wrestling / TV Reports
The 2005 Royal Rumble Breakdown
Michaels clotheslines them over and skins-the-cat back in. HBK gives him some chops in the corner. Edge comes back with a series of punches but runs right into Thesz Press. Michaels sends him to the outside but misses a baseball slide. Edge gives him a chinlock/neckdrop. He shows Michaels how a baseball slide is done. Edge starts to take Michaels apart methodically. Michaels starts to make the comeback, but Edge counters a dropkick to a powerbomb for two. Edge settles him down with a rear naked choke. Michaels starts to elbow out of it, but Edge slams him down by the hair and mocks Shawn’s pose. Michaels backdrops Edge to the apron. Edge snaps Shawn’s neck on the top rope and comes back in with a flying crossbody. HBK dives out of the way and gets two off an Oklahoma Roll. Michaels counters a backdrop suplex to a crossbody out of nowhere. That gets two. Michaels lays in some chops and delivers a kneelift to stagger Edge back. To the corner, Edge backdrops him over, but Shawn lands in a sunset flip position for two. He slingshots Edge to the turnbuckle and gets two more off a schoolboy rollup. Edge takes a powder, prompting Shawn to track him down in the aisle. They battle back to ringside where Edge spears him on the outside. Michaels sneaks back into the ring at a count of nine. Edge tunes up the band and levels Shawn with the Spear! ONE! TWO! THRE–NO! Michaels gets the shoulder up. Edge can’t believe it, so he starts ripping his own hair out. Edge sets him on top, and they exchange blows on the top. Michaels headbutts Edge back into the ring and drops an elbow. THE LAWD SAYS YOU GOT TA RAIZ UP! Michaels cues up the band, but Edge ducks and counters to an Electric Chair Drop! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Michaels gets a sunset flip, but Edge rolls through and locks in the Edgeucation. Michaels…just…makes…the rope. Edge pulls him back to the center and goes for it again, but Michaels reverses to the small package for two. Michaels reverse rolls him, but Edge rolls through and grabs a handful of ropes for the win at 18:32. Pretty pedestrian stuff until the end. ***
The Benedictine Monks bring out the casket to start. Taker pulls Heidenreich over to the casket with a headlock. Tazz rules the world by explaining the psychology of that. Taker hiptosses Heidenreich and armdrags him down. Taker single leg picks him and turns Heidenreich into a single leg crab. Heidenreich pulls himself to the ropes, but Cole points out he’s also pulling himself toward the casket. Not that I think this is a great match by any stretch, but I like how they incorporated Heidenreich’s fear of the casket into the psychology of the match. Just a little thing that’s pretty cool. To the outside, Heidenreich reverses a whip and sends Taker into the casket. Back in, Taker ensnares Heidenreich in a Triangle Choke. Gene Snitsky runs down and breaks up the hold. Snitsky and Heidenreich join forces and destroy the Taker. Snitsky calls for the refs to open the casket. When they throw it open, Kane pops out and opens a can of burnt ass! Kane and Snitsky fight all the way through the crowd, eliminating each other from the match. Heidenreich whips Taker into the ringsteps and pulls up the mat. Taker is staggered, so Heidenreich pushes the casket into his face (sort of). Back in, Heidenreich locks in the shinni no make (Cobra Clutch). He puts Taker out and rolls him into the casket. Taker blocks the casket from closing and sandwiches Heidenreich’s head with the casket door. He then legdrops the lid onto Heidenreich’s head, prompting a somewhat generous “Holy Shit!” chant. Back in, Heidenreich catches Taker with a flying side slam. He covers because he’s nutty and all. Taker goes into the casket again, but again he blocks. A botched chokeslam sets up the TOMBSTONE! Heidenreich is way dead after that, so Taker rolls him into the casket for the win at 13:20. Heidenreich was awfully sloppy in there, dragging down any hope this had for being a better match. There were some decent spots, though, and the psychology was smart. **
