The Shimmy 02.02.09: WrestleMania 25 – The Final Stab

Happy Groundhog Day, everybody. I hope everyone had a great Super Bowl weekend and is ready to try and cope with life without pigskin. March Madness and the WrestleMania season normally help me manage. Since it is Groundhog Day it seems fitting that I run a familiar column once again (plus, if I’m being honest, it’s an easy out after a long week of student teaching and Super Bowl weekend, sue me). Everyone seems to be throwing their two cents in about what they think the final WrestleMania card will look like. Over the past week alone there have been a few curveballs thrown into what many of us had assumed. This week, as I’ve done in years prior, with the Royal Rumble behind us I’ll take one last stab at the card. Fantasy booking haters (of whom I know there are many and I legitimately feel your pain) might want to go ahead and click the back button now, unless you feel particularly inclined to tell me I suck.

Just for shits and giggles I thought I’d include my other attempts at predicting this card over the past year just to see how my thought process has changed (and will inevitably fail) throughout this project. Enjoy mocking me.

Attempt No. 1: Post-WrestleMania XXIV (3/31/08)

– WWE Title Match: Triple H© vs. Jeff Hardy
– Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Mr. Kennedy
– John Cena vs. Batista
– World Heavyweight Title & ECW Title, 2 Fall Triple Threat Match: MVP© vs. Matt Hardy vs. Edge
– Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
– Big Show vs. The Great Khali
– Legends Battle Royal
– Kelly Kelly, Maria, Candice Michelle, & Ashley Massaro (w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Melina, & Victoria (w/ Jillian Hall); Guest Referee: Trish Stratus
– Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho vs. Finlay vs. Kane vs. Umaga vs. John Morrison vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Randy Orton (minus one)
– Next Generation Showdown: Carlito & Chavo Guerrero vs. Cody Rhodes & DH Smith; Guest Referee: Shane McMahon
– JBL vs. CM Punk

Attempt No. 2: The Birthday Blowout (8/25/08)

– World Heavyweight Title Match: Randy Orton© vs. Jeff Hardy
– WWE Title Match: Edge© vs. Mr. Kennedy
– John Cena vs. Batista
– Triple H & Floyd “Money” Mayweather vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin & Rey Mysterio
– Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker
– BunnyMania II: Kelly Kelly & Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya; Guest Referee: Trish Stratus
– ECW Title, Triple Threat Match: Matt Hardy© vs. John Morrison vs. The Miz
– Money in the Bank Ladder Match: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito vs. R-Truth vs. Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston
– Intercontinental Title Match: Santino Marella© vs. Kane
– Battle of the Brands: Umaga vs. Mark Henry
– World Tag Team Title Match: William Regal & Paul Birchill© vs. Finlay & Hornswoggle
– WWE.com FreeView, Money in the Bank Qualifying Battle Royal (Winner: Kofi Kingston)

Attempt No. 3: Survivor Series Inspired (11/17/08)

– WWE Title Match: Jeff Hardy© vs. Edge
– World Heavyweight Title Match: John Cena© vs. Batista
– Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
– Mr. Kennedy & Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Triple H & Randy Orton
– ECW Title Match: Matt Hardy© vs. Ted DiBiase
– Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk
– Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Evan Bourne vs. Christian vs. R-Truth vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. JBL vs. The Brian Kendrick vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes (minus two)
– World Tag Team Title, Losers Must Disband Match: John Morrison & The Miz© vs. Cryme Tyme
– Intercontinental Title Match: William Regal© vs. Finlay
– Biggest Battle Royal of All Time (Big Show, Kane, Umaga, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Vladimir Kozlov, Mike Knox, Jack Swagger, etc.)
– BunnyMania II: Carlito & Nikki Bella vs. Primo & Brie Bella
– Dark Match: Chavo Guerrero vs. Kung Fu Naki

And now, after all these months and all these rough drafts, I bring to you my final work.

