The Shimmy 10.13.08: The Hardy Report Card (Part Four)

Hola, chicas. OK, did anybody else have the WrestleMania 2000 game for GameBoy and Val Venis’ alternate catchphrase was “Hola Chicas?” Man, I still remember how disappointed I was when I found out that the GameBoy version of the game was significantly lamer than the Nintendo 64 version. Grrrr. In any event, childhood flashbacks aside, I believe we have some Report Cardin’ to do, so let’s get started.

2002 Royal Rumble Match (Royal Rumble 2002)

And here we’ve pressed the reset button on the Hardys breakup, as both brothers return from their “injuries” at the hands of Undertaker to fight with the Deadman during the Rumble match. While Taker handles them rather easily, it’s their distraction that allows Maven to get the upset elimination and send Taker to the outside. This whole Hardys-Undertaker-Maven segment was the only really good moment in this Rumble, so this gets a much higher grade than the overall match deserves.

My Grade: B+

No. 1 Contender’s, Tag Team Turmoil Match: The Hardys vs. Dudley Boyz vs. APA vs. Billy & Chuck vs. Scotty 2 Hotty & A-Train vs. Lance Storm & Christian (No Way Out 2002)

You know, I’m a big fan of the idea of Tag Team Turmoil Matches, but a company that doesn’t care much for tag teams does not do a good job of usually booking them. Things weren’t too interesting in the division at the time (the champs were Tazz & Spike Dudley for crying out loud), but we needed to get a title match at WrestleMania so we had this match to determine a challenger. So that’s why the APA won, challenged Tazz & Spike on SmackDown, lost, and then Billy & Chuck won a week or so later and entered WrestleMania as the champs, defending against the Hardys, Dudleyz, and APA. Oh, and Tazz & Spike didn’t even make the card. Yeah.

My Grade: C+

World Tag Team Title, Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match: Billy & Chuck© vs. The Hardys vs. Dudley Boyz vs. APA (WrestleMania X8)

And here is the aforementioned Four-Way. Decent enough, with nice bits of action, but unfortunately they made a mistake in going with the elimination rules. Generally a match like this, midcard filler (which is too harsh of a word for this match but we’ll use it anyway), should be quick and action packed and short. That works much better if everyone is fighting for one defining pinfall. When you add in elimination rules the urgency is largely gone so things are not paced as well as they should be. Add in the fact that The Hardys, Dudleyz, and APA had worked with each other so many times and the fact that the historically homophobic wrestling audience was never going to give Billy & Chuck a real chance to get over and the best you can get out of things is average.

My Grade: C+

Jeff Hardy vs. Brock Lesnar (Backlash 2002)

This was supposed to be Brock vs. Matt but Brock killed Matt a week earlier so Jeff substituted for him here. Jeff got killed too, but he at least made a better showing than his brother would have. This is Brock’s first PPV appearance and they were giving him the monster push to the WWE Title that would culminate in a shocking four months.

My Grade: C

The Hardys vs. Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman (Judgment Day 2002)

This match really only had two possible endings. 1) Heyman gets pinned so that Brock can lose a match without being beaten (Something I wish they would do less of with their undefeated monsters; why can’t somebody be LEGITIMATELY undefeated and not the bastardized wrestling version?). 2) Brock destroys both Hardys and lets Heyman get the pin to embarrass them. We got option No. 2 here. The match was actually surprisingly decent with the Hardys bumping around like crazy for the “Next Big Thing.” The best part of this whole thing had to be Heyman shooting Lita’s underwear at the Hardys from the ramp on the Raw leading up to this show.

My Grade: C+

European Title Match: Jeff Hardy© vs. William Regal (Vengeance 2002)

Jeff had a tremendous showing in a relatively randomly booked WWE Title Ladder Match against Undertaker on Raw, so they gave him a run with the European Title instead. They tried to give the belt some prestige here by making William Regal care so much about it (he cried after losing his matches) and making it seem like a big deal when Jeff won, but the title would be unified with the Intercontinental Title shortly after this match. I guess this was a nice last hurrah for a tertiary championship that never really got a good chance to succeed (even getting buried by Shawn Michaels while he held it), but it’s not going to be on any Best of DVDs.

My Grade: B

Six Man Tag Team, Elimination Tables Match: Bubba Ray Dudley, Spike Dudley, & Jeff Hardy vs. Rico & Three Minute Warning (Survivor Series 2002)

In the summer of 2002 Matt Hardy turned on Jeff and left for SmackDown to become Matt Hardy, V.01. In his absence Jeff tried to move up the ladder on Raw, even making it into a No. 1 Contender’s Match with the likes of Rob Van Dam, Chris Jericho, and Big Show in September (and he didn’t even have the worst shot in the match!). Eventually he’d end up in a feud with Three Minute Warning and their manager Rico, alongside his former TLC rival Bubba Ray Dudley and the other Dudley brother Spike. This match also took place at the site of the very first Tables Match, Madison Square Garden, where Jeff actually competed against his tag team partner Bubba Ray. This may actually be the next best Tables Match to that one as a matter of fact. Of course Jeff did some crazy high flying antics to help his team get the victory, although he could probably also thank the returning D-Von Dudley for the assist as well. Years later Jeff would tear the house down with Jamal of Three Minute Warning under his new guise as Umaga.

