411’s WWE Smackdown Report 11.28.02

WWE Smackdown for November 21, 2002, from
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

Okay… I’m coming off three days of less than stellar sleep after rehearsals and technical work for the production of Picnic I’m in this weekend. Opening in just over twenty-four hours. And I can’t find my script. Stressed? Just a bit.

Because of rehearsals and such, I didn’t get to finish watching Raw until yesterday morning, in the gymnasium where we perform, with Dan and Tom. So the Raw thoughts are fresh and fragrant for you on this fine Thanksgiving Evening.

Raw…. I thought the HBK/RVD match was chugging along just fine until Triple H had to come in and cock sh!t up.

Did anyone else listen to the commentary during the Rico/Goldust match? JR and the King were talking about how Rico is (in addition to being an American Gladiators champion) a former police officer from Las Vegas who had received several commendations and had been shot three times in the line of duty. And they were making fun of him. Only in WWE folks. You’re a legitimate hero to the rest of the world, but step in the ring and you’re joke fodder for a senile hillbilly and a dirty old man.

Sean Morely- the artist formerly known as Intercontinental Champion Val Venis and stupid-damn-name haver The Big Valbowski- showed up on Raw as Eric Bischoff’s new troubleshooting “Chief of Staff” to twice restart the Chris Jericho/Christian vs. Dudley Boyz match, first after Y2J’s shoulders were down while rolling up D-Von and then when illegal man Bubba Ray Foley got the pin off a 3-D. Jericho and Christian won after Bubba tapped to the Walls following a low blow and a belt shot to the noggin. Low blow. Belt shot. Troubleshooter all over the match… you know what, kids? I’m a little tired right now, so you can just insert your own jokes here.

I really think it would have been hilarious if Morely had kept coming out and restarting the match for two hours, so that it was the only match on Raw.

The whole thing of course led to the running skit where Team Chris 2.0 had their bags stolen by the new and improved fun-lovin’ Dudleys, after Bubba calmed D-Von down by telling him he had “a plan.” Because nothing calms me down more than a pasty, tubby hick who until relatively recently stuttered every word he spoke telling me he has “a plan.”

And that led to Those Wacky Dudleys tossing Jericho and Christian’s stuff to the crowd, culminating in a jar of a product known only as “Ass Cream,” with Bubba uttering the still-funny-when-I-think-about-it line “Ass Cream?! Why do you have Ass Cream?! What exactly does one do with Ass Cream, might I ask?!” Imagine having that pop into your head while in Church- DURING A FUNERAL, mind you- and not being able to stifle your own laughter. Now imagine you’re a pale Irish giant from New York, and you’ve got my Wednesday morning.

It was especially funny because the jar Bubba Dudley was waving around looked exactly like my… er… Tom Cocozza’s jar of Ass Cream.

And my final thought on Raw…

Lance Storm.

Sharpshooter.

Oh hell yeah.

Now if I was one of those conspiracy types… but I’m not, so… still; my favorite wrestler busting out my favorite move on another of my favorites (the Hurricane; who I like for completely different reasons than Lance Storm) was an awesome moment for me.

Scott Hall’s having some trouble in his personal life apparently, most of which stems from his history of drug abuse and alcoholism. In other Kliq news, Sean Waltman- known also as the 1-2-3 Kid, Syxx, X-Pac, Syxx-Pac and Unemployed, depending on what day of the week it is- is engaged to be married to Joanie Laurer, the mutant formerly known as Chyna.

To recap; Scott Hall- problems with addiction, life spiralling out of control; Sean Waltman- marrying Chyna.

I think we know who to feel more sorry for, don’t we?

The correct answer is: the children. That’s right, the childrend. Scott Hall’s kids, for having a mother so messed up that a court of law actually granted full custody to SCOTT FRIGGIN’ HALL; and the as-yet unborn Waltman/Laurer children, for being so unspeakably ugly.

And now, on with the report…

We open with footage of Brock Lesnar on the rampage last Thursday and the eternal question: will Stephanie suspend Brock Lesnar?