Angle ducks out of the ring, leaving Show and JBL to start. Bradshaw bounces off a shoulderblock. Show pushes him to the corner and hits him with a chop that ECHOES in the arena. Another. Bradshaw counters a charge with a big boot, but Show catches him on a crossbody attempt. Big Show gets two off a slam, but Angle makes the save. Show takes on both men until Bradshaw jumps him with a series of chops. Show counters a suplex to one of his own and boots Angle down. He clotheslines both men over the top. Bradshaw gets sent into the ringpost. Kurt grabs a waistlock, but Show brushes him off and brings the ringsteps over to the announce position. Show prepares to chokeslam JBL from the steps through the table, but Angle breaks it up with a lowblow and sends Show through the table with a monitor shot. Back in, Angle and JBL go at it as Show tries to recover. Angle armdrags him down and targets JBL’s arm. Bradshaw misses a charge, and Angle German Suplexes him. Bradshaw blocks a second one and goes for the Clothesline From Hell. Kurt ducks and gets that German Suplex. JBL slips out of an Angle Slam and knocks Kurt down with a big boot. Show recovers and gets back in. He slams Angle on top of Bradshaw. Avalanche on both men in the corner! Show goes for a double chokeslam, but Angle kicks him in the knee. Angle and Bradshaw team up for a sort of vege-o-matic. Angle delivers the Angleslam on Show and drops Bradshaw with a German Suplex. Show kicks out at two. Angle gets tossed, and Show chokeslams Bradshaw. ONE, TWO, THR-foot on the ropes. JBL heads outside for a breather, but Show follows him out and spears JBL through the ring barrier. Angle has a chair now. He charges, but Show flapjacks him into his own chair. Mark Jindrak breaks up the count as the Bashams and Orlando Jordan run down to revive JBL. The Bashams, Jindrak and Luther Reigns quadruple-team Big Show as JBL wakes up and levels Kurt with a Clothesline From Hell for the disappointingly quick win at 12:04. **3/4
Earl Hebner is the reffing a Triple H match, so I’m going to predict a ref bump in this match. Triple H taunts him with the belt, so Orton slaps the taste out of his mug. Orton punches him to the corner and backdrops him over. He goes for the RKO early, but Triple H ducks out of the ring. Back in, Triple H charges right into a dropkick for two. Orton beats him down in the corner. Crowd actually starts a small “Triple H” chant. Triple H mounts him in the corner, but Orton drops him facefirst on the turnbuckle. Orton goes for the RKO, but Triple H counters by tossing Orton over the top to the floor. Triple H sends him into the ringsteps and mocks Orton’s pose. Back in, Triple H chokes him down. Orton gets his boot up to counter a charge. Triple H cuts Orton’s leg out from under him as the crowd chants “Randy sucks!” Randy scrambles to the camera and yells out “Oh shit!” while clutching his leg. Geez, blow Vince McMahon with that mouth? Triple H dives into the legwork just like Flair used to but without the personality (not a knock on Hunter). Hunter goes for the figure-four, but Randy counters to a small package for two. Triple H kicks his leg again and finally locks in that figure-four. Face pop for that. Orton nearly makes the ropes, but Triple H pulls them back to the center. Orton finally turns the hold over. Hunter makes the ropes easily as we hit the ten minute mark. Triple H slams Orton’s leg over the apron a few times. Orton shoves him through the Spanish Announce Table. Back in, Hunter charges right into a Stretch Backbreaker that hurts Randy’s knee. Randy wins a slugfest and gets two off a neckbreaker amidst some healthy booing. Orton gets two more off a powerslam. He mounts Triple H in the corner to lay in punches, but Hunter counters with an atomic drop. Triple H goes up top. Orton catches him and armdrags him to the canvas. Orton goes up. CROSSBODY! ONE, TWO, THR-No! Triple H hits a facebuster out of nowhere and goes for the Pedigree. Orton counters with a slingshot. RKO? NO! Triple H shoves him away and delivers the High Knee for two. Hunter goes for the Pedigree, countered to a clothesline by Orton. