The Mop-Up: King Of The Ring

So, I’m thinking that since the Midnight News is basically all the openers and closers that I’m famous (in a REALLY gay way) for, why not just get right to the recap?

I’m Chris and this is the Mop-Up, by the way.

BUT, I just want to make a couple of points. Real quick:

1) I’m used to reading message board people bitching and whining… same as writers… but when idiots… and I mean goddamn RETARDS start predicting that the WWE is about to CRUMBLE and FALL… that’s when I have to step in. Long… LOOOONG after me, you, and everyone else in the world right now is long dead in the ground and our bodies are simply re-re-and recycled worm shit, the WWE will STILL be around and people will be complaining about how Vince’s great, great, great, great grandson, Hector is ruining the company… probably ever since he purchased the Jupiter Galactic Wrestling company (JGW). Wrestling will never die, people… it’s all peaks and valleys. We’re riding through a nice little valley right now.

2) Russo is back, and people generally are willing to give him a shot… well, Net people, that is. I don’t know WHAT’S going on in the company, or what role he’s playing right now…. but I’m willing to take a stand and say that he’ll be having a HUGE influence over the storylines… and I think it’ll happen by SummerSlam. If the stories are true, a lot of writers are very nervous about “Russo’s Return” and the politics is running heavy. It’s gonna be an interesting summer.

3) Last thing… and here’s the fight I’M looking forward to. You ever notice that things with this company started to “suck” right around the time Stephanie became head writer? Ever notice that no one ever reports on what ideas she is directly responsible for creating? As if they don’t want to make her look bad? The real fight is going to be whether Vince will admit that his “head writer” (and thus, the one who should be held responsible for both the bad ideas as well as the good, like the captain of the ship is responsible for the actions of the entire crew) is not getting the job done… and Russo gets total control of the book. Will Vince choose business over family? Or will he decide to remain blind to the situation and let things get even worse? Do I feel like a total homo for assuming WAAAY too much about the inner workings of all this? The answers are Who knows, We’ll soon find out, and You BET’CHA.

And when Russo gets more power… we’re gonna see an in-house political struggle that’ll make WCW’s heyday look like a f**king PICNIC.

Not sure what the Closer will be this month… all depends on how long the recap is. The rating system for this column is something for the readers out there who’ve been with me a’while… but I think you kids will enjoy it too.

Let’s blitz…

KING OF THE RING…. el Upo Mopo

-Warning for all. You must NOT steal this show. It’s ILLEGAL, IMMORAL, AND MAKES LINDA CRY!! If you are caught stealing, there is jail time, fines, and they make you buy WWE stock! (Dear God!! NO!)

-Video introduction to some of the more famous King O’ the Ringers. Bret, Owen, Austin, HHH, and Angle. So… you either get screwed, get killed, self destruct, end up screwing the Boss’s daughter, or be portrayed as a complete ninny? Jesus… you have a better shot beating the Blackjack tables at Caesars.

-hey, how come Billy Gunn wasn’t brought up? Because he turned into a washed up FAG???

-HEY… how come Ken Shamrock wasn’t brought up?? Because he ended up working for the JARRETTS?????

-Oh, Edge was brought up too… umm…. you end up getting sued by the guy from Skid Row for hair style infringement?

-Clearly, the moral of the tale is… if YOU find yourself in the KOTR finals… LAY DOWN!!!! Or prepare for lots of naked Stephanie

-RVD promises it’ll be the “Summer of RVD”. Maybe next year, pal… because THIS Summer is already THE SUMMER OF HYATTE!!! I’M TAKING IT!!!!!!! BOOYAAAAA

-Snickers brings the “crunch”… YOU bring the $40 to pay for this thing.

-F-you… they can’t all be winners

-Jim Ross welcomes us. We see nothing but white people at “WWF: The World” (ah, those McMahons are SOOO racist)

-The announcers set things up. One douchebag in the seats behind them runs up, makes some gestures, then runs back to the arms of a chick MUCH too hot for a loser like HIM!

-We are in Columbus, Ohio. Ohio is currently represented web wise by Rick Scaia and Sean Shannon. In an unrelated story, more vibrators are sold in Ohio than in any other state. (unrelated my ASS!!)

-They get going quickly with Chris Jericho vs Rob Van Dam. Me and Josh Grut almost had a bet on this… I picked Lesnar all the way. He picked either… *snort… TEST, or Jericho in lieu of Test. If I won, he would have to trash Scott Keith in his column. If HE won… I would have to kiss SK’s ass in mine. We never made the bet (that’s a wager I was NOT taking a chance on)… but let’s see WHO would’ve won?

-oh, I wasn’t sweating Test… but Y2J COULD win.

-we are reminded that the winner of this tourney gets to be pinned by HHH at “SummerSlam”. (why do you think I picked Lesnar? Hunter WANTS to be the first to “Nash” his undefeated ass)

-Out comes Rob Van Dam. Ironically, I had a friend named Rob who owned a van that had such a beautifully drawn tiger on it’s side that people always said “damn” whenever they saw it. It was either this, or I make another pot reference.

