411’s WWE Velocity Report 05.17.03

HOW LONG?
This is something of a milestone episode here, big number fifty-two. Who’d have thought that both the show and I would have lasted this long? Steve Brey wishes I hadn’t! Nonetheless, it’s a short and oh, so sweet report this week. Anthrax, Motorhead, King’s X and Fishbone, as well as a full day of teaching at Dunbar Vocational Academy for Mayor Daley’s Book Club have taken their toll.

VELOCITY #52
It’s Judgment Day for Velocity as Josh Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller choose to ignore most of tonight’s in-ring action in favor of hyping the pay-per-view. And it’s no less than we’ve come to expect from our WWE announcers.

Here’s that Judgment Day PPV line-up:

WWE Title Stretcher Match
Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show

World Heavyweight Title Match
Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Kevin Nash (w/ Shawn Michaels)

WWE Tag Team Titles Ladder Match
Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros

WWE Intercontinental Title Battle Royal
Participants: Chris Jericho, Christian, Booker T, Test, Kane, Rob Van Dam, Goldust, Lance Storm

WWE Women’s Title Match
Jazz vs. Trish Stratus vs. Victoria vs. Jacqueline

Bikini Contest
Sable vs. Torrie Wilson

Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper

Chris Benoit, Spanky, & Rhyno vs. Chuck Palumbo, Johnny Stamboli, & John Cena

Test & Scott Steiner vs. La Resistance

VELOCITY SPOILERS
Short on time? Want to know what happened at the Velocity tapings in as little detail as possible? This is for you!

– Spanky def Crash Holly
– Rhyno def Bill Demott
– A-Train def Kanyon
– Chavo Guerrero & JR Rider went to a no-contest in 74 seconds….The match ended when Chavo held onto his arm and couldn’t continue. Apparently, either one of two things happened. Either he legitimately injured his arm, or something may happen on SmackDown tonight to Los Guerreros in an angle where Chavo’s arm is injured. We’ll have to wait and see.

MATCH #1: CRASH (w/ SHANNON MOORE) v. SPANKY
Referee: Brian Hebner

Crash holds onto the Book of Mattitude as the Bible that it is. Spanky and Crash face off. Headlock by Crash, reverting to type. Spanky tries to send him off the ropes but Crash keeps the headlock on tight. Nice job with the opening move rest hold, fellas. Spanky shoots Crash to the ropes successfully this time. Crash comes back with a shoulder block. Crash goes back to the ropes and rolls over Spanky’s back. Arm drag by Crash. Crash tries for it again, but Spanky spins out of the way. Deep arm drag by Spanky. And another, into an armbar. Crash works to his feet but Spanky has the arm bar locked in tight. Crash tries to spin away and makes it to the ropes to break the hold. Collar and elbow tie up. Knee to the gut by Crash followed by pounding on the back. Face to the turnbuckle by Crash and stomping in the corner. Reversed whip to the opposite corner by Spanky. Crash flips over the turnbuckle, out of the way of a charging Spanky. Spanky elbows Crash off the apron. Spanky dives off the apron but Crash lands a drop kick to the gut. Back in the ring Crash gets a 2-count. Back suplex by Crash followed by head punches. Crash repeatedly rams Spanky into the corner. Rear chin lock by Crash. Spanky elbows out but Crash throws him down by his hair. They trade forearms to the head in the corner. Irish whip by Crash. Spanky ducks a clothesline and comes back with a flying elbow. Whip by Spanky into a drop kick. Back body drop by Spanky. Sidekick by Spanky. Next Spanky does a climb-up enziguri. 2-count on Crash. Spanky runs Crash to the corner and charges. Crash gets an elbow up. Dr. Teeth by Spanky. For the record that’s an under hook reverse neck-breaker that rams the opponent’s face into his knee. Cover by Spanky but Shannon puts Crash’s foot on the ropes. Crash argues with Jimmy K. Spanky ducks a clothesline and hits Sliced Bread #2.

