411’s WWE Smackdown Report 11.06.03

The views expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Been kind of slow this week as there’s not a hell of a lot going on. Good news for you – less BS I get to bore you with before the main event.

The MLW Saga continues. No word from anyone ion Court’s camp yet. Good news is this on their site. Bad news is that WrestleFest has been cancelled and that their venue booker has flown the coop. I sure hope the “important and encouraging information” is really good – it sounds like they need it…

Might have me yet another writing gig – this one freelancing for the local newspaper. This is a door I’ve been pounding on for years now. Needless to say, I’ll be happier than George W. getting Condeleeza doggy-style while watching replay tapes of the Iraqi Invasion if it happens.

Ah well – time to put on the big orange hat with a four foot feather and go Pimpin’:

I’ve got just one word for Matt Nute: WWHHHHOOOOOOOO!

Josh Grutman spoils Carnivale. You were warned, Mel.

Evocator Manes gives Rolling Stone what-for and does us proud.

I have to thank Brian Cole and Eric Thomas – I haven’t heard the name Laser Tron in years!

Joe Posten kicks of the Essentials with nary a Prince album to be found…

Rhett Walker brings up a good point about the P2P file sharing mess, AND he’s a Dream Theater fan. Can’t go wrong there.

And finally, who better to plug than…me, making a rare 411Music appearance here and here. I don’t have to tell you how much fun I had doing these two.

Alrighty, then – on with the Rasslin’!

SmackDown! – 110603

I wonder if I should start playing soon…
Cash 3: 845
Play 4: 7776

An add for WWE Armageddon – right in Orlando! – airs before the show. I’m there, Jack.

Show opens with the credits slightly altered. Rock and Matt Hardy are still there (?), but now Paul E and Nathan Jones are in. Still like that theme music…

And we get right to it with:

Rey Mysterio vs. John Cena
John starts with a rap denigrating Rey Rey pretty hard. Baby gags, midget jokes, even a line about being a dominatrix – you name it. And boy, is Rey in disbelief. Cena drops to both knees to give Rey a fair chance as we start. Rey does the same. Tee hee. Collar-and-elbow tie-up and both men jockey to the corner for the clean break. Rey hits a right to Cena’s gut before they do a criss-cross spot. Rey ends it by baseball sliding outside. Cena chases him out of and then around before the ring before both re-enter. Another criss-cross ends badly for Rey when he eats Cena’s shoulder. Cena goes for a powerbomb, countered in to a hurracanrana for Rey. Cena’s had enough of this – he hauls off and pops Rey one, sending him sailing outside. Cena follows him out and bounces Rey’s head off the apron before rolling him back in for 2. Right hands and a knee before Cena hits a corner whip and Rey bounces out of the corner. Damn. Cover gets 2. Cena hits a headbutt and stomps Rey down in the corner. Whip to the corner and Cena follows, but no one’s home. Rey goes up top but gets in a (very) delayed vertical suplex for 2. Cena hits the chinlock and Rey fights back to no avail as Cena stops the rally with a clubbing forearm. Love Cena on the mic, but he needs help in the ring. Cena charges Rey in the corner and eats a little boot before Rey hits the standing bulldog for 2. Rey hits a dropkick to the knee and springs off the ropes with a cross body for another 2. Springboard butt splash off the top rope gets yet another 2. Cena, realizing he’s on the defensive, murders Rey with a clothesline and drops Rey across the top rope, but Rey counters and Cena’s in position for Rey to hit the 619~! West Coast Pop Follows, but the ref is distracted enough for Cena to counter the Pop with a mid-air low blow (owitch!). Cena follows with the FU and the 3-count as Rey’s job streak continues on in fine form.

