Sudden Impact 07.02.04

This week brought to you by the Why We Hate Tom Fontana webpage.

Mr. Fontana is one of the genius’s behind Oz and now a new, very good show called The Jury on Fox. I love internet hate pages but please look at this one and watch a bunch of pathetic Homicide: Life on the Street nerds post up quotes out of context and bitch about what the writer of the show did with his own characters. Seriously guys…. seriously. I like quotes that damn people but when they’re obviously making condescending jokes about themselves and you don’t care to acknowledge it… it’s very very sad.

WELCOME TO IMPACT!

Taped from Orlando, Florida with your hosts Mikey Tenay and spawn from hell Don West.

This week and every week I introduce a weapon I would use to murder Don West. This week it’s a fat guy and an iron. I’d hover the fat guy from a bungee cord suspended several stories in the air and then release him via knife. He’d fall, screaming every inch of the way, onto Don West, who would be laying on a bed of nails at ground level. The fat guy, being fat, would then bounce off of the also fat West, flying back into the air. Between bounces I would creep in and smack West in the mouth with the iron… not unlike the picture shown above.

On with the show.

Ken Shamrock is walking…. proudly I might add. I just hope Tito Ortiz isn’t hiding anywhere in the building… OHHHH TAGGG.

This week on Impact! all 8 men from the gauntlet this Wednesday will be around.

Pyros shoot off in the arena and somewhere in America James Hetfield remembers Montreal.

Match One: “Primetime” Elix Skipper vs Alex Shelley

A one-on-one match to start the show? Did my tape start late? We’re underway and Shelley bumrushes Primetime’s legs to start but he somersaults out of the way and shows how smart he is. Armlock by Skipper, reversed, reversed, and they’re back on their feet. “Shelley is from Detroit… former Piston badboy Dennis Rodman is here tonight.” SEGWAY OF THE YEAR! Skipper with an armdrag and some type of reverse neckflip slam… 1-2, no. Skipper runs off the ropes and hits a perfect moonsault on a standing Shelley. Awesome. Kazarian and Shane walk out with Tracy on the ramp and give Shelley a chance to attack from behind. Shelley beats on Skipper’s back. 1-2, no. Matrix by Skipper and a hard kick to the back. Goes for a German, gets reversed, and Shelley hits a move I’ve never seen before… that doesn’t happen much. WRESTLING EXPERT HERE…::cough:: Some kicks to the head by Shelley, 1-2, no. Shelley sends Skipper into the corner where a knee to the chest takes Skipper down to his knees with his head down on his chest. Shelley comes off the top with a dropkick to the head… that move would have been great if Skipper hadn’t been prone in such a ridiculous position for so long. 1-2, no. Shelley hops to the top and misses a splash as Skipper rolls away. Skipper crotches Shelley on the top and walks the ropes… trademark headscissors brings him back down. Shelley hops back up but gets a spinkick to the face for his troubles. This is an excellent match if I do say so myself. Play of the Day reversed into a Russian leg sweep which he takes down into a pin and grabs the tights…1-2-, no, Skipper gets out. Elix hops back up with a spinkick to the midsection, Play of the Day (very nice one at that)….1—2—3. Winner: Elix Skipper at 4:32. Skipper stares down the ramp and shows off to the crowd. 7.5/10.0.

Awesome match… WWE needs to take that formula if they insist on 5 minute TV matches.. have both guys go all out, hit some fancy moves, and look good. Well done on both accounts.

Coming up next: D’Lo Brown and America’s Most Wanted! I smell a squash.

COMMERCIALS.

Match Two: Team Japan (Miyamoto/Nosawa/Makeimu) vs D’Lo Brown and America’s Most Wanted

You’ll all excuse me if I don’t refer to the Japanese guys by name… I’m not typing that shit over and over, say what you will but I’d miss the action while trying to spell check… it’s for you baby, it’s all for you. We have a Miyamoto and James Storm to start. Lockup goes nowhere and they circle again. Knee by Japanese, misses a closeline, misses a kick, and James Storm hops on him for a huricanrana. Missed chop by Storm and Miyamoto fakes the mist. Miyamoto tags out to Nosawa. Storm catches him running and plants him with a powerslam. Double team by AMW, atomic drop with Storm hitting a backbody, 1-2, no. Harris with a power vertical suplex. He points to D’Lo and makes the tag. D’Lo takes over Nosawa’s arm and all three guys tag in and out working on Nosawa’s arm in rapid motion. D’Lo closelines Nosawa in the corner and beats him to the ground. Punch, Irish whip, Nosawa with a kick to the face and he tags in Makeimu. Something tells me Makeimu is a fat white guy…and that something is knowing he’s David Young. Harris now in and gets taken down with an overhead belly-to-belly. Tag to Miyamoto who hits a nice legwhip. Stomps, tag back to Nosawa. Multiple double teams including the cobra clutch/running dropkick to the face. Nosawa uses Harris’s knee for a trampoline and kicks him in the face. Makeimu back in but gets reversed by Harris and reaches out for the tag to D’Lo. D’Lo with closelines and a backbody drop. Another for Miyamoto. Backkick to Makeimu and then he takes down Nosawa. Backbreaker on Makeimu and he climbs to the top rope… moonsault. 1-2, broken up by the rest of Team Jap. All six men come in and D’Lo cleans house before tagging out to James Storm. D’Lo suicide dives outside onto Nosawa and Miyamoto while Storm superkicks Makeimu in the middle of the ring. Chris Harris climbs the ropes and AMW hits the Death Sentence on Makeimu for the clean pin at 6:20. Winners: AMW and D’Lo. 4.0/10.0. Like WWII they sacrificed the Japs just to get themselves over…glorified squash.

