411’s WWE Velocity Report 05.01.04

Howdy, folks. Welcome to- no, wait, this isn’t simply another episode of WWE Velocity- it’s a super special big time episode! We’ve got great in ring action AND legitimate uppercarders tonight! One of ‘em’s Bradshaw, but you can’t have everything. And best of all, MORE JINDRAK! Let’s get to it. But first… SCOTT FACTS!

Scott Fact #1:

Scott Fact #2:

Let’s go!

Our hosts are Josh Mathews and Bill DeMott.

Someone has a sign that says “I paid 2 C John Cena in OKC”. Good thing you showed up early.

John Cena versus Akio

Cena starts off by channeling the spirit of Jay Billington Bulworth- he’s a spirit, not a ghost, by the way. Cena pretends he’s happy to be on Velocity, and says that whoever has the best Cena sign gets a free Barry Sanders jersey. He gives it to a chick with a sign that says “my other sign is in the shop.” Alright, I don’t appreciate being confused before the first match even starts. Akio comes out, accompanied by Velocity Heavyweight Champion Sakoda. Akio runs in and beats down Cena quickly with kicks, stomps, and a standing moonsault. Cena turns the tide with a whip reversal, but Sakoda pulls the rope down when Cena bounces off, sending the U.S. Champion over the top. Akio goes back to the offensive and tosses Cena in the ring, then chokes him on the ropes and kicks him in the corner. Cena turns the tide with a clothesline and a side suplex, and follows up with the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He pumps up his pumps, lifts Akio up for the F-U, kicks Sakoda, who had attempted to interfere, and delivers the F-U, scoring the win. Post match, Cena throws Deez Nuts at Kyo Dai. Well, not “Deez Nuts” to me. I guess I’d have to say “Doze Nuts.”

Winner: John Cena
Match Time: 1:59
Rating: *1/2
Commentary: As short as it was, it was pretty exciting. I guess it was the effect of the hot crowd. Velocity crowds are usually pretty hot, because they’ve just sat around for an hour waiting for the show to start and watching Matt Morgan squash Nova in a dark match, and here, Cena made them all the more excited.

Teddy Long is in the ring when we get back from a commercial. He tells everyone to stand up for the shittiest Natural Born Thriller (and yes, I remember Reno). Mark Blucas, er, Jindrak enters and poses in the mirror. This isn’t going anywhere, because Jindrak has no charisma.

Mark Jindrak versus Shannon Moore

Lockup to start, and Jindrak throws Moore to the corner. He delivers some elbows whips Moore across the ring, and throws him over the top. HOLY SHIT! I just realized that Shannon got a haircut! Jindrak hiptosses Moore into the corner, holds him up for a burning hammer, which I guess is supposed to be a modified Torture Rack. Jindrak throws him around, then gives him his finisher, called “The Mark of Excellence,” for the win.

Winner: Mark Jindrak
Match Time: 1:55
Rating: *
Commentary: Moore’s haircut was the most memorable part of this match. Oh, and they named Jindrak’s finisher, which always makes things more convenient for me.

Jamie Noble versus Rey Mysterio, Jr.

Lockup to start, with Noble getting a waistlock. He takes Rey down and covers, but Rey kicks out and holds the leg. He takes Noble down, but Noble reverses into a chinlock. Rey, however, grabs a hammerlock. He wrenches the arm of Noble, but Noble rolls out of the armlock and suplexes Rey over, then gets his own armlock. Bridge sequence by Rey, and Rey jumps onto Noble’s shoulders knees-first, and hurricanranas Noble. Noble grabs a wristlock, but Rey rolls out. Noble chops Rey, then whips him, but Rey slides under Noble’s legs, slides around a lot, and eventually gets a Lionsault for two. Rey applies a headlock. Noble tries a back suplex, but Rey takes him over. Noble pushes Rey off, and takes him down with a running forearm. INSANE wrist kick by Noble from the mat, and Noble sends Rey to the corner as we go to commercial. When we get back, Noble is stomping on Rey. He lifts Rey up, flips him over, legdrops his arm, and applies an armlock, which he turns into a top wristlock. Rey punches his way out, and rolls up Noble for two. Noble smashes into Rey, throws him to the corner, and dropkicks him against the turnbuckle for two. Legdrop by Noble, followed by a reverse hammerlock. Rey punches his way out, and tilt-a-whirls into an armlock. Noble gets up and throws Rey into the corner, then applies a hammerlock, but Rey snapmares Noble into the corner. Rey fires off numerous kicks to Noble’s chest, then goes to the second rope and springs off with a hurricanrana. He hits a spinning leg lariat, and reverses a pancake to a dropkick. Noble’s down in the corner, and Rey hits a sliding dropkick to Noble’s gut. Rey goes up top and hits a split legged-moonsault for two. Noble reverses a Rey whip, but Rey springboards into a crossbody. Noble, however, catches the arm and applies an armbar. Rey gets his foot to the rope, forcing a break. Rey goes to the apron and tries for a sunset flip, but Noble catches him and turns it into a Northern Lights Suplex for two. They trade kicks, and Noble lifts up Rey for a Tiger Driver, but Rey hurricanranas into 619 position. He hits the 619, then Drops the Dime for the win.

Winner: Rey Mysterio, Jr.
Match Time: 15:23 (including commercial)
Rating: ***1/2
Commentary: Terrific match, one of the best I’ve ever seen on Velocity. Someday, I should cut a paste a list of the top five or ten Velocity matches I’ve reviewed. Maybe on my one-year anniversary.

On Smackdown, Eddie Guerrero wrestled Bubba Ray Dudley. Remember when Taz wrestled Bubba Ray at Hardcore Heaven 1999, but it was essentially a handicap match? No jokes here, that was just cool, is all.

Funaki versus John Bradshaw Layfield

Well, at least we got one match that wasn’t a squash. Bradshaw grabs Funaki and pushes him to the corner, then beats him down and gets a big boot. Back to the corner, with a chop and some kicks. He sends Funaki out of the ring, then slams him on the steps. JBL sends Funaki into some ringside chairs, and then whips him into the steps. He follows up with an elbow drop, and then sends Funaki back into the ring. Bradshaw punches Funaki down, gets some elbow drops, and tosses him out of the ring again. He whips Funaki into the rail of pain, then sends him back in the ring. Funaki’s bleeding now, and Bradshaw keeps punching him in the forehead. Bradshaw powerbombs Funaki, but punches him some more rather than making the cover. Short Arm Clothesline from Hell (which I though of BEFORE Josh said it), then the regular version for three. The announcers are disgusted.

Winner: John Bradshaw Layfield
Match Time: 3:31
Rating: *1/4
Commentary: Another star made by Funaki.

Well, that’s all for this week. A good show, all things considered. E-mail me at [email protected]. Till next week, bye.