The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Creepshow

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #456: Creepshow

Anthology April: Week 1

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has nothing against comic books or the people who read comic books as I am someone who reads them, too, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and fifty-six, Anthology April begins with a look at the classic George A. Romero/Stephen King collaboration from 1982, Creepshow.

Creepshow

Creepshow, directed by George A. Romero with a screenplay by Stephen King, is an homage to the old EC horror comics from the 1950’s, comics that both Romero and King loved as kids. Creepshow the movie certainly evokes a sort of “living comic book” feel, with weird lighting and “comic panels” showing up every so often as transitions. It would have been nice if Romero and King had added a “host” character to the proceedings, but then that probably would have made the wraparound story weird (you know, weirder than it already is). I mean, there is that skeleton thing that shows up in the kid’s bedroom window, but that’s not really the same as having a host character introducing the film’s five segments, is it? The skeleton character (the creeper?) really doesn’t do anything but sit in that kid’s window.

Creepshow is five segments with a wraparound story. The movie also features what could be touted as an all-star cast, something you don’t expect in a Romero movie (I seem to remember Romero referring to the Creepshow cast as being like a Columbo episode or something like that. He said it as part of that old Encore show The Directors). The segments are generally around twenty minutes long and, like pretty much every anthology movie I’ve ever seen, some segments are better than others.

The first segment, “Father’s Day,” is all about a family get together that goes awry when the rich asshole dead father of a family of rich assholes decides to pop out of his grave and go on a killing spree. The family tends to meet up once a year in June, right around Father’s Day, and they engage in alcohol fueled tension (that’s the only way I can describe it. It’s sort of like when a family gets together to read a dead rich guy’s will and all sorts of shit ends up happening). The dead rich asshole pops up out of the grave when his daughter Bedelia, the one who killed him on Father’s Day, shows up in the cemetery on her way to the get together, pours some alcohol on the grave, and somehow summons up her dead father’s evil spirit. The dead father really, really, really wants the cake that he never got the day he was killed.

I’m not sure if I would have started off the movie with this segment. It plays a little too long for me, and the family stuff isn’t all that interesting. Ed Harris, in his second collaboration with Romero (Harris starred in Romero’s Knightriders), is kind of douchey as a guy named Hank. I think you will like the way his character gets it in the end. And I think you’ll love the dead asshole zombie monster played by frequent Romero collaborator and Martin star John Amplas. Excellent sort of zombie makeup by Tom Savini.

The second segment, “The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill,” stars big Steve in his first starring role as a hick who watches a meteor crash on his property. When he decides to go investigate the area around the crash, Jordy figures that he can take the meteor to the local college and maybe get some money for it. However, when Jordy goes and touches the meteor, weird shit starts to happen to him. Basically, Jordy starts to become a giant plant. On top of that, the weird plant grass stuff that shows up on Jordy’s body starts to spread all over Jordy’s property, into the town Jordy lives near, and, presumably, all over the world.

I don’t quite understand what the point of this segment is outside of giving Stephen King a big time acting job. And while King is excellent playing the dimwitted Jordy (he has terrific facial expressions), is the ultimate point of the segment that the world is screwed because Jordy thought he could make some money off of the meteor by giving it to the college? Or is the world screwed simply because Jordy decided to go fuck around with the meteor period? If he just left it alone, maybe nothing would have happened to him or the world (he wouldn’t have become a plant and he’d get to continue watching Bob Backlund defend the world title on TV or something?)? This segment just seems a little mean-spirited for its own good. It should have been funnier.

