The High-Impact Chronicle 5.15.08

Firstly, yes, the column was a little long last week. Just trying to make a good impression on all you lovely folks! Or something a little less brown-nosing.

Secondly, I think the consensus as it stands on Sacrifice is “disappointing”, and I certainly can’t disagree with that. I wouldn’t go so far as to say the show was outright “bad”, but it definitely fell into the mediocre-to-average bracket. The relentless over-booking of the show, and whether or not that detracted from proceedings, has already been discussed by other commentators at length, so I won’t go into that, but there are a couple of other things that are worth highlighting. The first of these is the crowd, who were absolutely lame for my money. You can talk about how ten matches on the card wears a crowd out, but the Impact Zone wasn’t into the show from the outset, only rarely sparking to life throughout the PPV (the only times I really noticed their presence were during the high spots of the Terrordome match and LAX’s title win). By 2009 TNA really does need to have the vast majority, if not all, of its pay-per-views taken on the road, as the Impact Zone just feels to constrained at this point, and a hot crowd can turn a mediocre show into a decent show. The other thing worth mentioning is that the show feature some sloppy, sloppy wrestling. Barely a match went by without something or other being botched, with the worst culprits being AJ’s stylish springboard faceplant and Traci’s self-elimination from the battle royal, which brought back fond memories of Monty Brown. However, at the end of the night things didn’t look so bad – a strong title defense for Joe, another great showing from Kaz who earned his third heavyweight title shot on the show, LAX finally have the tag straps, and Roxxi Laveaux came out looking like an absolute hero. Anyway, onto the show!

The pre-show… and we get a rundown of Sacrifice, highlighting Booker’s heel turn, Roxxi’s shaving, LAX’s triumph and the main event finish. Kudos, incidentally, to a company that has a history of screwy main events – they introduced Petey Williams, Rick Steiner, Kevin Nash and Joe’s family into the mix and promptly kept them all the hell away from the actual match. The bookers get pissed on when they dare to use an interference-based finish, so they deserve equal plaudit for giving Joe a strong, clean victory.

“What’s up with Booker?”

Giving professional wrestling shows weekly episode titles is almost as bad as when they started giving Neighbours cheesy titles each week. Joe and Nash walk, and they’re all buddied up again after Joe’s temporary hissy fit on Sunday. We’re promised a big announcement from Joe, along with a Sting interview and “disturbing footage” of Abyss. I hope it’s not a voyeur-cam.

Joe makes his way out as the entire locker room is gathered by the ring. You know, that’s a pretty neat touch, usually all these so called “major announcements” are just delivered to camera. What if Elix Skipper is in the can backstage and can’t see a monitor? I’d hate to think of Primetime missing out on anything big. Tenay and West tell us Joe and Nash have settled their differences, which no doubt means that there’ll be some tension again before this week’s two hours are up. Oooh, Tomko is back! I hope his “injury” has healed. Chortle. Joe talks about King of the Mountain, and claims to have swayed Cornette into allowing him to pick four of the eight who’ll contest the KotM qualifiers. Joe pulls out a few scabby bits of paper that apparently hold Cornette’s four picks. Why ambassador, with these fishbowls and paper scraps you are really spoiling us. Joe reads… Robert Roode! Boooo. James Storm! A surprising number of cheers, he gets. Deservedly so, as he was the only entertaining part of the Deuces Wild quarter finals and still got punked out (again) by Sting. Tomko! Again, more cheers than boos. Matt Morgan! Some cheers. Joe picks his four next week, after some scouting for “bad-ass bitches”. Booker’s entrance music hits, and he complains about not getting an invite to the party. Joe doesn’t give a damn about Booker and eats a sucker punch for his troubles, but Rhino and Christian make the save. Booker issues a challenge, and I smell a six-man tag with Team 3D involved.

To the back… and JB interrupts a meeting between Angle and Frank Trigg, who pleasingly does look to have been hired. Angle talks about his neck, but JB is more concerned with AJ and Tomko. Turns out AJ isn’t at the arena, and Angle smells a rat. A love rat, that is! Hoho. Angle has prepared a speech for Karen and the whole world which gets read out later tonight.

To the back (again)… with Kaz, Jay Lethal and Sonjay. We have a six-man tag next with these three versus Rock & Rave and Johnny Devine. Kaz starts to talk but is distracted by tension between Jay and Sonjay. Lethal is concerned about something big… something “bigger than Bundy”. This man is gold.

