411’s TNA Impact Report 07.10.08

Greetings, humanity! I am Chris Lansdell, guest host of this week’s Impact recap since El Gran Jefe Csonka is worn out from real life escapades. Gotta love real life.

TNA Wrestling – Cross the LINE!

We get a video package, highlighting the Beer Money – LAX feud. TNA Impact begins…NOW!

Straight into a parking lot brawl between Homicide and Roode. Homicide blocks an attempt to ram his head into a Jeep and reverses it. Beatery on top of a Sportage by Homicide. Trash can shot to the head of Roode. Roode regains control and hurls Homicide into the side of a trailer, then hits him to deep right field with a lead pipe. Roode swings for the fences with a plank and misses. OH MY GOD he tries the Gringo Killer in the parking lot, but Jackie breaks it up. That would have been nasty. A man in a bandanna (gee, wonder who that could be) attacks Homicide, and we have a three on one. Homicide gets handcuffed and beaten, then is dragged into the arena. They throw him into the ring, Storm has his belt off but chooses to superkick Homicide in the head first. He starts with the strapping, but I’ve seen stronger strap shots in fetish porn. I mean, heard about. From Westerfeld. Yeah, that’s it. Finally Hernandez has finished taking a dump or beating off to Salinas’ porno or whatever he was doing. and is out for the save until the numbers game~! gets the better of SuperMex. Whipped in, he runs through the attempt by Beer Money and clears the ring of evil heels. Hernandez and Guerrero tend to Homicide, and GUITAR as Sting is in the rafters again. Why? This couldn’t have waited for a less hot angle?

COMMERCIAL

We’re back and we get a package for the poorly-managed, problem-riddled World X Cup.

Match 1.5 – Masato Yoshino vs Doug Williams

Mark the fuck out! I need to see Chaos Theory in this match. Lockup and Doug starts off with some cheap shots before getting blitzed by the speed of Yoshino. Dude is not quick, he’s sudden. Williams counters the speed with a high knee. Cover gets 2. Snap mare followed by a slam and a leaping knee drop gets 2. Why do we need a replay of a knee drop? Gutwrench suplex gets another 2. Nicely done. German countered, Yoshino with a takedown and a ridiculously high missile dropkick gets 2.7. Palm strikes into a sloppy botched tilt-a-whirl for 2. Yoshino up top again, Williams crotches him and hits a double underhook superplex for 2. Powerbomb try countered into a sunset flip by Yoshino for 2. Charge by Yoshino misses, CHAOS MUTHALOVING THEORY!!!!!!!!!! gets the 3. I am a happy panda.

Winner: Doug Williams via pin (Chaos Theory)
Rating: ** The botch really hurt this match in my view, but otherwise it was solid.

We get a backstage segment with Angle telling Angelina and Velvet to do some squats. The marks hate them because they’re hot, allegedly. I’m hating them right now….with MY WANG. They start doing squats and Jeremy has a small tent pole issue. GET THE BAG~!

COMMERCIAL. No mid-match breaks so far, 2 matches in 23 minutes…I approve!

Lauren is in a yoga class with the Guru. After some tremendously unfunny crap, Lethal appears and annihilates Dutt. He drops a rack of balls on him, and the symbolism speaks for itself.

Now Lauren is with Taylor. She sure gets around in her lunch hour. Taylor is nervous, shaky and sweaty, much like Batista at a Wellness test.

Another video package, this time for the 6-man tag on Sunday. Of course, you can check out the live pay per view coverage RIGHT HERE on 411wrestling.com! TNA do a good job with these packages, and with the PPV this weekend you can forgive the forsaking of match time to build the event.

COMMERCIAL

A Rough Cut segment for Matt Morgan airs. His wife’s kinda hot.

Match 2.5: Falls Count Anywhere 6-man Tag – Kip James, Petey Williams (w/ Rhaka Khan) and Tomko vs BG James, Eric Young and Matt Morgan

Damn, Tomko has fallen out of favour. I presume we get a PPV match out of this mess, since none of them is on the card. Hell, when was the last time any of them were on Impact? Morgan appears to be working the Brock Lesnar gimmick still.