WINNER: Brian Kendrick (4:56)

MATCH #2: BILL DeMOTT v. RHYNO
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris

Rhyno charges the ring. Bill DeMott misses a clothesline. Three chops in the corner by Rhyno. Whip across the ring and Rhyno charges. Back elbow by DeMott. Whip attempt by DeMott into a short-arm clothesline from Rhyno. Stomps by Rhyno. We’re only 22 seconds into the match… Many more stomps by Rhyno and the crowd seems to love him. Belly-to-belly suplex by Rhyno. Rhyno goes for the Gore. DeMott dodges it. Side Russian leg sweep by DeMott into a cover for a 2-count. Clothesline by DeMott. Elbow drop by DeMott. Another elbow drop by DeMott. Punches in the corner by DeMott. Second rope bulldog by DeMott for a 2-count. Knees and stomps by DeMott. Across the ring baseball slide by DeMott, sending Rhyno into the ring post. 2-count on Rhyno. Snap mare by DeMott into a rear chin lock. Rhyno works to his feet and elbows out. DeMott pulls Rhyno down by his hair. Elbow drop by DeMott and he climbs the ropes. Moonsault by DeMott but he misses. Both men are down and Brian starts to count. He gets to 9 before both men get back up. Rhyno blocks a punch and hits his own. And again. Two more punches by Rhyno. Reversed whip by DeMott. Clothesline by Rhyno. And another and another. Whip by Rhyno into a spine buster. Gore! Gore! Gore!

WINNER: Rhyno (4:45)

MATCH #3: KANYON v. A-TRAIN
Referee: Mike Chioda

And we open with a stare down from across the ring. Kanyon encourages a “Shave Your Back” chant. A-Train tries for a lock-up but Kanyon backs off and calls for more crowd chanting. They finally lock up fifty seconds into the match. A-Train forces Kanyon into the corner and then misses with a big punch. Another lock up. Headlock by Kanyon. A-Train sends Kanyon to the ropes and comes back with a shoulder block. Kanyon stays on his feet. Shoulder block by Kanyon and A-Train stays on HIS feet. Kanyon ducks a clothesline, hits four punches and an Irish whip. A-Train comes back with a stiffer shoulder block and this time Kanyon goes down. A-Train charges. Back elbow by Kanyon. Punches in the corner by Kanyon. Reversed whip by A-Train. Clothesline by Kanyon and A-Train goes down. 1-count by Kanyon. Rear chin lock by Kanyon. A-Train fights to his feet. Battering ram in the corner by A-Train. Manhandling in the corner by A-Train. Short arm clothesline by A-Train. Vader splash from the second rope by A-Train for a 2-count. Scoop slam by A-Train and a big splash for a 2-count. Three punches by Kanyon. Bear hug by A-Train. Ear claps by Kanyon to escape. Kanyon hits the ropes but A-Train hits a back elbow. Rear chin lock by A-Train with a knee in the back. Kanyon powers up and hits back body drop. Three punches and a whip to the ropes by Kanyon. Kick to the gut by A-Train and he goes back to the ropes. Pancake by Kanyon. 2-count by Kanyon. I can’t believe this match has lasted over five minutes… Derailer by A-Train but he’s slow with his cover so Kanyon is able to kick out. Stomps by A-Train. Power slam by Kanyon and he climbs the ropes. A-Train knocks the ropes and Kanyon falls off, onto his head. Big bicycle kick by A-Train for the pin.

WINNER: Albert (5:11)

-360 JAKKED
For the last time, last year this week…
1. Test & Christian beat Faarooq & Mark Henry when Godfather hit Faarooq with his cane, allowing Test to land a big boot.
2. Billy Kidman beat Chavo Guerrero with an X-Factor.
3. Godfather beat Funaki with a back breaker.
4. Albert beat Hugh Morrus with a big boot.
Also in the WWE, we were preparing for Judgment Day; HHH and Y2J were feuding, as were Hulk Hogan and the Undertaker. And Davey Boy Smith had just died. Scoot over, pal, you need to make room there…

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
W. Dal Bush is back and taking the reigns of Confidential once again. Go read him and tell him how much you missed him last week.

AN HONORARY GUERRERO
In tribute to the injured Chavo this week, wounded at this very Velocity taping, I have dubbed myself an honorary Guerrero for this report. In what way, you ask? See those match recaps you just read? They’re all fake. The matches took place, and the times and victors noted are all correct, but the actual match details are made up. Right there is lying and cheating. As for stealing, well I stole the matches from previous Velocity episodes and simply changed the names of the participants, but never more than one change each; thus all three Guerrero categories are fulfilled. I could go on to tell you about VCR recording mishaps and lost tapes, but I just lied to you for a full report; would you start believing me now?

BANG THE GAVEL
Judgment Day is upon us all. Prepare to be judged. Next week more Velocity and probably actual matches! No promises…