First off, let me humbly offer my suggestion that Vince McMahon and Co. do whatever they can to get Bruce Springsteen there to sing “America the Beautiful.” The Boss has a gig in Austin, TX that day (and will be in Houston a few days later) which is only a little under three hours away. With a 7:00 start for Mania and probably a 8:00 or 8:30 concert start its certainly doable. Besides, it’s not like Bruce was going to start his concert on time anyhow. A big check and use of the corporate jet and you could have a nice addition to your show to go along with AC/DC (and apparently rumor has it that they’ll be co-headliners of a European concert later this year). Maybe Mickey Rourke could call in a favor. The Inauguration, the Super Bowl, and then WrestleMania. Sounds good to me.

WWE FreeView, 25 Man Money in the Bank Qualifying Battle Royal: MVP vs. Kane vs. Mike Knox vs. William Regal vs. R-Truth vs. The Brian Kendrick vs. The Great Khali vs. Mark Henry vs. Goldust vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Hurricane Helms vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Ricky Ortiz vs. DJ Gabriel vs. Festus vs. Paul Birchill vs. Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Kung Fu Naki vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Santino Marella vs. The Boogeyman vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Ezekiel Jackson vs. Jesse vs. Scotty Goldman

I like the idea of making the traditional “get everyone on the show” dark match something that’s actually meaningful. That way you can have some more high profile names that didn’t make the main show without it seeming like a total waste. Here I’d have MVP win the Battle Royal and a spot in the Money in the Bank Match as a means of continuing MVP’s building his way back up.

Lumberjill Match: Trish Stratus & Melina vs. Beth Phoenix & Michelle McCool

Having Melina in that role is debatable, it’d just be whatever face Diva they are pushing the hardest, and right now that would be either Melina or Maria, and Melina is the better choice in terms of having a good match. The Glamazon and Michelle the McCool are the two top heel Divas at the moment, and I would imagine McCool would win back the Diva’s Title between now and then. Trish has all but confirmed that she’ll be involved in a match at WrestleMania, and having her up in a tag match against both Phoenix and McCool touches on both of the matches that have been rumored. The Lumberjill stipulation seems to be a yearly deal now so that all the Divas can get on the show.

World Tag Team Title/WWE Tag Team Title, Fatal Four-Way Unification Match: Cryme Tyme vs. John Morrison & The Miz vs. Priceless vs. Carlito & Primo

I normally brush off the talk of title unifications because I just don’t think the possibility of actually unifying titles is all that realistic. Lately though I’ve thought it’s increasingly more possible that both sets of tag titles might end up unified. Thanks to Miz & Morrison and the fact that ECW superstars are allowed to compete on all shows, Raw’s World Tag Team Champions have found themselves tangling with SmackDown’s WWE Tag Team Champions. With the way that those belts have been taken around the company, and the relative lack of depth of the individual brands’ tag team divisions, I think unifying the titles wouldn’t be a bad move, especially with the new Superstars show starting up in April to have yet another program that they could be showcased on. Here I’d just take the four biggest tag teams in the company and set them against one another to determine Undisputed Tag Team Champions.

Vladimir Kozlov vs. Umaga

Over the past few year’s we’ve see these sorts of big man exhibition matches, with The Great Khali vs. Kane at WrestleMania 23 and Batista vs. Umaga last year. This go around I think we could see a clash of top monsters on SmackDown, with the currently undefeated (although likely to no longer be after No Way Out) Vladimir Kozlov taking on the returning Umaga. Umaga is sure to get face pops from time to time so there’s no reason not to put him up against Kozlov. While the match probably wouldn’t be the most technically sound encounter of the evening, it could still be a good spectacle and help provide one of these men some nice post-WrestleMania momentum.