My Grade: B+

PPV in Review: No Mercy

We opened the show with Matt Hardy vs. Mark Henry. I’ll be honest, my interest in this matchup has waned since they first started feuding before SummerSlam, but they really surprised me here. Both men worked very hard and ended up having a really good match. I’m curious to see if this feud continues for Texting Sunday.

Next up was the Women’s Title Match between Beth Phoenix and Candice Michelle. It wasn’t great, but it was short and inoffensive, kind of like Danny DeVito. It wasn’t anything to write home about but it beat the hell out of a SmackDown diva’s match (sorry, Victoria!).

Rey Mysterio and Kane was a fun match too, and even though we got a DQ on a PPV at least it was a nice spot. I do think it was pretty useless to waste the Rey unmasking stipulation, though. I’m glad these two could prove the naysayers wrong that said they couldn’t have a good match together.

I won’t say too much about the in ring segment other than these four things. 1) MVP was right, he really does deserve better. 2) Randy Orton continues to be awesome. 3) The fans chanting boring before Cody Rhodes even started speaking were idiots. 4) I like CM Punk and I like Kofi Kingston but man did they look like total dicks for leaving MVP high and dry.

Batista and JBL was short and to the point which is fine with me. Nobody buys JBL as a credible challenger, so let him get beat by the real superstars and give him a mic to build himself back up again. I was rather amused by the fact that Vince McMahon managed to turn the bailout heel by having JBL back it, so if there are any fans out there that aren’t sure how to feel about it they may have gotten the message that “Oh, that bailout is bad. Boo JBL! Boo bailout!”

Undertaker vs. Big Show was AWESOME. Two big guys just slugging it out, moving at a fast pace. No rest holds. No “methodical” working over of body parts. Just full on TNA style action. FINALLY. I have been calling for this for a long time and the fact that WWE actually went with that style of match here made me downright giddy. Even the knockout shot by Big Show, which I’ve gone on record against before, came across really well and Big Show looked like a beast. Of course the MMA elitists have to throw their two cents in to note that Show should have been disqualified for the punch to the back of the head, but whatever. I’m actually really disappointed that this match hasn’t gotten quite the hype that the two main events have gotten.

Although I can’t say I blame anyone for raving about the main events. Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy was for my money the best match of the night. This match blew that overrated, horribly booked suckfest from Armageddon out of the friggin’ water. Hardy looked like a real star in there and I look forward to the day he finally does win the big one (although I hope against hope that it’ll be at WrestleMania so I can see it in person). The excitement for those last few minutes was off the charts and Triple H continues to really let Jeff get the best of him. The finish kind of made me cringe because it was just so obvious what the finish was going to be when Jeff went for the unnatural cover after the Swanton, but I won’t let a bad finish take away from what was an otherwise great match.

The Jericho-Michaels Ladder Match was set to be a classic and for the most part I think it definitely delivered. I think a lot of people were going to give this match a free pass just because of how great this feud has been, but Jericho and Michaels proved why they are two of the best in the business by going out there and putting on one hell of a performance. That big drop by Jericho off the ladder was scary and I thought he might have really hurt himself on the fall. The final tug of war spot on top of the ladder was great and I was shouting at my TV for HBK to get the belt. It’s great because the two title matches constituted a tale of two types of fans for me. After the Triple H-Hardy match I was kind of happy that Hardy had lost (even though I started rooting hard for him when I bit on the potential title change) because I’d rather he be booked for a bigger night, generally a smark concern. After the Jericho-Michaels match I was in full mark mode as I was just disgusted with the fact that Jericho was leaving with the title. Two great matches that really got my emotions up.

All in all this was a great show, an uncommon occurrence for a No Mercy. Unfortunately I have a hard time believing Texting Sunday is going to be able to measure up, but hopefully I’ll be wrong.

Andy Enjoyment Index: No Mercy

1) Triple H-Jeff Hardy
2) Undertaker-Big Show
3) Jericho-Michaels
4) Matt Hardy-Mark Henry
5) Rey Mysterio-Kane
6) Batista-JBL
7) Beth Phoenix-Candice Michelle
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The Shimmy Likes It Raw!

What’s on tap for tonight’s show?

Johnny Knoxville will be appearing on Raw. After insulting The Great Khali by asking about the proportionality of his “tallywhacker,” the Jackass star will have to go face to chest with the Punjabi Nightmare.

You have your choices for the Guest Referee for the Chris Jericho-Batista World Heavyweight Title Match. Will Shawn Michaels or Randy Orton do anything to sway your votes? Will Stone Cold Steve Austin show up to shake hands and kiss babies? All I know is that these three candidates would never fly in a real election. A raging alcoholic, an army deserter, and a guy that tells other people to “Suck it” aren’t exactly made for political careers. Then again I suppose it’s possible for Austin to be able to see Mexico from his house.

Speaking of the PPV, Santino Marella will put his Intercontinental Title on the line. Will he face the Honky Donkey Man, Goldmust, or Rodney the Piper? You decide!

Eli Manning should be hard at work scoring me beacoups of fantasy points as he faces the Cleveland Browns on Monday Night Football. I can’t wait to hear Tony Kornheiser rip on the Browns organization, it should be glorious.

One Tree Hill returns from a one week hiatus and Dan is loose! Watch as a convicted murderer bonds with the great nephew of the brother he killed!

That does it for this week’s column. I’m off again next week but there will be more Hardy Report Card goodness and possibly a Bound for Glory wrap up in two weeks. Until then, don’t die. Clark…out.