The Name on the Marquee: The WWF At Boston Garden (3.8.1986)

-Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes. Gorilla weirdly opens the show by saying that Jesse Ventura was supposed to be on commentary but nobody knows why he’s not in the building. Can’t decide if he’s joking or not.

SIVI AFI vs. RENE GOULET
-So they’ve already killed the “Snuka’s cousin” crock, with the Superfly nickname dumped and Afi now hailing from Samoa, not the Fiji Islands. You can tell they have big plans for this youngster because the scoreboard in the arena reads “Seva Afi.”

-Gorilla goes on the same tangent that he went on about MSG about how it doesn’t matter if Goulet’s glove is illegal because he hasn’t won a match in eight months. He also says that even with the illegal glove his Clawhold is meaningless tonight because he’s facing an opponent with a thick skull. Awesome, I don’t care about either of these guys now. Let’s watch another match.

-Side headlock by Afi. “Boring” chant and the guys actually take a hint from it and break up. Shoulderblock by Afi. Goulet goes for an atomic drop, but Afi counters with a side headlock so they didn’t learn anything. Sunset flip by Afi gets two and we’re back to the side headlock. Goulet rolls Afi over for a pinfall attempt and gets a three-count from that, so we pretend that didn’t happen and go back to the side headlock. Still nice to see that happen after years of Gorilla mentioning that you’ll never get a three-count from that. Oh, and Gorilla said NOTHING when the botch happened here.

-Goulet attacks the throat of Afi while Gorilla says that as a Polynesian, Afi has the same resilience as Peter Maivia. Goulet applies the clawhold and Gorilla goes on about how Afi’s shoulders are down but the referee’s not counting. Afi instead treats it like a sleeper and raises his arm on the third attempt. Goulet goes aerial and then applies the Clawhold again.

-They crash into each other on a double shoulderblock. Both men make it back to their feet and trade chops, and Afi wins that battle with ease. Atomic drop by Afi, followed by a backdrop, and a diving headbutt gets two, which surprises the crowd and me. Bodypress by Afi gets another two. He whips Goulet into the corner and heads to the top rope for another bodypress, and this time he gets the three-count. 0 for 1. Pretty lifeless stuff.

JAKE “The Snake” ROBERTS vs. JOSE LUIS RIVERA
-Wow, Jake hasn’t even debuted on TV yet! Jake’s arrival in the WWF is one of the funnier stories of 1986. Jake was in Mid-South Wrestling feuding with Dick Slater over the Television Title, and a sportswriter wrote that Jake was probably going to lose their match at an upcoming house show because he was leaving for the WWF soon, so Bill Watts changed the booking to give the title to Jake just to screw with the sportswriter. Jake finally dropped the belt eight days before this match.

-They jockey for position while Gorilla and Alfred notice the bag at ringside and speculate that Jake is carrying a dead snake, but they can’t figure out what good that would do him. Stomachbreaker by Jake, and he targets the ribs with a series of knees. Chinlock gives Gorilla and Lord Alfred Hayes an opening to talk about the Wrestlemania 2 battle royal and they make jokes about football players aren’t use to doing battle without plastic armor and helmets! Ha, joke’s on you, Gorilla! They have brain damage and die prematurely anyway!

-Test of strength goes Rivera’s way and he turns it into an armdrag. Jake tries to fight back with elbows, but he misses every one of them and Rivera seizes the opportunity and begins attacking the arm with everything move he can think of. Jake gets desperate and tries to get the bag, but Rivera manages to stop him from getting it. Gorilla and Alfred note that Jose has a bad tendency to get a string of victories every few months, but every time he starts climbing the ladder in the WWF, a rung breaks and Rivera hits all the other rungs on the way down. Very picturesque.

-Rivera is still attacking the arm and Jake is winding his way all over the ring trying to break it. He finally gets free with the short clothesline. Jake removes the wrist tape from his left arm to improve the circulation and alleviate the pain, and then he applies a “half-Japanese half-Australian sleeper.” Rivera won’t give up so Jake turns it into a chokehold in frustration, and Rivera is still alive, frustrating Jake so much that he just decks the guy with an uppercut.