Intercontinental Title Match: CM Punk© vs. Rey Mysterio

While I think it’s possible that Punk and Regal could actually continue their feud until Mania, and it’s tempting to put Rey in the Money in the Bank Match, I like the idea of the rematch from the IC Title No. 1 Contender’s Tournament Finals. That match got over big time and both men put over the prestige of the IC Title. Once Rey is done with Mike Knox I could see him finally turning his attention back to getting the title and getting a rematch with Punk. This should help quiet those that want the Intercontinental Title defended at Mania again and if their first match is any indication we would get quite the treat as well.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: JBL vs. Finlay vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Evan Bourne vs. Christian vs. MVP

I think this is a pretty good mix of talent, and for once I have the right number of people and don’t need to count on someone getting injured between now and then. Shelton has his history in MITB matches and Kofi is ready made for a match like this. Ever the economist JBL’s character fits in a match with such a name, and Finlay is a good representative from ECW. MVP would be trying to climb the ladder (literally and figuratively), Kennedy would be trying to make up from his blown opportunity two years ago, and Evan Bourne should be returning just in time for this match, possibly contending with Shelton Benjamin for show stealing moments. After all the internet hoopla surrounding Christian’s return it almost seems a bit anticlimactic to stick him in this match, but I actually think that this is a strong enough lineup that he could stand out and even stand a legitimate shot at winning. Plus he’s got that whole ladder match history making him a perfect addition.

ECW Title Match: Jack Swagger© vs. Tommy Dreamer

There are only so many faces on the ECW roster, and with Swagger seemingly feuding with Finlay for No Way Out that dwindles the ranks even more. It’s really a toss up between Dreamer and Evan Bourne, and I think it will be much more tempting to stick the returning Bourne into the Money in the Bank Match instead. They could build this match up as a feel good moment for Tommy, although I wouldn’t expect him to actually pull it off (the story of Tommy’s career, right?). This match in just important enough for WWE to fulfill it’s obligation to get the ECW Title a spot on the card and give it something halfway decent to work with.

Extreme Rules Match: Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy

With Jeff Hardy’s presumed participation in the SmackDown Elimination Chamber Match at No Way Out it would appear that these two brothers will be held off from facing each other until Mania. This could be an epic feud and will no doubt be seen as one of the night’s top matches. While a Ladder Match would suit them because of their history, considering the existence of MITB and the fact that they don’t have anything to fight over and Extreme Rules is the next best option. These two guys would no doubt try and kill each other to get the match over and we could see something akin to the Foley-Edge Hardcore Match from WrestleMania 22. This would be their biggest WrestleMania match ever and I’m sure both Hardy brothers would like nothing more than to make a big impact.

Chris Jericho vs. Mickey Rourke (w/ Ric Flair)

So after all the drama this past week about Mickey Rourke participating at Mania and this match is up in there air. In my opinion the press release from Rourke’s agent and the rewording WWE’s statement that Rourke will merely be “appearing” at WrestleMania was done as damage control after Rourke opened his big mouth. From both a booking perspective on WWE’s part and a career perspective on Rourke’s part it was stupid of him to divulge so much information so early. The Oscars are at the Sunday after No Way Out giving WWE six weeks to actually promote the match. Between now and then Jericho can continue to get scathing promos on Rourke which can either serve as buildup for the match or as a legitimate burial if Rourke did indeed back out. The thing that really amuses me about all this is all the fans that are acting like Jericho not getting the opportunity to face Rourke at Mania is actually a good thing for Jericho. It’s only us internet types that get all caught up in the “who’s jobbing to who” scenarios, and that includes non-wrestlers as well. Jericho will be perceived as a much bigger deal losing to Mickey Rourke than he would be by defeating CM Punk or whoever else people would like to see Jericho face off against. Worst case scenario and Jericho instead wrestles an actual wrestler (likely Rey Mysterio if I had to guess) with Rourke either in his corner or getting involved from ringside. I suppose it’s possible that Jericho could go over R-Truth as a surrogate Rourke since he was in “The Wrestler” too, but I highly doubt they’d give Truth that much of a push.

Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels

And throughout all the versions of my WrestleMania one constant remains: this match. As we got into the HBK-JBL storyline I had my doubts that we’d get this match, instead watching their feud culminate at the big show, but after that brief interaction between Michaels and Undertaker at the Royal Rumble and I have hope. Originally I hated the idea of the JBL storyline getting wrapped up in this, like JBL books Michaels against Undertaker either as payback or to take credit for ending Taker’s streak, but I’ve come around to that idea as a means of getting us there providing it doesn’t overrun the match. I think two veterans like Michaels and Taker would make sure that it didn’t, especially at WrestleMania. While I don’t really like the notion of HBK walking away, if he really were ready to hang up the tights I think a Career vs. Streak Match could work, with JBL putting HBK’s career on the line as a means of motivating him (or punishing him, whichever). I know lots of people have been clamoring for this match and I hope we end up getting it.

Randy Orton vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

I know I’ll get flack from two camps on this one. The first will be the “Randy Orton should be wrestling for the World Heavyweight Title” camp. Look, I’m on the Orton train, I really am. He’s been great since his return from injury, he’s probably the hottest act in the company, his feud with the McMahons could be huge, and the Rumble win was a big momentum grabber. But even though the prospect of “Mr. Big Match Feel” John Cena vs. the hottest act in the company could be booked pretty well and the match would no doubt be awesome, the sheer fact that we’ve seen them wrestle plenty of times is going to make it seem like less of a big match. One of the commenters in this week’s Fact or Fiction (which I participated in) stated that this would be a perfectly acceptable main event for say SummerSlam or Survivor Series, but I just don’t think it’s big enough for WrestleMania. I’d much rather have Orton run with the McMahon feud and get in a position to get the title off of Cena after WrestleMania.

The other camp I’ll hear from is the “Stone Cold is never wrestling again” camp. This has been a long story for the Texas Rattlesnake. It’s lately come out from Good Ol’ JR that Austin’s neck is in too bad shape for him to return to the ring, which most people are taking as gospel. But what about three years ago when all I heard about was “Austin looks like he’s in tremendous shape and might just have one more match left in him.” Remember negotiations were about as serious as they’ve been for Austin vs. Hogan to go down at WrestleMania 22 until Austin and the company had a falling out in the fall of 2005. Hell, JR had maintained that Austin was probably in good enough shape to compete up until the last few months when he finally changed his tune. My skepticism aside I might have been inclined to listen to this had I not read last week’s Wrestling Observer (SPOILER AHEAD). In last week’s issue, when talking about potential WrestleMania plans, Mr. Meltzer wrote “Austin is still at this point scheduled to wrestle a farewell match at Mania. There is a lot of politicking going around regarding the match, but Austin isn’t working with Hogan.” While the writings of the Observer are hardly gospel, there is normally at least smoke from the proverbial fire. Austin being endorsed by the McMahons to take out Orton would fit perfectly with the storyline and Austin would not only get one last hurrah in his home state but he’d be able to put over Orton big in preparation for a spring that would no doubt be all about the “Legend Killer.” While I would expect Orton to win the match anyhow, even if he were to lose Austin would just be one post-match punt to the head away from giving Orton a big rub. Everybody wins.