Afterward, Team Lesnar is out with Paul E, who’s in some goofy brown suede jacket and no hat. Not flattering at all. Paul slurps Cena’s butt before giving him spot #5 on Team Lesnar. Cena…declines the offer and states that no one tells him what to do. Besides, he doesn’t fit on Team Sasquatch. Hah! Speaking of sasquatches (like I’m one to talk), A-Train runs in from the crowd and gives Cena a receipt for last week. Team Lesnar joins in on the beatdown and cap it off with Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan holding Cena up so Brock Lesnar can cave his skull in with a chair. Cena is out cold as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to the back as Team lesnar approaches A-Train. A-Train doesn’t want any trouble, and he won’t get any. Paul’s impressed with Train’s initiative and offers Train spot #5 on Team Lesnar. A-Train accepts. G’damn, that’s a lot of beef on one team…

Tazz and Cole pimp the handicap match later tonight with clips of the last few weeks, including excerpts of Eddie’s killer promo from last week. Nice.

In the back (again), Chavito gives Eddie what for about winning the handicap match for everyone, but mostly for him. Man, if this is setting up with I think it’s setting up next week, won’t Eddie feel stupid? Chavito rubs in that he was the only one who stood by Eddie as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to a replay of last week’s injury of Ron Simmons before we get into:

Big Show (US Champion) vs. Bradshaw – non-title match
Michael Cole questions Simmons’s status in the Survivor Series match. No question to it, really – he’s screwed. Bradshaw runs in and we have a good ol’ fashioned slugfest to start this one off. Irish whip by Bradshaw is reversed (duh – he’s too damn big!) and Bradshaw manages to kick Show out of the ring. Bradshaw follows and racks Show’s arm across the ringpost. Right hand by Bradshaw before both men get back in. Bradshaw goes up top and fires off a shoulderblock and drops an elbow for 2. If this is meant to sound exciting, don’t be misled. Cole and Tazz are discussing the racial implications of an Irish whip, if that tells you anything. Irish whip on Show is reversed (once again – duh) and Bradshaw tastes a size 22 boot. Legdrop gets 2. Headbutt (our move of the night?) and a chop knocks Bradshaw down, falling tree-style. Bradshaw gets whipped to the corner and attempts a comeback. Show stops that with another corner whip and a charge. He eats the boots this time, however. Bradshaw hits rights and clips Show down to his size. Off the ropes and Bradshaw punches some more. Show is up and sent over the top, bouncing off of the apron in the process. Bradshaw follows and tears the foam off of the security railing before sending Show into it. Bradshaw breaks the 10 count to bring Show back in, but Show drops Bradshaw throat-first over the top rope on the way in. Show goes for another corner charge and misses that one, too. Bradshaw goes for the Clothesline From Hell~!, but Big Show stops that nonsense with the Chokeslam~! for 3. At least it was short…

In the back, Paul sexually harasses Torrie Wilson into getting it done in 3 minutes. Talk about a quickie as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit in the locker room as Angle is on the phone. He hangs up to confirm that Simmons is out of the Survivor Series. As Kurt is being a pessimist, Torrie arrives with more good news: tonight, it’s Angle and Benoit against Lesnar, Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan and A-Train, 2-on-4.

In the arena, Tazz and Cole talk about Buried Alive before we go to another Undertaker interview. ‘Taker has 13 years in WWE and Vince has messed with him the entire time. He respects no one – not the people he’s screwed (as Bret hart(!) and Steve Austin are named) nor his own family, who’s gotten worse than the superstars. ‘Taker is a firm believer in getting what’s coming to you, even Vince McMahon.

Commercial.

Back to another vignette of The Cat, complete with flunky (with an unbelievable afro) and some honeys. Rock on! Are the red shoes coming back, too? One can only wonder…

In the arena, we go to:

