Down With The Brown: WWF No Mercy (1999)

Have you ever bought a movie and never watched it? And then you kinda wonder why you even bought it in the first place? That’s how I feel about today’s review, a look at a rare WWF UK PPV that I bought a used copy of at Blockbuster right around when the wrestling craze was dying down and here we are six years later, and I am just NOW getting around to watching it.

Truth be told, 1999 was a really bad year for wrestling. Granted, ratings were at an all-time high, but in retrospect, there was WAAAY more bad than good:

-Obviously, the death of Owen was the #1 tragedy (with the show taking place only a week before it.)
-Storylines that had become incredibly stale: Austin vs. McMahon was STILL going on over a year after it began.
-Insane pushes for undeserving talent: Billy Gunn, X-Pac (who would have been deserving in 1994), and worst of all, Chyna getting an I-C run.

Sure there were positives (Jericho’s WWF debut, HHH’s initial title run, Foley), but all of those positives wouldn’t reach their full potential until 2000, a year as awesome as 1999 sucked.

The storyline here is that champ Austin is feuding with heel Undertaker and the “Corporate Ministry” which consisted of pretty much every major heel in the organization and run by UT and Shane McMahon. Somewhere in all this, Vince was overthrown and actually became a face, siding with Mankind, Test, Big Show, and Ken Shamrock. And actually for a few weeks, it made for some pretty good TV, but then of course came the “Higher Power” angle which ended up killing all momentum. Anyway, Austin is the champ, and he’s defending in a three-way against UT and fellow heel HHH, since if UT can’t get the job done, Hunter will.

Here we go:

We are in Manchester, England and your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Shane McMahon comes out with the whole Corporation (Undertaker, HHH, Chyna, Paul Bearer, The Acolytes, Viscera, and Mideon) with his awful remix of “No Chance in Hell” in the background. Shane announces that they will destroy The Brood (Edge, Christian, and Gangrel) who defected weeks earlier. They will then destroy Kane. Shane’s in a good mood and he’s even willing to put up his European title, and will use it to destroy X-Pac. And of course, Stone Cold will also be destroyed. Because the main event is now a no-DQ, no count-out match.

Match #1

Tiger Ali Singh vs. Gillberg

Ross makes his first gaffe by saying the match is Singh versus Goldberg. And he doesn’t even catch it. Singh was one of the many guys signed for big money deals in 1996 solely so WCW couldn’t get them, only to discover that they’d have been better off letting WCW have them. Here he’s using his “You all hate me because I’m Arab” gimmick that came about during the end of his run.

Okay, this may draw criticism, the Gillberg character was funny. Week after week, not so much, but seeing it here, it’s funny. Jobber Duane Gill was brought out of the mothballs for an INGENIOUS angle at Survivor Series 98, where Vince McMahon signed a mystery opponent for Mankind, only for him to dig up the only jobber that even Mario Mancini had a shot at beating. For some bizarre reason, they kept Duane around, made him a member of the J.O.B. Squad, and then along came the chance to make fun of Goldberg. And they went all out:

From coming out of a locker room that was clearly a janitor’s closet (which really happened) to piping in fake crowd chants (which really happened) to taking about five minutes to getting to the ring (which seemed like it really happened), it was both sour grapes and yet a humorous parody (which was damn near miraculous for the WWF writers.) Gillberg gets sparklers and gets sprayed with a fire extinguisher. (By the way, if you look closely, not only do they not even bother to draw Gillberg’s tattoo all the way across his arm, his other tattoo says “Duane.” Who gets a tattoo of their own name?

60 second match which shockingly shows Gill dominating. To further add to the mocking, the spear is done horribly, and when Singh attacks, Gillberg forgets to sell. Ѕ*. Too short to be painful, and if anything, the brevity is an asset.

Useless Trivia: Duane Gill’s 14 month reign as Light Heavyweight Champion is the longest anyone ever held that belt and it also stands as the longest WWE reign in 16 years.

A recap of the Brood leaving the Ministry in what was actually a well built storyline. Undertaker had taken a disliking for Christian for some reason and was beating him up backstage and making him wrestle matches he had no chance of winning. After getting killed by The Big Show, Taker demanded that Christian be put on the symbol and “symbolfied.” The other Brood members were against it and they attacked Taker instead. Meanwhile in 2005, it’s Vince playing the Taker role, JR playing Christian and Coach and Lawler playing the giant pu$$ies who just stand around doing nothing.