-The bell rings. They lock up. LET THE TIDE OF THE WWE BEGIN IT’S TURN BACK TO SUCCESS!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!

-a SERIES OF ARM-LOCKS!!! DEAR GOD!!

-RVD does that shoulder pointing thing, that he RIPPED OFF from MARK MADDEN

-Jericho slaps him. RVD sells that slap harder than his last 5 years worth of ECW

-RVD responds by slapping Jericho right back… WITH HIS FOOT!!! (I’m selling the drama… f-you)

-meanwhile, I’m wondering how many of you clowns are writing an e-mail to me about that Madden comment? Hmm? You think you are going to EXPLAIN things to me? You? Ya’ teenage snotrag??

-RVD with a BIG Somersault Plancha off the top rope and into Jericho. MORTAL ENEMIES THEY MAY BE… RVD was still nice enough to loudly ask Jericho if he was all right. (aww, and to think he has a rep of not giving a crap)

-RVD with a single legged missile dropkick. He tried for the finishing 5 Star Frogsplash (stole that from Madden too!!) but Jericho crotched him with the Ref (ever get crotched by a Ref? Kind’a kinky.)

-Things kicked into to gear… you can always tell when Jericho REALLY starts cooking when he breaks out the inhuman grunts, “YEEEEAAARGH” “MMMWWAAACK”

-The REAL winner here will be the guy who keeps his ponytail going the longest.

-Jericho pulled off the top turnbuckle. Who says George Steele contributed NOTHING to the business?

-Lawler and Ross pontificate on who the winner of this match would like to take on in the final. Ross points out that Jericho would like Test to advance and make it an All Canadian Final…. (but… wouldn’t that make this the QUEEN of the Ring? Ha… ha ha… ho ho… hee hee hee… BWAHAHAHAA… oh dear… oh the WIT… oh my…. Oh I still got it… Queen of the Ring… HAWHAWHAWHAW…. f-ing Canadians)

-call me loco… but is RVD actually learning the fine art of storytelling?

-Jericho is using his entire arsenal… RVD keeps kicking out. Jericho’s getting frustrated.

-Walls of Jericho… reversed into a roll-up! Jericho kicks out!! Oh, wait… he’s Canadian… Jericho kicks oot! Mucho better.

-Jericho tries to use the ropes to pin… RVD still kicks

-Lionsault… RVD moves. Spin kick. He goes for the 5 Star… Jericho rolls. RVD hits NOTHING. RVD does that squinty eyes-exhale hard-feel my pain sell.

-Lionsault!! He HITS! Pin… RVD kicks!! Y2J can’t WIN!!! Helmsley must of booked this.

-Walls of Jericho. RVD grabs the ropes.

-FINALLY…. RVD hits the Frogsplash and gets the pin. Van Dam advances!

-AND ALL PONYTAILS STAYED ON!!!! THERE ARE NO LOSERS!!!! (unless HHH doesn’t like you… then you’re f*cked)

-Jerry Lawler with an UNPRECEDENTED post match RVD interview. RVD just has time to announce that he gets paid the same no matter WHO pins him later. He also mentioned “Godzilla” for no reason whatsoever. Jericho attacked him and worked him over for a while. Lawler, because he’s a RAT JAP HEEL BASTARD WHEN HE ISN’T IN MEMPHIS, just stands there and refuses to help.

-Jericho starts screaming “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD”. Ah, so even HE knows that he’s on a sinking ship. (is it too much to hope that I’ll be the ONLY recapper using that line? Probably.)

-GREAT match!!! 5 stars!! Ooops, I don’t use douchey STARS…

-How do I rate these bad boys? Well, rather than the phenomenally–not to mention cliched– style of using * stars… how about we add some bad COMEDY to the mix? With an old gimmick I haven’t ripped off in SUCH a long time….

-And now, ladies and gentlemen…. it’s time for another visit from a Traveler from the East. The All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Mystic, Sage, Soothsayer, and personal fluffer for Midean the Streaker. Please welcome…. CARNAC: THE INOPERABLE!!!

-Thank you, thank you WHOOPS!! *fwip…. crash*

-Carnac, Carnac!!! Are you all right?

-I’m fine! Let us please get a move on!

-Very good, Oh Gregarious One. I hold in my hand, three envelopes. A child of four can see that they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar in Debra McMichael-Austin’s heavy makeup case since noon today. NO ONE knows the contents within but YOU, with your skill, your ability, and your amazing sense of deduction shall ANNOUNCE what is in the envelopes before EVEN opening them!!! ARE YOU READY, CARNAC??

-I am ready. I must have ABSOLUTE SILENCE!!

-Often times, Carnac gets it.

-Because often times, the jokes ain’t all that funny. Carnac and Hyatte have lost it

-YOU…. are CORRECT…. SIR!

-If the match is three “stars”, it will receive three jokes… and so on!

-AND SO ON… OH GREAT ONE

-The first envelope

-THE FIRST ENVELOPE!!! Hermetically sealed…. in the make-up case of Debra McMichael-Austin.