Eddie Gurrero vs. The Basham Brothers (WWE Tag Team Champions) – obviously non-title.
Eddie is out in a blue convertable lowrider. Shaniqua spanks the Bashams with the cat-o’-nine-tails before the match. Oooooohhh-kay…
Eddie and Doug start. Side headlock by Eddie, who’s sent to the ropes and returns with a shoulderblock. Eddie beats Doug down in the corner and gets some chops in. Off the ropes again, but Doug gets a gut buster. Questionable pumphandle attempt has Eddie questioning Doug’s sexuality. Priceless. Eddie gets chopped and returns the favor before taking a shot to the kidneys and a wicked pumphandle facebuster, putting to rest those sexuality rumors once and for all (we think). Danny gets tagged in and whoops on Eddie some before hitting a spinning side suplex for 2. Eddie answers with kicks and the Mucha Lucha armdrag takeover. Doug runs in and gets sent right back out before Eddie nails him with a pescado to the outside. Shaniqua gets her two cents in with a boot to Eddie’s grill. Eddie gets rolled back in and covered for 2 by Danny. Tag to Doug and the brothers hit a double slingshot suplex before Doug covers for another 2. Chinlock by Doug and Eddie fights back only to get bodyslammed. Danny is in to continue the chinlock (maybe this is our move of the night…?) but Eddie counters with an Ace Crusher. Eddie eats boot and the tag is made to Doug. Top rope legdrop misses and Eddie takes advantage with shoulders in the corner and a 2nd rope hurracanrana. Rights to Doug and Danny gets knocked off the apron by Eddie for shits and grins. Backdrop on Doug and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Danny for 2. Dropkick on Doug leads to the Double Mucha Lucha~! takeover on both Bashams. Rolling verticals on Doug as Eddie sets up the Frog Splash. Shaniqua attempts to stop and gets a thumb to the eye. Meanwhile, the Bashams pull the Switcheroo~! Eddie’s having none of it and, instead, grabs the cat-o’-nine-tails. Eddie nails both Bashams and the ref (!) before handing it back to Danny. Danny’s too busy explaining to the ref that he didn’t spank him to notice Eddie behind him. Eddie gets a schoolboy rollup for 3 and the shot at the champs next week. Finest bit of cheating I’ve seen all year! Chavito is out to celebrate with Eddie. Both leave in the lowrider as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Moments Ago: Eddie cheats like a mofo to win the match. During The Break, Eddie and Chavito celebrate some more.

Vince is out – alone. Huh. He says that Buried Alive hangs over him like the Sword of Damocles (and why was that left off the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack again?). Vince asks for understanding and forgiveness and for everyone to bow their heads for his own invocation. The lights go down – as does Vince, to one knee. He asks for his soul to be cleansed and his heart to be purged en route to maximum absolution. He must follow the beacon of tyranny to ultimate victory. Did someone switch Vince out with Jim Hellwig while no one was looking? He asks forgiveness not for what he has done, but what he will do. He’s been chosen by a higher power (himself?!) to vanquish his foes, slaughter the infidel, and bury the Undertaker alive. This strange segment leads straight to:

Commercial.

Back to a video of various superstars putting over the impending Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly confrontation. Like that’ll even be a friggin’ contest…!

Tajiri and Nunzio vs. Ultimo Dragon and Jamie Noble
Noble heads straight for Tajiri, forgetting this is a tag match. Nunzio nails Noble from behind and stomps on him some before hitting a side suplex. Noble fights back and gets Nunzio in their corner to tag in Ultimo. Whip and a reversal and a kick by Nunzio is caught and turned into a leg sweep by Ultimo. Ultimo kicks the snot out of Nunzio before covering for 2. Nunzio rakes the eyes and gets in a single leg takedown before tagging in Tajiri. Tajiri proceeds to show Ultimo what stiff kicks really are. Irish whip and a backdrop, but Ultimo lands on his feet and gets a sunset flip on Tajiri. Tajiri rolls through in time for Ultimo to continue the kicking contest with a boot to Tajiri’s teef. Ouch. Tilt-a-whirl and Tajiri ducks outside. Ultimo follows and is met by Yang and Sakoda. Nunzio takes the chance to drop a double axehandle on Ultimo before rolling him in. Inside, Nunzio officially tags in and chops away at Ultimo. Corner whip and an elbow by Nunzio, followed by another corner whip and a knee all before a kneedrop off the 2nd rope for 2. Tag to Tajiri and more stiffness ensues, in case Ultimo didn’t get it the first time that Tajiri rules the kicking game. Crossbody by Ultimo, but Tajiri is back up and hits a standing Buzzsaw kick~! (Owch!) on Ultimo for 2. Tag to Nunzio who gets a snapmare and a necksnap. Another tag and Tajiri whoops on Ultimo some more. Nunzio back in and the leg choke is on. Noble is in to break, but the ref sends him back to the corner. The move is broken as Nunzio places Ultimo up top for a superplex. Ultimo fires back and gets a facedrop as the Standing 10 is on! Noble and Tajiri are tagged as Noble proceeds to whoop Tajiri’s ass to total silence. Man, that sucks. Nunzio is in and sent back out, but returns to hit a tornado armbreaker on Noble. Ultimo knocks Nunzio outside for the Asai Moonsault~! Meanwhile, Noble catches Tajiri in La Magistral for 3. I get the feeling that this isn’t over yet…

