exchanges to little reaction.
Kruel is diesel but he doesn’t seem to have much personality at all. Douglas is
one half of The Naturals in TNA and last time I saw them, I couldn’t believe I
was paying money for that crap.

– Kruel does a stalled brainbuster, and The Mic counts the seconds Douglas is held in the air. Kruel holds it for 22. Claudio Castagnoli held it for 60 seconds at the last Chikara show, baby! Back to the chinlock.

– It goes on for awhile, crowd not into it and Mic and Louie start talking about how Low Ki doesn’t like it when people call wrestlers “workers”. Kruel hits a nice spinebuster, a .7 on the CW Anderson scale.

– Mike Kruel suddenly wins with his feet on the ropes.

Boring match.

Winner: Mike Kruel

UXW Extreme Championship Title Match – Kid Kash vs. Elix Skipper(c):

– I love Kid Kash. Elix is OVER in UXW. Mic says: “This match is like a black & white cookie exploding!” hahhaa.

– Boring mat stuff for a bit. I-miss, you-miss, I-miss thing. Elix hits a
beautiful legdrop as Kash is draped over the top rope. Elix soon follows up with
a slingshot CORKSCREW TO THE CONCRETE!

– Kash comes back with a SLINGSHOT RANA TO THE OUTSIDE! Man these guys are doing
some beautiful stuff. Kash boot-chokes Elix into a guardrail, and a little girl
starts crying uncontrollably.

– Kash takes control and works over Elix’s leg. This crowd is weird. They just kind of talk amongst themselves, even when Kash almost takes Elix’s head off with a brutal lariat.

– Kash with a SWEET double spring moonsault. Crowd reacts to the highspots, but not much else. Maybe they’re waiting for the finish like most of us have been trained to do.

– Long segment where Kash works the leg. Elix rallies with an AWESOME flipover lariat. Mic and Louie start praising Allah, which is sort of funny but sure doesn’t help this match, which is decent. Plus they’re yelling so loud you have to adjust your volume.

– Elix goes up and hits a missile dropkick, and the leg injury has magically disappeared. This is the kind of stuff people shit on RVD for, but I don’t really care.

– Kash holds Elix up for an atomic drop, but then slams him FACE FIRST to the mat. Awesome move! Kash covers.. only two. Crowd mumbles to each other, not paying attention. Jesus Christ.

– Out of nowhere, Elix hits his finisher for the win. Crowd cheers.

If they shortened this and cut the dull mat stuff down a bit, this would have
been a real good match. But this ended up being a mix of boredom and sweet
spots. The crowd only paying attention to big moves made it suck a little more.

Winner: Elix Skipper

Elix gets on the rope, doesn’t need a mike. He says he made something of himself and rips on a guy who must have been heckling him the whole match. Crowd loves it.

Backstage, Andy Douglas talks about Kruel and how he thinks he has a bright future. People keep walking through a door off camera and it squeaks over the whole promo. Couldn’t they bother to do a re-take? Christ.

That’s the end of Disc one. God. This is hell.

Disc Two

INTERVIEW: A faction called “Knightlife” comes out. It’s two guys who look like pizza delivery drivers, along with Trent Acid and Trinity. Trent takes the mike and tries to get people to pay attention or react but nobody bothers. They
announce a new member – Justin Credible. A few people clap politely. Wow. Awkward.

Simply Luscious vs. Alere Little Feather:

– The commentators talk as loud as possible about the DOI message board until the match is over. Luscious with a powerbomb. Real short, harmless match. The commentary was really annoying and made it hard to sit through. Mic and Louie had left the booth, it was Danny Demanto and Rayza talking and man they are annoying. They’re also pretty wasted from the sound of it. They start screaming
into the microphone and you just have to fast forward.

Winner: Simply Luscious

Masked Maniac & Shark Boy vs. The Christopher Street Connection:

– The Mic and whoever he’s with are screaming about somebody’s tights, SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I am going to turn off the sound for awhile.

– So does the CSC get paid for all the extra work they’re doing on this show or what?

– Buff E does a bit where he faints before Shark Boy chops him, funny stuff. Soon after, the gay-o-meter explodes as Buff E dry-humps Masked Maniac in the corner. Then Maniac gets kissed. Then he puts his face in Mase’s crotch…Maniac stuffs hot dogs in the CSC’s mouths… Maniac gets dry-humped doggy style. Wow, this belongs in the Gay Pro Wrestling Federation, I’d say. The
Maniac just came out of the closet in this one. In addition to basically putting on a softcore gay live show here, the Maniac throws three, count them, three clotheslines as his offense so far. Meanwhile, the hilarious Shark Boy’s role is
to… stand on the apron and wait to go home.