The third segment, “Something to Tide You Over,” has Leslie Nielson as a sadistic rich guy looking for revenge against his wife (Dawn of the Dead’s Fran, Gaylen Ross) and the man she had an affair with (Ted Danson). I love the way this segment plays out, with Nielson’s Richard taking Danson’s Harry to the beach for some reason and then the big reveal as to why they’re at the beach. Being buried up to your chin in sand at the beach is absolutely horrifying to contemplate, and that’s before the goddamn tide comes in and you drown because you can’t get yourself out of the hole. The ending is a bit abrupt, I would have liked a little more cat and mouse between Richard trying to escape from the waterlogged Harry and Becky (that would be Ross), but I have to say that the scene where Richard thinks he’s escaped, only to find out that Harry and Becky are right behind him still makes me jump all these years later. Out of the five segments, this may be my favorite one.

The fourth segment, “The Crate,” has two things going on in it. First, a janitor finds a weird beard crate underneath some stairs at the local college, a crate that’s been around for decades, apparently unnoticed. The janitor contacts a professor by the name of Dexter (Fritz Weaver) about the crate, and Dexter and the janitor open it to find out what the hell is inside it. Unfortunately for the janitor, the crate is the home of a monster that likes to eat people whole. And so the janitor is pulled into the crate and scarfed down.

Second, there’s a college professor played by Hal Holbrook who is married to an absolutely obnoxious Adrienne Barbeau. Holbrook’s professor, a Henry Northrup, wants out of his marriage but doesn’t really know how to go about it (I’m going to assume that getting a divorce would cost him tons of money or something). When Henry finds out about the crate the monster inside it, Henry hatches a plan to make Barbeau’s Wilma the monster’s next meal.

I don’t really care for this segment. The monster created by Tom Savini is excellent, sure, but the segment isn’t very involving. I think it would have made more sense to streamline the story and make it all about Henry, Wilma, and the crate, or just about Henry killing his wife (why not have Henry try to duplicate his big “shoot Wilma in the head” daydream?). The bits with Weaver’s Dexter are lame. And the ending is so anti-climactic.

The final segment, easily the grossest of the five, “They’re Creeping Up On You,” has the great E.G. Marshall as an asshole businessman and germaphobe who is attacked by cockroaches in his super sterile apartment. Marshall’s Upson Pratt is a total dick to everyone he interacts with, both the people in his building and his employees, which is why you never feel an ounce for sympathy for him. You can’t wait to see him go down, although you’re not quite sure how the roaches are going to get him. When I first saw this movie I thought that a sort of giant, mutant cockroach was going to appear and bite Pratt’s head off. I didn’t see the roaches completely overtaking Pratt’s dead body after he has a heart attack and bursting out of him. It was absolutely disgusting the first time I saw it, it’s still absolutely disgusting now, and it will still be disgusting in the future. It’s also brilliant and exactly the way the segment should have ended. When “Something to Tide You Over” isn’t my favorite segment, this one is.

And then there’s the wraparound, which has an asshole father played by the immortal Tom Atkins pissed off that his son, played by Joe King (Joe Hill), is into horror comics. Atkins actually throws out a “Creepshow” comic, which causes King’s Billy to interact with the skeleton creature creeper. The second part of the wraparound has Billy using a voodoo doll he sent away for using a coupon from the “Creepshow” comic on his father. Watching Billy “stab” his father with the doll is one of the most fucked up things in the movie, especially the way Atkins chokes and can’t breathe. I will say, though, that it’s a terrific public service announcement for people who think it’s a good idea to remove comics from other people’s lives. This is what could happen to you if you try.

Creepshow is uneven but filled with enough visual creativity to keep the audience interested. The music, by John Harrison, is also top notch and creepy. The theme that plays over the end titles is darkly whimsical and exactly what a horror comic “sounds” like. And Savini’s special effects are amazing. The cartoon/sort of animated transitions are pretty dang cool, too. It’s too bad that Romero didn’t get to make a sequel. He did write the script for the eventual Creepshow 2 but that’s about the extent of his involvement in that. It would have been cool to see what he could have done with another anthology.

