The RAW Deal 08.23.04

I’ll start this week with a call to all my fellow 411 Wrestling writers (who, admittedly, do a whole lot more for the site on average): Please stop writing about Randy fucking Orton. Nothing is more boring than fifty articles about the same subject, however well-written they may be. There are many other current events you can talk about , or hell, why not write about something totally obscure but no less interesting? Challenge yourselves, dudes. I know y’all can do better.

After a recap of the Evolution turn last week, tonight wedding angle and the potentially awesome IC title match between Edge and Jericho are announced. The Coach then gets things rolling right off the bat with the Diva Search, and Tracie is cut. Thank shit for that, she was annoying. Carmella gets huge boos. If she wins, she has a great heel character to work off of…. Sadly, she seems to have the personality of beechwood as of yet. The Coach invites the women to spend five minutes talking about how great he is, but everyone’s hero the Rock comes in, and thank the lord! He ejects the Coach, and takes over the segment.

Maria totally wants his shit, right off the bat. As usual, Lillian gets ribbed with a sperm joke. Rock tries to get over the fact that Carmella is hated by the other girls, and draws a parallel to himself. If that’s not the definition of favoritism, I’ve got a learning disability and need to get that shit checked out. Thankfully, Rocky points out how lame some of the back segments have been, and insinuates towards pie-eating. This leads towards Tajiri bringing out some pies for a pie-eating contest. “Who likes strudel? *audience cheers* One dude!” I’m loving this shit. “Tajiri, what’s your favorite kind of pie? Dumbass says sushi. C’mon Tajiri!” “Puntan!” “I’ve never heard of puntan pie.”

Joy challenges Carmella to a match. What the hell, don’t be such an idiot. Amy licks that pie like a champ. Damn. Carmella slathers her tits in whip cream, and flirts with Tajiri. Glad to see her stepping up to the plate. Maria manages to get some on her nose using her tongue. Sakank! Christy sits in the pie. Please, nobody vote for her, she’s scaring me.

Coach comes back out with La Resistance, and challenges Rock to a fight. So that’s why Tajiri is there… aside from the comic brilliance. Rock gets beat down to start, but Rhyno and Tajiri make the save and run the champs off. Rock then lays the Coach out and delivers a People’s Elbow. That’s how they should’ve been doing the diva search all along.

Kane arrives with a clothing bag, reminding me that no matter how good the buildup of the show is, the ending will be infinite in its suckitude.

For some reason, the video package that aired before the show started is re-aired, a clear indicator of another 20-minute promo to come. When you consider that this is going to end on a wedding ceremony, there is guaranteed to be twice as much talk-time as wrestle-time on this show.

Batista returns to the Evolution locker room from delivering a mystery ultimatum to Randy. Hunter and Flair cryptically discuss its implications.

Kane arrives in Lita’s locker room, guaranteeing bad luck. He reveals that the contents of his bag are not a tuxedo, but are in fact a white wedding dress for Lita, openly contradicting Kane’s earlier statements. So is he going to get married without a shirt on?

Intercontinental Title: Edge vs. Chris Jericho
This match, I fully expected to be saved for the Unforgiven card. As if the show wasn’t verbally focused enough, Lawler decides to focus his commentary on the match towards how much the combatants are trash-talking each other. After about two minutes of scuffling, Jericho throws the champ outside the ring and we cut to a commercial. I like longer matches, but the cuts are getting a little ridiculous.
Back to action, and Jericho powers out of an Edge headlock. Apparently the defender had been dominating through most of the break. The match is decent, but devoid of excitement for any near-falls or spots, because everyone can tell the finish is only going to come when something screwy happens. It ends really quickly in a neat spot involving an avoided ref bump, which turns into a Walls of Jericho that turns into a winning roll-up for the champion. Jericho, however, has his leg hooked on the rope, so the pinfall is screw. There was only about two minutes of action on either side of the commercial break, so there was no reason for them to have split the match up.
Back from the break, and the match has been restarted. Two commercial breaks, five minutes of action thus far. The intensity picks up, but Jericho is clearly unmotivated and is pulling the Van Dam/Mysterio style of doing all your neat spots but not bothering to have them add up towards a good match. Jericho does get the Walls, which reminds me of how much I hate how he does the move now… it looks even weaker than the Boston Crab. Bring back the god-damn Liontamer. The referee disqualifies Edge for dropping Jericho’s nuts on the top rope, which is ridiculous because that shit happens all the time. Despite the match being over (on an admittedly ridiculous call) the champ Spears Jericho anyway. Mild excitement for the Unforgiven rematch.
Winner: Chris Jericho via DQ

Evolution comes to the ring, and Triple H, of course, decides to ramble about something that he eventually draws back toward the person he currently has beef with. He discusses destiny, pointing out that Randy Orton chose to overcome the middling careers of his father and grandfather by aligning himself with Evolution, but says that he made the wrong choice in winning that world title. The name of the stable, therefore, makes no sense, as Orton evolved to become world championship material and thus proved that the stable did indeed live up to its name, but the point of the group is, in fact, keeping the title around Hunter’s waist. I’d suggest that they just rename the group Creationism. Hunter invites Orton to job the title back to him.

