The RAW Deal 08.16.04

I don’t know about y’all, but I’m pretty cool with Randy Orton being world champ. The little things he does to make the matches interesting just make my god damn day, and his moveset is improving – you can’t tell me that gutwrench neckbreaker on Benoit last night didn’t rock the house all over. Sure the match wasn’t great, but that’s good… it means there’s nowhere to go but up for the guy. Overall, the PPV last night came off as good but not great, with the best finish being Kane’s Top-Rope Chokeslam to Matt Hardy, and the best match being, undisputably, Angle/Guerrero II.

Raw starts off with Lillian introducing The Youngest World Champion in WWE History, who actually managed to get on the front page of the Toronto Sun. Of note, they only showed the picture of Orton, and not how large it was in relation to the rest of the print… it could’ve been a diddly little 3 inch corner inset. I must admit, with that tie, he does look every bit the champion. It’s too bad Will Cooling isn’t here anymore, to give an accurate description of how handsome he is. All I can really say is “well, he’s better looking than me.”

The champion doesn’t seem too fazed by the adulation the crowd is giving him, and pulls the “you didn’t believe in me” speech. Well champ, everyone did believe in you. More than just Lawler. Orton calls his fellow 24 year olds to attention, to point out how much better he is than all of them. I figure I’ve got five years… I’ve still got some time. A slick video package wastes a little more time, until Benoit comes out to declare that Orton’s first title defense will be against him due to the contract rematch clause, and that match is going to be tonight. Good to get that out of the way, since the match last night ended on a note of respect so the feud doesn’t have any legs.

All or Nothing: Sylvain Grenier w/Robierre Conway vs. Rhyno w/Tajiri
Rhyno wins, gets a tag title shot with his li’l buddy. Grenier wins, that team will never ever get a tag title shot. Way to telegraph the ending, bookerman! Conway takes Tajiri out, so Rhyno is on his own. Predictably, the match is a clusterfuck as Rhyno isn’t good unless he’s dominating someone, and Sly just isn’t good. Conway distracts the referee, at the same time as Tajiri miraculously recovers. He prevents Grenier from using the French flag against Rhyno and gets a Poison Mist in. The blinded Francophone walks into a Goar, and that’s the end of the story. Pretty bad match, but it served a good purpose and I’m really looking forward to Team Hardcore’s title shot.
Winner: Rhyno

Kane invites us all to his wedding next week, live on Raw. Really rushing things, aren’t they? I can’t believe it’s been almost five years since we saw the same wedding. Only this time, Test won’t be the cuckold, he’ll be the mastermind. What? You doubt that this is all the sinister machinations of the former Motley Crue bodyguard? You, dear reader, are just naпve.

Backstage, the Raw diva heel squad is throwing a bridal shower for Lita. From where I’m standing, that’s kinda awesome, so maybe Ashish will fire me. Molly scores with the prophylactics, Gail Kim has a digitally altered picture of the baby and Jazz has a big red dildo. It’s low class, but it’s still funny. You can’t tell me dildos aren’t funny. Lita storms off, and Victoria walks into the scene to bitch-slap Trish.

A video package details the imminent return of Shawn Michaels at Unforgiven. Fuck him, where are Christian and Shelton Benjamin?

Ladies: Gail Kim vs. Victoria
Gail may have been a little green when they rushed her in last year, but she’s advanced by leaps and bounds so that, now, she should actually be concerned to be a decent Cruiserweight. She also wins huge points with me for using the headscissors armbar, which fucking rocks. Who invented that anyway? Victoria wins, predictably, after a decent match. Gail skedaddles right away in time for Trish and Tyson Tomko to attack her, and once again Steven Richards makes the save… in drag. It’s amazing that Jim Ross doesn’t realize how insulting it is to the audience when he plays dumb about who it is, as if it isn’t extremely obvious to anyone outside of Tennessee (sorry to any natives of the state, but your own country has declared the whole region to be handicapped).
Winner: Victoria

Intercontinental Title: Edge vs. Kane
As if it didn’t suck enough at Backlash, eh? Apparently this is Bischoff’s wedding gift to Kane. Lawler tries to validate the wedding by saying Entertainment Tonight will be there, which tells you exactly how far removed from reality the man is. Somebody should tell Edge that his red tights look of ass. The champ takes the technical route by working Kane’s leg, but it all looks pretty feeble… like when you shootfight somebody whose knowledge of submission holds was gleaned from Dead or Alive 3. Lita comes out to ringside, as we cut to commercial.
We return to the suck, and Edge is getting stronger support than usual because everyone is so sick of Kane. The action is all really tepid, which painfully exposes Edge’s weaknesses, the guy just doesn’t have a good command of the ring. Kane gets the upper hand after a ref bump, so Lita distracts him long enough for Edge to ready himself for a Spear. Kane dodges that though, and it looks like he’s got it won after a Chokeslam but Matt Hardy makes the run-in and delivers a Twist of Fate. Edge revives the ref and gets a Spear for the win. Good… it’s over.
Interference: Matt Hardy, Lita
Winner: Edge

Post-match, Kane drags Lita into the ring and makes some allusions toward rough sex. He’s not mad at her though, because the wedding is now set in (brim)stone. More sex talk gets him a slap. Kill me now. No wonder they’re setting record low ratings for this millennium.