The Rock n’ Rave Infection & Johnny Devine vs. Sonjay Dutt, Kaz and ‘Black Machismo’ Jay Lethal

I hate Hemme’s schtick, but I suppose that’s the point. Sonjay has apparently stopped taking collections in his tambourine now, more fool him. Dude was raking in twenty bucks a night. SoCal Val is now Jay’s valet proper, and Lethal has a mystery bag with him. Tacks? No, probably not.

Sonjay and Hoyt start, but Rave is immediately tagged in for a hip toss/dropkick double team, which gets two. Tag to Devine with some strikes, but Sonjay recovers with his daft corner pivot kick and springboards across to tag Lethal, who flies in and hits a dropkick on Devine. Off the ropes and a hip toss, but Hemme grabs Jay’s foot and Devine hits the chestbuster. Snap suplex and in comes Hoyt, who gets a BIG fallaway slam. Lethal must have rotated about 630 degrees there. That gets two, and Lethal dives through the big man’s legs to tag in Sonjay. Dutt backflips out of a chokeslam attempt (veeeery impressive) and hits a slow swinging DDT. Lethal in and a double team kick takes out Rave. Tag to Kaz, who hits the yakuza kick on Hoyt for the win. Short but sweet, especially for Kaz who managed to hit one solitary move.

After the match Lethal grabs the mic and invites Val into the ring. This better not be a marriage proposal. Ah shit, Lethal brings out a ring (the gold kind, not the canvas kind) and drops to a knee. The crowd likes it, though. Val: “Oooooh yeah”. The marriage is set for Slammiversary, and Sonjay is NOT a happy bunny. He looks like someone just offered him a fifty to rape his mother.

A video package… of Abyss’ history in TNA, which does a fair job at showing some of the ridiculous punishment the man has put himself through and teases a heel turn. The “disturbing footage” itself then airs, and is just Abyss sitting a strait-jacket in front of a black curtain, spazzing out a little. He claims to be addicted to pain in a voiceover, and has apparently had himself committed. But the doctors say he can go home soon! Well, that was anticlimactic.

To the back… and Lauren is with Joe and Nash. Is it just me or is that duo starting to sound like Siegfried and Roy, or Hall and Oates? Nash claims that he and Joe have a tight bond, and Joe is pissed off by Booker and accuses him of being a bitter old man. “Can you dig that, sucker!” Yeah, that can only be pulled off by a black man.

A video package… showing the history of Gail Kim and KONG’s ongoing feud for the Knockout title, which reminds of the surprisingly good matches the two had over the course of a few months until Gail got injured. This leads up to Gail cashing in her title shot earned at Sacrifice tonight, which is rather soon for my liking. Ah well, as long as they retain their chemistry it should still be good.

TNA Knockout Championship match: Gail Kim vs Awesome Kong ©

Tenay and West discuss Angelina Love’s role in Roxxi’s head shaving on Sunday, which turned her and Velvet Sky into über-heels. The crowd was shitting all over the shaving itself with a few “Fire Russo” chants breaking out, but I thought that was arguably the highlight of the show. Let’s face it, when did you last see any of these in a televised American promotion:

• A women’s hair match
• A women’s ladder match
• A woman busted open
• A face losing a hair match

The ladder match itself was pretty stiff, and Roxxi sold everything like a champ, which will probably lead to her becoming to the top women’s babyface in the company. Plus, she manages to look just as hot with a dyke’s haircut.

Lockup to start and they brawl to the ropes. Gail goes up top and jumps for a hurracanrana, but Kong is too strong/fat for that. Knees to Gail’s chest and an Awesome Bomb attempt, countered into a sunset flip but again Kong is too strong/fat and pulls up Gail by the hair… which Gail then reverses into a roll up for two. Nice sequence. Gail goes to the ropes and gets tripped by Saeed, which brings out ODB in a ridiculous red wooly hat. And, in fact, the rest of the Knockouts all seem to be heading to ringside, with Salinas trumping ODB in the daft headwear stakes with that sombrero she’s wearing. Because she’s Mexican! Or some form of Latin American. Hell, just dress Hector Guerrero up as a mariachi and have Hernandez bring a home made piñata to the ring, why don’t you. Kong chokes Kim with the boot and tosses her across the ring as we go to commercial.