-Was there even room in there?

-Just BARRRRELY… Oh Wise One

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Hell To Pay!

-HELL TO PAY!!!!

-*rip…. poof*

-What is that thing on Vince’s head?

-HOOOOOOOOOOO… “HELL TOUPEE”… BRILLIANT, OH MYSTIC ONE!!!

-The second envelope

-The SECOND ENVELOPE

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Canadian Pussy!

-CANADIAN PUSSY!!!!

-*rip…. poof*

-Define “redundant”

-HOOO HOOO HOOOO HOOO HEEE HEEE HEEE HEEE HIYOOOOO

-Thank you, Thank you.

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. What would Vince do!

-WHAT WOULD VINCE DO!!!!

-*rip…. poof*

-What does HHH think when Stephanie says no to anal sex?

-OH MY!!! HeeeyOOOO

-May a hippie who lives online 24/7 consider himself “above” you

-May you think Bruce Mitchell is the funniest man online

-Mix & matching my way through this.

-Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar goof on RVD… well, Heyman does all the goofing, Lesnar just stares at him… no doubt wondering, “How did I get stuck with this Jew?”

-Test came out. He looks about as confident as Jason Kidd did during the NBA Finals. (by game two he was already saying, “We’re just building, man. Just building the team!)

-Ross says “insiders” say that Test is THIS CLOSE to “breaking through” (since when is Mr. Tito considered an “insider”?)

-out comes Brock. Heyman is with him. I’ll tell you right now… if Brock’s first promo uses the words “Whose” and “Next” at ANY time… I am flipping to “Witchblade” and STAYING THERE FOREVER

-Brock opens up with shoulderslams and big time punches. Ohio starts with the “Goldberg” chants. Test looks around and screams, “I AM NOT GOLDBERG!!!” (oh, the moron)

-Brock takes a break and let’s Heyman advise him. As far as on-spot managing went, NOTHING beats the old days when JJ Dillon and Tully Blanchard would have a ringside confab after Dusty started a little hand jive. (I REMEMBER TULLY!!! AND I CARE!!)

-Test corners Brock with a lifted knee and starts elbowing him on the side of the head. Then he kicks him several times in the gut until Brock sits down in the corner. Goldberg, Nash, and Austin… Question: who will these two rip off NEXT???

-Test then gets on the mic and starts bashing idiot web writers… (Answer: ME!! MY GOD!!!)

-Lesnar goes to work. He screams, “COME ON!!!” No, NO… you fool… save your first promo for the NEXT PPV.

-Lesnar owns things… nails a sweet powerbomb.

-Test sneaks in a Sidewalk Slam!! If Tony Schiavone was there, he would’ve called the move “The greatest PPV main event in WCW History”… (ahem… the joke being… Tony would be pre-OCCUPIED with the show’s main event… selling the thing to the people who had already BOUGHT the damn show and were pretty much guaranteed to stick around…. drove me crazy…. damn Tony)

-Test goes for the big boot. Lesnar ducks. Lesnar goes for the powerbomb… I forgot what happened and don’t feel like rewinding… Test gets off another Boot. Lesnar eats boot. I love Test’s boots. That didn’t come out right.

-Test sets up for ANOTHER boot. Lesnar’s up. Test takes off… Test STOPS… Test WAITS until Heyman gets his ass up there. Heyman slaps Test on the back. Test acts like Terrorists just crashed a jet right between his shoulder blades. Lesnar hits the… the… whatever he calls that move.. (The BROCKO Buster???) Brock wins.

-Let’s see… four men… two canadians and two AMERICANS… now it’s just two AMERICANS… excuse me while I shed tears of Patriotic Joy!

-THREE jokes!!! Take it away, Carnac!

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. RVD, Chasey Lain, and Inside my pants!

-RVD, CHASEY LAIN, AND INSIDE MY PANTS!!!!

-*rip…. poof*

-Name a Stoner, a Moaner, and a Boner.

-HAHAHAHAHAHAHEEYOOOO

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Ask the Rick!

-ASK…. THE RICK!!!!

-*rip…. poof*

-How do you get through life without kissing a girl?

-YESSS… THE EXPERT!!

-May a millionaire beg you to ask about his net worth while bragging about never wearing neck ties

-The Coach enters the Raw locker room to get some IMMEDIATE response to an All-Raw King Showdown!!! No one seemed to care except for Buh Buh Ray Dudley, who used the forum to announce that the Comeback of Buh Buh Ray Dudley begins RIGHT NOW! In the background, Bradshaw yawned. I swear it’s all true.

-Mark Lloyd gets berated by Lance Storm and Christian about how the Canadians were screwed out of everything tonight. Eaaasy big fellas…. we’ll let you have Pam Anderson back… we’re all done with her. She can use some of that Socialized Medicine you guys have. Heh.

-Tazz and Michael Cole are there to set up the big Jamie Noble/Hurricane match. Video clips follow.