– Shark Boy actually gets tagged in. He does 20 seconds of wristlocks, and tags back out. Maniac is back in, and he takes a camel clutch/tongue kiss combo. Seriously… A little of the outrageous gay spots is fun. But this is pretty
much totally gay. If I want to watch guys make out, I’ll go to some parties over at Vassar College.

– Maniac did a suplex… And now he pretty much blew an irish whip somehow. He decided to change which corner he was sending Mase to mid-move.

– Maniac unloads with a cool bomb of some sort. Shark Boy tags in, hits his finisher, and calls it a day.

I feel dirty. They could have put a pizza boy from Knightlife with Maniac and had the same match.

Winners: Closeted gay wrestling fans

Ian Rotten vs. CM Punk:

– I turned the sound on. Mic: “Ian Rotten’s forehead looks like Dana Dameson’s pussy”.

– I know a lot of people love Punk. I don’t know what it is, but every time I see him wrestle he does absolutely nothing of interest. I don’t know if I’m not seeing the right stuff or what. He comes out to a country song wearing a girl’s
softball shirt. He doesn’t bother throwing up the “X” sign. Honestly I am finding the chipmunk version of punk (Chikara’s CP Munk) to be far more
entertaining than his human alter-ego here tonight.

– Rotten does a handstand counter out of an armbar!! Damn! CM Punk follows this up with 3 or 4 minutes of mind-numbing stalling. CM then unleashes sporadic series of stomps, devasting stomps for minutes and minutes.

– Mic slips in a bunch of shots at ROH, alleging the entire federation has chlymidia. Mic notes that the crowd isn’t “popping” for anything these two are doing, and says we want blood.

– Punk gets his ass exposed, a spot i believe Candido did, and Punk’s butt flies all over the place as Rotten gives him a series of sphincter-exposing holds and slams. Crowd is loving the butt stuff.

– Ian finally pulls up the tights and fans cheer.. Then Ian proceeds to give Punk a brutal wedgie, actually quite reminiscent of Rikishi’s tights. Rikishi… How is he not in UXW? I bet the Masked Maniac would love to get in the ring with him and get up to his neck in a stinkface while the CSC gives him a hot oil massage.

– Punk locks in a cross arm breaker and holds it for what feels like an eternity. Suddenly Demanto (I think) yells “DANGGERRROUUUSSSS!” hahaha

– CM Punk arbitrarily locks in a side mounted headlock or something and the bell rings. Ian tapped I guess. Crowd doesn’t care. Punk gets some laughs by getting shoved around by the ref and stumbling all over the place. Mic notes this
deserves a “Match of the year” chant, hahahha.

So is CM Punk completely overrated or what?! I am STILL waiting to see a decent match of his. DeManto and Mic say this match had an incredible finish that had the crowd on their feet, hahaha these guys have balls. It’s true. This match fucking sucked.

Winner: CM Punk

UXW Tag Title Match – The Solution vs. Knightlife (Mike Tobin & Trent
Acid):

– Ohhh no. The Solution. So boring. OH NOOO KNIGHTLIFE? COME ON! COME ON, PEOPLE!

– Apparently Billy Reil no-showed. Danny Demanto says it’s because he’s a coke head. I hear Reil has allegedly done another heroic act in real life. That con worked once on me, I put a short interview with him in one of my columns on 411 right after his second incredible act of real life heroism that is not probably a load of bullshit.

– Trinity and Credible and some other miscellaneous people are at ringside. How
come Trinity didn’t wrestle Alere Little Feather? Trinity’s not very good but she has two awesome moves.

– One of these Solution guys alomost kills Tobin with a sloppy spinebuster where Tobin lands right on his tailbone. He follows up immediately with an elbow drop right on that spot, just in case it wasn’t all fucked up yet.

– I can’t handle this. I am skimming this match. Wait… Acid hits a huge missile dropkick that the crowd loves. He follows up with a moonsault off the second rope, by God the crowd is actually into something on this card! Knightlife unloads a series of great looking double teams. Acid hits a blue thunder driver, but this being a pretty gay show, Acid adds in a little pelvic thrusting toward his victim’s ass.