Next up, it’s 4-on-2 as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to a rundown of the SmackDown portion of the Survivor Series including – just added – Tajiri vs. Noble for the Cruiserweight Title.

Brock Lesnar, Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan and A-Train vs. Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit
Team Lesnar is introduced before we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Lesnar sitting at the commentators’ table. Is he sitting this one out? Angle looks nervous; Benoit doesn’t. It’s Jones vs. Angle to start. Collar-and-elbow tie-up and Angle is shoved down. Collar-and-elbow again as Angle gets the hammerlock and a side headlock. Hopefully Jones is taking mental notes. Angle gets sent off the ropes and eats a shoulder. More stalking ensues before Angle goes for a German suplex, only to get backed into a corner and bodyslammed. There ya go, Nate – stick with what you know. Gorilla press attempt, but Angle drops out of it and dropkicks Jones in his knee before tagging Benoit. Benoit chops Jones senseless before Jones hits…another bodyslam. Jones tags in Morgan. Off the ropes and Benoit ducks a clothesline before getting tossed around the ring by Morgan regardless. Angle is tagged in and he punches away at Morgan. That proves useless as Angle gets unceremoniously sent into the corner and eats a side slam for 2. Corner charge misses so Angle can tag in Benoit. Benoit proves that forearms work on Morgan. Morgan slugs Benoit down and tags in A-Train. Train sends Benoit into the corner and works over the kidneys. Bearhug by train and Benoit fights his way out before taking an elbow. A-Train hits a sweet double underhook suplex—

As we take an unexpected commercial break.

Back to Train beating down Benoit before sending him outside near the commentator’s table. Now Lesnar gets involved and smacks Benoit around as Angle is held back by the ref. Benoit is rolled bac in for a count of 2 by Train. Lesnar, deciding to get legally involved in the match finally, tags in and gets a snap suplex. An elbow and some stomping precludes a horizontal fisherman’s suplex. Lesnar covers for 2, then does it again. Benoit fires back but catches a knee to the gut before A-Train is tagged back in. Train throws punches at Benoit in the corner, but proves he’s no Big Van Vader. Tag to Morgan who keeps up the assault in the corner with shoulderblocks. Another bearhug follows but Angle breaks it up. Train back in as he and Benoit exchange punches and chops, respectively. Benoit hits a German suplex and the Standing 10 is on! Angle and Lesnar tag in and Angle cleans house, knocking the rest of the heels off of the apron before hitting the Rolling Germans on Lesnar. Angle Slam on Morgan and Jones gets crotched. Train goes for the Bicycle kick – and hits Jones instead! Haw! Angle Slam and Ankle Lock on Lesnar as Benoit gets the Crossface on A-Train. Big Show runs down to break up the party and cause the DQ. Chokeslam for Angle and almost one for Benoit, but Bradshaw comes in to get that Clothesline From Hell he missed earlier. Morgan in with a sitout powerbomb. Cena is out with a chair to paste any heel that moves. The face turn is now complete – to no avail, as Train catches him with a sitout chokeslam. Lesnar brings in a chair and wrecks Angle, Benoit, and Cena. The heels celebrate. Replays of the chaos end the show.

Wow. Almost double the matches from last week and a bare minimum of Vince McMahon. Not a bad effort at all, but not a great one, either.

L8.

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