So how could Creepshow be fixed? If Creepshow had been my movie, I would have had “They’re Creeping Up on You” first, followed by “Jordy Verrill,” “The Crate,” “Father’s Day” (that really would play better in the middle), and end with “Something to Tide You Over.” Both “Creeping” and “Tide” end on a high energy note, and I think that’s the best way to go when putting together a multi-segment movie. I also would have found a way to tighten up the middle segments. I have no idea how to actually do that, but if it was my movie I’d find out how. As it exists, though, Creepshow is good. It’s not great, but it is good. Damn good some of the time.

Despite its uneven flow, Creepshow is a classic and an absolute must see for horror and Romero nerds. Check it out and your earliest possible convenience.

See Creepshow. See it, see it, see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 12

Undead bodies: 3

Explosions: One.

Nudity?: None.

Doobage: Yelling, face slapping, cool opening animated titles, a shotgun blast, erratic driving, ashtray to the head, drinking booze in a graveyard, strangulation, dancing, smoking outside, tombstone to the head, more dancing, a very dead maid, neck snap, a sudden lack of booze, a severed head, exploding meteor, multiple daydreams, meteor tasting, moments of extreme moss, vodka drinking, a tub full of water, gag gifts, a sweet beach house, attempted shovel to the head, a big hole, TV wire city, a shorted out TV, murder via beach, a floating bucket, attempted relaxation, shower taking, multiple bullets to the head, and major comeuppance, coin bullshit, a crate that says “1834” on it, another bullet to the head, a strangulation dream, a bad smell, janitor eating, woman eating, a giant flashlight, serious side of the head and neck biting, face slashing, blood removal, milk pouring, milk drinking, broken glasses, more woman eating, getting rid of a giant crate, serious germaphobia, hand washing, business bullshit, attempted roach killing, food processor hooey, roach stomping, a blackout, panic room hooey, a bed covered in roaches, total roach takeover, garbagemen going through the garbage, a voodoo doll, and an appropriate ending.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: Tom Atkins, a comic book with the same name as the movie, Tom Atkins announcing, in an offhand way, the stories depicted in the movie, Ed Harris, comic book panels, a marble ashtray that was used to kill a guy, Happy Father’s Day on a cake, Ed Harris dancing, Ed Harris going outside to smoke, Stephen King, Stephen King playing a hick, Stephen King tasting a meteor, Stephen King watching Bob Backlund defend the world title on TV, a deer head on the wall, Stephen King saying “No,” Stephen King turning into a giant moss thing, a Castle Rock sign, Leslie Nielson, Ted Danson, Gaylen Ross, Leslie Nielson setting up a VCR, attempted crab attack, Leslie Nielson laughing, Leslie Nielson taking a shower, Christine Forrest, Hal Holbrook, Fritz Weaver, Adrienne Barbeau, Hal Holbrook shooting Adrienne Barbeau in the head, nail removal, crate dropping, E.G. Marshall, a sterile apartment, roaches everywhere, talk of herpes, a jukebox, a food processor, mouths, racism, Tom Savini as a garbageman, and an appropriate ending.