Match #2

Edge, Christian, & Gangrel vs. Faarooq, Bradshaw, and Viscera

I was always a big fan of Gangrel. Cool look, cool music (which he always walked to the beat of much like Shelton does now), cool entrance (which HHH stole I might add), but his speaking ability was atrocious, and that ended up killing him. Especially when Edge & Christian turned from goth to smartasses.

Okay six-man with Christian being the MVP here with great offense and selling the heels’ moves as if he were on life support. Mideon makes an appearance however, DDTing Gangrel on the concrete for a Bradshaw pinfall. Nothing bad, but quite forgettable.

A promo on the “Lethal Weapon” Steve Blackman. I will say, it does do a good job of making him seem like a badass.

Match #3

Steve Blackman vs. Droz

And here’s the other major tragedy of 1999 as Droz’s career would end roughly six months later when a botched powerbomb caused Droz to land on his head causing instant (and likely permanent) paralysis. Droz is playing the “tattooed, pierced” guy character opposing Blackman’s “lack of a” character.

Another uninspired match that the crowd turns on as airhorns go off repeatedly during the many lulls in the bout. Droz does a decent job trying to draw the crowd into it by yelling at them and mocking Blackman, but with neither man good at leading, it ends up being rather bland. Blackman wins with a submission.

Oh wow, a BEAVER CLEAVAGE promo!! And what I notice isn’t so much the lame sexual innuendo, but the absolute horrible production value. It looks and sounds like something from an indy promotion. And for a company that often innovates in television production, that’s the real surprise.

Jim Ross then feels the need to explain what just aired since he isn’t sure if Leave it to Beaver ever actually aired in England.

Here’s the first real pop of the night as Mick Foley comes out. Foley tries to win the crowd over with a football reference, but the crowd somewhat turns on him. He then makes a British Bulldog reference to win them back. Then he tells a bad joke to lose them. Then he drops the word “wanker” and he wins them back. He lets us know that while Billy Gunn may be the “Bad Ass,” Foley feels his ass looks much worse.

Match #4

Kane vs. Mideon

Kane’s tag champ with X-Pac at this point, and man, it’s weird seeing him with the mask back on. Kane seems to be in puss mode here as Mideon dominates when he should be getting killed. Kane finally gets the chokeslam but the entire Ministry comes out and kills him with two Viscera splashes finishing things. X-Pac makes the save with a 2×4 but the damage has been done.

Clips from Debra winning the Women’s title from Sable in what was rumored to be “on the fly” booking to get the title off of an increasingly difficult Sable.

Match #5

Sable vs. Tori

This would be Sable’s last WWF TV appearance for four years. She is seconded by Nicole Bass, and her opponent is Tori, not to be confused with Torrie Wilson. Sable delivers her two lines and then dances. Sable tells the crowd she is too sick to wrestle, so she has Nicole do it for her.

And to show how much she cares, Sable doesn’t even stay for the match, she leaves. Though then again, as horrible as the match is, I don’t blame her. Nicole no-sells Tori’s offense, gives her a bad chokeslam, then pins her with one foot. Oh, we’re hitting the DUD button right about now.

Totally useless segment as Sable would be fired after this match and Nicole Bass would be fired a month later.

A recap of the Shane McMahon-X-Pac feud.

Match #6

X-Pac vs. Shane McMahon

Shane had retired the European title after winning it at WrestleMania XV, but decided to reinstate it for one night only here. Funny bit as Shane attacks X-Pac, X-Pac dumps him, then instead of furthering the assault, waits for his pyro to go off. This is the period where I didn’t mind X-Pac. Once he turned heel and started winning EVERY match, it got old real quick.

Shane tries another sneak attack and gets dumped again. Shane decides to walk, but he gets stopped by Patterson and Brisco who each take turns punching him in the face. Chyna then comes out and beats them up and posts X-Pac.

And at this point, I promise there will be no porn references made.

We haven’t entered luchaShane territory yet as Shane’s offense is regulated to elbowdrops and suplexes. Chyna hits X-Pac with the title but it only gets two. X-Pac gets the X-Factor but Chyna knocks the ref out. And as if there hasn’t been enough overbooking, HHH comes out and Pedigrees X-Pac. Shane gets the win in what ends up being a MAJOR disappointment as these guys were capable of much more than this. *.

The three destroy X-Pac after the match but Kane makes the save, though you have to wonder if Kane was a real friend, what the hell took him so long?

Shane cuts a promo telling us how everything he has promised to do, he has done.

Mankind cuts a second promo which seems kinda weird, but it all makes sense when the Ministry attacks him four words in to it. They leave him laying.