The Naturals appear on the ramp and take AMW’s tag team titles….continuing their feud on to the PPV this week.

Next up: Monty Brown (and another squash)

COMMERCIALS.

Match Three: Monty Brown vs Abismo Negro

Monty Brown was an All-American at Ferris State! Yay for Division 1AA! A quick Google search shows Mr. Brown was credited with 20 tackles in 1996 for the Patriots… I want a poster! To his credit that’s 20 more than Brock Lesnar will ever get. Monty stomps to start and tosses him into the corner… punches… but as he turns to celebrate he gets attacked before reversing Negro and tossing him outside the ring. He slides out and attacks… guillotine on the guardrail. Tosses him back in like Spike Dudley and goes for the cover, 1-2, nope. Awkward looking backdrop followed by a slightly better looking backdrop. Abismo gets back up, bounces off the ropes and fails in taking Brown down (LOLRHYME!)… he tries again and fails again… third times the charm though as he climbs the ropes and hits a beautiful dropkick to the face dropping Brown like the quarterbacks he did in high school when he was actually good at football. Abismo with a cover, 1-2, no. Abismo takes out Brown’s knees and hits a faceplant, 1-2, no. Brown regains control with a reversal and hits a backbreaker followed by a fallaway slam. He sets up the Pounce and smacks him hard for the pin at 2:56. Winner: Monty Brown. 3.0/10.0 and it’s happy with it. Would have been lower but they actually let Abismo get a move or two in and he’s actually a pretty good wrestler. I’m gonna take you into the TNA lockerroom roughly 2 hours before showtime.

Russo: Monty Brown vs Abismo Negro
Abismo Negro: Fuck

I don’t know what fuck is in Spanish but someone will tell me…I’m apparently very big in the Spanish TNA community. The Pounce might very well be the gayest finisher name of all-time. Falling somewhere between the Hollycaust and The World’s Strongest Slam.

Up Next: Chris Sabin and Amazing Red.

COMMERCIALS….including Shark Boy and D-Ray 3000 riding all the rides in Orlando… god love ‘em.

Match Four: Michael Shane and Frankie Kazarian (w/Tracy) vs The Amazing Red and Chris Sabin

Michael Shane’s not wearing his yellow trunks so I’m prepared to be confused. It’ll be Kazarian and Sabin to start and Kazarian wants a handshake. They circle and reverse some armbars and get back on their feet. Tag out to Shane who runs right into a Sabin huricanrana. Your judge this week is Dusty Rhodes… good to throw that in during your fourth match. Red takes a shot at Shane and they double up for a dropkick. 2 count for Sabin on Shane. Tag out to Red who grabs ahold of Shane’s arm. Shane punches out and makes the tag to Frankie. Armdrag and dropkick by Red into another fucking armbar. Tag to Sabin who gets an… ARMBAR! Sabin tosses Shane out and leaps onto him while Red attacks Frankie from behind in the ring.

COMMERCIALS.

We’re back with clips of what happened during the break (I’ll guess armbars). Kazarian has Red down and makes the tag to Shane. Shane crosses Red’s arms over his throat and sits in the choke. Red fights to his feet and kicks to the stomach, toss into the corner and a little boot. Red runs at Shane but gets flipped head over heels into the corner landing head first on the mat…. which he sells very well. Sabin tries to help his partner but he’s restrained by the ref as Kazarian and Shane try to double team Red. Red reverses and kicks both men in the face, tag to Sabin who cleans house with multiple kicks, pin on Shane, 1-2, broken up by Kazarian. All four men are in the ring and out of nowhere Shane smacks Sabin with a sick superkick for the 1-2-3. Winners: Frankie Kazarian and Michael Shane at 7:20. 5.5/10.0. Couple nice spots but nothing much in between.