We’re back as Kong hits a big slam on Gail. Whip to the corner and a charge, but Gail leaps the bull and attempts another rollup. It doesn’t work, of course, but she manages to lock in an armbar, which Kong powers out of by lifting Gail and dropping her over the ropes. Gail recovers but runs right into Kong’s valkyrie chest-bounce. Kong locks in the camel clutch, and by golly that weight has to hurt. Gail is still alive, though and fights back before eating a vicious club to the face. Awesome Bomb attempt, Gail flips out and botches an armdrag attempt, and Kong hits the Implant Buster. Never has a move been more aptly named than when Kong uses that against the other Knockouts. Kick out at two and a half, and Kong seems a little confused. Up top, but Kong misses the big splash and they’re both down. Outside the ring, the heels and faces have split into two camps. Gail hits several clotheslines and a codebreaker, then manages to take Kong down with a HARD spear. Kong kicks out and hits the spinning backfist, but Gail kicks out again. Kong is ENRAGED, but again GAIL fights out and hits Kong from the second rope, then goes back up top for a senton. Another close two count. Saeed goes onto the apron but gets pulled off by ODB as the knockouts begin to brawl. Another rollup from Gail gets two as Kong looks dazed. Gail up top again, but Angelina interferes and shoves her off. Awesome Bomb and that’s all. Gail plays up a knee injury after the bell.

Another great free TV match from these two, who could just feud all year and I’d be happy. Even the shenanigans outside the ring didn’t distract from the action, and the interference from Angelina actually served a purpose as Gail was looking stronger than ever before against Kong. Kong retains, challenger looks good and the third wheel heel gets even more devilish, what more do you need?

Tenay and West sell Gail’s injury some more as we get around seven replays of Kong’s finisher for some reason.

A video package… called “As the Angles Turn” manages to make the Kurt/Karen/AJ love triangle seem completely ridiculous, strips out any good that might have existed in the slow-building Angle/Styles feud, and manages to make all three look like complete goofs. Nice work, guys! Even the background music was horrible, like something out of an 80s motivational business video.

Kurt heads out to the ring, presumably to read his speech to Karen, and picks up a bunch of balloons on the way. Yeah, because if my spouse dumped me on national television and made his intentions as clear as Kurt has done, I’d be powerless to resist some inflatable rubber and a scripted apology. Kurt asks for the crowd’s support and requests some decorum in the Impact Zone. Boo-urns! Angle tells Karen that he prioritizes her beneath his gold medals and tells her that she needs to understand that, and says romance is for wussies. What a loverman. Big “you suck” chants as Kurt begs Karen to turn up next week COMMERCIAL BREAK. Yes, they actually cut Angle off mid-sentence. You have to hand it to Spike TV for making an already poor segment even worse.

To the back… and JB is with LAX and associates. No mariachi Hector, sadly. Could Homicide’s english be any more broken? “We are number one tag team of TNA champions!” He bigs up Hector, whose double stomp through the table to Johnny Devine on Sunday was indeed the stuff of legend. Hector claims LAX have started the revolution and wants the Latino Nation’s support. Christ, these guys dress like blind Muppets. Or is that the Mexican national dress?

Motor City Machine Guns vs. LAX

Non-title, I believe. Because who would want to see these two teams in a title match! Exactly.

Homicide and Shelley start out with the usual armlock/hip toss reversal sequence which segues into a chinlock, but they get bored after a few seconds and start throwing forearms. Shelley off the ropes but Homicide hits the belly-to-belly overhead. Homicide hits the rolling suplexes and tags in Hernandez for the backbreaker. Two count only, and Homicide comes back in with a headbutt to Shelley’s armpit. Now there’s some unique offence. Sabin manages to distract ‘Cide, and hits springboard dropkicks onto both Latinos. Tag in proper to Sabin who hits a tiny, tiny dropkick for a one count. Shelley back in and hits a big kneedrop for two. Sabin back in and the Guns hit a leapfrog to ‘Cide’s arm. Sabin goes to the apron and springboards right into a T-bone suplex, which allows Homicide to struggle out to the corner and tag Hernandez, who flies in with the diving double shoulder. Back drop to Sabin and a BIG cracker jack to Shelley. He tosses Sabin across the ring with the shirt and slams Shelley down. Man, I could watch him toss little blokes around the ring till the cows come home. Hernandez sets up for the border toss, but Sabin recovers and uses Shelley’s back to hit an enziguri. Double kicks and a double suplex attempt, but Hernandez reverses and suplexes both the Guns to hell. Homicide back in and they hit the Doomsday Gringo Cutter for the victory.