– Acid’s pretty good here, but there is something just legitimately unlikable about him. And not in a “heel heat” kind of way, it’s more of a “get off this show” X-Pac thing. Maybe that’s just me, though.

– A THREE MAN SUPERKICK gives Knightlife the win.

I thought this was going to suck, but it was pretty good. Maybe even the best match so far. As Knightlife poses, Trinity is all over Acid. They’re probably going to go in the back and do some blow. UXW is sleazy like that.

Winners: Knightlife

UXW World Title Match – D Lo vs. Balls Mahoney(c):

– Ugghhhh. GOD. I am starting to hate this disc. The actual disc, just for holding the digital video of this God Damn indy shitshow.

– I don’t hate D Lo or Balls Mahoney. I just don’t buy them as champs. Maybe they’ll win me over.

– Ringside Brawling. D Lo chairshot. 12 minutes of stomping and headlocks. Yes I timed it. D Lo Superplex. Selling. Balls Superplex. Balls with a BEAUTIFUL frogsplash! Wow! D Lo with a powerbomb and the frogsplash! Only two! Balls hits
a Michinoku Driver as Mic starts sarcastically calling this match as if it were the greatest thing ever. D Lo kicks out and Mic yells DANGGERROUSSS and it’s still funny, because at least he’s admitting that this entire show is a complete fucking joke.

– Balls wins with a quick roll up, he grabbed the rope for leverage? No one cares. Balls and D Lo shake hands.

Long and boring until the last few minutes, like most wrestling matches.

Winner: Balls Mahoney

Thank God. The main event. It’s almost over! End it! Please make this match short! PLEASE DEAR GOD I HATE THIS SO MUCH!

Raven vs. The Sandman:

– Sandman does his entrance, heh heh I love it when he busts himself open with a beer can.

– Raven gets on the mike and says tonight will feature these two in a technical wrestling match, as Raven doesn’t feel like getting hit with chairs tonight. Sandman responds by caning the referee. Raven has a second ref ready, and this
ref confirms that any infraction will mean a DQ. Raven rules.

– Ref enforces the rules, crowd busts out a “Jonny Polo” chant, hahaha.
Headlocks in the ring. Headlocks out of the ring. Ref bump… Mick Foley’s music
hits!

– Foley declares this a Raven’s Rules match, where anything is legal. I think
he’s going to ref this now.

– Cane shots. Ringside brawling. Table propped up at an angle about one foot off the floor, Sandman is whipped at it, he tries to reverse but spins and trips backward through the table.

– Back in the ring, Raven gets whipped into a ladder propped up on a turnbuckle. A couple neat spots… Sandman grabs Simply Luscious, who is in Raven’s corner, and gives her a top rope rana. Raven gets pissed at Foley for not doing
anything, but this is a Raven’s Rules match…

– Foley punches Raven and busts out the Socko Claw. Sandman goes to cane Raven but ends up hitting Socko. Socko is BUSTED OPEN! hahaha the sock is all red, awesome. Raven covers, but Foley can’t count to three because slapping his hand
against the mat hurts too bad.

– Raven then gets a black stocking, puts it on his hand, and gives Foley the EVIL SOCKO CLAW! Then Mick pulls it out, looks at it, and does what everyone used to tell him people should do… He bites down on BLACK SOCKO~!

– Foley DDT, Sandman covers for the win.

Fun match! Foley gets on the mike and does a JR impression: “You busted Mr Socko WIDE OPEN”. haha Foley is awesome. He then talks about Candido, so does Tammy. A nice way to end the show.

Winner: Sandman

At last, it’s over. As a tribute to Candido and a fundraiser, it was good. As a wrestling show, I hated it. It was long. It was boring. Half the wrestlers were not exactly trying hard. There was no direction, there were no angles, there was
nothing to make me want to see the next show, the previous show, or any UXW show ever again. It’s pretty clear nobody really gives a fuck about UXW from the wrestlers to the fans to the announcers.

If you like a show where you can hang out, drink a beer and have fun for awhile, then I guess UXW is good for you. Me, I hope never to have to sit through a show like this for the rest of my life. If I wasn’t reviewing this I would have turned it off after skimming it for a good 15 minutes.

On a totally unrelated note, I have a DVD on sale at ivpvideos.com for $4. It’s got a bunch of good stuff on it including a Mike Awesome/Masato Tanaka match from FMW and some indy stuff. I made up a snazzy cover and everything.

Shilling aside, I give this show a ONE out of FIVE.