Cook’s WWE WrestleMania 38 Night Two Review

Hey kids! It’s Steve Cook here with you one more time as we’ve reached the end of our WrestleMania Weekend orgy of professional wrestling. I hope it’s been as good for you as it’s been for me, if not better.

Thanks to all of you that have been with me from AAA Thursday to ROH Friday and then WrestleMania Saturday & Sunday. I must admit that I feel relieved. I’ve actually enjoyed each show I’ve reviewed this weekend leading into tonight. That sure beats the alternative of being disgusted with everything I’ve seen. Here’s hoping the trend continues tonight!

Cook’s WrestleMania 38 Night Two Review

We start with Jessie James Decker singing America the Beautiful. I said she should do the pre-event singing for everything after seeing her on some event. Some of that was because of her voice. Most of it had to do with…well, you know.

It’s time to play the game, and Triple H is here to drink some water, spit it out and soak in the cheers of the crowd. He embraces his daughters on one side of the front row & Gable Steveson on the other side. He welcomes us to WrestleMania and leaves his boots in the middle of the ring, signifying the retirement of The Game. Well, I’m sure they’ll still play the song when Triple H comes out, but you know what I mean.

Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton are your Raw match announcers. Saxton seems to have recovered well from last night.

Raw Tag Team Championship Match: Randy Orton & Riddle (c) vs. Angelo Dawkins & Montez Ford vs. Chad Gable & Otis: Graves calls the Street Profits dark horses to win here, and I’m sure nobody will take that the wrong way. Gable shooshs his opponents and Ford & Riddle kick him in the head. Yeah, I’m not a fan of the rules here. Three legal men in a tag team match? Not like it matters, all six men are fighting anyway. Montez does a swan dive over the ringpost onto everybody except Gable, then Gable does a moonsault onto everybody. Back in the ring, and Otis & Gable hit a nice clothesline/suplex combo. This crowd needs to shoosh is what I’m saying. Otis is doing it for the Academy instead of her these days, and takes things to Riddle with a big splash. Gable in with a Northern Lights suplex for two. Riddle just can’t get to the RK-Bro corner. Ford comes in to take a move before Dawkins tags in and starts suplexing people. An attempted cover results in an Otis splash though. Otis misses Riddle in the corner, but Gable’s right in with an ankle lock. Riddle escapes, then he hits the Bro to Sleep on Dawkins and finally tags in Orton. Clothelines and a powerslam for Ford. Draping DDT gets blocked, but Ford & Gable end up getting suplexed on the announce table. Those things are stiffer than they used to be. Double draping DDT on the Street Profits. They set up for a double RKO, but Gable & Otis break that up. Steiner-style bulldog on Ford gets a 2 count for the Alphas. Otis & Riddle get dumped to the floor and Gable is left with the Street Profits. Super blockbuster gets a 2 count. Fans think it’s awesome! Riddle coming back for a second before getting dumped on the floor. RKO is shrugged off by Dawkins, who dives to the outside while Ford goes up top. Riddle joins him and RKOs him off the top rope. Ford rolls out of the ring on impact, but Orton RKOs a jumping Gable for the three count.

Winners: Randy Orton & Riddle (12 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **3/4

This is one of those times where I’m out of step with the WWE Universe. I’m over the whole RKO OUTTA NOWHERE thing, but the people are not. You gotta give the people what they want, so I get it. The Street Profits offer some solo cups to RK-Bro, then offer one to Gable Steveson as well. Is he old enough to partake in this? Doesn’t matter, as Chad Gable knocks the cup out of Steveson’s hands. Steveson yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands. Chad tells him to shoosh, but Steveson suplexes Chad instead of shooshing. Vince McMahon is going to change one of these guys’ names by tomorrow night, I guarantee you that. The solo cups are consumed in celebration. Not sure if I’d have Steveson doing that right off the bat and invite people to bring up past activity, but I don’t make these decisions.

(I only noticed the cut on Orton’s eyebrow after the match, so I can only assume that Chad Gable smacked the solo cup into Orton’s face somehow. I’m sure this is wrong, but it’s a funny thought.)