The World Champion walks out looking pissed, and for the first time that I can remember, he’s not wearing pastel tights. It makes the guy look a whole lot more like a champion, for sure. Orton feigns offering Hunter the belt, then goobers the fucker right in the face. Looked like he’d been hocking that all day long, too. Man, that shit is pretty awesome. He then decks Hunter with the title belt, and high-tails it through the crowd.

Victoria confronts Bischoff about the questionable morality behind the wedding, but it’s set in stone. Hunter then storms in fuming, and Bischoff makes the Unforgiven World title match everyone expected. It’s a shame the dirt sheets are always right lately, I would’ve liked to see Orton stretch his legs out for a few months as champ before the eventual job to Hunter in anticipation of WrestleMania 21.

Ric Flair w/Batista vs. William Regal w/Eugene
Another match that I was looking forward to seeing at Unforgiven instead. Imagine how sick this match would be with a little time and no guaranteed wacky interference. Two old masters putting on a psychology exhibition, how sweet would that shit be? Of note, we’re 85 minutes into the show and it’s only the second fucking match. Lots of old school locks, which the announcers try to sell as unorthodox. The two technicians put the new WWE style to their advantage, doing some crazy things for old men, and have the crowd eating out of the palm of their hands. Then we go to a commercial break, out of nowhere.
Back from the break, and Regal is taking some sick, sick shots. I’d love to see him fight Benoit just once before he retires. This is how you have a brawl. JBL should take lessons from this shit. Surprising no one, Batista strikes with the shenanigans, but goes to take care of Eugene, allowing Regal to reverse the Figure Four. That is broken up, and Batista starts beating the shit out of the retard until Chris Benoit makes the save. In a kickass spot, both Flair and Regal pull out the brass knuckles, but the Brit beats the Nature Boy to the punch and gets the win. Bad-ass.
Interference: Chris Benoit
Winner: William Regal

Oh yeah… I plugged Alien vs. Predator a few weeks ago, but I really must recant. It had a cool concept, but it was just the worst fucking movie I have ever seen in theatres. Apparently this is the fault of Fox studio execs that demanded the film be cut to make a PG-13 rating, so I’ll wait for the extended DVD version before really raking Paul W. S. Anderson over the coals in vengeance for shitting on my childhood.

Another package hypes up the return of Shawn Michaels. I’ll agree with several of my contemporaries, the fed needs to put the guy on SmackDown. They need him over there.

The SmackDown recap accurately displays just how shittacular the whole JBL/Undertaker storyline is. The main event looked cool, but… paint? They’re continuing the feud with dumb teenage pranks?

Diva Search recap. I still hate Christy. Maria is just generic enough to win. Carmella owns my soul. Amy, in my arrogant opinion, would be the best choice to get a contract. Joy continues to ride on the size of her jugs.

Lita checks out her bridal dress and throws a pitcher at the window, but it doesn’t break. An omen of things to come? Kane, meanwhile, is wearing a white tux, and actually looks kinda sharp, for an ugly bald dude.

The ring setup actually looks pretty cool, as the ring has been adorned in white and there’s red light being cast over the crowd. The ring bearer and flower girl are midgets. Not funny, but more than a little creepy. Kane gets cheers for his entrance, which is a hauntingly cool instrumental version of his old theme song. Lita comes out in a black wedding dress. As stupid as the angle is, I must admit I’m liking all of the details of this spot. Kane’s father would be ashamed, if he wasn’t buried in cement.

Before the nuptials can begin, the priest reveals that someone has asked for the opportunity to speak before the wedding proceeds. Eric Bischoff himself comes out, also in a dapper white tux, and wants to read a passage from the Holy Bible. Uhm… Yeah. The crowd endears themselves to me by interjecting after every line with “What?” Bischoff’s selection would be normally referred to as foreshadowing. Then, Kane has a special video package shown, to the tune of ‘You’re Having My Baby.’ Deliciously fucked up.

Kane reads his vows, and I can’t help but think about how fucking awesome he’d look wearing his mask and that suit. His vows are pretty generic, while Lita’s are utterly damning of the groom. Trish then comes out in full-on fuck-me gear and volunteers to be the Maid of Honor, and pulls out some classic bitch material, resulting in a genuine catfight which Kane breaks up.

After all the distractions, Lita says “I do,” but before Kane can seal the deal, Matt Hardy’s music hits, and Mattitude sneak-attacks him. Someone should tell him it’s a fashion faux pas to wear cargos and a Punisher shirt to a wedding. Matt tries to rush Lita up the ramp, but Kane sets up a wall of fire, preventing their escape. What the fuck? Kane then beats the shit out him and chokeslams the poor bastard off the ramp. Only then can Kane finalize the wedding.

Well, there was about an hour of decent soap opera, and about 20 minutes of decent wrestling, and about 40 minutes of the most annoying wedding angle I have ever fucking seen. The worst thing about this angle is that there will never be any good payoff to it.