Morgan and Kip square off in the ring, Tomko and BG outside along with Williams and Young. Morgan in control in the ring, he goes OLD SCHOOL on Kip. Vintage Morgan~! Tomko breaks it up and lays in the beatings to Morgan, then whips him into the railing. Petey is thrown into Morgan but that gets countered. Morgan nails Tomko and gets a 2 count on the outside. Young throws Petey into the crowd and continues the beatings, Petey regains control and applies a Sharpshooter on the arena steps! We get away to watch BG and Kip hitting each other, and when we come back to EY and Petey the hold is broken and EY is in control. The camera work is all over the place on this match and making it impossible to call.

Young and Petey are inside, Petey goes for the SickFlipPiledriver the Canadian Destroyer, EY counters into a wheelbarrow neckbreaker for 2. Now that was new. Very pleasant. Tomko breaks the pin up, but gets thrown out. EY tries to follow but Tomko has Rhaka’s lead pipe. That’ll stop you cold. WOW! Petey with a slingshot huracanrana to the outside and that gets the three!

Winners: Petey Williams, Tomko and Kip James via pinfall (Petey on Young, slingshot rana to the outside)
Rating: ** Hard to go any higher, the camera angles kept changing and I couldn’t really tell what was happening. The finish was nice though. I’d like to see EY get a shot against Petey on Sunday.

Post-match, Tomko and Petey have evil intentions, but CHRIS ABYSS is out for the save. He goes to pick up the lead pipe but appears uncomfortable holding a weapon.

COMMERCIAL

Match 3: TNA Knockouts Championship – Taylor Wild vs Awesome KONG!

For someone who’s supposedly not on the payroll, they sure got theme music and an entrance video together for Taylor in a hurry.

Kong charges Taylor in the corner to start, goes for an early Kong Bomb but Taylor escapes and goes schizo on Kong. Kong pushes her off but Taylor keeps coming back until Saeed trips Taylor from outside. EVIL HEEL~! Roxxi is out to even the odds, and we cut to commercial.

Back to the action and Kong is in control with a concerned Roxxi on the outside. I just noticed that Roxxi’s shirt says “No carpet. No Drapes.” NUMEROUS PURCHASES~! Big hair beal by Kong. Whip to the corner, Kong follows her in and just crushes her into the turnbuckles. The newly 2D Taylor gets slammed, Kong to the second rope, splash misses! A brace of dropkicks by Taylor, followed by a missile dropkick gets 2.89 for Taylor! Leg kicks by Taylor have no effect as Kong just smacks her down. Kong Bomb try, reversed into a sunset flip try, Kong blocks and tries to sit down on it, Taylor moves! Basement dropkick flush to the jaw gets 2.91! Taylor tries a German with predictable results, Kong turns it into the Implant Buster! She caught that good…2.935 only! Backhand, backhand…URAKEN MISSES! SCHOOLGIRL! 1…2…3!!!!!! NEW CHAMPION!!!

Winner, and NEW champion: Taylor Wild via pinfall (schoolgirl rollup)
Rating: ***¼ I was NOT expecting that. I was thinking a DQ win for Taylor, but then I realised that they would still have to change the title on a DQ. Good, quick match which told a good story of Taylor never giving up and Kong being vicious but beatable. It will be interesting to see where they go from here.

COMMERCIAL

After a recap of the shocking title change, JB is backstage with Kaz and Team TNA, Kaz talks about people bragging about what they did 10 years ago. That’s a shoot, brahs!

World X Cup match – Ultimo Guerrero vs Kaz

So Team Mexico only has 2 guys? Weird. I guess Averno and Mistico had visa issues.

Standard indy exchanges to start. Kaz goes for a superplex VERY early, Guerrero turns it into a top-rope gourdbuster for 2! Fabulous. Chops in the corner by Guerrero, followed by a headstand Bronco Buster for 2. Guerrero is busy trying to quiet the crowd, so Kaz regains control briefly, but Guerrero catches a top rope inverted suplex for 2 more! Side slam countered by Kaz, dropkick and a clothesline. Whip reversed by Kaz into a kick combo for 2. Kaz charges, Guerrero elevates him to the apron but Kaz hits the neck snap then BLOWS a springboard, but I think it was intentional. Guerrero gets a quick 2. Kaz is selling the knee, but manages to climb up for a super rana…BLOCKED! SUPER BOMB across the ring gets 2. Moonsault missed by Guerrero, Kaz hits the Wave of the Future and gets the 3!