The montage rolls, the pyro hits and Michael Cole welcomes us to Smackdown from.Columbia, South Carolina, and he wishes us a Happy Thanksgiving. Tonight, Scott Steiner will appear, and Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit will take on Los Guerreros, whose graphic actually says so.

Stephanie’s music hits and she comes to the ring. Cole introduces us to guest commentator Ernest “the Cat” Miller, who, having never watched WCW, I had no idea was black. He says for someone to call his mama and tell her he’s back on TV, baby.

Steph gets in the ring on the mic and talks about how bringing Brock to Smackdown was a huge coup, and how Brock defied her last week, and how she’s the boss and no one…

HERE COMES THE PAIN! Brock’s music hits and he comes to the ring. Brock gets on the mic and says that since Steph is barking orders about his career, he figures he should go out there so she can tell him face to face what she’s going to do. Steph gets all flustered and bails out, running up the ramp. Security swarms the ring, “for Brock’s protection.” Steph says “I didn’t screw Brock Lesnar; Brock Lesnar screwed Brock Lesnar.” Then she suspends him, indefinitely.

Commercial break

And we’re back, with a “Moments Ago” segment.

Brock is escorted by the cops through the parking lot. As he gets in the car, one of the cops apologizes, and Brock threatens to take his temperature the baby way with the nightstick.

Edge & Rey Mysterio vs. Matt Hardy “Version One” & John Cena (w/B-Squared) : The Cat talks about how he agrees with Brock, because it’s a “man’s world”. Cena’s got new, rap-esque music. B-Squared is of course Bull Buchannan.

Matt and Rey to start. Rey slugs away and hits a somersault clothesline but gets elbowed and legdropped. Tag to Cena. Rey ducks few clotheslines and he and Edge hit a double team dropkick off a tag I missed. Neckbreaker by Edge gets two. Cena clubs away but gets flapjacked. Matt comes in and gets speared in the corner. Edge foes for the corner spear on Cena but B-Squared pulls him away and Edge spears post, gets rolled up for two. Back elbow by Cena gets two. Tag to Matt and the heels stomp away in the corner. Whip to the corner but Edge gets the boot up. Edge charges with a clothesline but Matt hits the Side Effect for two. Matt works the neck. Edge fights out and hits a flying forearm but gets drop toeheld. Matt tags out. Cena stomps away and gets two. Edge gets whipped to the corner but gets the elbow up and hits a missile dropkick for a double KO. Cena tags out first and Matt goes for the Twist of Fate but gets faceplanted.Tag to Rey who’s in with Bombs away. Cheapshot to Cena and fancypants bulldog by Rey. Edge comes back in and they hit a sideslam/springboard lg drop combo. Rey dropkicks Matt to the second rope but B-Squared breaks up the 619. Matt tries to take out Edge but ends up on the other rope and takes the 619. Pier six schmoz that I lose track of ends when Matt counters a ‘rana with a powerbomb, holding the ropes for the pin.

Winners: Matt Hardy & John Cena by pinfall (6:40)
Stephanie McMahon walks backstage and runs into Kurt Angle. She’s all upset because the fans were booing her even though she’s bringing them Scott Steiner. Angle says that…

Okay, I’m sorry. I seriously fell asleep for like five minutes. I just had a lot of turkey. From what I understand Steph got into a whole big PMS discussion with Angle. Seriously. I woke up during an Enterprise commercial. Then Angle talks about how he loves his music even though it’s not as badass as Rock’s or Taker’s or HHH’s.

And we’re back.

Mark Lloyd is in the parking lot because Brock has supposedly returned. A limo pulls up and out comes Scott Steiner. Lloyd asks him for comments and he just flexes his bicep.