-Nidia is a horrible kisser. I haven’t seen so much head jerking since I dated that girl with Parkinson’s Disease. (Thought I was going for a crude masturbation joke, didn’t ya?)

-She gave the BEST head… in case you were wondering.

-There will be NO “white trailer trash” jokes in this match recap. Oh, I won’t kid myself into thinking I’m ABOVE such belaboring of the obvious. Trust me.

-Is Nidia hot? My pecker doesn’t know if it should get hard or not. I don’t know why… YOU ask him.

-Anyway, everyone came out and things got going.

-Crowd amused themselves by chanting “SHE’S A CRACKWHORE” Yes, I know… EVERYONE was buzzing about my Chasey Lain story from last week’s news.

-As Lawler was explaining to JR that it didn’t matter if Nidia was young enough to be his daughter, (now THERE’S an image I could’ve done without), The Hurricane had to act like Nidia didn’t totally miss his legs when she grabbed at them off the ropes. Poor, gimmicked up shnook.

-Noble damn near took Hurricane’s head off with a clothesline.

-Ross announced that Lawler liked Nidia because “she was breathing”. (hey… HEY!! Let’s not knock the ones who AREN’T breathing!!! Once you get past the coldness, and the maggots, you’ll find that they are open to ANYTHING.)

-Lawler admired the way Nidia “squats”… Ross had enough and said, “There is NO squatting in WRESTLING!!” (HAW!!! Then explain HHH’s career!!! ((or, insert your very own alternative Pat Patterson joke right here)))

-Nidia is clearly obsessed with showing her ass to the fans.

-Lawler infers that Nidia dumped Hurricane because he wasn’t a “super hero” in every department… well, since he is modeled on Green Lantern… one might ask if it had anything to do with his weakness to the color YELLOW? And if so, perhaps Nidia has a YEAST problem? (well, my first, official, undisputed BOMB of the night… wouldn’t be the Mop-Up without a few dozen of them)

-The match was slow for a rapid fire Cruiserweight jam. Mostly controlled by Noble. Meanwhile, Ross announced that he watches “Smackdown” every week. (ass KISSER!!!)

-Helms with the BLOCKBUSTER!!! Thus, Buff Bagwell has a LEGACY!!

-Helms SOARED through the air!!! Very, very nice

-Nidia distracted Helms by kissing him hard on the mouth before her lover attacked him. Take away all pants and you have just about every Friday night at the Hyatte household from ’79-’88

-Noble tries for a Superplex going ON THE RING FLOOR. Helm’s stopped it. One day, we WILL see that move… one day.

-Nidia distracts the Ref while Helms goes for the pin. Ross commends her BRILLIANCE (oh COME ON… this trick is more common than the f**kin’ turn on your belly and reverse the pressure from the figure four leglock move!! Hell, the move is more common that the old “secretly bury someone to Vince before you lose your precious spot” move… SHIT, this stunt is more easier than the old, reliable Threaten to write a tell-all and be welcomed back with open arms and a huge pay raise… CHRIST, the move is more common than the old “Blow Pat and Headline Wrestlemania!” stunt. Come on JR, give us a break.)

-My God… the stunt is more common than the old “(EDITED BY ME BASED ON THE BOUNDARIES OF GOOD TASTE)” play

-Eww, that was a classic, “Things were going fine until you went TOO FAR, ASSHOLE” move. In fact, I’m killing it. I’m bleeping it out. It involved Bret… and Owen. Yep, it did.

-Noble finally won the belt. Nidia jumped on him and they shared a passionless kiss. (Chyna sold her “love” for Eddie better…. how scary is THAT?)

-THREE joke match… would’ve been TWO, but I enjoyed listening to Ross and Lawler argue about Age not being a factor in True Love

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Passed the buck

-PASS THE BUCK!

-*rip…. poof*

-What did Stephanie McMahon do after she ate an entire deer?

-BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HEEYOOOOOOO

-May a furious Ashish yell at you on AIM.

-May CRZ invite you to a chatroom and you spend an hour listening to some shmuck named “Seadawg” gab on about some indy fed.

-We got to witness the ROCK arrive. I doubt the Christians will get as pumped about Christ returning as Vince is with this.

-Terri talks to Eddie. Guerrero sends major shout outs to his familia, well… the ones NOT in Pelican Bay.

-The whole Flair/Eddie/ Benoit thing is replayed. Yes, we once again see that after ten + years in the business, Chris Benoit STILL can’t cut a decent promo to SAVE HIS LIFE!!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM, YOU IDIOTS!!! IF HE CAN’T USE THE FU**ING MIC, HE CAN’T BE FU**ING CHAMPION!!!!!!!

-Ric Flair comes out. He’s in for ONE LAST RUN… ONE LAST TOUR…. ONE LAST FLING WITH EVERY RING RAT FROM SAN DIEGO TO PORTLAND, MAINE…. WHOOOO…. WHOOOO….(thankchristalmightyforviagra)WHOOOOO

-Uh-Dee comes out. Lawler comments on the sign, “Dirtiest Mullet in the Game” I enjoyed that sign my own self.