Winner: Kaz via pinfall (Wave of the Future)
Rating: *3/4 There was no flow to this match. A few months ago I would have gone much higher with the rating, because of the moves, but there was nothing to connect them. It just seemed like they were pulling them out with nothing in between except Guerrero shushing the crowd. Kaz “hurting” his knee and then ignoring it pissed me off as well.

Lauren is with AJ, Gail and ODB. AJ puts over the ladies saying it’s about them, not him. Gail is noticeably reading from a script on the floor, but at least she doesn’t sound like it. ODB promises a facial for Love and Sky. I have no doubt ODB is able to provide one, and I would be glad to help her out.

COMMERCIAL

A video package for Ultimate X, followed by the final hard sell for Victory Road. Cornette is out to make the rematch for Sunday, Kong vs Wild.

Angle is backstage again, telling off the Beautiful People for tanning. “SCREW YOUR BOOBS!” – Kurt Angle. That may be the greatest line ever. EVER.

COMMERCIAL

Another video package, this time for Joe vs Booker. Apparently Booker is going to apologise to Joe now. Booker calls Joe out in his posh voice, but loses points for not calling him Samoa Joseph. Booker does respect Joe, and he wants to apologise for his past behaviour. Yes, he’s sorry for what’s going to happen this Sunday night. Shock. Booker thinks Joe can’t beat him. Who have you beaten Joe? Booker lists the people he has beaten and Joe looks about as impressed as one of Ashley Massaro’s clients. Joe tells Booker he’ll be sorry alright. Oh look, Sting again. Yippee. PLEASE don’t add him to the match, I beg you. Booker presumes he wants the winner, but Sting says those are Booker’s words, and walks off. Whatever man.

COMMERCIAL. I didn’t see Hellboy, but the previews for 2 are not interesting me much.

Now we have a package for Kim vs Love. Could they not have spread this out over 2 weeks?

MAIN EVENT: Kurt Angle and the Beautiful People vs AJ Styles, ODB and Gail Kim

ODB and Love start, ODB catches a crossbody and hits a fallaway slam. Tag to Kim and to Sky, who looks amazing tonight. Gail dominates Sky so she tags in Angle. AJ is in now and they exchange armbars. Slam by AJ, high leaping kneedrop and AJ gets 2. BEAUTIFUL dropkick by AJ gets 2 more as Frank Trigg and Karen Angle make their ways out.

COMMERCIAL

Back from break and Angle is in control with a body scissors/chinlock combo. We see that during the break, Frank Trigg distracted AJ to let Angle take control. Angle Slam try reversed into a DDT by AJ, and both men are down. They exchange big shots mid-ring, AJ with the roaring clothesline to take control. Pele! ITJUSTCOMESOUTOFNOWHEREMIKE! Styles Clash countered, double clothesline and both men are down again. That should make Love and Sky feel right at home. Hot tags and the faces are HOUSES~! EN~! FUEGO!!! AJ with the flip to the outside onto AJ, Gail hits the strait-jacket neckbreaker for the 3.

Winners: Gail Kim, ODB and AJ Styles via pinfall (Kim on Sky, strait-jacket neckbreaker)
Rating: **½ Again, nothing special. Standard, paint-by-numbers PPV hype match. Everyone faced their opponents for Sunday, one of the people not involved in the PPV took the fall, and the heels ended up on top. Nothing outstanding, but nothing bad, so the rating goes right in the middle.

Post-match, the heels attack, and Angle goes to break AJ’s freaking ankle while the Beautiful People beat down Gail Kim. Karen is in, LOW BLOW! AJ goes for the Styles Clash, but Trigg breaks it up and hits Angle with a snap fireman’s carry. Pretty crisp their MMA boy. Angle locks in the ankle lock while Love and Sky give Gail the bag as we go off the air.

Final Thoughts
Well, it hyped the PPV alright. I know I was willing to give TNA the pass for all the videos, but they went way beyond that pass. Is there any reason that the two matches made tonight could not have been announced last week? We could have had a 6-woman tag with Taylor, ODB and Kim vs Kong and the Beautiful People, leaving the title change for Sunday. Kaz-Guerrero was just a bunch of moves with nothing in between. Everything else was pretty much…there. Thumbs solidly in the middle.