Match #7

Mankind vs. “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn

Gunn suggests that since Mankind is so hurt, he should have his hand raised in victory. But Foley limps to the ring, and we’re off. Gunn spends the match working on Foley’s injured knee and sends him over the railing onto the concrete. Foley regains himself but like an idiot, goes for a legdrop with his injured knee. Gunn busts out a figure-four, but Foley won’t submit.

And ah, here’s my favorite spot as Gunn grabs the ropes for leverage and the ref doesn’t see it. Except the TitanTron is right in the ref’s face showing Gunn holding the ropes and he has to pretend that there’s no screen there. I swear, NOBODY thinks ahead sometimes.

Gunn runs out of things to do to Foley’s knee, so he starts repeating things, so Foley grabs a steel chair (which the ref takes away), pulls out Mr. Socko and locks in the claw. Gunn drops Foley on the chair and oddly, there’s no DQ. Gunn piledrives Foley on the chair and the ref counts three accidentally as Foley gets his shoulder up. The bell rings and the crowd turns. So Gunn gives Foley the Famousser on the chair and pins him again. Wow, is there anything as revolting as watching Billy Gunn pin Mick Foley twice in twenty seconds? And if the chair is apparently legal, why wasn’t Foley allowed to use it? Horrible, horrible stuff. *.

Jim Ross sends out well wishes to The British Bulldog and offers up some eerie foreshadowing by mentioning the many losses in the Bulldog’s family and the many hardships he has endured.

Match #8

Steve Austin vs. HHH vs. The Undertaker

Man, this match has got to be damn near ***** to save this show. I rate the six man at **. So far, THAT is the match of the night. Odd, the box says this show lasts three hours, and the main event starts before we even reach the two hour mark. Might we be blessed with an hour long Undertaker match? And damn, HHH looks TINY here. The pop for Austin is insane as the director has the insight to go wide to show the entire arena explode. HHH attacks and we’re off.

And how do we start things? UT blows a belt shot to Austin’s face, and then tries to make up for it by doing it again, only it misses even moreso because Austin ducks, and Taker is left looking like an idiot. The three brawl all over the crowd. And I swear to you, after eight minutes of punch, kick, choke, Austin delivers the first wrestling move of the match, a suplex on the floor. Austin then tries to piledrive Undertaker, but then, come on, who is he kidding?

UT and HHH take their liberties but Austin grabs a chair and wipes them both out. That lasts about twenty seconds as the two return to punching and kicking. But then of course the heels fight over who gets to kick Austin’s ass more allowing Austin the chance to recover. Taker and HHH both eat the post, but Taker brushes it off and it’s more punching, and the huge early heat is starting to wane. Taker and HHH get in a shoving match again, and in the highlight so far, Paul Bearer threatens to beat up Chyna. Taker and HHH’s alliance dissolves and NOW after fifteen minutes of nothing, it’s starting to get a little interesting.

In a nice bit, Austin slingshots HHH into a Taker chokeslam and then gives Taker a stunner, but HHH recovers. HHH gets a stunner too, but the Ministry attacks, and it’s no-DQ, which kinda makes you wonder what they were waiting for. The locker room empties and all the faces come out and they all fight to the locker room (including inexplicably The Undertaker.) With only HHH left, Chyna tries to interfere, but Austin stunners her and stunners HHH for the pin.

And as for the extracurricular activities…….

Austin goes after Shane who runs to the back, only to be caught by X-Pac. Shane gets a stunner. Shane gets a Bronco Buster. HHH gets a Bronco Buster. Chyna gets a Bronco Buster. Austin and X-Pac drink some beer. Shane and HHH get simultaneously stunnered by Austin. Shane gets an X-Factor. HHH gets up (mind you after having gotten three stunners) as if he’s showing no ill effects, gets a FOURTH stunner. He then gets a second Bronco Buster. Shane then gets his third stunner.

Kinda funny how one stunner kills Shane now, when once upon a time he was up after three.

End of show.

Where to begin?

This show is awful. The main event ignores so many rules of logic that it’s difficult to really watch it objectively. See the problem is, Austin comes off looking like an immortal here. How can Undertaker or HHH ever be a threat if both of them COMBINED can’t beat Steve Austin? The match just makes the heels look like complete morons, and that hurts everybody since they spent the rest of the show killing the locker room. I understand the point of having the heels dominate is to give more of a happy ending. But it is doing so at the expense of the talent.

Eight matches, two of them are complete squashes, six of them are won by heels, really only the main event is anything approaching entertaining. I hesitate to say that Gillberg may have been the best part of the show.

Not to mention the box lies. I was promised a three hour show. I got a 2 hour and fifteen minute one. Then again, an extra 45 minutes would probably have done more harm than good.

Thumbs down, not recommended, D+.

-Sydney Brown