Bobby Lashley vs. Omos: Time constraints hopefully won’t come into play tonight, but one way to make sure they don’t would be to keep this as short as possible. Like, the match should be shorter than the entrances is what I’m saying here. Lashley has a longish entrance, so it shouldn’t be too difficult. Omos catches a kick and smacks Lashley down a couple of times. Omos misses a kick, but blocks a suplex. Smashes Lashley with his knee and applies the Iron Claw. Lashley breaks it, but Omos smacks him down. Lashley with the slap, Omos boots him down. Some strikes in the corner. Omos didn’t quite hit all of Lashley with that one, and misses the second time. Lashley with some clubbing blows, and he goes for the Hurt Lock. Omos blocks and clotheslines Lashley. Omos tosses Lashley over the top rope. Lashley jumps to the apron and hits Omos away from the ropes. Omos catches Lashley on a bodypress and gorilla presses him down. Bear hug by Omos! He drives Lashley into the corner, bouncing Lashley’s head off the ringpost. Ouch! Back to the bearhug! Lashley breaks it and hits some strikes. Omos misses in the corner. Lashley going for that suplex again, but it’s blocked. This time? There it is. Spear to the kidneys of Omos and there’s a full spear for three.

Winner: Bobby Lashley (7 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: *3/4

Lashley was the right choice to end Omos’ win streak. Puts the All Mighty right back in championship contention and much better matches. I can dig that.

Michael Cole & Pat McAfee call the SmackDown matches.

Anything Goes Match: Johnny Knoxville vs. Sami Zayn: Zayn with a Helluva kick right away. He tosses Knoxville into the barricade right in front of the Jackass crew. I’m sure they won’t get involved. Sami smacks one of them, then walks into a fire extinguisher spray. Johnny gets some stuff out from under the ring, including a stop sign! Sami opts for the cookie sheet, smashing it onver Johnny’s back. The crutch comes into play next, and Sami’s play acting with these weapons like he’s New Jack. Garbage can tossed into Knoxville in the corner and Sami covers for two. Pat claims that nobody from the 70s is watching this show. Has he seen the demos? Sami drags a table full of mouse traps out from under the ring. Who’s booking this, Zandig? Knoxville uses the garbage can lids as cymbals on the head of Zayn, then takes the stop sign to his back. Sami explodes Johnny through a table and gets a two count. Ehhhh, not sure I buy that one. Sami gets his ears aggravated with the air horn, but he’s still on offense as Party Boy enters the ring. One of the Jackass crew, I presume. He’s dancing around and removing his clothing. Grinding all over Sami! Sami smacks him down, stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry. Knoxville rolls Zayn up for two. Zayn rolls the Party Boy under the ring, then looks under the ring and finds Wee Man! He’s beating the crap out of Sami. Kick to the kneecap, then a slam! Looked more like a hip toss to me, but whatevs. Knoxville with the tornado DDT and a two count. Wee Man sets up the mouse trap table and puts something with an artificial leg attached to it in the ring. Sami kicks Wee Man down to the dismay of the crowd, but the guy knew what he was getting into. Sami climbs up top, but Knoxville has the power to set off pyro from the ringpost, and Sami gets crotched. Now it’s time for the ol’ bowling ball to the nads. Shades of Al Snow! There’s the artificial leg to the groin. Johnny’s got a electronic device now, and he’s gonna zap Sami with it. Sami gets smacked by a giant hand. Once Mark Henry saw this he stole the show:

All I do is produce generational talent 🤴🏿#Wrestlemania pic.twitter.com/9Aqjqo3giP

— TheMarkHenry (@TheMarkHenry) April 4, 2022

Now back to business in the ring, and Sami suplexes Johnny. Dunno why he still wants to climb the ropes, but he does anyway. Tazer to the groin, and Sami is tossed through the mouse trap table. The Jackass folks bring out a giant mousetrap. Tazer again, and Sami gets stuck in the mousetrap. There’s the cover and the three count.

Winner: Johnny Knoxville (14 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **3/4

Having not watched Jackass since 1998, I am not the target audience for this. I know, I know, I’m no fun and should hate myself for not loving the hell out of this match. Listen, I got plenty of other reasons to hate myself besides my wrestling opinions. The crowd enjoyed it and Sami did his thing very well, so I’m not totally burying it. Gotta give Zayn credit for being great even if I’m old and not with all the gaga. I am looking forward to hearing the opinions of some of my fellow old farts on this one.

WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match: Queen Zelina & Carmella (c) vs. Sasha Banks & Naomi vs. Rhea Ripley & Liv Morgan vs. Natalya & Shayna Baszler: OK, I gotta give Sasha the edge over Becky Lynch when it comes to entrance automobiles. We start with Rhea & Zelina, so Zelina immediately tags Carmella. Carmella immediately tags Sasha. I’m good with this as Sasha & Rhea are pretty talented wrestlers. Rhea gets the upperhand, so Liv tags in. Things break down on the outside with people getting attacked, Sasha & Liv dive onto piles on the opposite side of the ring and get to the wrestling. Liv with a couple of modified codebreakers, then Oblivion. Natalya tags in and briefly works over Liv before tagging Shayna. Shayna considers covering but knows three people are about to break it up so she doesn’t. She targets the ankle of Morgan. Carmella tags in to try and take advantage of Liv’s weakened state, Zelina tags in and hits the Code Red for two. Rhea breaks that up, and now it’s time for the strike chain. Rhea goes up top, Carmella goes for the rana, and gets it. Zelina moonsaults Rhea on the floor. Sasha & Naomi hit a double Eat Defeat on Liv. They go up top in opposite corners, but that gets broken up. Liv & Rhea end up on the bottom of double Towers of Doom. Double Riptide on Naomi gets a two count. Rhea sent into the ring post, and Natalya & Shayna hit a double team for two. Liv all over Shayna. Shayna plants her on the canvas. Hart Attack is broken up, and Carmella & Naomi are left in the ring. Zelina hits Naomi on the ropes, Superkick from Carmella gets a two count. Naomi with a kick, tag to Sasha, she goes up top and hits the frog splash! Only two, but Sasha goes for the Bank Statement. Zelina yanks Carmella out of that. Sasha hits the Meteora on Zelina. Carmella vs. Sasha & Naomi now, and they hit an assisted codebreaker on Carmella for the three count!

Winners: Sasha Banks & Naomi (11 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **1/2

This went a little too fast at times and not everything looked amazing, but they still pulled off some big spots. Sasha & Naomi winning is a feel-good moment too, so you like to see that. You also like to see Sasha finally winning a WrestleMania match too. Girl deserves that much.

Edge vs. AJ Styles: AJ’s already busted open on the side of his face for some reason, I can only assume he pulled a Goldberg and smashed his face against the locker. I haven’t been the biggest fan of the build here, but both these guys know how to wrestle so I think it’ll be ok. Some lockups to start, then a headlock by Edge. Styles hits his trademark dropkick and a couple of arm drags. Styles with the headlock, Edge goes for a spear early, AJ evades and we’re getting a very cautious start. AJ hits the first big move, sending Edge into the ringsteps with his knee. My stream oddly freezes, we return and Edge is working over Styles. Apparently Styles missed a 450 and that’s how Edge got the advantage. He locks in the dreaded abdominal stretch. Not sure what Gorilla Monsoon would say about the application, but Styles hip tosses out of it. He dragon screws Edge. Edge comes back with a shoulderbreaker, but he used his bad knee on that one. Edge stomps Styles down, but Styles still has some fight and lands a wild right. Styles rushes towards Edge, Edge moves and sends Styles into the turnbuckle. Edge tries a vertical suplex, Styles reverses and sends Edge into the corner. Styles mounts Edge and punches away. Styles pulls Edge up and Edge goes back to that shoulder. Bow & arrow, Styles fights out, Edge dodges the Pele, blocks the Styles Clash and locks in the STF. Close to the ropes though, and not even a quick transition to the Crossface can keep AJ from making the ropes. Styles dodges a spear and hits a vaulting DDT. Styles goes up top, but Edge meets him up there. Styles goes for the sunset flip powerbomb, Edge blocks that, but can’t block the torture rack into the powerbomb for two. Edgeicution DDT gets the two count. Styles hits a snap German, both men stay down for awhile, but meet each other for a strike exchange on their knees. Styles with some headbutts, Edge with a big kick but Styles with the Pele. AJ tries to lock in the calf crusher, but can’t quite get it. Edge transitions over to the Crossface, and that shoulder’s at an odd angle. AJ makes it out. Edge hits the slingshot powerbomb for two. If Dax Harwood can’t finish people with that move, neither can Edge. They walk down the apron, then Edge places AJ on top, AJ breaks that up, and now they’re trying to suplex each other to the floor. Or the apron, as that’s where Edge & AJ end up. Styles hits the springboard 450 to Edge’s back, rolls him over for the two count. Styles goes for the Phenomenal Forearm. Edge evades, AJ ducks the spear and hits the Styles Clash for a two count. AJ goes back to the apron, sets up for the Phenomenal Forearm, but a random Damian Priest appears at ringside. The distraction enables Edge to raise up in the middle of the forearm and spear Styles for the three count.