-Rivera mounts a comeback with a backdrop and Jake goes outside to make Rivera chase him. It works and Jake drives a knee right into the jaw to daze him, and the DDT finishes. Post-match, Jake starts to untie the bag and pull something out, but the referee BEGS him not to, and Jake relents and decides not to open it. Not tonight, anyway. 0 for 2. This was actually shaping up to be something good, but it just went way, WAY too long.

CRUSH GIRLS vs. DONNA CHRISTIANELLO & JUDY MARTIN
-Insanity on commentary, as Gorilla knows that one is Lioness Asuka and one is Naguyo, but isn’t sure which is which (“I figured the one called Lioness would have longer hair”). So they actually wave Danny Davis over to the commentary table and tell him to find out which one is which, and Danny dutifully goes to the Crush Girls and asks them their names. I don’t give a shit about seeing Steamboat vs. Hart later in the night, this is instantly my favorite match of the card just for that.

-Hammerlock by Naguya; Christianello fights to her feet and Naguyo hangs onto the hammerlock and uses it to drive Donna into the mat. Everybody tags and Martin offers a test of strength but switches up and makes it a knee to the ribs. Judy stalls and stalls, and then we get some good old fashioned American cheating with the heels switching without tagging to choke and claw away at Lioness. Donna sticks her fingers in Lioness’ mouth and Gorilla says she’s “getting a handful of hair.” Man, what was going on in the locker room that night?

-Naguya tags in and Martin targets the legs. Lioness dropkicks Naguyo on top of Martin and the commentators are positive that’s the finish, but they don’t even try for it, and the heels go outside for a breather. Donna offers a handshake and suckers Lioness in so Martin can attack from behind. Lioness comes back with a drop toehold and Naguyo tags in, but falls victim to a Rougeau-style tandem backbreaker.

-Naguyo manages to apply a half-crab and Martin runs in with some wrist tape to break that with a chokehold. Naguyo desperately tries to make the tag but keeps getting cut off. Tremendous heel spot from Martin as she forces one arm down and stands on it, and then smacks her partner right in the face AND stares her down.

-Hot tag finally made and the Lioness applies a kind-of-a-sharpshooter. Crush Girls accidentally collide while trying to double-team Martin, but they shake it off and double-team her successfully the second time. They take turns dropping elbows on Martin, and Lioness does the GIANT SWING on Christianello, getting eight revolutions on it, and that gets the three-count. 1 for 3. Good but not anything special.

JIM “The Anvil” NEIDHART (with Jimmy Hart) vs. SCOTT MCGHEE
-Cheers drown out the boos for Neidhart during the intros. Gorilla notices, to his disdain, that Junkyard Dog smashed Jimmy Hart’s megaphone with a hammer, and Jimmy went out and got a new, bigger, louder one. “Jimmy Hart has an extra-powerful unit,” Gorilla says with disbelief.

-McGhee gets a sunset flip early on for two. Shoulderblock #1 goes nowhere. McGhee tries again and Neidhart launches McGhee over the top rope, and the table is SO cluttered with stuff tonight that it actually would have injured him pretty badly if he landed full-impact. Gorilla waves Jimmy over and Jimmy for a promo and Jimmy totally irritates him by revealing that his new megaphone has a siren attachment.

-Neidhart puts the boots to McGhee and attempts a suplex, but McGhee reverses the suplex and throws a series of punches. Irish whip is reversed by Neidhart and he follows through with a powerslam for three. Extended squash. 1 for 4.

BRET “Hit Man” HART vs. RICKY “The Dragon” STEAMBOAT

-There’s a background story to this one, as this match was originally booked for Wrestlemania 2, but Vince changed his mind and stuck Bret in the battle royal while Steamboat instead wrestled Hercules. Steamboat, however, was smart enough to notice that Bret had a shitload of talent and potential and personally requested this match to make it up to Hart.

-Bret attacks while Steamboat still has his entrance gear on and takes him down with punches and a headbutt. Irish whip is reversed by Steamboat and Bret does his usual awesome sell from that. Steamboat is PISSED and Bret looks terrified, and Steamboat just unleashes a series of shots between the eyes and a fistdrop by Steamboat. Armbar by Steamboat. He drops a series of chops to work the arm further, then lifts Bret up and drops him down for more damage. He sends Bret shoulder-first into the turnbuckles. Bret tries to get something going by sending Steamboat into the ropes, but gets armdragged down and it’s back to the armbar. Perfectly timed camera work gives us a close-up of Jimmy Hart yammering on his megaphone, followed by a shot of Steamboat yelling “Shut up!”

