411’s WWE Confidential Report 02.01.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, YOU DIE A LITTLE BIT EACH TIME YOU SMILE
Anyone else spend the day watching coverage of the Columbia disaster? It’s strange having this weird mix of emotions. I mean, obviously my heart goes out to the family and friends of the seven people who died today. Being an astronaut is an incredibly difficult job, one that carries with it the risk of death every time they go into space. Anyone who’d forgotten that in recent years remembered it this morning. At a time like this, it’s reasonable to look for answers from our media, something to help make sense of this type of tragic event.
So imagine my loathing as the Fox News Channel, desperately filling time from the announcement of the explosion/disintegration through the news conferences in the afternoon, used some of the worst TV journalism tricks. Namely, in lieu of any actual facts or information, let’s throw out wild speculation! One of the early concerns people had was that this might somehow have been a terrorist act. Intelligence officials were quick to discount this possibility, citing the altitude of the shuttle, as well as its speed at the time. Not good enough for Fox! In what amounted to little more than saying, “We know it isn’t terrorists… but what if it is?”, Fox did a number of segments where an expert was forced to repeat everything that had already been stated while a newscaster failed to move on. In the half-hour before the President’s address to the nation, several newspeople hypothesized (‘cause why use facts, right?) what the President might say. Their award-winning insight? That he’d express regret for the families of those lost. JESUS, YOU THINK?
Sorry to be so upset, but it’s terrible when something as important to America as this tragedy is stumbled over and mishandled by the cable news networks, simply because the cardinal sin of TV news seems to be “don’t stop talking, even for a second.”
It’s worse feeling this sadness and anger when you have to deal with while working. I was at my job, working retail, and I had the local Fox channel on to keep up with recent events. It’s more than a little difficult to help customers, ring up purchases and try to be friendly when all you want to do is stare at the TV in silence. Not the best day.
To make it weirder, here’s an all-new Confidential. Bear with me.

SEGMENT #1: BEHIND THE SCENES: TOUGH ENOUGH 3 FINALE
It’s jitters a-poppin’ as the WWE pokes their cameras around backstage before and during the TE3 Finale. We’re allowed to enjoy the non-existent drama of everyone naming who they think will get the contracts. I’m not sure whom everyone said, since it’s the usual Ѕ second edits that make my head feel like it’s going to explode. Basically, everyone thought Matt would win, but were divided on the other winner. But before qualified individuals could make a determination on which the most qualified contestants were, any dingus with a computer got to decide who left before desert. Al explains this new addition to the TE Finale by mentioning the feeling from the public that Jackie and Linda shouldn’t have won last time, although Al disagrees. There’s a funny shot backstage of Coach telling Nowinski that he’s lucky the Internet vote wasn’t a factor on TE1, because he’d have lost even earlier. Future TE3 winner John got in on the heckling, no doubt leading to a 411 newsboard headline in 2 months about how he’s in “the doghouse” for not following “backstage etiquette”. But the laughter stopped at 10pm (EST), as the show started live. And, despite Jimmy Hayes voting multiple times for Jonah, it was Jamie who got cut by a HUGE margin. Seriously, they showed Al and Big looking at a laptop with a bar graph of the results. It was Jamie over Jonah by almost 2-1. Before the cut was announced, all the finalists’ parents were backstage, and one by one the looked relieved. Then Jamie was cut, and the other parents consoled hers. At 10:43, John won and was happy. At 10:54, Matt won and was happy. See? Losing is a lot more fun to watch than winning. Or so Triple H tells me…

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Speaking of HHH, Steiner and Y2J fight on RAW to decide which man will lose to him at No Way Out.
-Stacker 2 rids you of unsightly pounds and money.
-Castrol GTX sees you when you’re sleeping.
-Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach Boobboobsboobs.
-Local: AT&T Xtreme Broadband Phone Service
-Local: AT&T Broadband Digital F’n Cable
-CSI on TNN. You know, TNN’s right. I really do only tune to TNN to watch wrestling, despite the many ads for other shows. Save your money, TNN!

