The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (10.26.1985)

-Originally aired October 26, 1985.

-Your hosts are Vinny the Mac and the Abruzzi Kid.

UNCLE ELMER & COUSIN JUNIOR (with Hillbilly Jim) vs. MR. X & JOHN RIZZO
-X sends Junior into the ropes and lays down, and Junior just comes to a full stop instead of running and stomps on X’s back. Junior waves his ass at X and X is so pissed he charges, and Junior anticipates and sweeps his leg. Rizzo tags in and promptly gets knocked down by Uncle Elmer, and Junior finishes right away with a sitdown splash. Vince, just way too into the hillbillies, lets out a “YEEEEEEEEHAWWWWW!”

UPDATE
-Lord Alfred Hayes promotes the Wrestling Classic, coming up on November 7 in Illinois’ “Windy City,” Chicago. That’s such a weird way to say it. Alfred runs down the list of participants in the tournament, but not their matches, because those won’t be announced until the start of the event. Of note: The Missing Link is one of the announced participants, but Moondog Spot would end up filling his, uh, spot. Hayes announces that the card will also include a title match pitting Hulk Hogan against #1 contender Rowdy Roddy Piper.

TERRY FUNK (with Jimmy Hart) vs. RON D
-They should have formed some sort of faction with Ron D, Barry O, Sal G, and Mr. X called the Lettermen. It would have been a Varsity Club-style thing, except it would have been stupid and wouldn’t have made any money, but they still should have tried it. And then brought them back 20 years later for the nostalgia pop at Wrestlemania, with the big payoff being that their new female valet is Mr. F from “Arrested Development.”

-D slams Funk right away, but gets distracted by Jimmy Hart and chases him on the floor, allowing Funk to make a sneak attack. Funk brings him back in the ring and tosses him on the floor. Somebody tosses a soda at Jimmy Hart and every bit of it makes contact and totally soaks him, which pops the crowd but Jimmy wisely no-sells it.

-Back in the ring, Funk rolls up Ron D for the Ron-Three. After the bell, Funk gets the branding iron and instead of branding him, Funk uses the iron Bossman-style and beats on Ron D, and keeps beating on him and beating on him, and the referee has finally had enough and raises Ron D’s hand, reversing the decision. I guess you can call him Ron DQ now.

-Gene Okerlund mentions that the Wrestling Classic is taking place in Chicago and introduces a special guest, Lanny Poffo, who is not on the card but lives in driving distance of Chicago. Lanny reads a poem about Mean Gene and then says that he’s having a lot of fun wrestling in tag team matches lately.

TITO SANTANA & DAVID SAMMARTINO vs. MOONDOG SPOT & DAVE BARBIE
-David might as well change his name to Mirthalda Salinas, because he’s an anchor tied to a Hispanic partner. Keep reading, this recap will include snarky comments that are accessible to readers outside of Los Angeles, too.

-David starts hot, reversing Spot’s Irish whip and backdropping him. Barbie tags in and falls victim to an Italian German suplex. Tito works the arm and then tags David back in for a double elbow. Suplex by David gets two. Bruno runs down David’s powerlifting credentials while the Powers of Pleasantly Bland work the arm of Dave Barbie.

-Spot tags in and catches David in a backbreaker. Barbie tags back in and stupidly backs David into his own corner. Tito rams the jobbers into each other, and David powerslams Dave for the three-count.

-Gene Okerlund brings in Johnny Valiant and the reigning Tag Team Champions. Gene Okerlund asks about the lit cigar that was used in the Philadelphia Spectrum to capture the belt. Johnny accuses Gene of having a “Smokey the Bear fixation” and says that when the smoke cleared, the better team won. Beefcake actually finally talks, saying that in San Francisco, they respect the champions and they get the red carpet rolled out for them every time.

-The new 1986 WWF Calendar is on sale. Wow…Windi Richter is wearing the highest-cut tights I have ever seen, which makes me think that she was the photo for September in this 1986 calendar, since Labor Day came early.

BRUTUS BEEFCAKE & GREG “The Hammer” VALENTINE (Tag Team Champions, with Luscious Johnny Valiant) vs. PAUL ROMA & SCOTT MCGHEE
-Fan’s sign: “Beefcake’s Favorite Pastime is Trying on New Armwear.”

-Series of dropkicks by Roma to start, but he gets greedy and Valentine finally ducks one, so Roma crashes and Beefcake tags in. Beefcake puts the boots to Roma and in comes Scott McGhee. McGhee trades punches with Valentine and wins decisively, with Valentine selling the punches so hard that he’s giving himself whiplash.

-Roma tags back in and the champs are ready for him. Beefcake connects with forearms and Valentine works the leg. Figure four finishes, to a bit of a pop.

PIPER’S PIT
-Piper’s guest is Quickdraw Rick McGraw. Piper says that it’s a change of pace to feature mediocre wrestlers on the Pit instead of stars. McGraw bravely snatches the mic out of Piper’s hand and makes fun of him for wearing a dress. Piper snatches the microphone back and tries to hurl an insult at McGraw, but he’s so surprised and flustered by McGraw’s attitude that he’s stuck for words. McGraw seizes the moment and tells Piper he’s a coward because he never wrestles on television. Piper asks if McGraw is issuing a challenge, and McGraw says he wants Piper have an entire week to think about something…then gives Piper a hard slap across the face and walks away. Great angle!

KING TONGA vs. RUSTY BROOKS
-Tonga has to work a little harder to get great big Rusty Brooks off his feet, but eventually he does it. They trade forearms pretty evenly. Tonga switches to kicks and chops and gets firm control that way. Bodyslam by Tonga, and the bodypress from the top finishes.

-Enter the Wrestling Classic Sweepstakes!

“Mister Wonderful” PAUL ORNDORFF & THE KILLER BEES vs. BARRY O & THE HART FOUNDATION (with Jimmy Hart)
-Vince notes that the Bees and the Harts are among the top ten tag teams in the WWF rankings today. Good god, look at the tag team division in 1985 and try to figure out what #10 would even be on that list. Tony Garea and Whoever Drew the Short Straw This Week are hot on the trail of Steve Lombardi and Dave Stoudimiere.

-O gets his A kicked by the B’s but keeps kicking out at two. Brunzell gets caught in the heel corner and falls victim to a move similar to the Decapitator except that Barry isn’t strong enough to hold him. Double-teaming gets out of hand and all six men wind up brawling in one corner, until Paul Orndorff just gets pissed and chases Jimmy Hart under the ring. Hilarious added touch by Jimmy: He changed his clothes after the last match but didn’t dry off, so he’s in a new outfit but still soaking wet.

-Orndorff beats on Barry O and a cute poetic finish sees the faces win with a more impressive version of the Hart Attack, where Orndorff holds O wayyyyy up in the air and Brunzell miraculously jumps high enough to connect with a dropkick to get the three count.

-Gene Okerlund hypes the Wrestling Classic and says that it will be a single-elimination tournament, and helpfully clarifies that a tournament is different from a battle royal. Savage brings up a tiny garbage can and says that “Lucky Tito” should consider himself lucky because he’ll still have his belt after Savage beats him in the Wrestling Classic. Savage pulls a towel out of the garbage and drapes it over Gene’s face, telling him to give it to Tito so he can cry into it. Elizabeth is already getting the champagne ready for the post-Classic celebration.

The 411: I actually liked it just for the weird, different stuff that the jobbers got to do this week; cutting promos, teaming up with stars, getting a DQ win that does no harm to the established guy but pops the crap out of the crowd. Fun to watch.
Final Score:  6.2   [ Average ]