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! To the outside, Orton slams Hunter’s head into the steps. Back in, Orton slugs away, staggering Triple H against the turnbuckle. Orton goes for a DDT, but Hunter grabs the ropes to counter. Orton rolls to the outside with the thousand yard stare. Ross and Lawler speculate that he may have a concussion. Hebner stops his count and asks Orton to get back in, which Ross calls a “discretionary” call. Orton gets back in. Triple H charges taking out both men. No. Not predictable at all. Hebner’s out, so Triple H grabs his sledgehammer. He charges, but Orton drop toeholds him into the ringpost. Hunter staggers around like he got shot in the face with a rifle. A groggy Orton picks up the sledgehammer but Hunter takes his head off with a clothesline. Hunter is about to use the hammer, but Hebner recovers. Instead, Hunter drops the sledge and finishes Orton cleanly with the Pedigree at 21:28. They went for epic, but came up with merely above average. Not much to do with Orton now except to rebuild him as a heel. ***1/4
Eddy Guerrero is #1. It would be funny if Flair was #2. Oh, instead it’s Chris Benoit at #2! Talk about bad luck. Ross says he could watch Benoit and Guerrero wrestle every day. JR for President! They actually choose to wrestle here. Big “Eddy!” chant. Daniel Puder is #3. He gets on the stick and promises the crowd that they’ll witness history. That doesn’t impress Benoit and Guerrero, so they turn their hostilities on the rookie. They take turns chopping him in the corner, one-upping each other along the way. Double suplex. Backdrop suplex by Benoit. Triple Verticals by Guerrero. Hardcore Holly is #4. Welcome to Fuckedville, California. Population – Puder. Holly asks Benoit and Guerrero to stand aside while he beats on the rookie. Finally, Benoit and Holly trade him around like a pack of smokes at an AA meeting. Alabama Slam on Puder! Holly tosses Puder. Hurricane comes down at #5 as Benoit and Guerrero team up to throw Holly out. Guerrero turns on Benoit but fails to eliminate him. Hurricane delivers the blockbuster to Guerrero. Benoit jumps Hurricane and whips him into Guerrero who backdrops him over, eliminating him.
Kenzo Suzuki is #6. Benoit and Guerrero set aside their differences once more to doubleteam Suzuki. Benoit turns on Guerrero this time and tosses him to the apron. Edge is #7. He spears Eddy in the corner. After a brief stop with Benoit, Edge goes after Eddy. Eddy hooks the ropes and hugs them for dear life. Edge gives up and goes after Benoit. Benoit makes him pay with a chop. Rey Mysterio is #8. He goes after Eddy and Benoit. Rey hits Edge with the wheelbarrow bulldog. Kenzo catches him, but Rey grabs the ropes and headscissors him over to the floor. Eddy hits tilt-o-whirl backbreakers on Rey and Benoit. IC Champ Shelton Benjamin is #9. He hits Edge with a reverse elbow. Backdrop on Eddy. This certainly is frontloaded in terms of workrate guys. Shelton tries to get Edge over. Rey chops his knee to break that up. Rey takes Shelton down with a headscissors. Booker T is #10. He goes after Edge with a spin kick. Benoit knees Guerrero in the gut. Rey takes Shelton over, but apparently neither man is eliminated. Eric Bischoff saunters down to root on his guys.
Chris Jericho is 11. He goes after everyone. Now, Teddy Long comes down. Looks like they might be booking something on the fly here. Luther Reigns is #12. Everyone separates into Raw guys vs. Smackdown guys and start snapping their fingers. Well, I made the finger thing up, but the crowd realizes what’s going on and ERUPTS. It turns into a 4-on-4 brawl as Muhammed Hassan comes out at #13. Everyone in the ring stops and gangs up on the Muslim. 619 on Hassan. Everyone lifts him up in an oddly-Christlike image and tosses him over. Orlando Jordan is #14. OJ goes after Reigns to further the Angle vs. Bradshaw feud. Jericho lands on the apron, but Benjamin can’t get him out. Scottie II Hottie is #15. The ring is starting to get too loaded here. Hassan jumps Scottie from behind and puts him in the Camel Clutch, taking his frustrations out on poor Scottie. Orlando gets tossed to the apron. Scottie never gets in, instead returning to the locker room.