WWE Title Match: Edge© vs. Big Show

I know, on paper this match isn’t particularly thrilling, but if you note recent happenings on SmackDown and look at where the rest of the big players fall at Mania and it kind of makes sense. Right now there are two matches being bandied about as potential SmackDown main events. Edge vs. Triple H is the smart choice, but with that match being done at the Great American Bash with little fanfare it doesn’t quite seem right. Plus there is the question of who goes over. Edge winning would be the fresher option, but I just don’t see that happening, especially if the Raw main event ends up being Cena-Orton. Triple H could win the title for the theoretical storybook ending but I just don’t think it would seem like as big of a deal as it would have a year ago, and I think WWE knows that. The other match is a Fatal Four-Way between Edge, Christian, Matt Hardy, and Jeff Hardy. While definitely a cool idea and one that I’d be all for, I think that’s more wishful thinking and not very likely at all. But here you have more of a quietly plausible match. Big Show has been Vickie’s guy when Edge isn’t around and was at one point promised a title opportunity for going up against Undertaker. He looked good in the Rumble and has had some brief interactions with Edge so far on SmackDown. He was also no doubt promised some big things last year when he came back and did the program with Floyd Mayweather and this could be the payoff. Aside from actually beating up Undertaker Show has largely been a sort of tweener on SmackDown and that could be an interesting dynamic as the secondary title match. And really, with an already stacked card with Hardy-Hardy, Michaels-Undertaker, Jericho-Rourke, Austin-Orton, and my main event you really don’t need another “dreamish” type match at the top of the card.

This match also lends itself nicely to a same night Money in the Bank cash in, with Edge getting himself disqualified, getting a chokeslam afterwards, and then having someone like Mr. Kennedy cash in their briefcase. I wouldn’t actually predict that to happen but I think this match could set up nicely for such a scenario if they decided to go in that direction.

World Heavyweight Title Match: John Cena© vs. Triple H

And now for our main event. This is where I’ll get more complaints from those that want to see Orton in this match, or just dislike having Cena and/or Triple H in the main event again. I’ve already made my case for why I don’t think Orton should be here, now it’s time to make my case for why Triple H should. I think conventional thinking is that the original plans for the Raw main event at WrestleMania would have been the big John Cena vs. Batista rematch. Even those that are not fans of either man or fans of their first match would have to admit that WWE at least would have hyped it well enough and made it a big enough deal to headline Mania. With that out the window finding Cena a new opponent was a bit trickier. Orton would be the safe choice, but like I said it just doesn’t seem special enough. Triple H on the other hand brings a similar dynamic to the match that Batista would have. In fact, a Cena-Triple H match would probably be more interesting than the Batista match because parity booking would have suggested Cena would have beaten “The Animal.” Cena and Triple H are tied up at one match apiece, and you can just look at the build for their match at Night of Champions to see how WWE views this rivalry. Like it or not these are the two top superstars of this generation and the rubber match between them would be a much more fitting main event to the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania.

There is also the practical matter of getting the Royal Rumble title opportunity off of Randy Orton. If anyone from a storyline standpoint would be called upon for Orton to defend his title opportunity against then the guy with the wink/nudge on-air relationship to the McMahons, that’s been getting screwed over on SmackDown and who has a history of beating Orton? Orton punts Shane in the head at No Way Out while Triple H somehow gets screwed in the Elimination Chamber, Linda shows up on Raw to force Orton to defend his title shot (since she can’t legally strip him of it), Triple H serves as his mystery opponent, the McMahons get one over on Orton, Triple H and Cena end the show in a staredown. To paraphrase Vince from ShamWow, it writes itself. Plus, in my opinion, the overall card is better for it.

So there you have it, the closest thing to an educated guess of the WrestleMania card, with probably a good deal of wishful thinking thrown in. All I know is that despite my initial displeasure with some of the matches that have been rumored at this point, I know that once they are actually made official and we get the build for Mania that I’ll more than likely jump right on board. After all, it’s WrestleMania for crying out loud.

The Shimmy Likes it Raw!

How will Randy Orton respond after getting his ass kicked by that old guy that apparently ate Shane McMahon last week?

There are still two spots in the World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber Match open. Who will get them? Will JBL manage to finagle his way into another opportunity since it was Shawn Michaels that lost actually lost his first one?

On One Tree Hill we start meeting the potential cast of “An Unkindness of Ravens: The Movie.” How will the original Tree Hill clan react to meeting their mirror selves?

Well that does it for this week’s column. Please, be gentle. Until next time, don’t die. Clark…out.