Another short but sweet affair, but by golly I’m fed up of seeing the Machine Guns lose matches. These two teams should be at the top of the division, and TNA only has that half right.

To the back… and JB asks Booker whether there’s something in the water. Like maybe concentrated heel-powder? I hope so, as Booker’s face persona has been way too bland since he joined TNA. And yes, Team 3D is here as well. Brother Ray shoves JB out of shot and hands the mic to Booker, who moans about disrespect for the “five time, five time, five time, five time, five time” WCW champion. I know some people complain about TNA dropping the names of other companies, but the fans aren’t idiots, they know WWE exists and hearing it mentioned on Impact isn’t going to change whether or not they watch either company’s programming. Unless the whole VKM angle is resurrected, that is. Booker claims to be the heir to the TNA throne, and Devon gets some mic time. Angry black man! Ah, that always works. Even Ray is wearing an AC/DC “Back in Black” t-shirt, which is a nice touch. Devon makes another reference to King Booker. Testify!

A video package… which looks to be the first in a series of Eric Young traveling through Memphis looking for Elvis Presley. Yeah, you heard that right. Annoyingly, despite the fact that this is pretty much a waste of time, I can’t condemn it as Young is pretty damn funny, hitching a ride with some random dude in a lucha mask and asking if he knows Super Eric. Unfortunately, the combined forces of Csonka and Lansdell have already made the Flying Elvises joke. Damn you!

Mike Tenay sits down with… Sting, who reflects on his early days and breaking into the business. Sting namechecks Warrior Warrior, believe it or not, and credits Jerry Jarrett for giving him his first break with the Blade Runners as Flash Borden. This only lasted a minute and was instantly compelling, more please!

To the back… and Lauren is with the Beautiful People. She is OFFENDED that they are so cold towards Roxxi. Lauren is actually progressing pretty nicely as a backstage personality, and after three or four weeks is already miles better than Shane Douglas ever was. Angelina and Velvet talk smack and threaten to shave Lauren’s head. My goodness, but Velvet Sky is mediocre on the mic.. Good job Angelina has enough charisma to make up for it. Hmm, actually, is anyone even paying attention to what they say?

The Beautiful People vs. ODB & Roxxi

No ‘Laveaux’ for Roxxi now apparently, and she has some better ring attire too. ODB’s new Titantron (or what ever the TNA equivalent term is, at least) has a hilarious slow motion shot of her slapping her ass.

The faces rush the ring and it breaks down straight away, as ODB hits a fallaway slam on Velvet and kips up. Tag in to Roxxi, who is already getting some good heat, and she hits another slam for the two count. Velvet tags in Angelina, who doesn’t even have to time to get in the ring before Roxxi yanks her over the ropes. Some big forearms from Roxxi but she misses a dropkick, and Angelina takes over with some ground n’ pound (not the pornographic kind). Angelina hits a dropkick as Tenay informs us Gail Kim has gone to hospital for an MRI. I hope The Todd is a surgeon at whatever hospital they go to. Love and Sky isolate Roxxi and hit the double elbow drop for two as Velvet is now legal. Chokes and a boot or two before Velvet climbs on to Roxxi’s shoulders for an armbar variant. Roxxi nearly makes the tag but Love runs across and knocks ODB off the apron. I was hoping ODB would be playing face-in-peril tonight, but there you go. Roxxi misses an enziguri but rolls out and manages to tag ODB, who dives in with a clothesline to Velvet and clears house with dropkicks and body slams. Running powerslam to Velvet but Angelina breaks up the pin. Roxxi in but she gets dropped face first to the corner. The ref checks on her as Angelina sneaks in with a big kick to ODB, and Velvet gets the rollup for the three count.

A rather uninspired match, which did little in itself, serving only to build the Roxxi/Beautiful People feud. Roxxi’s head looked absolutely sliced from the ladder shot she took on Sunday.

To the back… for Rhino and Christian’s reaction to Booker’s newfound attitude. Christian expresses surprise that anyone ever thought Booker was a good guy, and claims he has never respected The T. Can we call him “The T”? I may try and get that over as his new nickname. Cage calls The T a piece of shit (RACIAL~!) and Rhino threatens to drag Team 3D’s bodies down memory lane, which is a rather odd metaphor.