SEGMENT #2: WWE RAW vs THE FAR EAST
Didn’t we do enough to the people of Korea and Japan? We had to send them Scott Steiner, too? Well, they also got HHH, Jericho, Booker T and the entire RAW roster on a big Far East tour last week. Not big in the number of shows, I mean. That’s just 2. But big because they flew from Rhode Island to Seoul, South Korea. To prove it, Confidential filmed a few RAW Superstars touring the city. Chris Jericho was disappointed to see all the Rock t-shirts for sale, but no Y2J merchandise, until he figured out why. All the Y2J stuff sold out! That wacky Canadian humor, it gets you every time. HHH called being a WWE Superstar in Korea “like being one of the Beatles.” Which makes Flair Yoko, maybe? Christian thought the performance in Seoul had the loudest crowd he’d ever performed in front of. It was so loud, the entire crew packed up and headed to Tokyo. Hurricane and RVD barely avoided an international incident, but they did reinforce the view that all Americans are brash, disrespectful goofs. How? RVD looked out a pair of binoculars on an observation deck of a tall building and screamed, “Gozirra! Gozirra!” Rob himself said, “I think I shamed myself. And my country.” Luckily, not as much as the Japanese shamed themselves. Trish had a run-in with an obsessed fan that, not content with a photo, grabbed Trish’s breast. Why is this funny and hot instead of creepy? The fan was a woman! Where were the cameras then? HHH had a different cleavage encounter as he and Flair were invited to a sumo house to watch sumo wrestlers (sorry, sumo Superstars) train. The sumo physicality, and their ability to eat lots of food impressed both men. No grilled chicken for these athletes. Later that night, the WWE actually remembered to put on a show. RVD was glad to be back in Japan, and Trish found the Japanese fans to be just as passionate as American fans. Just more grabby, I guess.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Stone Cold Steve Austin guns for a Pulitzer in this month’s RAW Magazine.
-Snickers is the only candy that Tom Brady is allowed to eat, contractually.
-Donald the Homeless Guy tells us the Truth about cigarettes. He’s a month from a sitcom deal…
-The Getaway is on PS2. Now piss off!
-Metal Gear Solid 2 Substance is like some weird Magnetic Poetry phrase.
-How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Step One: Take him to this movie. They set ‘em up, I knock ‘em down.
-Target wants you to dress your PS2 in phys.sci t-shirts. Or something like that.
-WWE Live is coming to an arena near you! Go wait by the ticket counter now!

SEGMENT #3: BIG SHOW ON CONAN O’BRIEN
Man, Andy Richter looks terrible. Oh wait! That’s The Big Show! He was a guest on Conan a few nights ago to promote… what, exactly? He wasn’t even on Smackdown this week. But hey, at least he’s on a-list show like Conan, along side Tom Selleck, Caroline Rhea and some freaky old lady named Sue Johannsen (spelling?). And he’s billed as “wrestler”, not “sports entertainer” or “superstar”. Ha ha! In case you never watched an episode of Larry Sanders, allow me to shatter the mystique of those spontaneous, witty interviews you see on late night: they’re all planned out. Big Show gets to be apart of this, as we see his “pre-interview” with some random Conan staffer. So when Conan was cracking up over Big Show’s hilarious stories? He knew them already. But aside from the fakeness, the stories were pretty funny. Big Show talked about throwing a cookie at a guy in a fight, being a bouncer, and watching The Golden Girls with his wife. Then, I swear to God, he tested vibrators but putting them below his nose. Who is this Sue Johannsen, and why did she have Tom Selleck, Big Show and Conan do that?

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Nike ruins British football, too, with Nike Shox.
-Crashing into test dummies is my Anti-Drug.
-1-800-CALL-ATT is Carrot Top, not Jamie Pressly. Damn it!
-Twix, as sold by a fat guy. Finally, a commercial from their target demographic, to their target demographic.
-Castrol GTX knows when you’re awake.
-Daredevil hits screens Feb. 14th, which is not the best holiday for Matt Murdock historically.

SPONSORS:
-Stacker 2, Nike East2West and 1-800-CALL-ATT all have numbers and they all sponsored this show. Very mysterious.

SEGMENT #4: BEHIND THE SCENES: TOUGH ENOUGH 3 FINALLY
As the last look at Tough Enough 3, the trainers (except Bill DeMott) and all the finalists (except John and Jamie) talk about their favorite moments.
Matt: Meeting HBK.
Jonah: Convincing his best friends that he was seriously injured.
Ivory: Jonah’s “poopfest”.
Eric: Making an ass out of himself in Iceland. ON TV! YOU IDIOT!
Al: Operation Snowstorm.
Me: Bill DeMott screaming at a laxative-impaired Jonah. “Why don’t I just come in there and wipe your ass for you? Huh?”

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-WWE Anthology is approved by the Anthocological Institute of North America.
-Castrol GTX knows if you’ve been bad or good.
-Old School has Luke Wilson, Will Farrell and Vince Vaughn, so I’m there.
-ATV Offroad Fury 2: Offroader
-Greased Lightning is something for your engine. And the best unused wrestling name.
-AAMCO is an R away from being an anagram for CAMARO. Sorry, that’s all I’ve got. If you can do something funnier with “AAMCO”, send it in, smart guy.
-Local: Advertise on AT&T Digital Cable. Considering that the only local ads are from AT&T, this ad couldn’t have come at a better time.

WWE REWIND:
-HBK beat HHH at SummerSlam on August 25th, 2002. When did first and last names go out of style?

