wrestling / Columns

The One-Liner Review: WWE Roadblock 2016

December 19, 2016 | Posted by Mike Hammerlock
Neville

The IWC is filled with snowflake ratings and recaps for big WWE events … but that’s a lot of work. This isn’t one of those columns. What follows is one line (or so) about every wrestler or team who worked WWE Roadblock. These are the stray thoughts and pointless musings that filled one lazy man’s mind while watching the event.

Rusev – First all he wants is to get out of the ring, then all he wants is to get back into it. Make up your Bulgarian mind.

Big Cass – You may not be able to teach seven feet tall, but you could maybe run a few suicides to prevent getting counted out.

Sheamus – OMG, apparently his skin is the most reflective surface in the universe.

Cesaro – Weird how possibly being the greatest professional wrestler alive can get a guy over.

New Day – All great things come to an end. Next goal, hold the Universal, U.S. and Cruiserweight belts simultaneously.

Braun Strowman – Has the acting chops of the immortal 1970s movie/TV heavy H.B Haggerty (Billy Kiss from The Big Brawl, Tigerman from Buck Rogers in the 25th in the 25th Century). I tell you, he’s so bad he’s brilliant.

Sami Zayn – Hooray, he didn’t die. Talk about momentum.

Towels and scarves – Cloth items are getting very little respect at this show.

Seth Rollins – He’s a post-finisher wrestler. Hit a blockbuster, Falcon Arrow and frog splash before ending the match with a pedigree.

Chris Jericho – Owens should have known Jericho wasn’t going to answer his changing room door when the New York Rangers were playing. Dude’s dad played for that team. Knocking was a violation of Canadian etiquette.

Pittsburgh – Gives no fucks about cruiserweights.

Brian Kendrick – Did he execute so much as a single wrestling-type move in that entire match?

T.J. Perkins – Gave a rope break on his knee bar finisher in a match with no rope breaks. Makes you wonder if he also has to remember to inhale and exhale.

Rich Swann – Seems like a nice guy, but anyone who smiles that much when they’re fighting is a psychopath.

Neville – Made the entire cruiserweight division look like jobbers in about 30 seconds. I get the feeling Vince McMahon is going to make it a point to emphasize the best cruiserweights in the world are WWE superstars and not Cruiserweight Classic indie darlings.

Clocks – Between the 10-minute time limit in the Zayn-Strowman match, the 30-minute Iron Woman match and Cesaro winning a tag belt, Roadblock had to be crazy over in Switzerland.

Charlotte – I like the idea of a protected heel. When she finally loses at a PPV, it’s going to feel big. Yet WWE fans clearly don’t get what’s up with that.

Sasha Banks – Should have gone all Abdullah the Butcher once she got that nose gusher.

Pittsburgh Part 2 – Hates it some Roman Reigns. Maybe it’s because he’s not a Pisces.

Kevin Owens – Hit Roman Reigns with more frog splashes than Kermit the Frog on Miss Piggy.

Roman Reigns – Great, does this mean he’s going to be in the Royal Rumble again? I wonder what kind of crowd reaction he’ll get.

Rangers win in OT – Freeing up Jericho to rush to the ring to save Owens’ bacon.

Spanish Announcers’ Table – Was feeling all high and mighty when the German announce table got wiped out in the Universal Championship match (shout out to German engineering, it took two frog splashes to cave-in the table) and the night was technically over. Yet Rollins and Reigns just had to have themselves a mini Shield reunion. Mierda.