The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Year 2019: Donald Trump

The 411mania Dumpster Fire of the Year 2019

Hello, everyone, and welcome to The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Year 2019. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

Well, here is it, Dumpster Fire of the Year for 2019. I wish I could say that there were multiple truly awful people vying for the top spot all year long, but, really, after about two months it was obvious that no one was going to surpass the eventual winner. Some people would maybe try, but there was just no way they were going to have the same volume as the winner in terms of plain awfulness. So, for everyone else, it was a race to see who would finish second. And third.

I don’t really have anything else to say in this introduction, so let’s get on with it, shall we?

And now onto 2019’s Dumpster Fire of the Year.

The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Year 2019 goes to Dumpster Fire Hall of Famer, 2018 Dumpster Fire of the Year, and (Jesus Christ) 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump.

This is the president’s third win in a row and, really, it was just no contest. No other person or entity in the world of pop culture came close to dethroning Big Don when it comes to being a relentless dumpster fire, and it sure as hell looks like 2020 will be more of the same shit. From his daily Twitter meltdowns to his disgraceful political rallies to his cringe inducing impromptu press conferences with the “liberal” media on the White House lawn, President Trump continues to say incredibly stupid and incendiary things, things that “Rally his base” and cause consternation and confusion outside of his base and the world over. Just go ahead and pick any day from 2019 and there is likely some Trump controversy dominating that day. Three years into his first term as the leader of the free world and Trump hasn’t figured out that everything he says is going to be examined, parsed, and critiqued because he’s the goddamn president, and if he wants to see less controversy surrounding his presidency he should just stop saying stupid fucking shit. But the man can’t help himself. He just has to let out every brain fart that comes to mind and the controversy starts almost immediately.

Again, you’d think, by now that he would have figured this stuff out. I doubt anyone within his inner circle has said anything to him, since he’s surrounded himself with an army of ass kissing yes men or evil prick assholes like confirmed racist Stephen Miller. But then, Big Don believes he’s the smartest person in the world and believes he knows everything, so why should he listen to anyone but himself?

There was the Hurricane Dorian controversy, where he wanted everyone to know that Alabama was in danger at one point of being hit by the hurricane except he was dead fucking wrong and couldn’t admit it? There was his complete inability to say the right thing after the racist massacre in New Zealand. There was his meaningless feud with Denmark. And let’s not forget that he probably wouldn’t be in the impeachment mess he’s found himself in if he didn’t actually do what he said he did, withhold military aid from Ukraine unless the Ukrainian president started up a public investigation into Joe Biden. But he did do it, the president released the summary of the phone call that proved he did it, his acting chief of staff admitted to the administration doing it, and his fellow Republicans in the House and Senate know he did it but are okay with it. The whole episode was “perfect,” except that it wasn’t, and if any other president had done something similar, like the guy before Trump, there would be no question that he’s a criminal and needs to go.

But that isn’t going to happen. He’ll be around for several more years. And that’s a disgrace.

The economy is roaring along. The stock market is up. Unemployment, across the board, is at record lows. And yet the President’s approval rating won’t go above 50% (if it does it doesn’t seem to last all that long). He should be at like 65%-70% across the board but he isn’t. Why doesn’t he see that reality as a huge problem?

Because he knows everything, he’s smarter than everyone else, and the rules don’t apply to him anyway. Everything is okay. Everything is great. Except that it isn’t.

But he’ll be re-elected in 2020. No question about it. And the perpetual Dumpster Fire will continue burning and burning and burning. That is what we have to look forward to.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was one goddamn day where the president didn’t engender some sort of controversy? Wouldn’t it be great if, for one fucking day, he didn’t say or do something that just pours more gas on the fire?

Jesus Christ.

**

2019’s Second Tier Honorable Mentions: Jussie Smollett, R. Kelly, horror fans on Twitter.

**

And now for 2019’s Honorable Mentions…

–The Democrats: The Democrats seem to think that all they have to do is allow Donald Trump to make a fool of himself and the American people will make the “right” decision. The Democrats also seem to think that “the liberal media” is going to do their job for them and lay out the truth and the reality of the president’s multiple crimes. None of those things have happened or will happen unless the Democrats wake up, get in the game, and stop being so goddamn wimpy. The American people aren’t paying attention to the details, they aren’t informed on anything, and “the liberal media,” despite protests to the contrary, loves the president (controversy makes for compelling television) and has never been interested in telling anyone the truth. “The liberal media” is interested in “bi-partisanship” and “getting things done” and the horse race (“Who is up? Who is down? What do the numbers show?”). When the Democrats figure out that you can’t negotiate with terrorists and that the other side is ruthless there might be some hope for the world. But that isn’t going to happen. The Democrats will continue to make the same mistakes again and again and will never, ever get it. Even Trump’s upcoming second term won’t “fix” the Democrats. It’s disgraceful.

-Dumpster Fire Hall of Famer and thoroughly disgraced actor, writer, director, comedian and outright monster Louis C.K.. He’s back doing stand-up on a fairly regular basis, traveling the world, telling jokes, and showing everyone that he’s never going to actually apologize for the unspeakable things that he did and admitted to. What he is going to do is whine about how much money he’s lost since the world found out he’s a scumbag piece of shit pervert, and his comedy buddies are going to come to his defense because “he’s suffered enough. Think of his kids.” No, he hasn’t suffered enough, and he should have thought of his kids before he did what he did. And the comedy clubs that continue to book him and the people who continue to pay money to see him, you all clearly have no shame. You’re just as disgusting as he is.

-Comedian, talk show host, and Dumpster Fire Hall of Famer Bill Maher. Maher’s continued, wrongheaded insistence that vaccines are dangerous is baffling to hear, especially for someone who wants everyone to “believe” in science. Practically every week Maher just goes on and on about how important science and science literacy are, and then he wants you to believe that vaccines are bad, despite all evidence to the fucking contrary. What the fuck, Bill?

-Disgraced comedy legend, convicted rapist, and Dumpster Fire Hall of Famer Bill Cosby. Cosby probably wouldn’t have made the list if he hadn’t sent out that message complaining about Eddie Murphy, but he did and he’s just awful. Please go ahead and read last week’s Dumpster Fire of the Week. It still stands, and it will stand forever. Bill, please, just go away. Stop talking. You’re a terrible, terrible person.

**

Thanks for reading. Agree? Disagree? Sign up with disqus and comment. You know you want to, so just go do it.

Please “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column on Facebook!

Oh, and B-movies rule. Always remember that.