-They lock up… Eddie pulls back and dances around. Eddie with the shoulder block… then struts and shouts, “WHOOO”. Flair snarls, “Look, Pancho!!! I’ve carried Kerry Von Erich for thirty minutes and he didn’t wake up once!!! I made Ronnie Garvin look so good Vince was suckered into hiring him! SHOW ME SOME RESPECT!!”

-HEADLOCK BY THE NATURE BOY!!!! See, he’s still relevant.

-Ross mused that Eddie probably won’t do anything that Flair hasn’t seen before.

-Eddie then dropped his tights and began drinking his own urine like a water fountain. Flair watched and said, “Jeezus, never seen that before!” Ross cursed the Mexican bastard for proving him wrong so damn quickly

-Flair with the first chop of the night. Eddie bounced HIGH up in the air, then landed and rolled out of the ring. Flair strutted and hooted. God Bless Eddie for giving the Naitch a moment all to himself.

-BIG sign that reads, “Eddie Guerrero mows my lawn!” Lucky bastard… I have to make do with La Parka

-Eddie with a lightening dropkick to Flair’s knee. Flair does the requisite, “AW GOD!! NO!! NO!!! AHHHH”

-and God bless HIM for that, by the way.

-Eddie works on Flair’s knee…. after doing this for thirty years, you would think Ric would have gone out and bought knee pads that FIT, by now!!

-Eddie hits the Figure Four. Lawler’s so confident he starts gathering his notes for the next match.

-Ric tries the old “I’ll manually lift his leg away from my foot trick”…. Eddie proved too gosh darn slippery!!! (a slippery Mexican? Get out!)

-Flair grabs the ropes. The hold is broken.

-Eddie’s up for the Frogsplash!! Flair moves!!

-Flair goes to work on the leg! Out comes Chris Benoit!! The Smarts start dry humping their sofa cushions.

-Flair with the figure four. Eddie grabs the ropes.

-CHOPS!!! DAMMIT!!! CHOP THE BASTARD ALL TO HELL!!!

-Eddie goes for the Backslide, amazingly, neither announcer mentioned that this was the way Kerry Von Erich beat the guy for the belt years back.

-KVE has been dead for a loooong time, yet I managed to get him in this column TWICE. Sometimes, I amaze EVEN myself.

-Flair goes for a back bridge… Eddie tries like crazy to bridge out… come onnn… come onnn… oh, nope… couldn’t quite do it. Ol’ Ric’s been eating too many BURRITOES!!!

-Flair eats a great Flying DDT… moments later, he’s outside and Benoit gives him some Crossface action.

-For NO REASON AT ALL Buh Buh Ray Dudley ran out and gave Eddie the Buh Buh Bomb. Ooops, I mean since the Comeback of Buh Buh Ray Dudley began RIGHT NOW!!! It only made SENSE that Buh Buh would choose EDDIE as his first victim!!

-Benoit ran after Buh Buh, who dove in the crowd and took off. Well, Benoit didn’t exactly RUN… because if he did RUN he would catch the big guy and then everyone would watch them stare at each other, pulling their puds with no script to follow…so he had to JOG VERY LIGHTLY.

-Flair pinned Eddie. WOW!!! They let Flair pin someone?

-Is a Flair match REALLY a Flair match if he doesn’t bleed? Truly, a riddle.

-Four joke match!! Because at this point, one should relish every single Flair performance.

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. The third grade!

-THE THIRD GRADE!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What were the longest, hardest three years of Booker T’s life?

-HEEEYOOOO

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Etiquette, Whiskey, and the Torch!

-ETIQUETTE, WHISKEY, AND THE TORCH!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What is a tip, a sip, and a jip?

-KUUUUUHAWHAWHAWHAW

-May Bob Ryder marry your Mom.

-May Jay Bower be a part of your site.

-Spot showing just how gosh darn cool “WWE” REALLY is.

-Steve Regal and Chris Nowinski (there’s a name just DYING for a career as a jobber) do a real, live bit at “WWF World”. Nowinski mocks a waitress’s educational background.

-Smackdown is playing to houses all over America. BE A PART OF THE ACTION!!!!!

-Molly Holly defeated Trish Stratus for the chick strap. The Women’s division has NEVER, EVER been so good… in all my years watching this shit, I have NEVER, EVER seen such a strong division….

-BUT…. I gotta blow off SOMETHING tonight… soooooo

-OH, wait… Trish was sent into the front row… you’ve never SEEN so many losers immediately cup their hands to their crotches in order to hide their boners to the camera.

-and it isn’t even as if Molly DOES have a fat ass… such objectifying of the female species…. how absurd… how horrid… how… CLEAVAGE, CLEAVAGE!! TRISH GAVE THE CAMERA A GOOD SHOT OF HER BOOBIES!!! DEAR CHRIST, I THINK I SAW NIPPLE…. OH, I’D LOVE TO SLIP SOME PILL IN HER DRINK AND HAVE AT THAT ZONKED OUT BOOTY!!… retarded. Women are to be treated as EQUALS…. NOT as mere, disposable playthings!!