-Bret fights out of the armbar and blocks a few hiptoss attempts, but the third time is the charm for Steamboat. Armdrag and we’re right back to the armbar. He switches to a wristlock. Bret punches free and tries an atomic drop, but Steamboat rolls out of it and drops Bret with a crescent kick. Steamboat goes for a backdrop, but Bret counters with a neckbreaker. He drops the leg and pauses to celebrate.

-Headbutt by Bret and a boot to the midsection. Shot to the gut by the Hit Man and Steamboat tumbles out to the floor in pain. Right hands by Bret and he suplexes Steamboat back in for a two-count. Side headlock by Bret as a “Steamboat” chant erupts in Boston. Steamboat chops his way out and tries to slam Bret, but collapses and Bret lands on top for two. Slam by Steamboat and both men are out of gas and recover for a moment. Dragon recovers and tries a splash, but Bret raises the knees. Bret puts the boots to him and sends him to the floor. Neat touch by Steamboat, who sells being dazed by the punishment by hanging onto the bottom rope like he’s trying to skin the cat, but he’s in the wrong position and too hurt to actually do anything.

-Bret goes out and slams him on the floor. Back in, he tries to finish but Steamboat kicks out at two. Backbreaker by Bret and he heads to the second rope and tries to drop the elbow, but Steamboat rolls out of the way. Chops by Steamboat get two. Back suplex gets two. More shots between the eyes get two. More chopping by Steamboat. Irish whip reversals eventually send Steamboat crashing into the referee. Bret clotheslines him down and gets a visual three-count, but the referee’s out cold. Bret wakes him up and nails Steamboat with a flying bodypress, but Steamboat rolls through and lands on top to pin Bret. 2 for 5, like you had to ask. This was a guy who needed an opportunity and a generous opponent who was happy to give it to him.

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: RANDY “Macho Man” SAVAGE (with Elizabeth) vs. TITO SANTANA
-Savage stalls until sunrise and Tito gets fed up and chases him around ringside. He actually keeps up and gets his hands on Savage and tosses him over the barricade and into the fans. Tito forces him into the ring and stomps a divot into Savage’s forehead, then atomic drops him over the top and onto the floor.

-Tito goes right outside and connects with an elbow from the apron, not giving Savage any chance at taking a breather. Back inside, Savage gets a handful of tights and uses it to launch Tito out to the floor. Back in, Savage connects with a top rope axehandle for two. Savage wants to end it as fast as possible, so we get a series of spots where Savage connects with a single move and then immediately goes for the pin, but he can only get two-count after two-count after two-count.

-Savage comes back with an atomic drop out of nowhere to make his comeback. Flying forearm connects and that looks like it’s the finish, but Tito gets greedy and goes for the figure four and Savage squirms out and makes it to the floor. Tito gets into an argument with Danny Davis and out of frustration, he throws Davis to the mat, and Davis calls for the bell and disqualifies Tito, allowing Savage to complain. Tito and Danny have a major argument in the ring after the bell, but Danny’s clearly in the right on this one. 3 for 6. FABULOUS match with both men telling unique stories. Savage did not want Tito get another shot at him and searched for every loophole and shortcut he could find to just get it overwith. Tito, for his end, could have won the match and had openings to finish it, but he ended up being his own worst enemy and in the end, his temper cost him the gold.

VELVET MCINTYRE & DAWN MARIE vs. DEVILS OF JAPAN
-Velvet is just a weird case of a woman who was far more over than any of the women that they wanted to push post-Richter, and for some reason they wouldn’t do anything with her. Dawn Marie is not the one you’re thinking of. Devils of Japan are Bull Nakano (totally unrecognizable here) and Dump Matsumoto, whose name delights Lord Alfred.

-Velvet and Bull trade arm wringers and Velvet gets the better end of that battle. Devils trade off on Dawn Marie without tagging. Dawn Marie throws a series of punches that are no-sold by Dump. Sudden thought: Giving Dump a run as a valet for Duke “The Dumpster” Droese and having them feud with Bam-Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon in 1994 would have…well, it would have been possible, that’s for sure.