Best lines: “Daddy, don’t throw it away. I’m sorry,” “I took care of it. That’s why God made fathers. That’s why God made fathers,” “I hope you rot in hell,” “You can almost set your watch to it,” “You promised me my cake!,” “You’re nothing but a bunch of vultures!,” “Happy Father’s Day!,” “Should I glaze them now, ma’am?,” ‘Ain’t life grand, Miss D?,” “It’s Father’s Day and I finally got my cake!,” “That’s a meteor,” “I wonder how much they pay for it up the college,” “Meteor shit!,” “Maybe I can glue it together in the morning,” “This is going to be extremely painful, Mr. Verrill,” “I’m growing,” “Oh no! Not there!,” “Talk to me you sonofabitch or I’m gonna kill you!,” “I love the ocean except when the tide is out,” “Jump into that hole,” “Good boy, Harry. Good boy,” “I always keep my promises, Harry,” “Richard, will you get it out of here?,” “It’s showtime!,” “Oh my God, you are insane,” “Oh my God,” “Richard, I’m gonna get you! Do you hear me, Richard? I’m gonna get you!,” “The current pulled him out,” “You can’t shoot us dead, Richard!,” “We want you to come to the beach,” “I can hold my breath a long time!,” “Oh, just call me Billie, everyone does!,” “What’s the matter with you two, you’re not drinking?,” “I gather you’ll be unavailable for chess?,” “Wilma!,” “Hell of a shot. Bullseye!,” “Oh, Henry, you are such a little kid,” “Wipe the stove!,” “There’s something in there, doc,” “The last time I saw someone do that it was in the movies,” “Henry, goddamit, how many times have I told you to lock the goddamn door?,” “Poor Dex,” “How bad is she? Is she conscious?,” “Get in there, Wilma!,” “Same old Henry. Afraid of your own shadow,” “Just tell it to call you Billie,” “Goddamn bugs,” “Get off the phone, George. Never run good news into the ground,” “Lots of people are going to rejoice when I’m dead. Who are you?,” “I hope you die! I hope you get cancer in the worst place!,” “Orlando? Florida?,” “You have to watch them because they creep up on ya!,” “What the fuck? Another sonofabitch blackout!,” “Come on, come on, what do I pay you for?,” “What’s the matter, Mr. Pratt? Bugs got your tongue?,” “Chew your food before you swallow!,” “It’s a comic book,” “Where’s Billy?,” “I’ll teach you to throw away my comic books!,” and “Ready for another shot, Dad?”

Rating: 7.5/10.0

**

**

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!

Please check out and “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which is here. There’s stuff there now! Midnight trailers! 3 AM Joe Bob! And more!

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!

**

Things to Watch Out For This Week

–Surge of Power: Revenge of the Sequel: This wonderful low budget superhero movie, the first superhero movie starring a gay superhero, which I reviewed here, is finally on home video. The brainchild of star Vincent J. Roth, the “Surge” of the title, the movie has an all-star cast including Eric Roberts, Linda Blair, Gil Gerard, Reb fucking Brown, Lou Ferrigno, Nichelle Nichols, Robert Picardo, Bruce Villanch, and plenty more (check out the full cast list here). If you’ve seen the first Surge movie, The Stuff of Heroes, you’ll probably like this. I still haven’t seen the first Surge movie, but, going in blind to Revenge of the Sequel, I didn’t know what to expect and came out loving it. If you’re willing to give a low budget superhero movie a chance, please check it out. It’s worth your time.

–The Chamber: This is some sort of low budget submarine movie about a group of special forces operators who end up trapped in a submarine off the coast of North Korea. It’s been getting generally good reviews, at least the ones that I’ve seen for it, as it seems to pack in more atmosphere and claustrophobia than other “trapped in a submarine” movies that cost three times as much. Definitely rentable, just to see if it lives up to its reputation.

–Looking Glass: This is yet another new low budget Nicolas Cage movie where weird shit starts to happen for some reason. Apparently Cage is married to The Mentalist star Robin Tunney in this movie and they own a desert hotel for some reason and that’s where the weird shit starts to happen. Cage’s character also seems to like watching people have sex in his hotel, a subject that could probably be its own movie one day (I’m shocked that it hasn’t already). I have no idea if this movie is going to be any good or not, but, man, I bet Cage gives an interesting performance. How could he not? Anyone out there see this? And is anyone interested in a low budget Nicolas Cage movie marathon at some point in the future?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9ryKS8TrDY

–4/20 Massacre: I’ve actually seen this low budget slasher/survival horror flick about a group of friends camping in the woods who are attacked by a killer that likes pot. I’m not going to say, explicitly, if it’s any good here (you’ll have to wait for my review, which is forthcoming), but I will say that, in general, it is worth seeing. I mean, how many horror movies outside of the Evil Bong movies do you see that prominently feature marijuana in an almost positive light?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_nSXbqJgU

**

Ash vs. Evil Dead is back!

Check out my reviews for the third season below!