-Three Joke Match.

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Fort Knox, Sinatra, and Francine!

-FORT KNOX, SINATRA, AND FRANCINE!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-Name a bank, a Frank, and a skank.

-May you wake up one morning and discover you have a new son with the nose the size of an anteater

-May a hillbilly refuse to let you hang up the phone.

-Kurt Angle bashes Hulk Hogan, crediting Vince for creating him… didn’t Sly Stallone play a part in this too?

-Tazz and Cole sell the “Neurotica” CD. Listen to it and you’ll start acting Jewish…. regardless of your religion. They also spin the tale of Hulk and Kurt.

-Hogan comes out. The crowd pops… LOUD… no self respecting smart admits to hearing anything. Bruce Mitchell SWEARS he heard crickets in the building.

-Kurt Angle comes out. He’s so disgusted by Hogan’s reception (WHAT RECEPTION?? I DIDN’T HEAR NOTHIN!!!!!! HOGAN SUCKS NOW!!! YES HE DOES AND I WILL GO ON EVERY MESSAGE BOARD I CAN AND TELL THE WORLD!!! WORST…. WRESTLER…. EVER!!!) that he starts a conversation with NO ONE.

-Both men begin things with their craniums covered. Good, because Hogan has a tendency to change DRAMATICALLY once his doo-rag comes off.

-They circle each other. Hogan taunts Angle with the audience’s cheer… (WHAT CHEER??? IT’S DEAD SILENCE!!! YOU CAN HEAR JR FART IT’S SO DEAD OUT THERE!!!)

-Hogan shoves Angle down and poses. They aren’t cheering… they are SNORING!!!

-Angle takes his time… then catches Hogan in the gut. Big clothesline. Down he goes.

-WHOOPS, the doo-rag comes off… suddenly, Angle’s fighting William Hickey

-Angle is tossed over the top rope.

-Hogan goes for the headgear. Angle kicks him LOW. (MIGHTY low if he wants to reach THOSE sagging testicles)

-This is the part where Hogan sells and Hulk-A-Maniacs the WORLD over wonder if THIS is the night Hogan loses. Pretty much summed up the entire 80’s here in Titan-land

-Sleeper hold! Hogan goes down!!! COME ON, YA BASTARDS!! HE NEEDS YOUR STRENGTH NOW MORE THAN EVER BEFORE!!!!

-There goes that twitching finger. He’s up!!

-OLYMPIC SLAM!! IT’S OVER!!! IT’S OV… oh… waitaminute

-Oh he’s Hulking UP! For chrissakes… WHY WON’T ANGLE JUST LEAVE THE RING AND WAIT FOR THE MOMENTUM TO PASS??? 20 F**KING YEARS OF THIS AND NO ONE HAS CAUGHT ON YET???

-Of course not… Angle attacks, and has the NERVE to be shocked that Hogan doesn’t sell.

-Big BOOT. Put the kids to bed.

-WAIT!! Hogan wants that headgear! Off it goes. Angle’s so pissed he takes off. Hogan goofs on him by wearing it. Angle grabs a chair and runs back. He swings. The chair hits the ropes and bounces into his face.

-LEGDROP!! NOW IT’S OV… waitaminute(2)… Angle turns it into an Ankle Lock.

-COME ON DAMMIT!!! GRAB THE ROPES, HULK!!!! SOME OF US GROWNUPS STILL BELIEVE IN YOU TOOOOOOO

-Hogan grabs the ropes. Well thank GO… Angle yanks him off!!! Hogan tries to spin out of it! Angle rolls with the flow and keeps it on!!!

-This is strange! Usually, Hogan’s in the limo on his way to his penthouse suite by now!

-Hogan TAPS!!! HOGAN TAPS!!! JESUS H ALL F**KING MIGHTY!!! HOGAN TAPS CLEANLY!!!!

-Wow! Hogan jobbed! Wow… err… I mean BURN HIM!!! BURN HIM ALIVE FOR HAVING DARED RUIN THE SANCTITY OF WRESTLING WITH THIS SHOWBOATING!! I AM AN INTERNET DRONE!!!! IF MELTZER TELLS ME TO HATE HOGAN, THEN I WILL HATE HOGAN!!! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!! HOGAN TAPPING CLEAN IS IRREVELANT!!!!

-and THAT… my friends, in a nutshell, is why I trash EVERYONE… ’cause as far as I can tell, not a damn one of them has any shred of original thought. They just bash and bash and bash for the sake of bashing.

-By the way, as Angle plopped his headgear back on his head, Lawler killed me by shouting, “Regain your dignity!!” I swear, I laughed for a good 5 minutes.

-5 JOKE MATCH!!! THE MAN TAPPED CLEANLY!!! HE DESERVED IT!! F-YOU!!

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. A snow blower that doesn’t work!

-A SNOW BLOWER… THAT DOESN’T WORK!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What do you get when you cross Al’s wife with HBK?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. He swerves to miss the pothole!

