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The Furious Flashbacks – UWF Bodyslammin’

August 10, 2007 | Posted by Arnold Furious
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The Furious Flashbacks – UWF Bodyslammin’  

The Furious Flashbacks – UWF Bodyslammin’

Ever want to watch 45 minutes of mediocre jobber matches from the early 90’s? This is the tape for you.

In 1990 Herb Abrams set up a professional wrestling company called UWF. It has the same name as the company that Bill Watts sold to Jim Crockett years beforehand. Other than that there’s no connection between the two companies. Abrams wanted to capitalise on a brand name that already existed but no one was using. They went straight into the PPV market, with about as much success as WCW had in its last year or so, and stumbled on until 1996 when Herb died. Fairly recently some UWF DVD’s were released in Australia hoping to tap into the market there. This is the first of six DVD’s.

My only previous experience with UWF was watching Foley do some stuff there on a ‘best of’ compilation. Hosts are Craig DeGeorge & John Tolos. The latter is best known for his brief managerial run in the WWF managing Mr Perfect. DeGeorge used to work for Vince as well doing pre-taped interviews and crappy hosting jobs. Much like Todd Grisham does now. This is from the TV tapings for “Thunder Hour” although I thought it was called the Fury Hour. DeGeorge calls it Fury Hour later on, which is confusing. Crowd is about 200 people.

Marauder/Viper v Wet N’ Wild (Steve Ray & Sunny Beach)

The babyfaces have a surfer gimmick. The other guys are masked jobbers. Steve Ray isn’t the same guy as Harlem Heat’s Stevie Ray in case you were wondering. Beach does a nice leg pick into the Figure Four but that doesn’t finish because the other jobber jumps in there and that leads to a big tornado style brawl. The crowd is responding to everything suggesting they’ve done a good job of building up this babyface team. The heels are unfortunately nowhere near the same level. They’re just two guys in masks. They don’t even look like wrestlers. The main entertainment is Viper having a hole in his tights. The masks aren’t much better. They’re really cheap looking. Like two cloth bags with eyeholes cut in them. Beach hits an ugly splash off the middle rope for the pin and the referee doesn’t even get the count right thus blowing the crowd reaction. ¼*. Pretty standard jobber match. When your high spot is a hole in the bad guys tights then you’re struggling.

Stonecold v Paul Orndorff

Stonecold is a nobody and a jobber guy. It’s not Steve Austin, in case you were wondering. Orndorff is just back from taking some time off. Orndorff is different class and shows it with superior mat wrestling. He feels he doesn’t need to do anything to beat Stonecold so he just armbars him for a while. Stonecold looks really weak trying to punch out so Orndorff shows him how to throw strikes as well. This guy is seriously green. His selling is weird too. He holds his arm behind his back like he’s being hammerlocked while Orndorff works a front facelock. What’s that about? Wouldn’t that hurt if he had a bad arm? Piledriver finishes in short order. ¼*. And the crowd goes mild. Seriously unimpressive outing. Although Orndorff couldn’t do much with what he was given.

PROMO TIME – Colonel Red comes out here to present his chat show; Colonel’s Corner. He refuses to interview Jimmy Valiant. If his name is Colonel Red why is he wearing a white suit? Fucking commie. Valiant comes out there and JESUS CHRIST, he looks older than dirt. Ivan Koloff saves the heel interviewer and we get a really lame pull apart. Lame because not one punch was thrown. Valiant looks about 100 years old.

Jake Steel v The Nightstalker

Nightstalker is Bryan Clark with a big axe. He’s an impressive physical specimen. Steel isn’t. His manly name is the only manly thing about him. He has Paul Heyman’s haircut for crying out loud. Nightstalker just beats him up and the gulf in appearance is enormous. He has the match won with a diving lariat but pulls Steel up on the cover. Chokeslam finishes. ¼*. Third straight jobber match. As you’d expect for the “Fury Hour”. At least this one seemed suitably one sided. As if it just existed to put Nightstalker over.

BACKSTAGE Bob Orton, with a ridiculous microphone, accuses Herb Abrams of favouritism with Paul Orndorff. He’s talking about not having to beat Orndorff to retain his title when he’s cut off.

Helmut Hessler w/Kevin Casey v Bob Orton

I fail to see the connection between the German wrestler and his American manager. Hessler has amateur head gear on. Orton comes out to the music to Bonanza, which I find quite amusing. He also looks really old. I guess Herb couldn’t get anyone in their prime what with the WWF & WCW being around. Hessler doesn’t seem to have the amateur skills to match his head gear. Tolos rants about how he likes professional wrestling because it’s all about men and slates “ping pong” for some reason. I think Casey cheats but the camera isn’t watching it. I can only guess because the crowd is going insane. They catch him waving his cane in the general direction of Orton but for some inexplicable reason doesn’t hit him. He just teases it three or four times and shouts at the crowd to shut up. Just fucking hit him. You’re the heel manager. It’s your job to cheat. He holds on to Orton for something illegal. The referee is too busy looking at the mat or something. Orton moves, the heels miscue and Orton rolls Hessler up for the pin. ¼*. That went longer than the other jobber matches but in terms of quality was a match for any of those bouts.

BACKSTAGE Jimmy Valiant cuts a promo that degenerates into him singing. He looks legitimately bonkers.

Ivan Koloff w/Colonel Red v Jimmy Valiant

This would be the main event of the Fury Hour. Valiant looks like an octogenarian Hulk Hogan. Look into your future Terry! He heads into the bleachers and starts hugging fans. IT’S STILL REAL TO ME DAMNIT! Valiant is busy having a sexy party with the audience. Colonel Red & Ivan Koloff look highly unimpressed. The heels try to use the cane but Valiant sees it coming and waffles Koloff with it. The opening moments of this remind me of some of the worst old guy wrestling that WCW put on. They’re trying to have a wild brawl but it’s a mess. At least Valiant is energetic but his stomp to the groin is particularly bad. Anyone can have a decent match. It’s all about the way you approach it. Stick to your strengths. Valiant’s seem to be looking completely nuts. Unfortunately Koloff’s isn’t his selling. Valiant walks around the ring like a crazy old man. Red doesn’t want any part of Valiant and jumps into the ring to get away from him. At least the crowd is into this. That’s about all the good to come from the match. Koloff’s offence is horrible. Valiant has a sleeper but Red runs in to bash him with the cane (every manager has a cane in this company) and that gets the pin. Erm, isn’t that a DQ? The referee was standing right there. What a fucking mess. DUD.

POST MATCH Herb Abrams comes out here to reverse the decision. Red promptly gives him a beating with the cane, which has to go down as the softest looking assault with a weapon in the history of wrestling. And I’ve seen Lance Storm’s chair shots.

The 411: A complete waste of time. It’s like the WWE releasing one episode of Heat on DVD. What’s the point? If you find this in a bargain bin in a supermarket in Melbourne then it might make quite an attractive coaster because the weird picture of Bryan Clark with his eyes missing would be a good talking point. Otherwise avoid.
Final Score:  2.5   [ Very Bad ]  legend

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