Chuck Palumbo vs. Tajiri:Tajiri immediately goes to a rear waistlock but Chuck reverses to a front headlock which Tajiri turns into a headscissors type thing. Chuck armdrags him and they do the mutual respect pause, then Tajir kicks Chck in the chops.. They go punch-kick-punch-kick a few times but then Tajiri hits a seated dropkick and goes to a chinlock of sorts. Chuck snapmares out but gets kicked. Chuck blokcs the handspring elbow with a side suplex and discus punch. Whip to the corner but Tajiri locks in the Tarantula. Chuck legsweeps him and locks in a reverse Boston Crab style submission which is apparently called the Padlock. Tajiri makes the ropes and goes up top and jumps into the setup for a belly to belly, but spits the green mist in Chuck’s face, then hits the Buzzsaw Kick to end it.

Winner: Tajiri by pinfall (3:24)

In her office, Steph primps to meet with Scott Steiner but the Fabulous Moolah shows up. She’s a Columbis native, don’t you know. Steph complains about the people there. Moolah sticks up for her hometown and Steph makes fun, then apologizes because she’s having a hard night. (Yep; nothing tougher than being a figurehead.) To make up for it, Steph gives Moolah a match, with an opponent to be named later.

Well, this does not bode well.

Commercial Break… The Raw Retrospective is of Sean Waltman pinning Razor Ramon and earning the name “1-2-3 Kid.”

And we’re back. Mark Lloyd asks a scalper if he sold a ticket to Brock and the scalper pretends he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Matt Hardy informs Paul Heyman and… grr… WWE Champion the Big Show about Brock’s suspension. Heyman schmoozes and calls him “bubbie” and tells him he loves in a platonic way. Torrie Wilson in Indian gear and Kidman shows up… Joe calls and I get distracted. Basically Torrie says she’s gonna kick Dawn Marie’s ass.

Am I the only one who wants to see a Billy Kidman/Al Wilson match? Oh… I am. Okay.

Commercial Break…

And we’re back.

Ernest “the Cat” Miller dances in the ring for the “Pilgrim Fashion Show.” Torrie comes down as an Indian. Dawn comes down as a pilgrim and then some guy in a turkey suit comes down. He takes off the head and it’s Al Wilson. He gets on the mic and Cole screams “AHHHHHHH! HELP!”

Okay… time out. I’ve figured this whole storyline out. Since Raw is so bad, and Smackdown is so good, they’ve concocted this incredibly shitty storyline to counteract the consistently awesome wrestling. Then they gave the title to the Big Show to further the parity between the two shows.

Oh yeah… Torrie hits Dawn with some pie and crap and… walks away or… something.

Commercial break

Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Eddie and Chavo Guerrero:They argue over who will start and decide on Eddie and Benoit. Angle hugs Benoit and slaps him on the ass, then Eddie tags out and we get Benoit/Chavo to start. Armdrag by Benoit. Chavo’s gone to a full beard by the way. Lockup and Benoit goes to a side headlock. Shoulderblock and tilt a whirl backbreakers for both Guerreros. Angle tags himself in and Cahvo tags Eddie. Eddie to a rear waistlock. Angle reverses to a front headlock but Eddie gets s side headlock.and shoulderblock. Powerslams for both heels by Angle. Angle hits a German suplex on Eddie and Benoit hits one on Chavo, then they hit them at the same time after arguing. Eddie and Chavo go to leave and the ref starts counting as Benoit and Angle argue. Eddie and Chavo count along with the ref until he tells the announcer to announce that.the match cannot end by count-out.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Eddie and Chavo Guerrero: Eddie goes to an abdominal stretch on Benoit as we come back. Benoit snapmares out and chops away but gets plnated. Tag to Chavo. Snapmare by Eddie and double dropkick get two. Benoit moves on a dropkick and Chavo hits Eddie instead. Benoit grabs the Crossface, broken up by Eddie. Eddie come sin, goes to headlock but Benoit backdrops out but gets clotheslined from the outside by Chavo. Eddie and Chavo continue to doubel team as the crowd calls for Angle. Benoit finally gets out with a back body drop to Eddie and suplex to Chavo. Tag to Angle and he’s an Olympian of fire. Back body drop to Eddie, German to Chavo, belly to belly to Eddie get two. Bling tag and Benoithits a Germna on Chavo, ten one on Eddie. Swandive headbutt gets two. Schmoz and Eddie hits a low blow and DDT on Angle but misses the frog splash and gets Angle Slammed, then an Angle Slam for Chavo. Ref gets bumped as Eddie taps on the Crossface, Ankle lock combo. Cahvo comes in a dropkciks Benoit and hits a frog splash of his own and rolls Eddie into the cover. But it only gets two. Eddie goes for the frog splash but Angle belly-to-belly superplexes him off. Chavo nails Benoit with a belt and clears Angle out while Eddie covers for the win.