SEGMENT #5: HBK ON A BOAT
Not just any boat, though. Shawn Michaels is taking a tour of the historic USS Constitution, off the coast of Boston. Long-time viewers of Confidential may recall that HBK is an “army brat”, so the US military is an interest of his. And what isn’t interesting about a 205-year-old boat? WWE fans in the Coast Guard showed him around, and HBK was certain that he could’ve never lived onboard the Constitution. He thinks he could be in the Armed Forces now, though, since he’s “always been a pretty disciplined guy.” Anyone remember the stories from the Clique? “Disciplined”?

SEGMENT #6: SWANTON BOMB
Straight from the pages of Teen Beat, Jeff Hardy talks about the history of the Swanton Bomb. Jeff made up the name, which Kevin Kelly didn’t like originally. The move itself was inspired by the Great Sasuke’s Senton Bomb. The Swanton only hurts when Jeff overshoots. A Swanton off the top of the ladder is Jeff’s favorite. There is always a risk in doing a Swanton, but Jeff loves the rush. Jeff also writes poetry. Jeff likes sunsets, motor bikes and animals. Jeff’s favorite color is purple.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-TNG on TNN. Why is “Star Trek: The Next Generation” TNG? Who talks that way?
-CSI on TNN is acceptable, however.
-Final Destination 2: Electric Boogaloo
-Snickers is the only candy Michael Straihan is allowed to eat, medically.
-Nike East2West, Hitchcock’s South2Southwest.
-Truth utilizes teenagers’ obsessive need to copy Congress in this informative attack on the tobacco industry.
-1-800-CALL-ATT needs more Pressly, less Top.
-Midnight Club 2 for PS2. Why not just call it “MC2”, so we’re too damn lazy to talk anymore.
-Target builds a fat, sedentary populace by simultaneously advertising Slim Jims and Gamecubes.
-Starburst Sour takes a week off from keeping kids apart to sponsor No Way Out.

SEGMENT #7: CHRISTIAN IN AKIHABARA
Akihabara is an electronics district in Tokyo, you foreign devil. Christian is a wrestler. Together, they add a seventh segment to this episode of Confidential. Christian used to live in Japan before he became a WWE Superstar, and he consoled himself by enjoying a warm milk tea that comes in a can. If you think that’s the weirdest Japanese consumable, try Hi-Chews. It’s a Tootsie Roll, but cola-flavored. Eventually, Christian finds his beloved warm milk tea, and all is good. That is, until he makes a stray comment to a guy on the street. See, a passerby was wearing a Dudley Boyz t-shirt, so Christian playfully said, “Get the tables.” This flipped the guy’s switch, ‘cause he shouts back (with very little accent) “D’VON! GET THE TABLES!” Then the guy tries to impress Christian with his knowledge of WWE catch phrases: “Now can you dig that…SUCKAAA!” “Five time, five time, five time, five time, five time!” “Law Is Jelicho”. Christian, in the interest of global harmony, attempts to teach Guy-On-The-Street a new catch phrase word by word. “I” “I” “ain’t” “ain’t” “not” “not” “no” “no” “sucka” “sucka” “neither.” “neither.” Then they sang Christian’s theme music. That’s why I love wrestling…

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL:
-Arn Anderson talks about his past, Freddie Blassie has a birthday, and LITA! Sweet Jesus! LITA! Mmm…

GUESS WHAT I FOUND? IT’S A LETTER THAT I STARTED WRITING
This week my head swells from a combination of praise and congestion. Here’s the praise part.

“Sim City 4 is a good way to control the lives of thousands while in your underwear, just like God.”
holy shit, i spit my soup all over when i read that… funniest thing i’ve read today! the rest was good too but that was priceless. keep up the good work!
-Cheryl
The official “411 WWE Confidential Recap” bibs will be on sale sometime in April.

You do good work. Thank you.
-LdBeaumont
You’re welcome.

SLEEPY DAYS AND SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
-Much like Narc was a good, if not exceptional cop movie; The Recruit is a good, if not exceptional spy thriller.
-This week’s comic picks are Avengers #63, Captain Marvel #5, Flash: Rogues TPB, Ghost In The Shell 2 #1, Legion #16, Pop Gun War #1, Ultimate War #3, Venture #1 and X-Force: Famous, Mutant, Mortal H/C.

YOUR FINGERS LOST THE CHORDS
These CDs know how to WORK it:
-Versus, Hurrah
-The Wedding Present, Singles 1989-1991
-Poster Children, RTFM
These CDs are DRIVING me crazy, as well as naming sections:
-Cinerama, Va Va Voom
-Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Are You Normal?
-The Good Life, Black Out

SO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WE LIKE YOU HAPPY
Christ, what a depressing day. I hope I didn’t sound too miserable this week. I’ll try to be back to usual by next week. Take care.