The Enlightenment: Women’s Erotic Wrestling Vol. 1 — Extreme Hofare

Women’s Erotic Wrestling I: Extreme Hofare by J.D. Dunn Wouldn’t Extreme Whorefare be more phonetically apt? Normally, I wouldn’t bother with something like this, but there are a handful of decent women wrestlers on these shows. February 22, 2002 From Philadelphia, Pa. Your hosts are Eric Gargiulo and Joel Gertner. Earlier today, we got some ACTING~! as Fujika is irate because G.I. Ho is in the bathroom with Rebecca. That results in a pull-apart. Alexis Laree is shocked that she has to go up against Amanda Storm. Opening Match: “The Man Beast” Amanda Storm (w/The Smoke) vs. Alexis Laree. “The Smoke” is a guy doing a pretty good impression of the Rock circa 1999. Alexis is Mickie James, of course. Smoke gets in her face, so she goes low on him. Storm looks like the illegitimate daughter of Terry Gordy and Carrot Top. Alexis tricks her on a criss-cross, but Alexis’ chairshot is no-sold. Storm tosses her to the floor and starts working over her leg. A legdrop gets two, but referee BJ (oh, I see what they did there) is late to count. Alexis fights back and goes up, but the Smoke shoves her off. A flying splash misses, and Alexis dropkicks her to the floor. Smoke and Storm try to leave, but Alexis dives off the top onto them. Back in, Alexis hits the reverse DDT for the win at 9:50. Actually, this wasn’t so bad. ** In the men’s room, The Smoke (who doubles as the commissioner) is shocked when Kerri “The Tongue” Windsor says that Billy Austin called him a pussy, so he makes an intergender match. Brittney the Schoolgirl vs. “Blonde Bombshell” BarRoom Barbie Brittney hales from “the twelfth grade.” Okay, that’s pretty funny. Also, she’s not a girl, but not yet a woman. The match never gets started as Dawn Mae and Papa Mae do the run-in and squash both girls. Tai Weed and Psychobitch make the save. [N/R] Tara Titanium vs. Kristy Kiss. Tara is a martial arts trainee, and Kristy kicked around New Jersey for a while as a manger. Tara attacks and gives her a Stinkface. Since Kristy had the unfortunate judgment to wear French-cut panties to the ring and no pants, Tara whips her with a cat-o-nine-tails. They brawl to the back and then back out through the crowd. Tara stabs Kristy in the face. Gargiulo: “It looks like she just popped her cherry.” Lovely. Back to the ring, Kristy hits a legdrop for two. Tara turns her over into a Boston Crab, and Kristy passes out from the pain. 3/4* “Winner Gets the Ho”: Fujiko Kano vs. Rebecca Wilde. Winner gets G.I. Ho. She kisses them both for luck, pissing off her boyfriend Billy Austin. He hops in to object and gets his ass kicked. Fujiko and Rebecca team up to beat Austin all around the ring. They all just kind of meander to the back. No match. [N/R] “Ms. Perfect” Tara vs. Candy. This would be your designated “wrestling match.” Tara does a lot of cartwheeling. Candy takes her pants down and delivers a Stinkface. See, rubbing your ass in someone’s face just loses all meaning if *everyone* does it. Tara comes back with the Crippler Crossface. Candy makes the ropes and hits the Rock Candy Bottom. Tara ducks to the outside and throws a tantrum because she can’t beat Candy. Oh, but it was all a ruse as she takes a cookie sheet from under the ring and nails Candy with it for the win at 6:29. After the match, Tara gloats, so Candy jumps her and rips off her top. *1/4

The 411: You know, usually when your computer catches a virus, it's some sort of program. These chicks are so skanky, my Compaq got gonorrhea. Most of the "good stuff" ie, pr0n was cut out for the commercial release, leaving a bunch of slapdash "hardcore" matches. Like a lot of indy shows from Philly, the atmosphere just makes you want to take a shower – and not with one of the girls. Thumbs way down.

Final Score:  2.0   [ Very Bad ]