Winners, and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions: Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero by pinfall (16:39)

Backstage, Jamie Noble introduces Scott Steirner to Nidia. Steiner doesn’t say anything, just slaps Nidia on the ass and walks off. Noble flips out and heads to the ring. Nidia’s white t-shirt read “You Should See This Wet.” Ha ha.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Jamie Noble and Nidia are in the ring and Noble is calling Steiner out, saying that he’s the only Big Bad Booty Daddy in Nidia’s life. “HOLLER IF YOU HEAR ME!” Steiner comes to the ring and takes his shirt off, showing off to Nidia. Noble takes his shirt off and poses, then gets clotheslined. Steiner flexed then drops an elbow and does some push ups, then hits a gorilla press and belly to belly suplex. He slaps Nidia’s tuchus again as she goes to check on Noble. Steiner on the mic, says that everyone’s asking which show he’s gonna join. Last Monday, Chris Jericho found out and tonight that redneck found out that he’s still the Genetic Freak and he’s flexing his peaks and pleasing his freaks and Boom Shaka Laka and Big Poppa Pump is your hook up, holler if you hear me!

What a loon. Go to Raw, Scott. I can’t handle your promos every week.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Steph is on the phone, telling someone to get Steiner on Smackdown. Heyman comes in and says that Show is willing to waive the no-rematch clause and defend his title against Brcok tonight. Steph says that Show will defend his title against an opponent of championship proportions.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman vs. Crash: Crash shoves Kidman but gets armdragged and headscissored. Crash gets tossed but hits an elbow from the outside. He slignshots in with his feet on the ropes for two. Scoop slam gets two. Whip to the corner and Crash stomps a mudhole. Fireman’s carry/neckbreaker and Kidman goes up top but Crash rolls through the cross body fro two. Kidman floats out a bakcrop and hits a back elbow, then a Manhattan drop. Kidman dropkcik gets two. Crash counters a headscissors with a faceplant. Crash hits a bulldog from the top for two. Kidman counters a powerbomb with the Rydien bomb and hits the Shooting Star Press for the win.

Winner, and STILL WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Billy Kidman by pinfall (3:48)

Up next we get… dear god… the Fabulous Moolah vs. the Big Show.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

WWE Hall of Famer (apparently) The Fabulous Moolah vs WWE Champion The Big Show (w/Paul Heyman): Lockup to start. Moolah goes to a hammerlock, countered to a side headlock by the Big Show. Moolah fights out and shoulderblocks him down for two. Armdrag by the Big Show. Then another. Dropkick by Show gets two. Whip to the corner and monkey flip by Moolah. Moolah locks in a figure four but Show makes the ropes and hits an overhead belly to belly suplex, then goes up top. Frog splash gets two for Show. Moolah hits a cross body that only gets two..

Oh. Wait.

Moolah hides behind the ref while Heyman assures her that he’s not going to hurt her. Heyman says he’s always been a fan of hers and that she’s a legend. He talks about how big the Big Show is and how much he respects her. Show’s only out there to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” Show shvoes the ref aside and gets Moolah by the throat.

If Big Show chokeslams that 79 year old woman I will pull a Grutman and fly to Miami or wherever the hell he’s from to…

Okay, here’s Lesnar.to F5 Show through the Spanish announce table. Heyman runs and Brock chases him, but Steph appears at the top of the ramp with the cops from before.

Thanks for reading. See you next week. Happy Thanksgiving.