Charlie Haas is #16. He goes after Benoit and Jericho. Booker T ends any momentum he had. Booker gets fired up and eliminates both Luther Reigns and Orlando Jordan. RUMBLEROONIE! Eddy doublecrosses him and pulls down the ropes, sending Booker over off a Rey dropkick. Eddy tries to smooth things over with Book as Benjamin hits Rey with the T-Bone. Rene Dupree is #17. He goes after Rey, but Charlie Haas breaks it up. Haas and Benjamin team up to hit the stretch into a vertical splash. That’s great to see. Edge ducks under a Stinger Splash. Shelton lands on the top rope, but Edge pushes him out. Simon Dean is #18. Rey ranas Eddy down but misses the 619. Dean gets his headphones and weight belt on as Edge tosses Guerrero. Lots of heel heat for that. Shawn Michaels is #19. He clotheslines Dean over. Haas and HBK go at it as the crowd chants for Guerrero. Edge tries unsuccessfully to corner former partner Rey Mysterio. Tazz tries to get JR to say “quicker ‘n a hiccup. Michaels tosses Haas. Kurt Angle is #20. He hits Benoit with a German Suplex. Belly-to-Belly on Rey. German Suplex on Jericho! Angleslam to Edge! HBK waits for him to turn around…SWEET CHIN MU-NO!! Angle counters to the anklelock. Michaels rolls through and superkicks Angle moments later. Michaels and Rey Mysterio go at it. Shawn needs to go to Smackdown!
Jonathon Coachman is #21. He hits Benoit once and scurries to the corner. If Coach eliminates Benoit, I will seriously riot in the streets. Well, it’s kind of cold out. I’ll glower. That’s it. I’ll glower. Mysterio and Jericho take each other to the apron but sneak back in. Mark Jindrak is #22 as Kurt Angle returns and apparently eliminates Shawn Michaels. He slams Michaels on the ring steps and puts the anklelock on him, setting up their dream match at Mania. Viscera is #23 as we enter the requisite “How do you eliminate him?” portion of the match. Jindrak throws Rey over, but he lands on the apron. Paul London is #24. He sprints to the ring and goes after Dupree. Dupree yanks him down by the hair and does the FRENCH TICKLER! Jericho interrupts the Tickler and tosses Dupree. Jericho tries to mock the French Tickler, prompting Tazz to get a nice dig: “He can’t dance or sing!” John Cena is #25. He hits anyone and everyone. Cena and Vis go at it. Vis charges, so Cena backdrops him over, eliminating him.
Gene Snitsky is #26. He shoulderblocks everyone down. Paul London, of all people, jumps on his back with a sleeper. Snitsky dumps him to the apron. London avoids a swing, but a second one sends him spiraling off in a 360°. OH…DEAR…JESUS! Cena goes for the FU on Snitsky, but Snitsky slips out and boots him down. Kane is #27. He chokeslams everything in sight as the EMTs take London out on a stretcher. Jindrak goes over. Coach sneaks in a shot and runs away. Batista is #28, getting the Austin pop. There goes Snitsky. Demonbomb to Kane. Jericho flies at Batista, but Dave catches him and throws him over. Christian is #29, which makes Flair #30. Christian goes after Cena to continue their battle rap. Rey hits Kane with the 619. Cena picks Kane up and FU’s him over. Cena and Rey seem to make a pact. Ric Flair is #30. Benoit has now survived from the beginning through #30 in two consecutive Rumbles. That’s a pretty big achievement. Batista spinebusters Coach and lets Flair eliminate him. Flair whips Christian into another Batista spinebuster. Batista presses Christian onto Tomko. Benoit corners Flair with a series of chops. Batista makes the save with a spinebuster. Flair and Batista team up to throw Benoit out after nearly 50 minutes. Flair doublecrosses Batista but tries to convince him it was an accident. Edge and Rey team up to double dropkick Flair. Edge picks Flair up and eliminates him.
That leaves Batista, Edge, Cena and Rey as your final four. Edge spears Batista. He tries the same on Rey, but Rey leapfrogs him. Edge tosses Rey to the apron. Rey survives, but Edge spears him to the floor, eliminating him. Cena grabs Edge and tosses him moments later. That leaves Batista and Cena face-to-face. Cena picks Batista up in the FU, but can’t quite get him over. Batista counters to the Demonbomb, but Cena holds on. They both spill over the top, landing at the same time. Ah nuts. The Raw refs think Batista won while the SD refs think Cena won. Vince McMahon stumbles out like a doofus and restarts the match after several false announcements. Batista blocks the FU and spinebusters Cena once more. There goes Cena. Batista is your winner!! One cluttered spot and a goofy finish held this back from last year’s gold standard. The highs were higher, but the lows were lower. ****1/2
Final Thoughts: Despite the silly finish, the other 58 minutes of the Rumble were gold. The undercard was very solid with most of the right guys going over and nothing really horrible. If nothing else, order it for the Rumble match.
Solid thumbs up for the Royal Rumble 2005.
J.D. Dunn