Team 3D & The T vs. Rhino, Christian Cage & Samoa Joe

I sense that “The T” isn’t going to stick, but stay with it folks, at least give it till the end of the column.

Mike Tenay: “Lauren hit it right on the head when she called this man, Booker T, the talk of TNA.”
Don West: “Well I tell you what, they say the squeaky wheel hits the grease.”

Apparently West is turning to surrealism for his analysis. Incidentally, there are fewer than ten minutes left on the running time for this week’s episode and we haven’t even had the good guys’ entrance yet.

Devon and Joe to start, but Joe immediately runs across and sucker punches The T. Devon uses the distraction to gain the advantage. Joe fights back with a leg lariat from the second rope; Booker breaks up the count but Rhino is swiftly in to take him out. It all breaks down to the outside as Christian hits that gorgeous crossbody from the top that has rapidly become a signature spot onto Brother Ray. Everyone brawls around the ringside area, and for some reason Ray attacks Hector Guerrero at the Spanish announce table as we go to commercial. So, last time 3D and LAX feuded Hector was costing LAX the titles. Fast forward a year and the roles are reversed without so much as a by-your-leave. Good job on the continuity there.

Back from the break and order is restored as Devon is beating down Rhino in the ring. Rhino fights back with some chops but gets choked out on the ropes as Ray reaches in for some cheap shots. Devon hits a running elbow for two and tags in Ray. Neckbreaker for two as Ray goes for a front facelock, which has absolutely no place in a ten-minute main event. Rhino powers out and off the ropes, but runs straight into a uranage. Joe breaks up the pin, and Ray tags in The T, whose offence thus far in his TNA run has been pretty uninspired. Hook kick for two an Devon is back in with shots to Rhino’s head. Another fast tag to Ray, and I sense we’re nearing the end of the face-in-peril portion of the match. Yep, Rhino manages to recover enough to hit a big spinebuster and eventually makes the tag to Joe, who murders Team 3D with forearm shots and hits a huge enziguri on Devon. He stares down The T and they go at it. Joe ducks a spin kick and hits a big kick of his own. T-bone suplex to Devon! Man, that takes power. Ray interrupts the count and it breaks down again. as the heels take control. Ray and Devon try for the 3D, but Joe holds onto the ropes and Christian hits a dropkick from out of nowhere to take out Ray. Joe and Devon left in the ring, and a snap powerslam from Joe gets… three? Wow, that was unexpected.

A decent if unspectacular match that was more about setting up Booker as a participant in the King of the Mountain match, and restarting the feud between LAX and Team 3D. It’s certainly good to see Joe starting to rack up a string of wins as champion.

Afterwards, Team 3D blows off the loss and charge across the arena to take out Hector Guerrero. The T holds off the faces with a chair as 3D pounds on Hector some more, and then the heels eventually turn tail and run, leaving Hector a bloody mess.

In closing…

It actually felt like we had some decent storyline progression this week. The build for Slammiversary and the King of the Mountain is underway, we have some entertaining feuds building between Joe/The T, 3D/LAX, Roxxi/Angelina & Velvet and Machismo/Sonjay. The in-ring action was all solid, with the women’s title match being the highlight. Thankfully the last few weeks of shenanigans don’t seem to have had a negative effect on the Knockout division, which again showed its strengths tonight. Joe continues to slowly build himself as a dominant champion, a build which takes time. Not a lot of people seem to realize this fact, and are already criticizing Joe for being an uninspired champion. Come on people, we’ve been clamoring to get the belt around his waist for years, at least give him a chance to run with the ball. Unfortunately, we did also get the return of that old TNA staple, the multiple one-minute vignettes that don’t really serve any purpose. Eric Young is a funny guy, but having him searching for Elvis isn’t the best way to utilize his comedic talents. The first installment of Sting’s apparently “shoot” interview was intriguing, but didn’t last long enough to have any relevance. The Abyss promo was amateurish at best, which is more than can be said for the abysmal attempt at furthering the storyline between Kurt Angle and AJ Styles, which was the worst thing I’ve seen on Impact since that horrendous “promo” from the Monsters of Rock a ways back. You know what, the two guys are fighting over a woman and they’re both kick-ass wrestlers. There’s your story, no need to pour on any extraneous gumph. That aside, if the build to Slammiversary continues in this vein next week and establishes some decent KotM contenders (my money’s on Kaz and The T to be included), things are already looking promising.