The SmarK Nitro Rant – May 13 2002

The SmarK Nitro Rant – May 13 2002

– Who says WCW is dead? Not I!

– By the way, finally saw Scorpion King this afternoon. Nothing terribly bad about it, it kept my amused for 90 minutes, so huzzah. And, um, that’s really about all I have to say about it.

– Live from Toronto, Ontario.

– Your hosts are JR & The King.

– Opening match: Brock Lesnar v. The Hardy Boyz. Brock schmooshes Jeff to start, but gets dropkicked in the knee. Powerslam and the “Goldberg” chants start again. Jeff keeps at the knee, as does Matt, but he gets suplexed a couple of times. Lesnar throws him down like a cheeseburger and the offense drags on in slow motion. Jeff comes back in and they completely botch the jawbreaker spot, leading to Poetry in Motion. Flapjack and they go up for stereo legdrops that get two. Ref is bumped for the amazingly lame DQ win for the Hardyz at 3:30. Well, that winning streak gimmick didn’t last long. Ѕ* Oh, wait, I guess Lesnar is getting punished for the plane incident that like 15 people on the internet care about, sure, I can see how that’s worth throwing away a potential new superstar. Heyman freaks out afterwards and challenges the Hardyz to a tag match with him and Lesnar at the PPV. Uh…okay.

– Meanwhile, X-Pac & Show meet up with Flair, who explains that he had to fire Hall for failure and that Nash isn’t actually suspended, he’s just healing from an arm injury. And that’s a SHOOT, brutha! Flair promises a new nWo member tonight, so secret that the guy doesn’t even know who he is. That’s pretty secret.

– Flair & Show come out for the big heel interview. Flair takes the requisite shots at the Maple Leafs for cheap heat, which sets the building off. Flair explains that Austin kept turning on him when he offered friendship, so Flair turned on him right back. Fine, I guess. Flair then goes over the top again and makes a match with himself and Hogan for the title tonight. Oh, GOODIE, haven’t seen that enough in the past 10 years or so.

– Eddy Guerrero v. Planet Stasiak. This came about due to slanderous accusations on Eddy’s part about illegal substances fueling Planet Stasiak. Man, they’re really hurting for backstory on their two-minute matches. I can’t believe they’d even bother to shoot a vignette to explain this. RVD takes a seat at ringside, just because. See, now that’s right to the point – they don’t even bother going through the motions of him doing color or anything, just plop him right down in a chair at ringside. Stasiak gets an elbow and a gutwrench for two, but Eddy suplexes him and frog splashes for the pin at 1:05. Be still my beating heart. DUD RVD attacks and tosses Eddy, who freaks out. And that’s the big buildup to their rematch at Judgment Day. Wow, sign me up right now.

– Meanwhile, they waste another perfectly good two minutes with “A day in the life of Tommy Dreamer”, as he shaves his tongue, drinks toilet water and generally acts like a total freak. Isn’t one Tom Green enough? I mean, hello, 15 months ago called, it wants its fad back…

– Terri v. Molly. Regal is doing color commentary for no adequately explored reason. Terri attacks and chokes away. Slam gets two. Molly does something vaguely resembling a clothesline as Terri drops like 10 minutes before the move hits, and she gets a suplex for two. More choking. Backbreaker and she goes up, but gets crotched. Molly gives herself a rana off the top rope for two, but then cradles Terri for the pin at 2:28. Guerrero-Stasiak gets 1:05 and this gets 2:28 when it’s not even vaguely related to a PPV match? -** Regal appears to be courting Molly, as if anyone might actually CARE.

– World Wee-Wee Title: The Orange Goblin v. Ric Flair. Kudos for letting Little Naitch ref. Hogan overpowers him to start, and Flair bails and gets a chair. The ref takes it back, so Flair tries some chops, which have the expected effect, ie, none. Hogan slugs back, cueing the Flair Flop. Flair goes up and gets slammed. Finally he goes low and starts slugging. They head out and brawl, where Flair meets the stairs. Back in, Hogan gets poked in the eye. Flair goes to the knee for two. Hogan gets his own Dusty-ish figure-four (what is this, Dusty tribute night? Stupid finishes, people booking themselves into the title match, bad figure-fours, Bubba Ray Dudley, Goldust…), but Flair makes the ropes. Hogan suplex gets two. Elbow misses and Flair chops away, still no effect. Hulk up, big boot, legdrop, but X-Pac, Bradshaw, Big Show and Steve Austin all run in, the end result of which is a stunner for Flair that gives Hogan the win at 8:45. Yeah, that’s how you build up a big heel like Flair! Man, Vince McMahon is a frigging genius. Match was about as good as two guys with an age totalling 150 was gonna be. *

– Meanwhile, Flair is upset. X-Pac offers his sympathy, so Flair makes a handicap match with Bradshaw v. X-Pac & Big Show later tonight. Kill me now. Oh, and Austin facing the Super Secret nWo Member tonight in a lumberjack match. See, given that everyone else in the promotion is booked into a match tonight or injured, Roger Ebert’s Law of Conservation of Characters basically tells us that it either has to be Undertaker or Booker T. One wouldn’t really make sense, and the other would just be incredibly lame, so whatever.