-Velvet bodypresses Bull for two and Gorilla keeps referring to Dump as “The Dump,” which sounds just awesome. The Dump walks all over Dawn Marie’s stomach, or “throat” according to Gorilla, and slams her down. Velvet tags in and fights off both opponents to zero reaction. Victory roll on Bull gets three. 4 for 7. Decent match, but a very American ladies’ match with a lot of basics and no real high spots.

CORPORAL KIRCHNER vs. CANADA’S GREATEST ATHLETE
-Iron Mike immediately begins throwing punches, but Kirchner reverses an Irish whip and monkeyflips the Iron one. Series of dropkicks sends Mike out of the ring and he does a Kramer tumble into the barricades, toppling one of them.

-They fight for a test of strength as Gorilla hypes Wrestlemania 2 by saying it’s the first time in wrestling history that a title match has happened in a steel cage. God bless Lord Alfred, even he doesn’t go along with that, but does mention that because of Bundy’s immense size, the WWF is building a new and specially reinforced steel cage.

-Test of strength goes Iron Milke’s way. Kirchner boots out of it and suplexes him. Gorilla regales the viewing audience with shoot stories about Iron Mike’s legendary obsession with hygiene, including the night that he was in the third match on the card and still in the shower when everybody left for the night.

-Iron Mike gets aggressive, taking Kirchner out to the floor and whipping him into the barricade, which topples again, but it’s a million times more impressive because of the noise it makes when Kirchner hits it. It seriously sounds like the bump may have killed him.

-Back in, Kirchner goes for a clothesline with his loaded forearm brace, but Kirchner ducks it and hits a bodypress for two. Cradle gets two more. Iron Mike loads the forearm brace with something, but Kirchner grabs Iron Mike’s forearm before it can make contact, and knocks Mike out cold with Stop Hitting Yourself to get the three-count. 5 for 8. THIS DIDN’T SUCK!

TED ARCIDI vs. BARRY O
–THIS DID! 5 for 9.

HULK HOGAN & JUNKYARD DOG vs. TERRY & HOSS FUNK (with Jimmy Hart)
-Funks pick a fight with Gorilla Monsoon and Gorilla is ready to throw down, so they back off. Crowd reaction for the faces is just staggering.

-Funks take turns doing cartoon bumps to get the crowd warmed up, like they need it. Terry charges at JYD and ends up hitting the post. He fights back with a headbutt and hurts himself because JYD is black. Normally, one headbutt is enough for that spot, but it’s Terry Funk, so he headbutts JYD 183 times before giving up and tagging out. Hoss bounces off the ropes while JYD just stares at him, looking disappointed.

-Hulk tags in and Hoss targets the injured ribs on an Irish whip, but JYD sticks his arm in and absorbs the blow to protect his friend. Hoss tries it again and Terry goes to the corner to keep JYD from getting over there, but all that means is that Hulk crashes into Terry, which didn’t occur to him. Terry throw a tantrum on the floor about the mistake and does a Heenan-like slip and slide through the camera cables at ringside.

-Funks take turns getting bodyslammed by Hulk and go to the floor again. Hulk gets fed up with waiting and goes outside, but Terry love taps him with a chair and then drives the branding iron into Hulk’s ribs and he’s in trouble. Funny remark by Lord Alfred, noting that this could spell trouble “for Terry…er, Hulk, I mean.”

-Hulk tags in the Dog, who quickly gets himself into trouble. Hoss comes in without making a legal tag, but Danny Davis lets him in anyway and Hoss lays into the Dog. Hulk tries to come to the rescue and Davis forces him back out while the Funks gang up on the Dog. I cannot decide if they were building Danny Davis up this early or if it just happens that he’s the guy doing every “incompetent referee” spot in the book tonight.

-Hot tag to Hulk and he cleans house until Hoss drives a knee into the ribs. Terry chokes him out with some tape while Danny Davis puts the Dog out. JYD gets fed up and just attacks the Funks anyway, Danny Davis be damned. Spot that could NEVER be done today sees the Funks grab a rope and attempt to lynch JYD, but Hulk sneaks in with a clothesline and pins Terry, the illegal man, immediately. 6 for 10. After the way they built JYD/ Funks, I honestly think “comedy match” was the totally wrong direction, but the Funks still managed to pull something watchable out of this.

6.5

The final score: review Average

The 411

The crap isn't SO bad, Steamboat/Hart and the title match are definite gems, and the main event is pretty fun. Thumbs up for this go-round.