-HE SWERVES TO MISS THE POTHOLE!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What’s the difference between Debra and a pothole?

-May you spend two hours on the phone trying to get Flea to form a full sentence

-May you get cornered online by a drunk Grut!

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. He drowns!

-HE DROWNS!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What happens if Elian Gonzales gets a flat tire?

-HIYOOOOO

-Elian Gonzales? That’s a 3 year old JOKE!! Jesus.

-While Hogan is allowed time to pose… we get an extended bit between Booker, Goldust, and the Rock. Rather get go all transcrippy on your asses, let’s just nutshell the whole she-bang like this… Rocky pretty much passed the promo-making torch to Booker while Goldust assumed the role previously held by Mankind. Boom, let’s move on.

-Goldust was wearing the Rock’s new t-shirt (buy a TON of them… Rocky needs the money!). Rock took a second and asked, “You bought that shirt, right?” I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the whole segment… I’m just tired of this. Shot my wad. Blew my load. Sank my battleship. Farted before he could pull his tongue out of my assSSSAY WRONG SITE!! WHOOPS, THOUGHT I WAS DOING MY QUEER AS FOLK RECAP FOR GAYANDPROUD.COM… nevermind!

-RAW is playing to all the houses! Truthfully, no one could blame you if you skipped this one.

-The big FINALS! Brock vs RVD!

-Out they come! Lesnar goes to work. RVD hits him with a sharp kick to the face.

-Speaking of shooting his load… RVD seemed to have used up his juice with Jericho. He seems a bit off now.

-Brock with a pair of backbreakers (BROCKBREAKERS???) in rapid succession.

-Bearhug by RVD!! What is he CRAZY!!

-No, I am, Brock had the bearhug… they look so much ALIKE, I was confused for a second.

-Ross, “Lesnar’s no dummy!” I’m sure that agent the company made him fire would disagree.

-RVD stuck to Lesnar’s thighs. He hit the single missile dropkick.

-Rolling THUNNNNNDER!!! Spinning LEGDROOOOP. 5 Star FROGSPLAAAASH! I don’t know why I’m DOOOOOOING THIIIIIIIIIIS. Somebody HEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEE

-RVD goes for the pin! Brock kicks OUT!! Heyman clutches his chest. RVD nails him. Heyman’s cap goes flying off. Truly, one of the company’s FUNNIEST site gags.

-Brock caught RVD mid-air and pinned him. Brock’s the King… well, I’M THE KING, but Lesnar’s the WINNER! Which means, I would have won the bet with Grut. Damn.

-Two joke match. RVD phoned this performance in. (he’s forgiven, his Y2J match was gangbusters)

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Scott Hall, Terry Gervin, and Ryan Shamrock !

-SCOTT HALL, TERRY GERVIN, AND RYAN SHAMROCK!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-Name a Wino, a Rhyno, and a rat for the Maestro?

-HIYOOOO

-May you aspire to be the next Dave Meltzer

-NYAHAHAHAHAHAAAA TOO FUNNY, OH GREAT ONE

-Meanwhile, HHH runs into the NWO backstage. He goes nose to nose with HBK and Nash. IS HBK STILL MAD??? WILL THERE BE A THROWDOWN???

-naaah, hugs all around. Michaels tells Trip to show the Wolfcliq sign if he needs help. HHH laughs. He’s boning the head writer… he’s the LAST hombre that needs help.

-Hugs for X-Pac too… NO hugs for the Big Show! What does all this MEAN??? (not sure… but I have a funny feeling HHH will come out of it looking good)

-Tazz, Cole, Video, HHH, ‘taker, all, nouns, verbs, homos

-The Undertaker ROARS out. Jim Ross has stopped calling him “Booger Red” after Calloway personally showed him that his snots are indeed yellow.

-Paul Heyman hung around to exchange barbs with Lawler and Ross. Methinks someone in the back KNEW this match needed some help.

-HHH is out. He’s not getting the pops, people.

-They face off, they start mouthing to each other. An exchange of punches.

-Let’s save everyone time and jump right to the part where Rocky showed up… mostly because UNLIKE the Hogan match, the crowd really WAS dead for this.

-UT has always been a slow worker… but HHH’s performance was INEXCUSABLE! I thought HE was the one who elevated his opponents? I thought HE was the “New Flair”?

-Dear Hyatte, this is why we hate the Undertaker. He even makes HHH look bad. This is why resistance is futile! BULLSHIT!!! I REFUSE to accept that! AND LET’S SEE ALL OF YOU WORK A MATCH!!! BIG TALK FROM VERY LITTLE PEOPLE!!! FEH!!!!! BAH!!!!!!!

-Heyman accused Lawler of having nine ex-wives. Lawler sheepishly said he only had three of them. This was not the King’s finest moment.

-by the way, the Undertaker needs to cut his hair. He looks like Al Bundy from Married With Children

-anyway, the Rock came out and chased Heyman away because Heyman claimed Lesnar chased him away backstage. He was on the mic for a few minutes before UT BLASTED him with an AWESOME boot for no reason whatsoever… other then because he felt like it.