– Trish Stratus & Bubba Ray Dudley v. Jazz & Stevie Richards. This is for both Hardcore & Women’s titles, and JR states explicitly that men & women cannot under any circumstances mix in this match, so of course they immediately start brawling together. Poor Jazz looks like she’s stoned on painkillers and yet still in so much pain that she can hardly move. I can respect that. Bubba splashes the heels in the corner, but Trish has trouble loading up the plunder. Bubba does his Dusty impression and beats on Stevie with a hockey stick. Bubba-bomb gets two, and now Justin & Crash join us for more Hardcore Hijinx. Richards tags out to Jazz, but she falls victim to a bulldog from Trish for the pin at 4:16. Poor Jazz. ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Undertaker is so upset that he walks away without giving an interview. I wish more people would start using that tactic.

– It’s YOUR Judgment Day Control Center, as JR earns his pay by trying to act like Austin v. Flair & Big Show is actually worth seeing while keeping a straight face.

– Meanwhile, Goldust sings the Lumberjack Song while Booker is actually dressed up as a lumberjack. The laughs just keep on a-coming.

– Bradshaw v. X-Pac & Big Show. Bradshaw overpowers X-Pac, and he wants Show. I think he’s the only one. Cheapshot turns things around right away, and the heels pound away as the crowd sits in silence. Pop quiz: Why is this? Because NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT BRADSHAW. You’d think after 6 years of pushing the guy someone would get a clue about it already. Bradshaw manages a powerslam of X-Pac for two. Elbow gets two. Show pulls him out and beats on him outside, and then drops an elbow back in. Beatdown in the corner and lightning legdrop get two. Wow, an actual move requiring energy and everything. Bradshaw fights them off and slams X-Pac, but gets chaired and chokeslammed for the pin at 4:30. The crowd was just laid to waste by this nonsense. ј*

– And once again it’s time for YOUR Comedy Classic of the Week, as Hogan, dressed like the gay biker in the Village People, volunteers to be a lumberjack (whoa ho, there’s your triple-entendre o’ the night…) but Undertaker viciously attacks him and ties him to the back of his motorcycle. Aw, how romantic. We go on a fun-filled ride through the building, with Undertaker dragging Hogan at like 4 MPH (while he’s obviously wearing an extra-padded jacket and helmet, and probably a gimmicked roller tray underneath him) before crashing into a big pile of devastating cardboard boxes. Hmm, doesn’t quite have the memorable value of the stalled motorcycle angle from last week, but the “Hulkamania is Running Wild In the Montreal Bath-House” vibe more than makes up for that. For bonus laughs, we get to watch EMTs treat Hogan for a neck injury while JR uses his Serious Voice during multiple replays of the greatest amusement park idea since Disneyland patented the Teacups. Seriously, wasn’t the first thing that went through your mind “Man, that’d be a pretty cool ride to try!”? Note to the WWF: Senior citizens are not cool, they’re just old.

– Lumberjack match: Steve Austin v. The Very Mysterious Secret nWo Member of the Week. With Big Show and Bossman there, the term LUMBERjack has never been more appropriate. And our winner is…Booker T. Well, you’d think with 17 guys outside the ring beating up Austin, he’d have a good chance to get a big win at least, right? RIGHT? Booker gets a sidekick, but Austin gets a spinebuster. He heads out and brawls with the jobbers, but gets posted and beat up by Brock. Why even tease that if you’re not going to be delivering any time soon? Back in, a back kick gets two. Austin gets another spinebuster. God, he’s not even making an effort tonight. The nWo beats on him again. I see why not. Axe kick and spinarooni, but Austin comes back, and walks into a superkick for two. More nWo punishment, but Austin goes low. Booker misses the charge and Austin gets a rollup for the pin at 5:25. I do not get this in the slightest. DUD The now, as it is, does a LONG and boring beatdown on Austin, and even Arn Anderson gets a shot in, which is more than Booker can say, because he doesn’t even participate! So now on the RAW side we have Austin as a babyface and literally no one else even close to ready for the main event slot, and basically everyone else is a heel. Man, that brand extension, what a great idea that was.

The Bottom Line: Let’s see – burying potential stars for petty political reasons, using cruiserweights as cannon fodder, 60 year old guys fighting for the World title, Scott Hall working for two months and getting fired, a glass ceiling under the main event even when there’s only like 8 guys left in the whole promotion, rotten finishes, handicap matches out the wazoo…nah, I don’t know why anyone would compare the WWF to WCW. We must just be bitter smart marks or something. They’re doing just fine.

No Smackdown for me this week, I’m in Vegas. See you on Sunday for the PPV.