Clip package of Ken Shamrock including him becoming the first TNA Champion. Now, two years later, he plans on doing it again. This package actually made me remember the Kimo vs Shamrock UFC was the first one I hadn’t ordered in quite awhile and I had actually forgotten it ever happened. Says alot about Shamrock don’t it? I will give a quick shout to Sherdog.com because he hooked me up with 4 or 5 free Tito Ortiz posters last year. He’s a good man and my favorite place for MMA news, results, stats, and videos.

COMMERCIALS.

Fairplay is on my screen as we’re back. He’s most certainly not a TV personality. He talks about reality TV and being the biggest villain in the history of reality TV… forgetting that people stop caring after the last show airs. He issues the Jonny Fairplay Reality Challenge once again… man or woman.

I’ve noticed Don West isn’t irritating me… I’ll assume he reads my review and he’s sorry.

Just as I say it it’s time for the Tenay and West Shill of the Week where they use an entire segment to hype the PPV. As they shill America’s Most Wanted breaks it all up to callout the Naturals. There’s a fight on Wednesday and he’s GUARANTEES the Naturals won’t win. Stirring words indeed.

Clip package of the Styles/Hardy/Kash situation. God bless them for dumping that piece of garbage Kash.

THE FRANCHISE is with Vince Russo. Vince Russo admits to “dropping the ball” on Jeff Hardy by letting Kid Kash break up the big X-Division supermatch. Russo says he’ll make it up to Jeff Hardy and brings out Dusty Rhodes. Rhodes says they’re taking the right step by giving Jeff Hardy something in a cheap office envelope….fighting… with… drug… jokes. Dusty is going to deliver said envelope personally as Douglas unsuccessfully tries to break Russo on its contents.

COMMERCIALS.

Team Canada (w/D’Amore) vs 3 Live Kru (w/Rodman)

Jarrett will join Tenay and West on commentary. Tenay: “LOOK WHO’S ACCOMPANYING THE KRU! ITS DENNIS RODMAN!” I’m practically hanging off my seat. Russo is in the back telling Shamrock to avoid a confrontation with Jarrett. We’ll start with Eric Young and Konnan. Konnan gets tossed off the ropes, hits a shoulderblock and takes him down with a closeline. 3LK attacks and triple teams Young, pin by Killings, 1-2, no. Punches by Troof, flips, kick, axe kick. HE LETS LOOSE THE ENTIRE ARSENAL! Team Canada back in and attacking from the outside, stomping on Killings in the corner. Petey Williams is apparently legal now as they mock Killings’ dancing. Williams misses a closeline and gets smacked by a Killings’ forearm. Both men reaching for some tags and its BG James and Bobby Rude. James is cleaning house on Team Canada and finishes with a big boot to Rude. They’re all over the arena brawling as BG punches away on Rude, who throws the ref in the way. Knees by Rude as James helps the ref. James sets up the pumphandle slam but Petey flys off the top with a dropkick. Rude gets reversed by James as Jarrett slides in the ring and KABONGS BG with the guitar. Petey rolls over for the pin, 1-2-3. Winners: Team Canada at 4:04. 2.0/10.0, the fuck was that?

Jarrett stands with the Guard on the rampway jeering at 3LK as Team Canada celebrates. Jarrett reaches under the ring for another guitar and stalks behind Konnan and Killings who are helping James up. Ken Shamrock comes out of nowhere and rips the guitar out of Jarrett’s hands as the Guard rush in to fill the ring. Shamrock chooses to smash the guitar in the middle of the ring and yell at them instead… that was the shittiest Mexican standoff of alltime.

Clips to hype the PPV as we come to the end.

See, you might make fun of the fact Dennis Rodman just sat at ringside and did nothing… but what you DON’T KNOW is BJ Armstrong, Craig Hodges, and Cliff Levingston were also at ringside talking with him about old Chicago Bulls title runs…keeping him busy.

Okay, the problem with TNA. Not only did several people email me after the 2-year show to bitch about buying it but it never gets better. They always start with a hot X-Division match and end with a main event clusterfuck that last all of 4 minutes.

This show is like anal sex… it starts off with the best of intentions but always ends leaving you disillusioned and messy.

Wednesday’s PPV
NWA Title Gauntlet: Jeff Jarrett, The Elite Guard, Ken Shamrock, 3 Live Kru
Tag Titles: America’s Most Wanted vs The Naturals
D’Lo Brown vs Monty Brown (again)
Tornado Tag: Sabin & Red vs Miyamoto & Nosawa vs Team Canada
Sonny Siaki and Desire vs Big Vito and Trinity
Frankie Kazarian and Michael Shane vs D-Ray 3000 and Shark Boy