Winner: Edge (24 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **3/4

Edge & Damian laugh and pose together. The women’s tag felt rushed, this one felt the exact opposite of rushed. I sent a text to somebody about South Carolina winning the women’s basketball championship and they asked if I’d watched that whole game between Edge & AJ’s moves. Kinda felt like it.

Byron Saxton joins Cole on commentary since Pat has to get ready to make his entrance and rassle.

Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods vs. Sheamus & Ridge Holland (w/Butch): Kofi & Xavier wearing Big E-inspired attire for the evening. I get the feeling this one will move pretty briskly! Kofi & Ridge start, Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise right now and Sheamus has to break up the count. Sheamus has to hold Butch off to keep them from getting DQed! Meanwhile, Xavier & Kofi double team Ridge. Xavier hits a snap STO. Kofi jumps into a Brogue kick on the floor! Xavier superkicks Ridge down. Butch distracts the referee while Sheamus Brogue kicks Kofi. Ridge hits the Northern Grit for the three count.

Winners: Sheamus & Ridge Holland (2 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: Pretty squashy

Well, at least they got on the show tonight. Would have been a shame if Kofi & Xavier had to pose with their Big E gear backstage. That Butch is one crazy fella, he’s trying to snatch Xavier’s weave!

The Hall of Fame Class of 2022 gets another shoutout so Undertaker can do his entrance again.

Pat McAfee vs. Austin Theory: Mr. McMahon makes his entrance, so there’s still a chance he can wrestle in this match like the dirtsheets told me he would. He introduces Austin Theory and takes a selfie with him. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders perform for McAfee’s entrance, maybe Theory will take selfies with them later. Pat’s punt goes wide left. He dominates Theory early with some strikes, but it doesn’t take long for Theory to get the upper hand. Up & over by Pat, then a spinning elbow. Nearfall, but Pat gets his back broken and Austin punches away. Vertical suplex by Theory. There’s another one. McAfee blocks the third and hits one of his own. He sends Theory off the apron and into the announce table. Pat gets on the headset and talks about his kids watching him beat the hell out of a douchebag. Back in the ring, Pat goes up top and misses the Swanton. Theory hits a spinning side suplex for two. Now he’ll go up to the top rope and probably miss something. No, he doesn’t even get that far, as Pat meets him up there. McAfee goes for the superplex, Theory shrugs him off but Pat moonsaults and lands on his feet. He leaps back up to the top and hits the superplex! It gets a two count as Cole has a stroke at ringside. Pat misses a punt and Theory takes him down. Big forearm, then Theory punches away on Pat. Pat slips out of Theory’s finisher and rolls him up for the three count.

Winner: Pat McAfee (9 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **3/4

Pat joins his regular broadcast partner and is now undefeated at WrestleMania. Before we can ruminate on this too much, Vince starts removing his clothing like he’s Ric Flair or something. He wants to show off what type of shape he’s in, and it turns out that Dave Meltzer was right after all. Suck it, haters!

Pat McAfee vs. Mr. McMahon: Theory smacks McAfee from behind, and the bell rings. Vince lands some offense. He sends Pat into the turnbuckle. Pat gets back up, but Theory trips him and crotches him on the ringpost. Vince with some…we’ll call them kicks, I suppose. Theory presents Vince with a football, Vince teases a punt, he kicks the ball into Pat’s ribs and gets the three count.