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6

**

B-Movie News

–Upcoming Sharknado 6 will be the last in the series: Yes, sadly, the Sharknado low budget movie franchise, brought into the world by both The Asylum and the Sci Fi Channel back in 2013, is set to end with the sixth installment, which is set to premiere this July (July 25th, to be exact, according to this article). We don’t have a title for part 6 just yet, nor do we have any behind-the-scenes what have you regarding the movie, which seems weird with only a few months to go before it comes out. But then the Sharknado thing has lost a bit of its luster over the years. It’s still a big deal for Sci Fi and cable TV in general, but it isn’t the big deal it used to be. I’m just surprised that it’s managed to generate five sequels.

Now, I still haven’t seen the fifth one, Global Swarming, a movie that I had planned on reviewing as a B-Movie “special edition” last summer but just never got around to it. I will, finally, review it next month, as part of the MAYhem marathon, where it will hang out alongside movies made by action stars Scott Adkins, Jason Statham, either Dolph Lundgren or Don “The Dragon” Wilson, and Gary Busey. It should be a fun marathon.

Anyway, I’ve enjoyed all of the Sharknado movies I’ve seen so far and it will be sad to see the franchise end, but then, as I said, who the hell thought there would be multiple sequels to a movie about killer shark filled tornadoes? I know I didn’t. I can’t wait to finally see Global Swarming, and I will definitely be tuning in to whatever the hell they end up calling part 6.

Man, do you think they’ll just call it part 6 and leave it at that? Would they do that?

**

Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!

**

Next Issue: Anthology April continues with Creepshow 2!

**

Interviews

david j. moore
Jino Kang
Vladimir Kulich
Paul Mormando
Shahin Sean Solimon
Michael Matteo Rossi
Tyrone Magnus
Hector Barron
Jeffrey Orgill
Michael Baumgarten
R. Marcos Taylor
Don “The Dragon” Wilson
Paul Kyriazi
Eric Jacobus
Juju Chan
Luke LaFontaine
Marco Siedlemann
Sam Firstenberg
Amariah Olson
Alexander Nevsky
Mathias Hues
Kristanna Loken
Steve Mitchell
Albert Pyun
Brad Thornton
Mathieu Ratthe
Damien Power
Kelsey Carlisle
Mike Dwyer
Nicholas Bushman
Brahim Achabbakhe
Etcetera
Richard LeMay
Andrew David Barker
Cynthia Rothrock
Leslie Simpson
C. Courtney Joyner
Shahin Sean Solimon (2)
Eric Miller
Alexander Nevsky (2)
Christopher Lawrence Chapman
James Mark
Casper Van Dien
Chris Mark
James E. Wilson
Barry Hunt
Vincent J. Roth
Mathew Ziff
Brandon Tyler Russell
Barry Hunt (2)
Lobsang Tenzin

**

Follow me on Twitter!

**

Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.

B-movies rule. Always remember that.

Creepshow

“Prologue and Epilogue”
Tom Atkins– Stan
Iva Jean Saraceni– Billy’s Mom
Joe King– Billy
Tom Savini– Garbageman #2

“Father’s Day”
Jon Lormer– Nathan Grantham
Viveca Lindfors– Bedelia
Ed Harris– Hank Blaine
John Amplas– Nathan’s Corpse

“The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill”
Stephen King– Jordy Verrill
Bingo O’Malley– Jordy’s father and doctor

“Something to Tide You Over”
Leslie Nielson– Richard
Ted Danson– Harry
Gaylen Ross– Becky

“The Crate”
Hal Holbrook– Henry
Adrienne Barbeau– Wilma
Fritz Weaver– Dexter
Don Keefer– Mike the janitor

“They’re Creeping Up on You”
E.G. Marshall– Upson Pratt
David Early– White

Directed by George A. Romero
Screenplay by Stephen King

Distributed by Warner Brothers

Rated R for graphic violence and language
Runtime– 120 minutes

Buy it here