-Rocky answered back by swinging a chair. He hit HHH instead. Of course, Rocky then yelled at Hunter anyway. Why not? It ain’t like HHH can hold the Rock back. No matter HOW good he sticks it in Steph.

-UT bangs out the Rock. HHH is bleeding. POWERBOMB!!!!!

-HHH kicks out.

-By now we had one big Ref change. Poor Earl Hebner took another pounding. (and he started clutching his chest too)

-The Rock’s up again. Rock Bottom for the Undertaker.

-We get one of those deals where both guys are dead out in the middle of the ring. Scott Hall and HBK are MASTERS of this.

-HHH rolls over…. he holds his arm out…. you can FEEL HIS PAIN!! MUST…. LET…. ARM….. DROP….ON…. TAKER’S….CHEST…..IGNORE….BASIC….RULE…..OF…. GRAVITY….AND….LET…ARM….HANG….IN….AIR.

-Hebner fights his heart attack for the sake of the MATCH, DAMMIT!! And makes the slowest three count I’ve ever seen. UT has time to get his shoulder off, change the oil on his motorcycle, have a ham sandwich, and order Bradshaw to beat up Jamie Noble because Noble forgot to lick his boots earlier that day before Hebner’s hand hit the mat for the third time.

-HHH hits the Pedigree. UT kicks

-UT gets the pin after a sneak-up, a roll-up, and a healthy hunk of tights. He keeps his strap. His music plays.

-He calls out the Rock. Rock don’t need to be asked twice… oh, wait, UT motioned twice… I was wrong.

-Rocky charged and kicked dead ass. People’s Elbow. The ROCK’S music played.

-HHH is up. He gives the Rock the Pedigree. The GAME’S music plays.

-OOPS… Taker is up. Chokeslam. Now HIS music plays.

-Just for shits and giggles, they play Austin’s music…. hell, they’re jamming ALL the headliners in there. Everyone marks out. The smarts RUN to their computers to be the first to report that they KNEW it was all a work.

-The show ends.

-Umm…. one joke. It was really a bad, bad match.

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Batman can shop without Robin!

-BATMAN CAN SHOP WITHOUT ROBIN!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What’s the difference between Batman and Winona Ryder?

PWAHAHAHAHAAAA HEEYOOOOO!!

Thank you, thank you.

Not a good PPV. I think it was one of those crowds that were really, really loud live, but on TV, there were a lot of very quiet moments.

Hey kids, Hogan almost stole the show…. AGAIN! Deal with THAT.

Closer time… and I believe CARNAC has a few last jokes to get out of his system… is that TRUE, oh great one?

-INDEED I DO!!

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. The pizza doesn’t scream in the oven!

-THE PIZZA DOESN’T SCREAM IN THE OVEN!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What’s the difference between Paul Heyman and a pizza?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. CRZ, Longstocking, and a slight chill!

-CRZ, LONGSTOCKING, AND A SLIGHT CHILL!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-Name a Hippie, a Pippie, and a Nippy.

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. National Geographic!

-NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What is Faarooq’s favorite porno mag?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Father’s Day!

-FATHER’S DAY!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What is Jerry Lawler’s most confusing holiday?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Oh Thank God!

-OH THANK GOD!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What do you say after Stephanie has an abortion?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. HBK hates all jobs!

-HBK HATES ALL JOBS!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-How come HBK has never gotten head??

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Sell his own line!

-SELL…. HIS OWN LINE!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What’s the only way to get the Rock to wear a condom?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. swat the pussy with a newspaper!

-SWAT THE PUSSY WITH A NEWSPAPER!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-How does Stephanie kill 20 flies at one time?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. So blind American can hate them too!

-SO BLIND AMERICANS CAN HATE THEM TOO!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-Why do Canadians smell so bad?

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. It’s like eating at McDonalds!

-IT’S LIKE EATING… AT MCDONALDS!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-Why do Luchadors paint their trash cans yellow and red??

-I hold in my hand the LAST envelope.

-Deafening audience applause

-May Greg Dillard ask you to co-host an Internet Radio show with him.

-May grade school kids call you a janitor

-May your Torch newsletter be as reliable as Scott Hall

-May you be ignored by Widro

-May Ben Morse be a part of your life.

-May you refuse to blame your daughter for anything

-May you consider suicide on an hourly basis

-May your girlfriend call you “Netcop” during sex!

-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*…. Dental Floss!

-DENTAL FLOSS!!!!

*rip…. poof*

-What’s the best way to blindfold Tajiri?

-YOU ARE WISE, OH GREAT ONE!!!

-THANK YOU!!! I AM CARNAC!!!

-THE GREAT CARNAC!!! FAREWELL!!! OH GREAT ONE!

-There you go. Next week, Midnight News. I play catch-up with all the stuff I had to cut over the last couple of weeks, and maybe some message board nonsense. You kids seem to like it.

I’ve got goo drying on my bedsheet that has more brains than some of YOU!!

This is Hyatte