Winner: Mr. McMahon (4 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: N/A

That was definitely something, and I can think of one thing that could save this. Perhaps another Austin might still be in the Dallas area? Yup, looks like there is! Stone Cold Steve Austin is back for another last match or last Stunner or whatever the hell he wants to do. He stuns Austin into oblivion, and he just might have one more for Vince. Austin gets some beers and offers one to Vince. Vince approves of the beverage. Austin kicks Vince, Vince stumbles backwards and they eventually find their way into a Stunner. That was a thing that happened. Austin & McAfee celebrate, and we all know that ends with a Stunner for Pat. Nice spittake.

I AM FUCKING CRYING 😭😭😭😭#wrestlemania pic.twitter.com/Moj2XaODkf

— Wrestle Ops (@WrestleOps) April 4, 2022

This whole sequence feels like a fever dream, and I have no real cogent thoughts to add to the situation. I know, I’m supposed to be reviewing this thing and should have all kinds of deep insight here, but consider we just watched a former punter beat one of WWE’s top youngsters, then get beat by an eighty year old man, then saw one of the biggest stars in history come out and beat up the top youngster and eighty year old man, then stun the punter, who was one of the most over wrestlers on the show. What the hell am I supposed to say about any of this?

Ah, I got it. Shitty pro wrestling, great sports entertainment? Sounds good to me!

Let’s just move onto the Biggest WrestleMania Match of All Time. Which is announced as so by the ring announcer, who has some balls saying that when we just saw McAfee vs. McMahon.

WWE & Universal Championship Unification Match: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns (c) (w/Paul Heyman): I missed the opportunity to time Roman’s entrance, and now he has a microphone. He wishes to be acknowledged. Aforementioned ring announcer doesn’t get to introduce either guy, as Heyman introduces Roman & Brock introduces himself. Easy night for him! Brock takes his gloves off, if he takes his boots off the match is over I’m pretty sure. Big shots right away, Lesnar drives Reigns into the corner. Corey Graves says Roman isn’t used to being manhandled like this, which is nonsense since he’s wrestled Brock before. I seen it! Time for some Suplex City! Roman gets clotheslined over the top rope. Heyman begs off from Lesnar long enough for Reigns to recover and spear Lesnar through the barricade. Brock barely beats the ten count back into the ring. Spear by Reigns gets two! Reigns prepares for the Superman punch and hits it. At least Reigns wasn’t dumb enough to take his glove off. There’s another Superman punch. Lesnar laughs his way to his feet, evades the third punch and starts dispensing German suplexes like they’re jellybeans at Easter. We’re up to five, and Lesnar goes for the F-5 but Reigns blocks and hits the third Superman punch. Second spear? Nah, but first F-5 from Lesnar gets two. Reigns evades the second F-5 and spears Lesnar into the corner and the official. Reigns hits the low blow, allegedly the referee didn’t see it but I dispute that. I do believe he didn’t see the belt shot, and the referee makes the count of two. Roman goes off on one of his in-ring tirades and preps for another move. Spear to the back of Lesnar gets two, as he’s pretty much in the ropes anyway. Another spear, but Lesnar gets Reigns in the Kimura out of that. Pretty close to the ropes though, and Reigns can break the move via that. Reigns says his shoulder is out, but Heyman pumps him up. Reigns slips out of the F-5, hits the spear and gets the three count.

Winner: Roman Reigns (12 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: ***

Did exactly what it needed to do. I wouldn’t say it was a classic in the pro wrestling workrate sense of the term, but it got over pretty good and both guys looked good doing what they’re good at.

His shoulder might be out, but Roman Reigns is now the unified WWE Universal Champion. He poses with both titles as massive amounts of pyro go off and we bid you adieu.

7.8

The final score: review Good

The 411

As a pro wrestling show where matches are rated based off of pro wrestling things, this was not particularly good. As a Saturday Night Live sketch, it did a pretty good job. The problem I had ranking anything this show presented is pretty simple: I am not the target audience. I don't watch Jackass, I don't listen to Pat McAfee's show, I'm an old fart that spent time earlier in the day watching 1985 Mid-South. Nothing this show did was ever really going to appeal to somebody like me. That being said, I can see the other side of the situation, and I know enough diehard WWE fans to know what appeals to them. This show really appealed to them. Night One appealed more to me, largely because Kevin Owens was better at taking a Stunner than Mr. McMahon was. Poor guy. I realize I've just become the first person to call Mr. McMahon poor since 1975. Probably a good time to shut things down for the night. Thanks for reading!