The announcers tell us that Batista will face Jericho later. Then we cut to the Coach, who is dealing with the Diva contestants. They have all been given the opportunity to pick Michelle says she would vote off Carmella, who was suspiciously absent from the Divas Dodgeball atrocity last night, because she’s not really into the whole contest. Christy also votes Carmella off. Maria picks her too… my penis is very sad for her future. Tracie votes her off as well. Carmella picks Joy, because of her family commitments. Amy votes Carmella off as well, for the same reasons as everybody else, but she’s a little vicious about it. She actually explains that Carmella no-showed Diva Dodgeball, which is more than the WWE was willing to tell us. Joy, shocking no one, picks Carmella. The audience, however, has chosen to vote off Michelle. Kind of surprising to me, since she won Diva Dodgeball for her team and was pretty hot. Given the very solid reasoning the other contestants gave for booting Carmella off, I would not be surprised a bit if she just quit outright in the next week. Don’t leave, Carmella! I’ve got a present for you in my pants, and I assure you it’s not a toaster.

I don’t know if Mark Lloyd hypes up upcoming house shows for American audiences, but he does for Canadian events on TSN twice each week and ten seconds into every segment, I’m ready to find out if he can catch a bullet in his teeth, like that magician.

Batista w/Ric Flair vs. Chris Jericho
Good stuff here, nothing unspectacular but nothing bad worth noting. It’s not all Jericho either, because Batista can really hold his own. Flair, of course, is a dick on the outside, and Jericho goes to get rid of him but gets a low blow for his troubles. The referee calls the match, so the Evolution members begin to beat Jericho down. Edge comes out to make the save, but decides against it and walks away. Heel turns are so much better when they’re sudden. The match was going somewhere before it got John Wayne Bobbitted.
Winner: Chris Jericho via DQ

The final six do their little bikini dance. Carmella doesn’t even dance anymore. She’s so finished. My new favorite is totally Amy.

Triple H gives Orton a title defense pep-talk. He builds up the champ as a defier of all odds who got an incredible chance, that “most guys would give their arm for.” Sorry Trip, but a guy with one arm would have no chance of winning. Hunter affirms that Evolution has Orton’s back.

World Title: Randy Orton vs. Chris Benoit
Benoit opens up a can of violence on Orton, and it has a metallic bitter aftertaste. The champ starts to cook under the heat of Benoit’s onslaught, and he looks a little raw. Oy gevalt, that’s going nowhere. Last night after the first match, I defended it by saying “well it would’ve been a great match if it had been on Raw,” but it looks like the rematch on Raw is nowhere near even the quality of the original. WWE’s new paint-by-numbers overall match design may be beneficial to less gifted wrestlers, but it just retards Benoit’s style. Speaking of retards, tonight’s show was thankfully devoid of Eugene, and his “uncle” Eric Bischoff was nowhere to be seen.
Back from the break, and the intensity has picked up a bit but it’s still nothing spectacular. Lawler’s commentary actually does its job and enriches the match, with his whimsical reiteration of old Viking values, claiming that Randy’s prize for winning the match will be “wine, women and song.” The match is going nowhere until Orton hits that awesome gutwrench neckbreaker, which is way more impressive looking than the RKO. Match turns into standard ain event fare, with various signature moves being exchanged. I think Orton even tried a Frogsplash, but it looked mighty atrocious. Benoit has it won with the Crossface when Ric Flair and Triple H sidle down to the ring, distracting him. This allows Orton to land the RKO for his first title retention.
Interference: Ric Flair, Triple H
Winner: Randy Orton

Evolution ends the show by carting Randy around on Batista’s shoulders, in a subtle nod to Mick Foley being hoisted on the shoulders of D-X after winning his first title. Hunter then has Batista backdrop the champ, and unloads the fists on his protйgй. Instant face turn to Orton, and pretty well done. Hunter clocks the champ with his own belt, busting Orton wide open. It had to happen sometime, and I’m glad they did it right away rather than dick around for months until the obvious turn.